so near yet so far. distance between the hearts is immeasurable. feeling cold. feeling alone. i always feel alone. i'm suffering from chronic depression. even i myself can't comprehend what the heck is going on in my head.

(since i think the people whom i'm going to mention next will never stumble upon this website, i deem it safe to speak freely)

(but having 2nd thoughts, i still think it's safer if i dont reveal their names)

1. my old time friend who just returned from abroad. we were very very close n i thought our friendship was special. however he doesnt even make the effort to meet up w me. that pisses me off.

2. someone who used to be my really close friend now treats me as though i'm a stranger. 2 of them actually. that..upsets me..

3. my close friends are spending more time w other friends. that..makes me jealous.

i'm irritated.

hangover

i should stop clubbing la.. lousy freak.. argh.. i want to slap myself.. bad headache now.. world spinning.. injuries everywhere..

x'mas lights

it feels good to know that time is in your hands. there is no pangs of guilt threatening me if i don't study. i can listen to radio and mp3s without worrying about them distracting me from my work. i can do anything i wannt... but anything i want..is nothing..haha..nothing.. okok it's a beautiful sunny saturday afternoon. i'm in hall. a bit loseristic huh, to be doing nothing on a saturday afternoon. but i take comfort in knowing that this is what i chose, and not a matter of circumstances. frankly, i have no desire to do anything. watch movies? shopping? clubbing? lazy.. boring.. broke.. sometimes i think i go out so i won't seem so loseristic and unhappening. haha. the christmas lights in town are pretty. if only it's snowing..everyone dressed in warm trench coats, cutie little snow caps, roads and topless trees covered in white, cool air caressing your face..walking down hand in hand with your loved one...admiring those lights..

you know, anything can look beautiful, so long as you are with the right person.

moving on..

everyone is moving on.. okay not exactly everyone.. but for those who have, that is a good thing. but..can't things ever go back to the way it once was? it wasn't my fault was it..i dont know whether i would have done things differently if i knew it was all going to boil down to this situation.. how could i have done anything differently? we are friends arent we.. but friends dont talk to each other in monosyllabus? you yi zhong dan dan de you chou..shui liao jie..hao xiang shi qu le xie she me de..que you wu fa jie shi shi qu le she me...

Fly fly fly to greener pastures...

It's pretty late now and almost everyone i know is going to bed...fabian and jason are still up watching some movie with loads of black guys dancing. Supposed to join them but i'm really kind of tired too... Phew finally finished my last paper today. southeast asia. certainly did freak me out a little at first. i have never written an essay in that context before. all i have written before are gp or biology essays..but lucky to say it wasn't as bad as i thought..

finally the exams are over..actually it's a pretty short lived period..just 6 days to be precise. what is this as compared to what and how we studied for A levels? most of the guys seemed to find uni much tougher as compared to jc, whereas i find it vice versa. *shrug* perhaps rj was just too competitive..

watched the incredibles. it's a really good production. a must-watch. go catch it if you haven't ya.

things i'm gonna to do:
1. go ktv
2. go clubbing
3. go sentosa
4. read my raymond e feist books
5. do IHG write ups
6. clean up my room

hmm that's it for now..time to think about stuff again..what am i going to do tmr..

drained

damn tired..mentally..i think it's affecting me physically or maybe it's just the squash we played yesterday..been in the library from 10am to 7pm today.. actually it doesnt seem very long if you put it that way..just 9 hours..subtracting one more hour dedicated to lunch break..that is only 8 hours. okies it's the quality that matters, not the quantity.. i did managed to do quite a fair bit. my vision is blur now..weird, maybe eyes too dry. sheesh feel like sleeping, but it's only 8 plus. i wonder how people sleep at this time of the day.. what time would they wake up?? weird..oh no i better go check on my laundry..sheesh it rained just now. arg.. haha i'm just typing rubbish..tired..

I've loved you forever,
In lifetimes before
And I promise you never...
Will you hurt anymore
I give you my word
I give you my heart
This is a battle we've won
And with this vow,
Forever has now begun...
--> what crap... "this i promise you" by n'sync

more photos

stupid yueping n jit!! totally ruined my beautiful hairr..






my family!! haha i'm having fun posting photos..bear with me lar ah..it's like that when i try new things..

I feel bad about being at home so little, leaving my sister alone at home.. Yup I know she isn't young anymore, she can find activities on her own..but i feel that i should be around..you know..just be around..? be there whenever she needs me..and my mum too who just came back from china..i know she would really want me to stay at home.. Haiz came back to hall this morning. All my books are here, and my friends are around too. It beats staying at home. Hopefully this week will be more productive, it has to be!! considering my fast paper is on sat. got to really be more serious and stop hanging around with those..bad influence!! hahah..people who say they are going to study but end up crapping...hmm...

First photo

D2 girls! My hall mates.. Not hard to guess why we are D2 girls right..D block 2nd floor..okok duh...the purple t shirt is our block shirt..photo taken during our block supper.

Negative relationship

it's a negative relationship. the less I study the happier I am. hahaha. barely studied the past 2 days. supposed to be studying but that place is hardly conducive for one to concentrate. too much disturbance. as wenjian said, day and night are merged. there is no longer a divide. like 12 hours in the day for activities, 12 hours at night to sleep. one cannot differentiate between day and night anymore. people dont sleep. they take naps. usually in the day. breakfast becomes supper. lunch is breakfast. heard the A guys were drinking till 5am, then continued studying after that. n oh they played table tennis too. what's with us manz...fun lar, but damn unhealthy.

okies back to work. got to sacrifice a bit of the joyfulness for my grades. gonna fail my south east asia module if i dun work harder, considering i failed my research paper. haha..but all along my attitude has been very heck care...that hasn't changed..

right now: reading about the benefits of WTO. haha..actually of all my modules, i like south east asia the best. interesting. only wish i have more time..then can research more and read..oh well..that's human..always wishing we have more time..

我的爱 明明还在
转身了才明白该把幸福 找回来
而不是各自缅怀
我会在 沿海地带
等着潮汐更改 送你回来
你走路姿态 微笑的神态 见你是曾错过的 真爱

bio clock

yawns. cant believe i slept at 8.3o this morning. went C2 to study with felix. oh well we were supposed to study econs together. ended up chatting with jit and yp for the whole night, sharing juicy gossip about what is happening in hall. haha interesting manz.. i feel so much more enriched and well informed now. talked from 3 to around 6 plus...then we went for breakfast. the number of people who didn't sleep was astonishing. i think there were more pple at breakfast than at dinner usually.. wow..don't pple sleep anymore??

time to start my time.. my bio clock is kind of screwed up liao too..sigh i was looking ahead to a productive day.. dun think it's going to work out..

long day..

I didn't really do much today..much as in..the variety of things that i did.. studied till 4 plus last night. surprisingly i was still quite awake at that hour of the night.. woke up late this morning. started studying straight away. somehow i felt this sense of urgency in me in the morning. furiously studied till evening. went for dinner outside. left my key on the bus. found it later cos the bus loops. i am lucky. watched singapore idol. watched the champions. tried studying but couldn't really concentrate after that. mind kept drifting. went for supper. n here i am. boring ya.

struggling to stop my mind from drifting these days. should employ a bit more determination. resolve. my mood cheered up a bit. i should stop listening to sad songs. things arent really that much of a great deal. should stop thinking. ok i'm sorry, i tried not to sound sad. too many sad entries.

I know not if the dark or bright
Shall be by lot;
If that wherein my hopes delight
Be best or not.
- Henry Alford, Life's Answer

exams

Actually i like exams sometimes. hmm more like there are certain aspects of exams that i like..like having a goal to work towards..being focused on one goal..n knowing exactly how to achieve it. for now it's just studying. it's an excuse to concentrate, a distraction to put everything else aside and stay focused. been mugging the whole morning..

hall is quiet these days, everyone behind closed doors studying, or congregating somewhere, like in arts, or central forum, or lounge...

wo xiang tong le..

i had a talk with adrian last night..and finally..wo zhong yu xiang tong le..i'm really not stupid till i dont know what is good for myself.. but i needed someone to tell me..like give me some instructions..i needed a conclusion..and he managed to englighten me.

so right now, i'm going to concentrate on my studies. for these 3 weeks to come. in a way i wish the exam period is longer..so i'll more time to distract myself from such affairs..

Sad

What other choice do I have at this stage? You've said your piece. I do understand what you're getting at.. Like I said to some of my friends, if I'm not me, I'll probably congratulate for what you've set your mind to do. But unfortunately I'm me. And being a first party in this situation, no matter how much I try to shrug away the feeling, how much I try to pretend to be indifferent..I just can't...can't stop the tears from flowing.

I'm not thick. I understand that what you said and did is perhaps essential. I'm just sad that some things are now memories. I just pray that one day, things will be back to the way it used to be...

mentally unstable

I'm starting to think maybe I'm mentally unstable. Thanks to you andre!! Say I'm emotionally unbalanced.. Grr.. Just realised exams are coming real soon. Time to get down to studying!! Haiz but I have no xin to study.. I just can't focus.. Nowadays I rely a lot on last minute cramming. I'm taking things too easy.

Hall activities are slowly coming to an end.. Still a few here and there to come, but most are settling down..getting back to books. Catching up. Me? Same old me.

Curse

Yeah there must be some kind of curse on me. Meeting a two timer in J1, bf got bored and decided to end off the relationship with no apparent reason, J3 bf was possessive to the point that we had to break up. Yup history keeps repeating itself, no matter how hard I try to avoid.

Oh hey andre I'm not in a relationship you know? Logic just doesn't go with feelings. Sometimes you feel things that you know you aren't supposed to be feeling, logically. But I'm only human, and I can't fight these feelings. I guess you're right in a way, I do fear loneliness. Even though there are so many people around me, I still feel lonely. You know sometimes you know a lot a lot of people, but there are only that few that you can really talk to?

Btw I'm really not supposed to be this depressed. Shit. Nothing is supposed to beat me. Argh. Test in 2 hours' time. I better concentrate.

A brand new week. It's sunny outside.