walking back 2011...

Counting down to 2012, 3 more days to go.

Looking back 2011, what have I done?

1. I made my first trip to Japan, Hokkaido. Though it was a company trip where I had the chore of entertaining business partners, I was surprised to find that I enjoyed Japan very much. All white and snow and clean and pretty, I finally why some people call Japan their favourite country. Skied and nearly rolled down the hill - have slight phobia of skiing ever again.

2. Had to cancel my personal trip to Japan that I spent months planning, because of the earthquake. Sad.

3. Planned my Eastern Europe trip in a month and went there 16-30 May. Visited, in sequence - Berlin - Warsaw - Krakow - Prague - Vienna - Budapest - Salzburg - Munich. It was a bit of a whirlwind holiday but still extremely enlightening and enjoyable. Favs: Krakow and Salzburg.

4. Picked up golf and gave it up.

5. Went downhill at my job and went to work feeling gloomy for a period of time.

6. Got offered a job and turned it down. That's when I realised money is all THAT important to me.

7. Went India. Loved it again.

8. Went Cambodia and visited the school we built back in 2006. Touched that it's still strong and standing after all these while. The affinity for this place is still as strong as ever.

9. Got really drunk 3 times this year, or at least from what I still can remember.

10. Took my grade 2 piano exam and was so nervous I thought I screwed it up. But I passed, yay!

11. Started having a thing for classical music since I picked up piano.

12. My bestie is a mother and has a cutie son.

13. Encountered a change of job scope to cover South Asia. Excited yet doubtful, whether it's sufficient to sustain my enthusiasm.

14. Made my first trip (business) to Sri Lanka.

15. Started drinking more wine, eating more good food, and reading a lot more books. Currently reading 1Q84.

One Day

Once again, I find myself in a downward spiral.

I can't think. I refuse to think. I've functioning on autopilot mode.

It seems like despite getting what I wanted, or rather having all options available and having the free will to choose whatever I want, I'm still not happy.

I'm on the book One Day. This is a novel on missed opportunities. I don't want to look back and realised I've missed something.

"You can live your whole life not realising that what you're looking for is right in front of you."

Honestly, I just feel like sitting on a sofa, next to a floor-to-ceiling glass pane. Outside, there's greenery and water and small animals and sunshine is pouring in. Tucked with a book and a cuppa of coffee.

That's life isnt it.

one by one

When things are lining up in queue waiting for you to handle, the only way is to take things one at a time, isnt it? It means prioritising and skipping non-urgent, not important stuff as a whole.

I hate to admit it, and I refuse to admit it but I'm starting to feel the heat. I'm the sort that feels uncomfortable if I know any pebbles are left unturned.

Therefore I need to constantly remind myself to keep things slow and steady, one by one. Haste creates more waste.

I need that, to retain my sanity. And my pride does not allow room for failure.

my dear friend

I meant to say. I did something wrong many years ago. Something that was seemingly innocuous to me but inconsiderate, hence I ended up hurting a close friend of mine a lot and eventually losing her at the beginning of this year.

I admit, I havent tried very hard to win her back, and I'm not sure if i understand why myself. Why havent I tried harder? Why?

It isnt that she isnt important to me. I swear I've always thought of her as one of my bridemaids on my wedding day. She is 'by default'.

We go back a long way.

I remember the time we learnt dancing together. I wasnt interested, i was just curious, and I joined because of her.

I remember the afternoons we spent swimming ands tanning.

More recently, I remember getting drunk and waking up at her place.

These memories count a lot, dont they?

One day one day, please forgive me. I know we'll be good friends again.

I miss the hysterical, emotional, paranoid, uncontented you.

come away with me

"But you can touch everything and be connected to nothing."

I was watching a hk drama at the usual 8pm time slot. The man learns of the devestating in indo and wants to leave everything behind in hk, be a volunteer and help to rebuild the houses. At the same time, he wants to take photos of the reality of life and see the world.

The girl, upon learning his intention, was dismayed. She wants a stable career, a family, and a simple life.

She said she doesnt need to see the world.

He said, come with me and lead a free life. I promise I'll make you happy.

She said, how can you just leave everything behind? Why are you so impractical?

He said, lots of people do that. Why can't you for a moment see from my point of view?

She said, so why can't you see from MY point of view?

Two people who clearly loves each other, but with totally different objectives in life. Who will give in to who? Love indeed does require people to make sacrifices...

they just aint perfect

"i asked you what you thought about your parents..."

"i asked if you felt they were perfect or needed improvement.."

"you said they werent perfect, but they didnt need improvement"

"..it means you're willing to accept people the way they are. nobody is perfect. not even mum and dad. that's okay."

- have a litte faith, mitch albom

My eyes turned blurry when i read this. I was suddenly struck by a wave of emotion.

It was at the moment, I realised I've been blaming my parents all these time. I've been blaming them silently, deep inside, unknowing even to myself.

I blamed them for not pushing me hard enough. I blamed them for not giving me as much as what other parents would have given. I blamed them that despite my perfect grades, I wasnt given the opportunity to do better in life when i could easily have. I blamed them for not giving me advice when i most needed it. I blamed them for not exerting enough control over me, letting my life went haywired for a while.

Sometimes, I blame them for not loving me enough.

Now i understand. they just ain't perfect, and I shouldnt have expected them to be.

Just as when I'm a parent myself, there'll be areas where I'll be lacking in, and my kids might resent me for.

You just got to understand that nobody is perfect.

potassium

They called me an unpolished diamond.

I pretend I do, but I don't really see it.

He told me to:
1. Fine-tune, tone down
2. Work hard
3. Set the bar higher

Noted, but how do I do that? I don't know how to.

I'm a potassium - highly reactive and explosive.

Disgressing:
From Jerry Maguire...
"I pretended that the proposal by the car was real, it might just have been hypothetical, but at least I can do something about it now..."

all things beautiful

My thirst for all things beautiful;
let's celebrate life

A beautiful of classical music by Bach
Admiring a Starry Night by Van Gogh
Watching the green pastures pass me by as we ride a train to Austria
A dog wagging his tail as he greets you at the door
Saddened by a tragic story of a novel
Touched by the eternal sunshine of a spotless mind
Eating muffins with beloved colleagues
Laughter and joy over the most nonsensical jokes
Foie gras that melts in the your mouth
A glass of red wine, or many glasses..that leaves you craving for more
Architectural wonders of Singapore, bright shimmering lights...
Touched by love...

Yes, let's celebrate life.

my poison

A meal without wine is like a day without sunshine,
except that on a day without sunshine
you can still get drunk
- Lee Entrekin.

Apple

"My job is to not be easy on people. My job is to make them better.”

“You can’t just ask customers what they want and then try to give that to them. By the time you get it built, they’ll want something new.”

3 Apples changed the world;
the Apple that Adam ate
the Apple the fell on Newton
the Apple that Jobs created

Selfless love

Love is always selfish, the only difference is the ratio. The ratio of your self-centredness vs how much you're percentage of your heart and soul that you're willing to give away.

I'm a selfish lover. I'm too practical, too experienced. So is he. We've seen too much, we've been through too much.

The only unconditional love that exists in this world is probably that between mother and child.

Selfless love. This is the reason I find this concept so luring.

city girl, small town heart

Just came back from a 4 days not-that-exciting, holiday-like trip in east Malaysia. i flew to Brunei, took the car to miri, flight from miri to bintulu followed by bintulu to sibu. i was chasing planes to come home, from 2.30pm yesterday, i took the plane from sibu to kuching, kuching to KL and lastly from KL to Singapore, home sweet home.a little bit of drama here, i made it for my flight but my luggage didn't. to be honest, i wasn't very surprised. i actually had to rush quite a fair bit to make it on the flights myself. so i guess that was why i wasn't too agitated when i heard my luggage had to take the next flight in. in the end. it arrived at 12.40am on my door steps.

This trip was..well..i cant find the right adjectives to describe it. boring yes, in a sense, most of these places I've been to last year besides sibu. meeting dealers was a chore, i didn't have the heart and enthusiasm to speak to them. I've changed, the marissa who came last year was different. i didn't work much, because i simply talked little and asked little questions.

Though that's not i have not gained anything from this trip. i have in fact, an insightful view of the way of life in small towns like these. sometimes by merely listening, you can decipher a fair bit. i appreciate their lives. slower, but not without their own pressures and troubles. slower doesn't necessarily to an easier or happier life, that we have to realise.

Less expectations definitely. and the way they see life in a big city, is not unlike a goldfish in an aquarium, peering at the outside world. it looks glittery and glamorous, but they are resigned to their lives, and they're completely at ease with NOT being part of it. outsiders like us think - how can anyone live like that? But everyone has their own way of life. I've learnt that a lot of things ingrained when you're young, defines who you are. it CREATES you.

I just finished the book Never Let Me Go during this trip. it started out uneventful, but as the story flows, bits and pieces were revealed that exposes a fantastic plot beneath. this is the reason why i say a lot of who you are depends on how you're brought up and the environment. the papers yesterday says that the ministry of education is incorporating character and moral building into the youngsters' curriculum, and stuff like self-awareness etc. from what i see, this is definitely important, but they should also draw importance away from the usual subjects of maths and science, and cultivate love for other things in life which were previously considered unimportant and irrelevant to a human being's future.

For example:

Love for music
Love for nature
Love for design
Love for cooking, art...

These are important too right?

We need to break away from the stereotypes of the society. Like seriously, we need to stop functioning like a corporation. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with wanting to make money, but if this is not what you want, we need to have the courage to say hey, no, i want to do something else, and have the courage to pursue that something else, despite what people say.easier said than done of course, it's not easy to ignore what people say. We're social creatures after all..

This is why sometimes I wish I didn't grow up in this society. it has reared us in the way that we think this is what we want. We actually believe in it, because this was the way we're brought up. influence from a young age is hard to alter. how else do you think they train child soldiers in Sri Lanka?

I'm still looking for my own non-stereotype.

"sometimes you have to let things go, in order to let better things come into your life"

Miri

I rejected an offer to head out tonight. This is unlike me. A year ago, I would not have even considered not joining. A year ago (more than that actually), I was in Miri. A year ago, I was in Ipoh. Have I changed? Or perhaps the company just wasnt right.

I have been drinking too much lately. So much so that I'm starting to fear. Fear for my health, fear for my insane behaviour. This fear was also unthinkable a year ago.

I treasure my time alone now. Alone in the hotel room. Just by myself. Me and my thoughts.

On another note, I found out I passed my piano exam, with merit. I was SO relieved. I can move on to the next phase.

I'm bored already. Man, I still have 2.5 more days. Help me get through them. I wonder which is worse, staying in Singapore and get BORED, or coming here and feel BORED.

Is there a difference?

the melancholy of flying away

en route - singapore to brunei

At the airport now, waiting for my flight to Brunei, the first destination of my 4 days East Malaysia tour.

The skies are grey and dark clouds are looming. There's something melanchoic about the scene. I could just sit here and stare at it forever, oh yeah and probably sink into some kind of depression haha, with my thoughts running amok.

lacunar infarct

"Transfiguratively, lacuna comes to mean a gap, deficiency, or loss. The term "lacunar infarct" refers to a stroke that involves a small area of the brain responsible for a specific function, or ever a specific memory.

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot! / The world forgetting, by the world forgot / Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! / Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd."

It just goes to prove you can never fully erase a memory.

It just keeps coming back.

And so I find a corner in my mind, somewhere no one has ever been to before, somewhere quiet and tranquil, where no one can find me, and place all my memories inside, gently and carefully. And before I leave, I whisper to it: I'll be back to visit you once I'm ready. Till then, please be safe.

Summer of Love

Counterculture of the 1960s

"...freedom to explore one’s potential, freedom to create one’s Self, freedom of personal expression, freedom from scheduling, freedom from rigidly defined roles and hierarchical statuses...".

"... wished to modify children's education so that it didn't discourage, but rather encouraged, "aesthetic sense, love of nature, passion for music, desire for reflection, or strongly marked independence.""

The sun rays

I remember not too long ago, Yasi and I were out at Vivo buying a cake for Zoey to celebrate on her birthday. We went out in the late afternoon. I saw people having their afternoon high tea at Baker's Inn, which was situated just next to the ceiling glass panel facing the fountain out in the wrong. It was sunny, and the sun rays were pouring in.

I commented, how nice if the temperature outside was 22 degrees, just like in Europe, during early summer or autumn.

Why did I bring this up out of the blue?

I'm missing the late afternoon sun rays...

Are we destined to spend Mondays to Fridays stuck in the office facing a computer screen?

what am i gonna do?

i'm so sick of it all.

i need to run away.

Unexpectedly, inspired

The world is so big, and there're so many things happening.

This feels like some kind of calling really. Today is another day at work. I just came out from a Microsoft meeting which was titled SMB/Enterprise/Education licensing. Sounds boring right? Which was exactly what I was expecting it to be - another boring briefing that I would just sit through and let my mind wander.

True indeed, my 'monkey mind' was activated. My mind drifted, but it was inspired by the discussion.

The meeting was basically about Microsoft supporting government sponsored PC/IT projects in various countries all over the world - India, Thailand, Malaysia, China.... countries which are economically less privileged.

Of course, where were my thoughts led to? My beloved Cambodia of course, since I'm in the midst of preparing a new project.

I was thinking to myself - hey, this can be initiated in Cambodia as well. Oh well, but not yet. Answer is simple. When Gandhi made the speech to the Indians to support the local congress party so as to lead the nation to independence, he said that Indians do not care who rules the country, whether it's the rich foreigners or the rich locals. What they care about is their salt, their food on the table, their crops, the very basic key substance to survival.

Without air, without water, without food, what is iPads or TVs, or the American Idol? WHO GIVES A DAMN??

I finally saw a glimpse of light - where I could possibly contribute to the society by working in a notebook company.

But Cambodia is not ready yet. I'm at the advanced stage, of the development of the standard of living.

In perhaps all civilisations, first comes the food, then the luxuries.

Being able to surf the net is a luxury.

The Cambodian kids do not even have concrete floors to step on, or electricity, or textbooks, or pencils, or shoes, or....and the list goes on....

Can you actually jump stages? From nothingness to slates?

I dont know, electricity is definitely a must. But let's say if electricity was available, do people need to progress as per what history was dictated, or could you possibly 'skip' phases?

Anyway, this question is not for now.

I need to learn. I want to do more. I want to be capable of creating more.

This is what I want to do, I think.

Hopefully in the near future, the last 2 words of my previous sentence can be eliminated.

Maintaining Happiness

...people universally think happiness is a stroke of luck, something that will maybe descend upon you like fine weather if you're fortunate enough. but that's not how happiness work. Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for you, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it, you must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat of it. If you dont, you'll leak away your innate contentment.

maybe i'm really not as stupid as i think i am.

maybe they're right, i'm just not utilising my brain.

i just need to set my mind to it.

Disorientation

I'm feeling rather disoriented these days. It seemed as if I'm working in the way I wait for each day to go by, doing what is required of me, not overachieving, not anticipating, no expectations of myself or whatsoever...

I'm just waiting, and I don't know for what...

It's like I'm in some kind of trance, some kind of transit mode, and I'm patiently waiting for myself to wake up and move on with my life. I'm frozen.

A carefree life; a high achiever - are they mutually exclusive? I posted this question my facebook.

Most people talked about striking a balance. But to me this is entirely a see-saw question. You can only tilt either way, not both ways. To strike a balance, it means you're reasonably balanced on both ends, neither superior in either.

Then brings the question: what do you consider a high achiever? Is it wealth? Power? Or perhaps, bringing up your children well - this was of course brought up by Eve.

Most people would by default, consider it the former. A high achiever is commonly associated with materialistic accomplishments.

If I've travelled to more countries in the world than anyone else, am I a high achiever?

If I can speak 30 different foreign languages, am I a high achiever?

If I have done much charity and helped mankind, am I a high achiever?

If I am a great pianist and bring joy to others with my music, am I high achiever?

Back to my very first question, unfortunately, or fortunately, I would choose a happy/carefree life over any form of wealth. Maybe that would mean I could never go far, who knows, but hey, what's the point of having so much if you don't enjoy it?

I'm also rather disillusioned about love, marriage and having children recently. I do not believe in forever love. How do you keep to ONE person all your life with all the temptations out there? How can you promise your love will not diminish with time and age? HOW?

When you live with someone and see this someone every DAY and NIGHT, where do you find time for yourself? Where do you find your own personal space? How do you have your own life, separate from his?

Why would anyone want to have kids? When you've children, you lose yourself, your life. You are not about you anymore, you are your child. It takes over you, it takes over your life. I'm afraid of losing ME.

I'm honestly thinking too much these days.

eat, pray, love

i've been reading this book for a long time. since start of aug before went to india, until now.

there're some sentences in the book which i've meant to write it down, just so cos i can so relate to them.

'travelling is the great true love of my life
that to travel is worth any cost or sacrifice
i am loyal and constant in my love for travel, as i have not always been loyal and constant in my other loves.
i just dont care what it puts me through. because i adore it. because it's mine. because it looks exactly like me.'

'i am burdened with what the Buddhists call the "monkey mind" = the thoughts that swing from limb to limb stopping only to scratch themselves, spit and howl. from the distant past to the unknowable future, my mind swings wildly through time, touching on dozens of ideas a minute, unharnessed and undisciplined.

..you're never where you are. you're always digging in the past or poking at the future, but rarely do you rest in the moment."

'...a particularly heart breaking awareness of time's passage..

i have searched frantically for contentment for so many years in so many ways, and all these acquisitions and accomplishments - they run you down in the end. life, if you keep chasing it so hard, will drive you to death. time - when pursued like a bandit - will behave like one, always remaining one country or one room ahead of you, changing its name and hair colour to elude you, slipping out the back door of the motel just as you're banging through the lobby with your newest search warrant, leaving only a burning cigarette in the ashtray to taunt you.

at some point you have to stop because it won't. you have to admit you cant catch it. you gotta let go and sit still and allow contentment to come to you."

Accepting myself

Written 9 Aug, en route Agra - Jaipur

I spent today trying to figure myself out, despite having been told the opposite - there was no need to do so.

I guessed I didnt really believe it. How can you not know yourself?

The question is subconsciously repeated in my mind: who am I?

Let's talk about simple materialistic wants.

Luxurious 5 star hotels or rough it out? I enjoy Europe where everything is posh and polished, yet I claim Cambodia is my favourite country in the world. Now that I'm in india, i'm embracing the colours and culture here.

Dreamer or realist? I dream an awful lot, but yet when it comes down to facing cold hard truth, I'm the first one to acknowledge.

Introvert or extrovert? Bubbly at times, yet with close friends or strangers alike, there're times when i despise small talk and start withdrawing into my own private space...

An identity crisis. It shouldnt be happening now. It happens to 18 year olds but not to a 26 working adult.

Perhaps i should just come to terms with the fact that I'm neither here nor there. And that itself defines me as a person. i do not have to be black or white. I do not have to choose a side. I can be both, and both can be me.

Perhaps what i really need is not to find out who i am, but accepting me as who i am.

Hiatus

Hello,

I wonder if anyone still reads my blog. Just as well that no one reads it, cos it means i'm absolutely free to write about anything I want without having to worry about 'leaking' too much of my inner thoughts to the outside world.

I wanted to start a brand new blog actually, to pen down my thoughts from my travel experiences. But this is so much more convenient.. :p

Then again, my travel journal doesnt contain that much information of the places I've visited; it's largely geared towards the emotions that these places evoked in me. At the end of the day, my journal still revolves around ME, and would not serve as a useful travel guide for would be visitors. Realising this, i know i can never successfully create a travel journal.

Having dinner with J last night made me realised that i've neglected the person who is closest to me. I've failed to 'see into his heart'. He asked me: what's the meaning of life? Yes, this isnt the first time he posed this question at me, rhetorical i might say, he isnt expecting any form of enlightenment from me. I realised i've always heard him, but never listened.

I tried though. I could only speak from experience. I told him we have to let go. Let go of things that burden you down. Wrong decisions were made, that's fine. I still havent quite figured out who i am, that's ok. I still have no idea what i want in life, but that's me. I do not have to be either black or white, i can be grey, and grey is me. Instead of forcing myself to find an answer, what i need to do is the accept that THIS IS ME.

ok with this, i remembered what i wrote in india. A sudden bolt of 'enlightenment' hit me on the roads. With this, my next post.

2011

it has been so LONG since i last blogged! i cant believe i'm doing this now again. just had this sudden urge to click in the link this evening. this boring tuesday - a rare day i have all to myself.

in fact i'm a little taken by surprise this blog still exist, that it hasnt been deactivated or that i havent forgotten the password to it.

so what has happened or changed since last june?

i've picked up golf - albeit i still sucked at it and dont seemed to have made any progress as compared to the first time i picked up the golf club

i started playing piano and i love it. it's my respite from the world. it's just me and my music, and i totally want to immerse myself in it.

i celebrated my 26th bday.

we celebrated his 27th bday.

we went to egypt and back.

i went to hokkaido, skiied and practically rolled/walked down the hill.

jas is married, and pregnant.

we went to malacca, bf, myself, jas and adrian.

i plucked out my widsom teeth, the left side.

things that havent changed:

i'm still working in toshiba.

i'm still with bf lee.

i'm still me.

i'm still the same old, dissatisfied, goal-less, direction-less girl/woman.

"cos you're amazing..just the way you are..."

somehow, sometimes, i long for someone to say that to me. that i'm ok just being the ME now. that i'm all good and i dont have to change anything about myself.

sigh.