2004.
friends lost: 2
academics: 3 disappointments
breakups: 2
memories: jobs, july, pageant, berkelah, shanghai

goodbye 2004.
welcome 2005.
starting everything afresh.

things arent going well for me.. :(
but as usual, i take it with passiveness.
composure, girl.
as usual, life goes on.
no big deal.
at least you weren't in phuket.

back from berkelah, back from shanghai.

a mixture of feelings. happy to be back to the warm sg, no more thick coats! dont have to put on gloves, shoes, soaks, lip balm, jeans.. freeze no more.. the temp there on average is around 4 to 8 degrees? seriously..you'll freeze when the wind blows in ur face. can feel the chill in the bones. shiver shiver shiver..bRrr.. it's so cold that i dont even feel like shopping..that's amazing u know! considering how much i love shopping. just want to like stay in the hotel room..n feel warm..

frankly speaking, i dont like shanghai. there isn't much to see there, the only thing u can do is shop eat shop eat shop eat. the food there is cheap. we ordered a LOT of food but on average the amount each of us spent in each meal is..$3? winter time..the food especially oily..very delicious..but very unhealthy. my mum said it's necessary to eat oily food..if not u cant keep warm..

lots of fake branded goods in shanghai. the tourist guide we had for one day told us, the chinese are best in manufacturing fake stuff. whatever is successful, u'll see its duplicate in no time. so there is like a shopping village n the things there are 100% fake. LV, gucci, chanel, dior, nike, ck, addidas, burberry..u name it manz. n if u ever go there..xiangyangjie, remember to BARGAIN. very impt. to at least half the price they offer. ok it goes like this, u ask them how much the obj is, then let's say they say 300, then u say too ex, they'll ask "then how much u want?" (in mandarin la duh), u say "150", they say "bu xing, tai shao le, 200 ba", then u must say cannot, then must persist until u get the price u want or somewhere close to it.

the service there sux. the waiters, salespple..all talk as if they have something against u. n lian chou chou de. but maybe it's just a few black sheep..some are nice..they are very good talkers. can coax u into buying stuff very well. the pple there are verrrrry rrrudddeee manz. the word "excuse me" dont exist in their dictionary! they just pUSH past u. damn irritating.

cds cheap, cab fare cheap, food cheap, fastfood cheap, winter clothing cheap, everything cheap..almost..

a bit sad to be back. back to the pressures n troubles of life.

i'm back! leaving for shanghai in 7 hours' time. berkelah was fun. a lot of things i wish i can type out now, but i'm really so tired. with that irritating flu, i really cannot make it liao. cant think coherently. another time..

uHoo.. i'll be leaving for malaysia, berkelah waterfalls in...approximately 3 hours time. :) excited? okies lar, not much feelings now. feeling a bit worried actually cos i'm having on and off flu, still a little heaty inside cos my lips are still damn dry. hmm no worries, i'm a big girl, i can take care of myself..

i'll be back on wed night and leaving for shanghai on thurs morning. pretty rush huh. oh well.. should be okay lar. will miss everyone...

where is KC!! i need my bag!! i havent even packed yet! ahhh die die..

christmas wishes:
1. i want my mum n my dad to be happy..i hope they wont have to work so hard anymore..
2. i want my sis to do well in her studies..n stop being the blur blur girl she is.
3. i want my bro to stop going genting so much n gamble!! hope he studies what he wants in uni n do well.
4. for jas: be happy w him!
5. for zx: good luck for ur dance n stop being so stressed!
6. for andre: hope u get a bday cum christmas pressie from me soon.. hehehe..i promise i'll TRY not to forget, n dun worry, i'll return u ur money soon.
7. for wy: hey guy..be happy alright..one day u'll meet the girl who truly appreciates ur free flow of tea. :)
8. for tth: *censored censored censored..*

ok n for others who dont know abt my blog..i've wishes for them anyway..
9. for kenny: to stop flirting so much n find out what he wants soon..
10. for joel: be happy guy.. really..
11. for alex: be safe n sound, though the accident wasn't his fault, but riding on a bike is dangerous nonetheless..so be careful..
12. for sarah, teresa, zhaoqi: good luck in smu, med, law..
13. for amanda: stop smoking sooo much girl......
14. for everyone i didnt mention..merry christmas...

early in the morning. sigh i gonna work from 11 to 7 today! torturous. sales promoter at PS, promoting JABRA bluetooth wireless headset (jabra is the brand btw). low radiation! very comfortable! won best brand award in europe! market setter! 1 for 1 guarantee! WHOO isn't that cool?? oh no i'm nuts haha. truth is i dun really even know how to wear it. okok will try it later on the bus journey there.

thanks for the frap, for coming all the way down to my place, for dl-ing sch of seduction, for coming to send me back to hall, for helping me borrow the dresses, for reassuring me every minute, for helping me do the report, for offering to get the bag for me, for offering to do the list of comestic companies..for working during the hols....(it's for me isn't it?), for the lip balm, for the sweater, for the pink bag i'm about to get (=p)....thanks for entertaining me when i was bored, for the books (i promise i'll return u when i'm done!)...

thanks for being so sweet... :) truly touched.

dinner yesterday was grand. made me think a lot about money. haiz. somehow i can never imagine myself to be like one of them. but nothing is unattainable.. i need faith.

confidence. haha. learnt that from sch of seduction. to be able to seduce someone, u need confidence!!

okok i wish i have time to blog more, but i really gonna rush.

track 9-11 --> badminton 1-4. it was good. i'm not very tired. weird. guess the workout wasn't intensive enough. a bit stoned today. i really sux. i cant play badminton for nuts. track..no prob..who cant run..stamina..train lor.. if not what.. superwoman? never train then can run real fast? dun be dumb.

i cant stop thinking. daming is right. what reason do i have to be so troubled. let nature takes its course. what will be will be.

my damn lips are so dry. it has been like that for a week. irritating.

right or wrong right or wrong. i wish my heart was made of stone. i dont wanna feel. why feel? u chose it. so why cry? make up ur mind. stick to it. waver, u make everyone suffer. what's ur prob!? get a life will ya! do u ever learn ur lesssonn?? why is the same thing happening all over again?? oiii!!!!!!

i just want to be fair to you... someone once told me grey is dysfunctional. i shouldnt have let things moved on to this stage. it's cruel. i am not sure whether saying those things is any less cruel.. i'm sorry. i'm so so so sorry... to tell you the truth, i've actually contemplated putting away all my doubts, n starting afresh. you're worth it you know. ur feelings for me overwhelm me, to that point that sometimes u just leave me speechless. but.. i cant escape..the clutches of fear..of qualms..of memories.. the silent tears in the dark nights, wetting my pillowcase.. the excruciating pain of loneliness and loss.. the haunting memories.. the fist clenching my heart.. clasped, squeezed, crashed..

i know u wouldnt let me down. it's me. not u.

a lost soul prefers to be lost herself. not lead others further into the unknown. 2 endings: happiness or sorrow even more unbearable.

the lost soul chose to end. rather than risk encountering the unbearable.

today is quite a cool day. track and badminton in the morning. exhausted after that. slept a bit in the afternoon. squash at night. just came back from supper. super tired. but dun feel like sleeping yet after such a heavy meal.

i dunno whether this makes sense, but i am starting to think track is the least complicated sport. all you do is run. u rarely have to learn how to run. unlike for other sports, there are techniques to be learnt. u just run. it doesnt matter whether the other contestants are snickering at u, doesnt matter if u lose focus, or start thinking abt useless stuff..cos no matter what..u just have to run. ur legs still move the same way, nothing is gonna affect it. of course there are factors like determination, perservance...which is present in every sport...but comparatively track is still much simpler..

ok am i making sense? i thought of all these cos i played really badly in squash. sigh.

okies another week of intensive trg ahead. i'm really a "san miao zhong re du" person. ultra short attention span. it has only been a week n i'm already getting tired of the trgs. overdose of sports is taking its toil. blueblack toes, blisters, fatigue. program for tmr: 9-11 track, 2-5 badminton, 9-11PM squash. whOO hoO.. but i might just skip squash if things get too bad. i still have the whole week ahead.

happy these days.. thank you for making my day. thank you for making me smile. :)

usually only my right palm suffers cos of squash, now both hands have blisters! my thighs are aching, toes n fingers hurting, eyes tired.. but hey, like i said before, exercising makes me feel good. hockey was fun! it is one of the sports i enjoy the most..dont know why also.. cant believe time passes so fast.. it's almost 1am now.. should sleep soon.. dont wanna wake up feeling groggy tmr morning.. weird.. i'm sleeping earlier than i used to sleep during sch days.

exercise is good, for both the mind and the physical body. it feels good after exercising so much, n then u feel so tired that u just want to lie on the floor, stare at the sky, ur mind completely blanked out, just letting fatigue wash over u, n feel nothing...

ihg softball trg in the morning on the field. maybe cos most of the games i usually play are on courts, i never realised how nice it is to be on the vast green field. amazingly how the lustrous green grass has a soothing effect...makes one feel...close to nature..? i find it difficult to relate how i feel then now.. cos after all now i'm in the comfort of my room, fan overhead, melodious music at the background, lappie conveniently in front of me.. that fleeting moment, that fleeting feeling, cannot be preserved..only to be captured at that moment then and there...

ihg badminton soon after that. softball was slack, but fun. badminton was enriching. haha training for a sport is certainly different from recreational playing. we learn techniques, fixed skills. but of course they couldnt be mastered in such a short time. every sport takes practice. it was intensive. it was fun. i sux at both sports. but i had fun. that is the most impt thing right? :)

u know..there are people in your life who always have a place in ur heart.. u know it takes just this much to cross the border, yet u understand if u cross the border, u'll be risking much..probably a much treasured friendship? someone told me to live for the moment. no he didnt tell me, he reminded me. perhaps in the midst of protecting myself, of forming this shield around me, i have forgotten the motto which i had once held so firmly...

excellent squash, netball, softball and track trainings all fall on the same days same time. how! i can't possibly play everything at the same time! hockey will most likely be on tues n thurs so no prob, i hope though it hasn't been confirmed. it seems hardly productive to go for a different sport each day...mon softball, wed netball, fri track? hmm..but if not how?? maybe i'll just end up going for none..hahah just kidding, it's a good opportunity to train up.

lalala yesterday was nice. played badminton w terence, kc and kenny till 4am. 4am can u imagine!! that's like how late. we had fun though, talking quite a bit. did justice to the horrendous high calories meal i had earlier in the day at newton..stingray n cockles!!

went zouk last night. it was packed. saw many familiar faces. the law guys were there, hall friends, nus friends, met friends i haven't seen for a damn long time like roy and leonard.. it was nice seeing people i havent seen for such a long time... i didn't get drunk..haha..high yes, drunk no. very good....this is really unhealthy. i really should cut down.. it's having disastrous effect on my complexion. i want to run, want to swim, want to go sentosa..time to engage in healthy activites..

many happy couples around me now. my sis n her bf. still going strong after 1 yr!! amazing! for a relationship to be so stable at such a young age. she certainly doesnt take after her sis haha. her bf is really sweet, let her climb all over his head haha. jas n her 2 guys (hehe yes even though u're troubled i still envy u). amanda n zh. couples who are blissfully in love...sigh...

went for this inspiring product demo yesterday. it wasn't meant to be inspiring. but the hostress injected her speech with so much humour, so much insights and thoughts about her real life experiences, that it really got the audience eating out of her hands. well for me at least cos she revealed so much wisdom and truth..she is rich beyond words, clever, witty, capable, looks 10 years younger than her actual age..wah..my role model!

nic said it's unhealthy to be cynical about life at my age. indeed. time to be happier. today looks good. bright sunny day outside. no obligations to go out with anyone. just gonna stay at home and read books, watch tv, use the net..slack..

been watching love generation. this is at least thr 3rd time i'm watching it. i love the show!! it's the most romantic show i've ever watched.. the female lead came to tokyo from a small town in the mountains. in a scene, she told the male lead,"ever since i came to tokyo, i've been trying to find myself, find what i really want from life, find the thing that would make me happy. but all i've met is obstacle after obstacle.. but now that i've found u, i feel there's no need to find anymore, because all i want is to be with you.. as long as i'm with u..i am happy.."

yea i think i understand that kind of feeling. sometimes..you dont need money, dont need car, dont need big house or fame or anything in the world..you just need that one person and ur life is complete.

so near yet so far. distance between the hearts is immeasurable. feeling cold. feeling alone. i always feel alone. i'm suffering from chronic depression. even i myself can't comprehend what the heck is going on in my head.

(since i think the people whom i'm going to mention next will never stumble upon this website, i deem it safe to speak freely)

(but having 2nd thoughts, i still think it's safer if i dont reveal their names)

1. my old time friend who just returned from abroad. we were very very close n i thought our friendship was special. however he doesnt even make the effort to meet up w me. that pisses me off.

2. someone who used to be my really close friend now treats me as though i'm a stranger. 2 of them actually. that..upsets me..

3. my close friends are spending more time w other friends. that..makes me jealous.

i'm irritated.

hangover

i should stop clubbing la.. lousy freak.. argh.. i want to slap myself.. bad headache now.. world spinning.. injuries everywhere..

x'mas lights

it feels good to know that time is in your hands. there is no pangs of guilt threatening me if i don't study. i can listen to radio and mp3s without worrying about them distracting me from my work. i can do anything i wannt... but anything i want..is nothing..haha..nothing.. okok it's a beautiful sunny saturday afternoon. i'm in hall. a bit loseristic huh, to be doing nothing on a saturday afternoon. but i take comfort in knowing that this is what i chose, and not a matter of circumstances. frankly, i have no desire to do anything. watch movies? shopping? clubbing? lazy.. boring.. broke.. sometimes i think i go out so i won't seem so loseristic and unhappening. haha. the christmas lights in town are pretty. if only it's snowing..everyone dressed in warm trench coats, cutie little snow caps, roads and topless trees covered in white, cool air caressing your face..walking down hand in hand with your loved one...admiring those lights..

you know, anything can look beautiful, so long as you are with the right person.

moving on..

everyone is moving on.. okay not exactly everyone.. but for those who have, that is a good thing. but..can't things ever go back to the way it once was? it wasn't my fault was it..i dont know whether i would have done things differently if i knew it was all going to boil down to this situation.. how could i have done anything differently? we are friends arent we.. but friends dont talk to each other in monosyllabus? you yi zhong dan dan de you chou..shui liao jie..hao xiang shi qu le xie she me de..que you wu fa jie shi shi qu le she me...

Fly fly fly to greener pastures...

It's pretty late now and almost everyone i know is going to bed...fabian and jason are still up watching some movie with loads of black guys dancing. Supposed to join them but i'm really kind of tired too... Phew finally finished my last paper today. southeast asia. certainly did freak me out a little at first. i have never written an essay in that context before. all i have written before are gp or biology essays..but lucky to say it wasn't as bad as i thought..

finally the exams are over..actually it's a pretty short lived period..just 6 days to be precise. what is this as compared to what and how we studied for A levels? most of the guys seemed to find uni much tougher as compared to jc, whereas i find it vice versa. *shrug* perhaps rj was just too competitive..

watched the incredibles. it's a really good production. a must-watch. go catch it if you haven't ya.

things i'm gonna to do:
1. go ktv
2. go clubbing
3. go sentosa
4. read my raymond e feist books
5. do IHG write ups
6. clean up my room

hmm that's it for now..time to think about stuff again..what am i going to do tmr..

drained

damn tired..mentally..i think it's affecting me physically or maybe it's just the squash we played yesterday..been in the library from 10am to 7pm today.. actually it doesnt seem very long if you put it that way..just 9 hours..subtracting one more hour dedicated to lunch break..that is only 8 hours. okies it's the quality that matters, not the quantity.. i did managed to do quite a fair bit. my vision is blur now..weird, maybe eyes too dry. sheesh feel like sleeping, but it's only 8 plus. i wonder how people sleep at this time of the day.. what time would they wake up?? weird..oh no i better go check on my laundry..sheesh it rained just now. arg.. haha i'm just typing rubbish..tired..

I've loved you forever,
In lifetimes before
And I promise you never...
Will you hurt anymore
I give you my word
I give you my heart
This is a battle we've won
And with this vow,
Forever has now begun...
--> what crap... "this i promise you" by n'sync

more photos

stupid yueping n jit!! totally ruined my beautiful hairr..






my family!! haha i'm having fun posting photos..bear with me lar ah..it's like that when i try new things..

I feel bad about being at home so little, leaving my sister alone at home.. Yup I know she isn't young anymore, she can find activities on her own..but i feel that i should be around..you know..just be around..? be there whenever she needs me..and my mum too who just came back from china..i know she would really want me to stay at home.. Haiz came back to hall this morning. All my books are here, and my friends are around too. It beats staying at home. Hopefully this week will be more productive, it has to be!! considering my fast paper is on sat. got to really be more serious and stop hanging around with those..bad influence!! hahah..people who say they are going to study but end up crapping...hmm...

First photo

D2 girls! My hall mates.. Not hard to guess why we are D2 girls right..D block 2nd floor..okok duh...the purple t shirt is our block shirt..photo taken during our block supper.

Negative relationship

it's a negative relationship. the less I study the happier I am. hahaha. barely studied the past 2 days. supposed to be studying but that place is hardly conducive for one to concentrate. too much disturbance. as wenjian said, day and night are merged. there is no longer a divide. like 12 hours in the day for activities, 12 hours at night to sleep. one cannot differentiate between day and night anymore. people dont sleep. they take naps. usually in the day. breakfast becomes supper. lunch is breakfast. heard the A guys were drinking till 5am, then continued studying after that. n oh they played table tennis too. what's with us manz...fun lar, but damn unhealthy.

okies back to work. got to sacrifice a bit of the joyfulness for my grades. gonna fail my south east asia module if i dun work harder, considering i failed my research paper. haha..but all along my attitude has been very heck care...that hasn't changed..

right now: reading about the benefits of WTO. haha..actually of all my modules, i like south east asia the best. interesting. only wish i have more time..then can research more and read..oh well..that's human..always wishing we have more time..

我的爱 明明还在
转身了才明白该把幸福 找回来
而不是各自缅怀
我会在 沿海地带
等着潮汐更改 送你回来
你走路姿态 微笑的神态 见你是曾错过的 真爱

bio clock

yawns. cant believe i slept at 8.3o this morning. went C2 to study with felix. oh well we were supposed to study econs together. ended up chatting with jit and yp for the whole night, sharing juicy gossip about what is happening in hall. haha interesting manz.. i feel so much more enriched and well informed now. talked from 3 to around 6 plus...then we went for breakfast. the number of people who didn't sleep was astonishing. i think there were more pple at breakfast than at dinner usually.. wow..don't pple sleep anymore??

time to start my time.. my bio clock is kind of screwed up liao too..sigh i was looking ahead to a productive day.. dun think it's going to work out..

long day..

I didn't really do much today..much as in..the variety of things that i did.. studied till 4 plus last night. surprisingly i was still quite awake at that hour of the night.. woke up late this morning. started studying straight away. somehow i felt this sense of urgency in me in the morning. furiously studied till evening. went for dinner outside. left my key on the bus. found it later cos the bus loops. i am lucky. watched singapore idol. watched the champions. tried studying but couldn't really concentrate after that. mind kept drifting. went for supper. n here i am. boring ya.

struggling to stop my mind from drifting these days. should employ a bit more determination. resolve. my mood cheered up a bit. i should stop listening to sad songs. things arent really that much of a great deal. should stop thinking. ok i'm sorry, i tried not to sound sad. too many sad entries.

I know not if the dark or bright
Shall be by lot;
If that wherein my hopes delight
Be best or not.
- Henry Alford, Life's Answer

exams

Actually i like exams sometimes. hmm more like there are certain aspects of exams that i like..like having a goal to work towards..being focused on one goal..n knowing exactly how to achieve it. for now it's just studying. it's an excuse to concentrate, a distraction to put everything else aside and stay focused. been mugging the whole morning..

hall is quiet these days, everyone behind closed doors studying, or congregating somewhere, like in arts, or central forum, or lounge...

wo xiang tong le..

i had a talk with adrian last night..and finally..wo zhong yu xiang tong le..i'm really not stupid till i dont know what is good for myself.. but i needed someone to tell me..like give me some instructions..i needed a conclusion..and he managed to englighten me.

so right now, i'm going to concentrate on my studies. for these 3 weeks to come. in a way i wish the exam period is longer..so i'll more time to distract myself from such affairs..

Sad

What other choice do I have at this stage? You've said your piece. I do understand what you're getting at.. Like I said to some of my friends, if I'm not me, I'll probably congratulate for what you've set your mind to do. But unfortunately I'm me. And being a first party in this situation, no matter how much I try to shrug away the feeling, how much I try to pretend to be indifferent..I just can't...can't stop the tears from flowing.

I'm not thick. I understand that what you said and did is perhaps essential. I'm just sad that some things are now memories. I just pray that one day, things will be back to the way it used to be...

mentally unstable

I'm starting to think maybe I'm mentally unstable. Thanks to you andre!! Say I'm emotionally unbalanced.. Grr.. Just realised exams are coming real soon. Time to get down to studying!! Haiz but I have no xin to study.. I just can't focus.. Nowadays I rely a lot on last minute cramming. I'm taking things too easy.

Hall activities are slowly coming to an end.. Still a few here and there to come, but most are settling down..getting back to books. Catching up. Me? Same old me.

Curse

Yeah there must be some kind of curse on me. Meeting a two timer in J1, bf got bored and decided to end off the relationship with no apparent reason, J3 bf was possessive to the point that we had to break up. Yup history keeps repeating itself, no matter how hard I try to avoid.

Oh hey andre I'm not in a relationship you know? Logic just doesn't go with feelings. Sometimes you feel things that you know you aren't supposed to be feeling, logically. But I'm only human, and I can't fight these feelings. I guess you're right in a way, I do fear loneliness. Even though there are so many people around me, I still feel lonely. You know sometimes you know a lot a lot of people, but there are only that few that you can really talk to?

Btw I'm really not supposed to be this depressed. Shit. Nothing is supposed to beat me. Argh. Test in 2 hours' time. I better concentrate.

A brand new week. It's sunny outside.

love or be loved

it has been 2 months, and i've stood by my promise that i won't fall into another relationship.. perhaps it's a bit still too short to be commendable.. i never expect myself to adopt such a pessimistic outlook in life. all those cliches..what..only live once, so live it happy...i've heard them before, and i believed in them. i try to uphold them.. but i am failing. failing pathetically. maybe i'll remain single for the rest of my life. ok some people are going to go "yah right". true..not very lilely.. but at least not in the near future.. love or be loved. can you believe that you can get hurt both ways? i'm so sick of it all. i'm so sick of hurting.

I can't believe it hurts again. I've been trying so terribly hard to avoid having to experience this feeling again..but it has happened again.. :( but it's my fault i suppose.. i've been selfish.

why do i feel so depressed?? why do i feel so down? why do i feel so alone.. why do i feel as if i have no friends?? what's wrong.. still in hall.. maybe i should have gone home earlier. if i'm home, i'll probably be asleep at this time.. :(

unreal blessing

sometimes not being able to see a person is a blessing. if you don't see someone, you can't quarrel with him, you won't be able to feel irritated..you start to miss that person, and you start thinking about ta de hao..and then you start to appreciate his presence..

Rain rain rain

Raining again. Heard on radio today is gonna be a rainy day. I've been playing too much. I have a test tmr and here I am trying to get the work going. Got to study study study!! Spent last night watching tv, play squash, supper, hang around, talk and slept. I can't get anything done after 6pm..

Can hardly believe time is passing so fast..It feels like yesterday that we just had our eusoff orientation at sentosa. One more month and the exams are here...Dec is gonna be another busy month, with IHG trainings, marketing stuff, going for this ODAC trip..Kenny is coming back to singapore. Christmas is just around the corner...

Kenny was telling me me, joel and alex are his best friends. He said he treasures our friendships especially because in aussie, there's so much politics that it's impossible to find true good friends. Happy to hear that cos we have really been through a lot together, relieved to know our friendship is still going strong. Sad because everyone is so separated now. Joel in camp most of the time, Alex busy with his poly stuff, and me so involved with uni and hall activities..and of course Kenny all the way in melbourne. I miss the good old times we have had together...oh well never mind, we'll be united soon. :)...

Back to books..before I go for lect and tutorial..and block supper tonight..

a feeling of loss

Feels as if I lost somebody in my life again. I don't really have any good reason to feel that way..but I still do..feelings are not something you can control. For example if your boyfriend is going with this girl whom you know is his extremely long time buddy, you might still feel bu shuang even though maybe the girl is attached and the likelihood that anything would happen is close to zero. Yup, logic has no control over feelings. They are 2 different entities.

I hate this kind of feeling. I feel alone. Maybe beacuse so many people have walked in and out of my life before..abandon me..

Exams are coming. I should study.

saturday

It's really cloudy and grey outside..looks like it's gonna be another rainy day. I love the weather. :) zhi bu guo..tian qi you rang wo xiang qi le ta...xiang ta ci shi ci ke zai zuo she me..xiang ta you mei you xiang wo..xiang ta zui jing hai guo de hao ma...

Only me and my maid at home. Bro and sis just went out. I'll be out soon. Just thought I would drop a note here first. Trying to study, reading south east asia stuff..indochina, wayang, regionalism, colonisalism, nationalism, minority in laos, contemporary art..sigh you know I honestly think they are interesting? But I just can't absorb. Somehow it's the style of how the authors write, it makes me hard to comprehend and have a steady flow and coherent flow of thoughts, that I can commit to memory. Difficult to digest.. I think I would rather go and research on the topics myself through the net. OH no..wonder how I can pass my final yr..

In a comfortable position now, in the living room, light breeze, soft sofa.. Finally I get to use the internet at home in the living room instead of my bro's room. His chair is so hard and uncomfortable. Haha don't know why I'm mentioning such trival matters..whatever...whatever..whatever..

DND bash

DND bash last night was quite okay surprisingly. Cocco latte is damn small, but we all managed to have a good time. Everyone knows everyone. I drank a bit, just a little so was blissfully sober.

Luckily today is slack day, except for squash trials at night, Dp marketing meeting and web reporter meeting at night. Ok maybe not that slack.

research paper due -25/10
lsm 1101 test - 29/10
cm 1121 test - 01/11
south east asia presentation - nov...when ah..

hmmm...

4.21am. I have lessons from 10 to 6pm later today. Goodness why am I still up at this hour... People are awake, most watching soccer..should be ending soon though.. don't know where my energy come from, I don't even feel remotely tired now. *shrug* wo shi shen..haha..

Concidence that I happened to be chatting with 2 of my heads from the other 2 coms. I realised I'm really lucky..because my heads are people who are very very nice and understanding and most importantly, people I can click very well with. Makes my life a whole lot easier too...

brain sleepy

In the middle of a lecture now, I'm so damn sleepy.. I brought my lappie so that there will be less tendency that I would fall asleep..but I still did... I want to eat also. Hah just now went to daming's room..and there does my diet. Ate chocolates, twisties, cheese balls, wa wa biscuit. OK..2 hours more before my lecture ends. How sian. Today is really a boring day. The only nice thing is that the weather is really nice, didn't really stop raining.

Mitosis, gene will go cross here everywhere, mutation, lethal gene, nondistjunction linkage..forgive me, I'm just really bored..

Take me away..far far away..to somewhere I know nobody..

Rainy day

The sky is enshrouded by grey clouds, it's raining cats and dogs, the wind is howling like nobody's business, and I'm a little drenched, running from the terminal to the backgate of hall. Finally back in hall after a weekend of rest. I'm always most awake on Mondays since I sleep at home on Sundays nights. Sleeping at home = sleeping early. Anyway the weather is making me nostalgic, and sad at the same time.

Shall not brood too much. Long day ahead.

yawny sunday

Haiya just talked to my head of marketing committee. I feel very dui bu qi him cos he yi ci you yi ci de bao rong wo, but I took advantage of his kindness, stretched it, exploited it and let him down time and time again. Sigh, I really don't mean to... It's just the way I am. I like doing things the way I like..wo xing wo su and don't give a damn about what others will think. Bad bad bad..ok I gonna make a promise now.. I'm gonna stop doing things that will make him angry. Just for him. Not for the stupid committee or points or whatever..yupyup..

I really gonna start doing some work..

Sickie mingies

This is so DAMN irritating. I get sore throats all the time. My throat hurts real bad. It's not the sort you can detect on the outside, I mean my voice still sounds perfectly alright, it's just that everytime I swallow it feels as if there's this big ball inside rubbing against my throat. Hahah weird analogy ah. Don't know how I manage to come up with it also. Anyway because of this irritating illness, I missed my lab my tutorial and my lecture on wed. I missed carrying stuff and sentry duty on Tues. Yup so busy week become slack andack sick week. Well...I know I'm a big slacker..but..I am not so perverse until I rather be sick than to work.

Went for ocs social function last night as a very good friend of mine's date. Surprisingly I met a lot of people I know, and whom I haven't seen for a really long time. Zouk after that. I was still feeling sick so I didn't drink a drop of alcohol the entire there. Amazing huh. First time in history. Went back early.

Bored

OK i'm officially bored. I did say this week is going to be a busy week, and I still stand by that. Today is my only slack day and I spent the whole night finishing up some work to give me free time during the rest of the week.

Things to do for this week:
Tues - 8pm move bazaar stuff, 1-3am sentry duty
Wed - bazaar bazaar bazaar...till 6, dinner function at night, social committee meeting, (mambo?) hehe..
Thurs - bazaar bazaar bazaarrr
Fri - bazaar bazaar bazaarrrr....

gRRr i hate marketing. It takes up so much of my time.

OK i have research paper due next next monday. Ahhhh... havent even started.

Haiz I'm bored. I have a lot to do, but I don't feel like doing.

Car wash

Supposed to be at East Coast park today at 8.45 am but guess what.. I only woke up at 8.40am when my friend called me. Greats. I screw up once again. Then after that I thought since I'm late I might as well just take my time..so I did..dilly dallied a little and then set out on my long and ardous journey to the east side of the country.

I did marketeering again this time. Oh for those who don't know, I'm in the dance production marketing committee of Eusoff. Marketing com = making money com. So we work, for the hall. It's stupid. I think it's stupid. Why bother doing this sort of thing? OK yes it could be fun, it could be enriching, we learn stuff, but we waste a damn a lot of time! And it's not even for some noble course. It's for..our own pure entertainment. And most of us end up doing these because we need points to stay on in hall. The school and hall are just making use of us. GRR. I hate this.

Alright I deviated from my topic again. Marketeering means I'm the one approaching those car drivers and ask them whether they want to have their cars washed in the name of CHARITY (liar liar pants on fire, it's only indirectly for charity). Most of the others wash cars. I'm not sure which one is more horrible.

Working ended at 6pm. We made damn a lot of money again. That's good I suppose, for the com.

Back home, cos I decided I should stay at home just ot show my presence. Bored. I want to go back to hall.

Shall sleep soon. Next week is going to be even more hectic. I need good sleep.

sleep debt

Still going on strong depsite 3 hours of sleep last night only. Funny I'm not zombified even though I slept so little. Went wine bar/zouk last night and we ended up staying out till 5am. I'm proud to say Tay Yiming finally gathered enough self control and emerged sober in the company of so many drunkards. My friends had a good time I think, they drank quite a fair bit. I rejected drinks this time...limits...

Came back to hall, didn't even bother to bathe, went to bed at 5.30, woke at up by my floor mates at 8.30. Went to play inter-block soccer. Tired, but nonetheless glad I went cos it was prety fun. :)

Slept a bit just now and woke up. Time to go home..mum said sister is sick and she is having exam on monday. Ok I feel really gulity about not spending enough time at home..but a uni student got to do what a uni student got to do.. haha.. I have committments manz...

WHERE is SW! GRrr..I want to go home....

My friend commented that time passes extraordinarily fast today...how true...it's already 11.30 now and I don't seem to have done much today at all. Hmm trying to recall what I did today... Woke up in the morning, ate breakfast, went for south-east asia lecture, fell asleep after 15 mins, woke up 15 mins before lect ends. Fantastic. Went co op with Siwei to buy some stuff for Samuel's magic show, went to watch the law people rehearse for their return concert. Went for an hour prac, went back to law in time to watch the concert. Sam performing magic, he was good as usual, but cos I've seen so many of his tricks before, and I've been impressed so many times that this is just...another time to me... Still he was good. I'm so proud of my friends cos they are so talented. Sam, arvin, louis can play guitar, sam can perform magic, arvin can sing, wenjian is a genius with the piano...

Hmm..

Ok to continue with my boring life. Went back to hall. Went to meet social committee for preparation for formal dinner. We had to do ushering. It was quite fun cos I know practically everyone in the com. Had a not very nice dinner. IHG captain interview next. Ok it went really badly in my opinion because I seriously didn't anticipate any of the questions they asked. Like, use 5 adjectives to describe myself etc. Screwed up. But hey, it's ok. Don't get don't get lor...save me a lot of time also. Haha terence said "expected" when I told him my response. Yeah man that's me, take everything in life with a pinch of salt.

Ok enough said about my boring day. Hungry now..again..

Have I lost you?

I know I did the right thing, unfortunately doing right thing doesn't always make me feel better. I have to be cruel, for your sake. If I'm kind, I am being selfish, putting my own interests above your happiness. I'm suffering too, perhaps not as much as you, but still it hurts to see you walk away, as if I don't exist...invisible... Have I lost you?

poisoned

Went Eusoff bash last night. Despite of all my resolve not to get too high so that I'll actually be able to dance, I failed miserably last night. I didn't drink a lot, really..2 glass of vokha 7 up to begin with only..it was the POISON I drank after that. Toxic. Vokha and whiskey shots. They taste HORRIBLE. My world dissolved after that.

Woke up in the morning with a spinning head, dry throat and the urge to puke..

But all is good now.. A lazy sunday. Met up with a good friend and did a bit of shopping in town.

Vexed

I want to go home... My mum called a while ago. She sounded really upset... She thinks that I don't miss home at all and rather spend all my time in hall and outside..especially since I've been going home extremely late at night for the past few saturdays. I go home when she is asleep, wakes up when she is at work, goes back to hall on sunday nights before she is home. But what she doesn't understand is that I really do wish I could just spend a day at home..doing nothing..slacking..and just talk to her about stuff. She thinks I don't like to come home, and I'm never at home, but the fact is, she is seldom at home too... okok I don't blame her cos she is working so hard outside... I don't know how to explain to her..all my committments in hall... Sigh..

I've been awful these days. Nothing major, just most things here and there that i neglected. Everything is just getting to me...hall stuff, people, studies (although it's the least of my priorities), lack of sleep, pimples on the face..haha.. Vexed! I wish I can get away..from everyone everything..just go to somewhere where no one knows me, where there are no duties, no committments, no pressure no stress no expectations.. Escape. Yes I wish to escape again. My down moments.

responsibilities

Sometimes life just doesn't work out the way you want it to. You want this you want that, but you end up having noting. I hate myself sometiems because I'm so irresponsible. I know something is obviously wrong but yet I still chose to do it. Cos I'm one who has this mentality that if I like something, I'll do it. If I don't want to do something, there is no way you can make it do it. And one thing I hate most if doing things for the sake of doing things. So when I'm torn between responsibility and doing what I sincerely desire, I chose the latter, which is...not right...

Then after that, I have to pay for my actions. Sometimes I tihnk i'm a bit illogical, why do it when I know what I'm getting myself today? That's me, that's life...

I talked to him yesterday. For the 2nd time since he left only. It was..great to see him online..we talked about things that are happening in each other's life. He told me about meeting this professor who offered to drive 45 mins out of his campus to play squash with him. Apparently there are no squash courts in his uni. He talked about working, being busy...come to think of it, it's not much actually... I told him about dnd, pageant, hall, people, and how I'm eating so much and getting fatter haha. It was like 2 friends chatting and catching up...which is..well enough. What more can I expect?

Another long day....

slack day

I slept during lecture again...sigh I'm perpetually tired and sleepy. Irritating. After lect I went to the law library to study for my lsm 1101 test tmr..it's the first time i'm officially reading my biochemistry textbook and notes. Studied for 3 hours then...got really sick and tired of it so I decided to just heck. Siwei is right. I'm not aiming to be on dean's list, so..what for study so hard? Just 'can make it' can liao.. OKok bad attitude..sigh I'm just not in the mood to study.

Talking to my friend who just reached london 5 days ago, studying at Imperial. Cool..funny..I don't feel any envy now...going overseas to study is a good experience, but staying in singapore isn't so bad after all...always look on the bright side of life..:)

Hungry...I want my dinner!

screwed up test

Screwed up my test even though it was a 20 questions MCQ paper..makes it all the more trickier. Think I would do better..not that I deserve to do any better considering how much time I spent studying. But on the other hand, I think studying more wouldn't have made a difference, because the questions weren't straightforward. Okies enough about the test. I don't like brooding what is already over and can't be undone.

Shall update again later. Feeling sleepy now..as usual..

To annoymous

You're right, I know myself best. Although I don't know who you are, but I think no matter who you are, you won't know me better than myself. So think twice before you pass any judgement. Seriously, you know nothing.

Thoughts

Time really passes damn fast.. It's going to be oct soon, half a sem is over, and maybe with just another blink of the eye, the entire year 1 in NUS would have ended, just like that.. Time is passing too fast.. I wish to slow time down, because I'm enjoying myself..:)

The past week was our mid term break. I stayed in hall the entire week even though I wasn't exactly expecting myself too. Thought I would stay at home to pass more time with my family. -shrug- But since so many of my friends are in hall for me to hang around with, I stayed.

Celebrated terence's birthday with the pageant people last night. We are really a close knit group..it feels good to hang out together like that. Life in science would have been much boring without them..without terence and wenyan to crap with during lsm lects, and to constantly remidn me when our tests are, and send me lab reports for 'reference'..without sean there would be no one to ferry us around, and life would be a lot quieter too haha.

Watched xin jing cha gu shi, the jackie chan show with some of the hall people after that. Nice show. I hang around with the law guys pretty often now, because I'm particularly close to siwei, who is of course a law guy himself, and stay just below me. We can clique really well. Like I told him, there's just this thing between us that makes us snap. Chemistry? That's what make some friends, and others aquaintances. He is so sweet to me, like how a big brother would take care of his sister. Hmm hehe. Actually I feel pretty bad, always eating up his mooncakes and chocolates, and dropping crumbs all over his room. Oh well..

I have 2 tests next week. I haven't officially started..maybe just..read a bit of the notes here and there. But haiya..I don't know..I just cant get into the mood to study. I feel distracted and restless, even when I'm alone, like today.. It stresses me to see how terence and wenyan study. Haiyo. Results don't really matter to me that much, as long as I don't do THAT badly. Dean's list or not, what's the difference? Ok different mentality..bad mentality... Luckily I still fare pretty well for my chem test...phew...

I will miss hall life soo much when I leave..if I ever don't get to stay..I know it's a bit early to say this, but time really seem to be zooming past me that I think the academic year will end before I know it. I actually don't mind just staying in hall the whole time, not coming home at all...In hall, it feels like I'm playing and having fun all the time.

I almost wish I'm in law. The people are so much more fun and happening than those in science. And you actually can form a clique from law. Life science cohort is so huge that you see different people in every single lects. There's no way you can actually form a close group of friends just from science. Not so bad for me, cos I have the pageant people. I wonder how those who don't take part in outside activities survive. Won't it be damn boring?? Oh well I guess if you don't stay in hall, you would probably join a cca or sth. Anyway reverting back to law, it's just a passing thought, I won't really want to be in it cos..I have absolutely no interest in it, and seeing the books they study further extingiush my desire.

You know what, I still miss him. I still think of him every now and then. In fact I think about him every day. Things happen, I see things that remind me of what he has said, what we have done together, what he likes, what he gave me.. but slowly and gradually, I'm replacing my wallpaper, I'm throwing away dried flowers, I've kept the photos in my drawer...yes slowly and gradually..I'm putting him away. Sam told me I should email him to get an answer. A closure at least so I can move on. I didn't do it, I don't think I would. Initially I would feel miserable everytime I think about him, trying to play guessing game with myself.. Does he think about me as much as I think of him? Does he still love me? I realise..even if I did ask him, it wouldn't matter..the fact remains, he is not going to be back...for a long time...and nothing he says, would make me give up, or forget him. But life goes on. He has his own life, I have mine. I won't forget him, but I won't let him take over my life. I've kept him in a corner of my heart, a beautiful memory..focus on the right things in life. One day, perhaps one day when I see him again, I'll take out this piece of memory from my heart, and let it be rejuveanted, or die..

I've wrote a lot today, make up for the past week..too much thoughts, too little time to express..

favours

There are a lot of people around me who are really nice to me.. I'm not blind and I do see them.. Sometimes even I myself feel that I seem to be exploiting the people around me, without meaning to be. I stupidly knocked over my uncapped water bottle yesterday and spilled water onto my laptop. But no worries, all is well. My laptop seemed to be functioning just as well. I was lucky, and also thanks to my friend, who spent time using hair dryer drying it while I was in lecture.

Another friend of mine attempted to give me advice, said I can't be bothered to solve trival matters by myself, and I'm always relying on others to solve them for me. Not something I would like to hear, but the reason why I don't like to hear it is because it's precisely so true. I'm always relying on others to do things for me. Not that I'm not capable od solving problems by myself, I'm sure if I make an effort to actually try in the first place, I would be able to do it. I'm just too plain lazy..and too used to external help.

Those who help me always say, "What will happen if I'm not around?". Yeah thought about that too, what will happen if there isn't anyone to help me... But somehow there is always someone around...somehow...at least so far...

Cloudy head

Feeling a little sad now.. having a lot of things on my mind, about a lot of people, about my life.. Played squash for 5 mins just now n got bored. There are 2 squash courts in my hall, which makes it very convenient for me to play. Bored.. 3.5 hours have passed, and I haven't accomplished anything.

Sleepy day

I was so sleepy this morning. Left my econs lecture half way because I gathered since I'm going to sleep through the lecture, I might as well retreat to my hostel which is a 5 mins' walk away from the LT, and have a more comfortable rest. Went back, sleep sleep sleep, woke up at 11.30 just in time to make it for my lab at 12. 12-4 lab, stupid experiment. We kept screwing up the dilution and had to repeat the entire thing. Irritating. Went back to hall, decided to skip tutorial at 6pm. Haha in fact I conveniently forgot that I still had a tutorial to attend. Heck.

Ok so after lab I went back to hall with the intention to study really hard, to catch up on the lecture I missed. But..things rarely turned out the way I want them to.. I did my laundry, went to my friend's room to borrow econs textbook, and ended up listening to him for the next 30 mins telling me his sobbing love story... Sad? Sad! It's so sad to see him love the girl so much yet his feelings aren't reciprocated. No one's fault. God playing a trick on them. :( I told him to let it go. In fact I told him that many times already, but apparently it has fallen on deaf ears. Let it go. If it was meant to be, fate will bring you together again. Haiz seeing him so heartbroken breaks my heart too...

Had a nice dinner, chit chatting with hall friends. Back to the room, tried to get work done but unsuccessful again. Talking to friend. And next here I am, at home..STILL trying to do work......

I was so tired this morning. Woke up at 8am for breakfast, fell asleep after breakfast and then woke up at 11.45am when my lecture was at 12pm! Rush rush rush and it was a miracle I was only 5 mins late. That's the great thing about staying in hall.. Had the most hilarious tutorial after that. My tutor is a Thai who not only can't speak English properly, he can't understand us either. Class discussion was pathetic..and you would think classes in University should be a lot more interesting..my JC class would have done much better.. A Vietnamese in class did a presentation and his accent was so strong that no one understood what he was saying. All the locals were trying desperately to hide our giggles. My friend and I were struggling not to burst out laughing.. Okok I know that was mean cos he can't help it, but ahh we couldn't control it either...

An uneventful day... I have a lot of work to do... Better try to get something accomplished.. Sigh it's already 12.30..

Complications

Today wasn't a very long day. Ok do I normally start off my blog with such an innocent statement? Usually I'll say something obscure..like.."Life is full of complications." Haha which was initally what I wanted to type before I stopped myself. Heh. OK i'm crapping. It's 2.19am, I'm feeling freaking tired, but I can't sleep..yet..trying to solve my..complications...

I have been eating a lot recently. Think I'll start putting on weight soon. Haiya. Played squash just now, but it wasn't exactly that intensive. Sweat but it wasn't a complete work out. OH well, something is better than nothing.

As I was saying at the start, today wasn't a very long day..all I had was 2 lectures. I feel bad, cos I spent the whole night running about, never study... oh NO..

whoO hOo

2nd entry for today. Boring day. Slacking day. Rest day. Gave tuition in the late afternoon and then went for a little grocery shopping after that. Decided to stock up some food in hostel so I won't go hungry at night..ok I know it's bad..once I have food around me I tend to keep eating until I finish everything. Which is why I bought 5 apples, 2 boxes of grapes, cheese, yakult..and erm..a pack of kit kat, ritz, chips amoy... Hmm not a lot huh, shall buy somemore tomorrow..

Haiya I can't do any studying because I left all my textbooks and notes in my hostel. Oh well I didn't FORGET I had to study.. I just..eh..left them behind.......what am I saying huh.

Tomorrow is the start of a brand new week. Gonna be busy cos I'll be having all my labs and tutorials. Free in the evening because there is no more pageant training. Lalalala..

Finale

Yesterday marks the ending of my 2 months' catwalking... Dinner and dance came and went, and everything is finally over.. Like all endings, partings are such sweet sorrow. Emotions were high, a mixture of joy and sadness. Though all of us knew that we are definitely going to run into each other in school, we also know that things are never going to be the same again. No more endurance of harsh scoldings together, no more crapping, joking and slacking during trainings, no more trainings til wee hours of the morning, no more late night suppers.. We have formed strong bonds with each, hopefulling one that is strong enough to withstand the fact that we aren't going to see each other as often now..

It has been a wonderful experience. The feeling when you look back at something is always different. They showed this video of us during trainings, the bash, OG fashion show..and I suspect everyone felt the same way as me when they watched it.. A sense of nostalgia.. I have learnt so much about myself from this pageant. Imagine doing loads of catwalk in front of so many people..the dean was even there last night! Imagine having to answer questions on stage...

There was this performance we had to put up. Each couple was supposed to act out a scene from a movie. Mine was one from the Sassy Girl whereby the girl made the guy wear her high heels and walk. Hey to tell you the truth, never in my life before this did I think I could act, not to mention in front of an audience. I always thought I was the sort who would tremble and just DIE if you ask me to do stuff in front of so many people . But..apparently things went smoothly. The skit went really well, the audience was cooperative.. It is actually not that difficult! Outsiders would think it's not easy, but now that I've done it, I would say it's definitely not as difficult as it seems...of course there was the rush of adrenaline, and backstage was literally freezing cold, me and fellow contestant were like hugging each other and constantly reminding each other to keep calm the moment before we were supposed to appear on stage.. All in all..I really enjoyed it..

Post- pageant. We went for a HUGE supper after the event. We went newton to eat since it is one of the few places that is opened at 2am. Satay, singtray, lala (cockles, suger cane, dumplings.. We are all going to get fat after pageant heh...

Back to my life..I'm going to be so free from now on..time to concentrate on my studies..

Tuesday

Feeling kind of sleepy now..slept at 3 plus last night. Spent the night 'studying' with 2 of the D block guys. D block is where I stay in the hostel. They are really crappy, actually managed to had so much fun just by playing with my hair band and hippo key chain. Law students... We spent most of the time just talking nonsense. Oh well, it was expected...

Slack day for me, I only have one lecture at 4pm, but I woke up at 8 this morning because I'm the biological alarm clock for some of my hall friends. I don't need an alarm clock to wake me up, it's like the night before I can program myself to wake up at a certain time the next morning. It always works.

Going to have a long long pageant training tonight again.. Have I mentioned before I can't wait for the dinner and dance to end? But then again, I gonna miss hanging around with my pageant friends during trainings.. True enough we are still going to see each other frequently during lectures since most of us are in life science, but..it's not gonna be the same.. All good things must come to an end.. Ok I'm contradicting myself again, didn't I just said I can't wait for this to end...

Should I go gym later? I have yet to get a feel of the NUS gym. Heard from a friend it isn't all that great.. Hmm I guess I should even though my eyes are going to slam shut anytime.. Should start exercising again to keep fit.. Lalla.. :)

Deprived

I think I'm deprived. I keep doing things that continues to baffle myself. They make me question what kind of person I really am, and what do I really want.. How do other people see me.. How do I see myself.. That's the problem, I don't know how to see myself..

Spending a lazy day at home this Sunday. Nothing eventful. Attempting to complete this labn report but to no avail. I have 3 other simliar reports to use for 'reference'. I am not having difficulties completing the assignment because I am not even doing them. I am having trouble trying to paraphrase what they wrote so I can make them my own answers. I'm so lazy.

I am having a financial crisis now. Finally decided to stop most of my tuition because..ok I'm sorry I have to use that word again but I'm lazy. Haha. I just want to stay at home and laze around during weekends.. I'm officially broke. I'm using the money meant to pay for my hostel on shopping. Heck, money is meant to be spent. Why wait why wait why wait.. I won't go to the extreme.

Do you understand what I'm talking about? Sometimes I try reading my own blog and realise I don't know what I'm talking about. I seem to be repeating myself a lot. OK i'm not thinking, I'm just writing whatever that comes to my mind instantly.

Oh no what's wrong. Sigh.

Another day

It's just another day. Went for NUS sports bash last night at Chinablack. I like the music. Nice. Hmm it was alright I guess.. I really can't judge how fun a party can be anymore, after being to so many already..it's like to me..parties are just..."like that lor...". How different can they get...

Skipped econs lecture in the morning. I did managed to wake up but decided to go back to sleep cos I didn't want to be too tired for my lab session in the afternoon. Oh yes I had a 3 hours plus practical. At least it was air conditioned. It was a pretty dumb experiment. Tedious and totally pointless. I hate doing stuff for the sake of doing them.

Reflecting on my uni life up till this point of time.. The conclusion is: I haven't done that bad a job. I know quite a bit of people in hall, although only a few are my really close friends, it's enough. Haven't made any enemies at least..(I think). School work has been fine so far. I admit I've been rather slack, but I really don't feel any stress. What else.. I don't know.. Haiya...

Idle or not

It's very funny, when I'm bored I wish life could be exciting, full of activities for to me to take part in. I like to be mobile, moving around, doing things, not just idling around. But sometimes when I achieved that, I suddenly feel that it's very tiring to have to keep up with all the bustle around me. Then I feel like stopping, and just let everything race past me, not giving a damn about things. You know, just letting things go... Don' t think so much, don't get affected so much, no worries.. And then a while later, the boredom sets in..

Suffering a little blow with my self esteem.. Lousy mood..

Schoolwork

Reading econs textbook now..struggling to understand what the lecturer has been talking about during the previous lectures. I feel really tired recently, even if I tried to get at least 8 hours the night before, I still feel as in there is a hole inside me, draining my energy away bit by bit during the day. Just can't seem to be able to lift up my spirits. Must be all the late nights...staying in hostel makes one unhealthy.

No pageant training today. Science bash was last Saturday. It was boring, don't feel the urge to further elaborate. This is the first time I'm mentioning the pageant.. Funny it is..because it has been a huge part of my life for the recent months. All the training into wee hours of the morning, the aching feet, the scoldings, the friendships formed..

Anyway as I was saying, no training today, finally have a time to enjoy a night in my own room. I just want to stay here, with my radio on, and enjoy a moment of peace, all by myself..

Went wakeboarding yesterday. It was fun, a great experience, not as easy as it seems. There was a lot of time spent waiting for my turn. It was a great feeling, out in the sea on the wakeboard all by myself, away from the boat, waiting for it to tow me... There was silence, all of a sudden... Not the sort of silence in an examination hall, or at home when there is no music playing or tv on.. Don't know if you know what I mean... I suddenly felt this sense of tranquility inside me... The world is so peaceful... Life is so... Unchaotic and serene... Hard to explain how I felt at that time...

It felt wonderful too, sitting on the boat, wind blowing against my face, fluttering my hair. The sea is so vast..even if the whole world disappears, there is still the sky and the sea...

He is gone

He left. A part of me feels missing. Desperately trying to concentrate on my school work but apparently failing. Doesn't happen very often, I've always been someone who is able to put my personal affairs aside and focus on what is important.

The past month has almost been like a dream. A beautiful dream, almost like a fairy tale...Feelings were so strong... I can't even put it down in words. Have you ever love someone so much that the mere thought of him bring tears into your eyes? For the fear of losing him, never being able to feel him again or say "I love you".. No regrets, the happiness might have been short lived, but nonetheless, I choose short lived happiness over nothing, just as he did.

The day would come, he said he has anticipated it. The day of tears. The day for tears. At least for me it was. He didn't cry, I guess he is used to partings. Partings. "Be glad it once happened, not sad that it's over," - Tuesdays with Morrie. I'm trying to keep up with that optimistic outlook of life.

I didn't cry when I sent him off. I didn't cry when I see him walk further and further away...into the world I don't belong. I didn't cry when I left the air port, not even when memories come flooding back. I didn't cry...would he have known anyway...

His philosophy in life is to march ahead and never look back. Memories are meant for reminiscing a few minutes just before one goes to sleep. That's it, no point dwelling over the past. The past is over, the future waits. Forget the past.

That's my philosophy too, except I want the past to stay...stay with me...stay with him... and that one yr later when we meet again, we can start from where we move off.. But a lot of things can happen in a year... How love last that long? In reality?

Uni

Second day of school, so far I have only attended 2 lectures. School is just school, it is always boring, at least lectures are. Haven't been getting adequate sleep for the past 2 weeks, ever since I moved into hostel. On the verge of falling real sick, again. What's wrong with my body man, forever heating up. I have a sore throat.

The life science lectures are fine, probably because I have always been more inclined towards science. However the Arts module I have to take is torturous. It's really not my cup of tea... The worse is to access us we have to do tutorial presentation, a research paper, visit some musuem and write a paper on it...*groan*

Hall life has been fun. There are lots of stuff going on beneath the surface..mostly the "i like you, he likes her, she hates him" etc...common..and it's interesting, when you're not the one involved. I'm proud to say at this point of time I'm still innocent of such gossip..

Still adapting.....hope the coming life would be more eventful.

Love

How do you know when the person you're in love with is the true love of your life? I always believe in a person's lifetime, he or she will meet this other person, this person whom he is destined to be with...and when this person appears, you will know. You just know, deep in your heart. It's true. I have seen many examples around me. But sometimes people break up. Sometimes you meet the right person at the wrong time, sometimes you meet the wrong person at the right time...

First week in hostel

1st August! July flew by. Haven't updated my blog for the past 11 days. One of the reasons is that I haven't been at home for 7/11 days. Staying in NUS Eusoff Hall..did I mention that in the previous entry? Hmm can't remember. I have a single room to myself. The room has a bed, a large desk, a wardrobe and a full length mirror (yay!). I'm still doing my utmost best to 'furnish' the room but for now it still looks pretty empty. No books to fill the empty shelves, no lap top to occupy the desk, no picture to cover the blank white walls..yet..the things will come soon.

It's hard to believe that it has only been a week plus since I moved in. Partly because in these few days, it seems I have done so many things. There were ongoing orientation programs and games everyday, but sadly to say some of them are disappointingly boring. Actually the activities which I enjoyed most is just sitting down around with my group mates and crapping, or going to Fong Seng (consisting of roti prata and other stalls) next to my hall. Yes that's the best part..being with my new friends, people whom I'm going to be seeing very often for the next year.

There are a LOT of foreigners in Eusoff Hall. Plenty of PRCs, Malaysians, a few Vietnamese, one from UK, another one from Sri Lanka, Pakistan even... Interesting mix of people, but unfortunately we the locals tend to stick together, with some Malaysians. Different cultures..hard to click.

Hectic

I know it has been a long time since i last blog.. actually there were a few times when I started writing a few sentences on the blog and then stopped cos I didn't know how to continue...

Life is hectic these days and a lot of things have changed and happened. Good stuff bad stuff sad stuff happy stuff.. Days are racing, I'm struggling to keep up, so much so that I'm sick, again. What's wrong with me, I used to be pretty fit..

5th to 10th July was the NUS Sports Camp. I had loads of fun and made a lot of friends. I love the people in my group, and not to mention my very fantastic ogls. We get along really well, and we have had quite a considerable number of outings since then, considering it has only been a week since camp ended. We have been to KTV at kbox and sunlight plaza, a supper marathon at chomp chomp, geylang and ecp, supper at newton circus, dinner at billy bombers, marche, nydc, pastamania, far east..whoa..

I'm setting my own personal record: I haven't been home before 11pm since then..staying out late almost everyday..

God is fair huh, sad things happen simultaneously. Sometimes I marvel at myself, I seem to be able to compartmentalise my thoughts, an area for sad thoughts, that corner for happy memories, the ceiling storing embarrassing moments.. I dived into whichever corner I wish at whatever times, shutting out the rest as and when I wish.. To draw strength, to give myself strength, to stop weak tears from flowing, to forgive myself.. Don't bother if you don't know what I'm talking about. I just need a place for me to express my feelings..

I'll be checking into eusoff hall on thurs..looks like i'm going to be really really busy once more...

awful

I'm supposed to be really healthy, even my mum said among the 3 of us (my bro and my sis), i was borned the healthiest, the longest and the heaviest. I was really chubby as a baby..she said she ate a lot of pu ping and milk when she had me..

Sigh but starting to doubt what she said because I keep getting sick these days. Had lips like sausages on Mon and Tues and I had to keep drinking water every few minutes. That means frequet trips to the toilet as well. My body is burning inside.. I had fever just now.. HAIZ. HELP. I feel awful.

cloudy

I look out of the window and saw the cloudy sky, that's why that's the title for this post. My maid is leaving today, can't say that I'm sad, even though she has been working for us for the past few years. I'm a little teeny weeny sad, but because partings are always meant to be depressing.

It's gotta be another Day. Giving tuition later, then going to the gym, and then helping my mum with her work. That sounds real boring. Hopefully there is some kind of program after that.

I'm soo broke.

Tired

I'm surrounded by so many sick people that I think I'm going to become sick myself.. Feeling kind of tired now, had reason to be though, exercised for approximately 2 hours just now. I was reading cleo and they mentioned this product which can de-cellulite your buttocks, thighs and stomach, places where cellulite tend to be at their most obvious. Cool..I think I should get one of those. Wonder how these people come up with such products, maybe someday I can invent one too..

It has been a dreadfully long time since I went clubbing. Kind of miss it.. The music, dancing, drinking, letting go..no inhibitions, free of worries, at least for that moment..

I borrowed this book called "A Woman's Guide to Savvy Investing". I was 'wowed' by it. There are actually so many complications and tactics to buying stocks, bonds and insurance. Is there a school whereby they teach people how to invest? I think there should be.. It's a skill. An asset. I was just bored..and suddenly felt the urge to learn about the REAL world. The MONEY world.

I guess I'm growing up.

future

How will I be like 4 years later? What will I be doing? I have so many questions about my future.. I guess I shouldn't be alone, loads of people, especially those around my age should have their thoughts hovering around similar grounds. With regard to my future, my mind is filled with skepticism.. I know it's dumb, because life is so unpredictable. You think this road is straight and will continue smoothly till the end but most often it deviates to some muddy path ridden with dirt, red ants and annoying mosquitoes. It looks pessimistic but hey, you really never know...

I don't really want to work next time.. I don't want my life to be consumed by work. The Viscous Cycle (of poverty). Work long and hard, struggle to make ends meet, have to think twice before buying stuff… WO BU YAO! I want to enjoy the luxuries of life. I want to travel. I sound so materialistic. Yeah I realize, I’ve become like that recently. But on the other hand I don’t think I would want to be tai tai…I want to be part of the working society as well.. I’m so Contradictory.

Thinkie thinky think

An uneventful day. It's so boring that I don't know whether I should even begin to start typing this, but I'm feeling bored now..okay I'm ALWAYS bored.

Gave tuition in the afternoon, walked around west mall for an hour or so and was tempted by the ongoing sales. Couldn't resist buying another pair of slippers, AGAIN. i have so many zillions slippers, all the same kind and around the same colours scheme also. Most people probably won't know that..you know how is it that sometimes even when you buy new stuff, you just keep wearing your old ones? Could be because it no longer looks so attractive once you're in possession of it as compared to when it's on display, or maybe you realise it's not comfortable, it's the wrong colour, doesn't match with any of your clothes.. I don't know whether anyone else has the same problem as me.. Most girls should have that experience though.

I don't see a point in dressing nice in Singapore. No one appreciates it. I read in a book everyone in LA has looks comparable to movie stars. Nice bods, excellant tan, and they dress well.. Wonder how true that is. But hey in Singapore people just throw a pair of bers and T-shirt and poof! Off the streets we go. Good and bad. I am too bored these days, took to browsing ebay for Dior, LV and other branded goods. Have this THING for branded stuff now. My friend said it's all part of GROWING UP. But eh..by observation, not many of my friends are like that..

I passed!

So happy! I'm finally a legalised driver. Oh well but then I won't have much chance to drive anyway, cos both me and my brother would be fighting over the use of my dad's car. Lala but still..at least something is finally right for me now..

Drizzling outside now. Dark angry clouds looming over us.. I love this weather.

The sun, the sand and the sea

Spent a lazy day at the sunset bay with a few of my friends. It was nice and sunny..we laid on the sand suntanning while munching twisties and drinking peach tea. The sun was literally above us and it's a miracle I didn't get sunburnt. Oh well but I did applied a lot of sunblock..it's one thing to get tanned, another to get peeling skin. We swam too..and bascially that was all we did. The sea was sparkling and shimmering under the hot sun, as if there were rows of diamonds floating on it.. A simple enough scene, easy for you to capture..yet it felt so good just looking at it.. Exudes tranquility, serenity..peacefulness. Just by glancing at it, it feels as though all your troubles are non existant. Insignificant. That life is beautiful, why fret? What is there for you to fret over?

Suddenly questioned myself why I haven't done this earlier.. We really should go to the beach more often. Must remind myself to go there next time even when I start studying..

Btw thanks for your encouragement, add me on your msn gnimiyy@hotmail.com if you happen to read this. :)

Guardian angel on leave

I really don't want to write about how depressed I am again.. It seems to be the only emotion I have these days.. i think my guardian angel is on leave..and has been on leave for a long long time...

I think only my closest friends would have noticed a trend, that I'm almost ALWAYS attached. The break between my relationships are short. What's wrong with me? I think I am just a poor lonely soul in need of company at all times.

Manz, I'm feeling sorry for myself..please don't take what I'm saying seriously.

I often wonder how 2 people who is in love can be so miserable together..is it me who gives too little, or is it you who want too much..are we just too stubborn, a head on collision..

Another day

Thought of something.. What if you are not holding an apple? What if it's an orange, durian or grape? Today, I was suddenly lightning struck by a sense of inferiority, feeling as if my entire soul was smeared with imperfections.. Hmm actually not, more like.. There are so so many many people who has achieved so much more than me.. I hate that feeling. I supposed sometimes one should be content with an apple, at least it's not a lychee, or grape or smelly durian.. I have an..apple..

Yesterday was a nice day. A simple night out with a good friend, had dinner at crystal jade, cruised around town, went to THAT CD SHOP at pac plaza. I didn't even know it existed until yesterday.. Where have I been! Anyway it's a really cool CD shop, somewhat like HMV with a sleeker look, much much much less crowded. But the core music they play there is..Jazz, chill out, new age..etc..music I don't really listen to that often..

Caught movie.."Confessions of Drama teenage.." I cant even remember the full title. Cheap humour. Too..high school material for me..not the sort that most guys would enjoy I think.. The girls maybe. Overheard some girls exclaiming "it was so sweet!" in the toilet.. Yeayea undoubtably sweet at certain parts..but hey..it was still pretty cliche.

Oh that reminds me of another reason why I'm feeling so okay today. Just got my tuition pay and went on a shopping spree. Feeling guilty because I spent so much.. I think I can forget about saving up for some trip or something.. Money is meant to be spent right.. Why wait.. Wait till when..

Must be boring reading my blog today..well at least it's normal, not sad..

Read this article that said men are born to be happy. No one taught us to be sad, our natural mental being is to be happy.. How true is that.. *shrugz*

A story

I heard a story on radio yesterday. The title is "I still have an apple."

A man was lost in a vast desert. Scorching hot, perch dry, isolated from civilisation. He was desperate, alone, frantic and lost for hope when he found an apple on the ground. He didn't eat it but kept it in his pocket as he carried on walking and walking..

There came a point in time when he was so thirsty that he wanted to eat the apple, but he didn't. He continued walking and walking until he was so exhausted and dehydrated that he felt he could go on no more. At this moment, he took out his apple and he told himself, "Hey, at least I still have an apple." With that, he mustered his last ounce of energy and pushed himself to continue walking.

As the journey proceeded, there were times when he wanted to give up but everytime, he would take out his apple and tell himself to go on because he still have the apple. Eventually, he found his way out of the desert...

Moral of the story, we will encounter many setbacks in life but we must always look at the positive side, look at the things we have, the "apples" in our lives and.. carry on living! No matter what, life goes on..

First one

I'm actually that bored. Just visited zx's blog and decided to start one of my own. Stuck at my mum's office now doing nothing. I don't know why I'm actually here in the first place, supposedly to 'work', but there isn't anything for me to do!!

My life sux big big big big big big big big time. I can't ever remember a time when things have ever gone so wrong. This has been an awful awful year so far. I've failed in everything I've been doing.. Not going to announce to the whole world about it because.. I still want to save some face for myself. N.. sigh I'm just not the sort who likes to talk about the mishaps that are happening to myself. When something goes wrong, I prefer to keep it to myself. It's my mechanism, how I operate, how I combat sadness. I see tears as a weakness, n I know if someone starts to console me, my tears will start flowing. How can I bear to let anyone see me crying??!

The only person who can console myself, is myself.

Some people mistooken my refusal to share, my dismissal "oh I don't wanna talk about it" as nonchalance. They think I don't care and whatever is happening to me doesn't affect me on a large scale. That's rubbish. N of all people, that person must be my bf. Great. Did I tell you? Life is fantastic.