Monday, October 17, 2016

too little time

Too many things to do, too little time. 

I really shouldn't be blogging right now. But what's a blog for, if not an outlet to vent my thoughts?

In some kind of a dilemma now. It should have came earlier, but it didn't.

The funds in the bank account is dwindling. The expenses are not lessening. They consist mostly of essentials because I hardly shop these days. 

Should I return to work or not? If I do work, should I resume to full time work? 

How about part time work? Hmm.

Again I quote myself - how can I place a value to time spent with my kids?

I want to care for my little Heidi.


Thursday, August 25, 2016

my secret dream

Ever since young, secondary school perhaps, I have this dream of living abroad. It doesn't have to be permanent, just maybe at least half a year? I just want to experience living in a foreign country. Coming from an elite school, I see many of my peers having the opportunity to do that. Because either they are super smart and got a scholarship, or their families are rich enough to fund their overseas studies, or they could be super smart and super rich too, the perfect combination to go anywhere you want in the world.

Unfortunately for me, though I am from the same so-called elite environment, I'm just so-so. I'm not super smart, and I'm not rich. My grades were decent enough to be admitted into an overseas college, but not good enough to earn a scholarship. My family is middle-class, and my mum even discouraged me from doing an exchange program when I was in NUS.

If there was one thing to regret, it would be that I didn't fight hard enough to chase my dream.

Maybe secretly, I lacked the courage to venture into a whole new arena myself.

Fast forward 10 years, I've a family now, with 2 children. That dream seemed even further now.

One day, one day.

Maybe when the kids are grown up. Big G and I can go somewhere just to live for a while.

At peace

As I was carrying Baby Heidi just now, I suddenly felt blessed.

Nothing new happened. I didn't strike lottery. It's just the same old bright sunny day. Just like any other day.

I feel blessed because I have a cute and feisty 2.5 year old, who is in her terrible twos now and is often very naughty and uncontrollable. But at the same time, she is so adorable and says/does the sweetest/funniest things that melt my heart. 

I feel blessed because Heidi has kind of recovered from her cough, though still a little phlegmy. She is such a joy to take care of now, smiling all the time! She cries, of course, but not excessively (for now at least). She wakes up 2-3 times at night - that I can cope with, since she drinks and then go right back to sleep. She has pretty eyes, one look you can tell these eyes do not come from the Tay genes, but from the Batchelor genes. Those eyes melt my heart now. 

That's it really.

Money in the bank account is still dwindling, since I've no income now.

Kidselle's future is still in a state of grey.

Big G's business is not fantastic, but ok, we still can get by for now. 

Yes, but all is still great. 

Sunday, August 21, 2016

of doubts and motherhood

Can I just concentrate on being a good mom, and not think about other things? This question has been in my head the past few days. 

Heidi is only 7 weeks old, yet in the past 7 weeks, I can hardly say I've been taking care of her wholeheartedly. There have been so many distractions and things to think/worry about.

For one, I never stopped working on Kidselle. I'm on it any free time I have. I'm constantly thinking of ways that can help to boast business. It has been quite kind of demoralising so far. From my promotional efforts, I've seen some sales but they are still pathetic. I'm besieged with doubts. I've no idea if my idea is workable, or if I'm just being idealistic. I don't mind working hard, but what if even work hard gets me nowhere? It's not so much of the hard work that scares me, but the grayness of it all. What if it never works out and this whole thing is just a big waste of my time and resources?

Doubts - it has to be the number 1 dream killer.

I have to constantly remind myself - Joseph Schooling took 7 years to win the Gold medal; Airbnb was earning $200/week at a time; Jack Ma was rejected from Harvard Business School; JK Rowling's words: Rock bottom become the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.

For the past few days, I've stepping down on my efforts. Attempting to regroup. Attempting to find some glimpse of inspiration. Recharging so that I can continue to fight.

The moment when you truly fail is when even you yourself, your only supporter, fail to believe in yourself.


Onto motherhood and being a mother of 2. No one told me, that the hardest was not the taking care of the newborn. The hardest was having to manage my no. 1 and her feelings on having attention diverted from herself. She rejected me, initially. She threw massive tantrums. She hurt me and left me in tears. We were best buddies. We did so many things together. It was difficult, although my rationale told me it was only a phase. A defence mechanism to deal with the entrant of her sister.

I kept trying. And I'm glad things are starting to return to normalcy. 

We are extremely active parents. We used to bring Gisele out practically every weekend, or wherever we have pockets of time, even during the weekdays. We've tried to keep up to that but with a 7 weeks in tow, it's really difficult. The small one will be attached to me ALL the time. I will need to nurse her, change her, deal with her on the go. Not to mention my diaper bag is HEAVY.

Hence, for now, I think it'll do to slow things down a little. Try to entertain the bigger one at home. Things WILL get easier with Heidi is older, right?

Heidi is down with an awful bout of cough and flu too. Poor baby. Can't wait for her to get well! Am totally inexperienced to deal with sickness this early in life because Gigi never fell sick! Her first real sickness (fever) was at 11 months old. Makes me wonder what I did wrongly this time round... Is Heidi's immunity system weaker because of something I did/ate?

Nonetheless, I'm very proud to be the mother of 2 pretty princesses. Not a day goes by when I gazed at their angelic faces and count my blessings. 

Gisele and Heidi, the loves of my life. 

 30 july 2016 - one month old

 31 july 2016

 7 aug 2016, watching peppa pig at resorts world

loving the popcorn 

9 aug 2016

Wednesday, July 06, 2016

Baby Heidi

Baby Heidi has arrived safe and sound on 30 June 2016, 1.04pm. I was 40 weeks + 4 overdue and was scheduled for an induction on that day. Did two long walks with Mr B the 2 days prior but to no avail; I had zero contractions or discomfort that would indicate that labour was near.

Had the epidural jab before the induction started. Was slightly fearful of the injection because the last time I took it, I was in so much labour pain that any other sort of pain will be deemed as insignificant. This time round, I was feeling very much like myself when the injection was to be administrated. Thankfully, it wasn't painful. Really. I think the anaesthetist was pretty good. Or do I just have a higher threshold of pain? Never thought of myself as one who had though.

Nurse Evelyn called it the Happidural, and indeed it was. Painless throughout the entire labour and contraction process, and I was dilating fast. Induction started at 830am and by 12.30pm, I was already 9cm dilated. I was texting and surfing the net, and then all of a sudden, it was time to push. The baby was coming!

A few rounds of pushes, and the hubby returned. So glad he didn't miss it. Dr Yang came. With Heidi, I could actually SOMETHING coming out of me from down there. It wasn't painful, but it felt like passing a big piece of ****. Which was better actually, I could push easier. Could have done it naturally, but Dr Yang said baby's heart rate dropped suddenly and we need to get her out ASAP. At one push, and vaccumed, Baby Heidi was out.

50cm, same as her sis.
3.05kg, lighter than her sis's 3.4kg. Slight guilt there, I obviously didn't feed myself as well this time.

Today is Day 6.

Baby Heidi's jaundice has gone down significantly during the review yesterday. No need for phototherapy. I attribute this to the fact my milk came in much faster this time round. She cries lesser. She is more contented. I am in lesser pain than when I had Gigi. I feel good. I feel more emotionally balanced. That all helped I guess.

Almost everyone says that Heidi is a carbon copy of her Daddy. She looks like (to be confirmed when she is older) she has double eyelids and dimples. Dimples! My goodness. Both myself and Glenn dont have. Michele has though. Her nose is bigger (like Glenn's).

Gigi has single eyelids, like Mummy. Gigi has small nose and small mouth, like Mummy. Delicate features.

Will the two sisters look very different? We shall see.

The newborn stage is so short-lived, fleeting and magical. As I hold her in my arms, I tell myself to remember this moment forever. When she is so tiny. So small. When she looks at me with those bright eyes, unable to communicate, but they hold so much hope and possibilities for the future. This is a stage all parents will miss, always, because it's so lacking in permanence.

Heidi at seconds old, fresh out of the oven

Minutes old Heidi

1 Day old

Day 3 - Big yawn  

 Day 4 - Pretty in pink, ready for her first hospital review

Day 4 - A rare smile

Day 5 - 2nd review hospital, thankfully jaundice is going down

 Day 6 - She has long fingers

Day 6

Monday, May 23, 2016

Counting Down

Counting down here means many things.

Am counting down to the day baby Heidi makes her debute into this world. Finally managed to get all the essentials for her - cot, stroller, car seat, pump accessories, and basically the rest of the items are from her sister's days.

I try to be fair, even now that she isn't born yet. I try to treat myself as well as I did when I was pregnant with Gisele. But there are some things in life that just aren't meant to be replicated. Things are different. Things will always be different. It's hard to concentrate on the little one in the belly when there're so much distractions in the outside world at the moment - mainly the elder toddler and my newest business obsession.

That's not to say I will love her any lesser. I'm sure it will pick up once I see her.

I'm kind of excited to relive the newborn days. When the baby is so tiny you cannot believe someone so tiny can exist. It's a little miracle.

I'll miss us.


Looking to launch Kidselle in a week's time but I'm really not sure if that can be accomplished. Work began in Sept 2015 and today marks 9th month! Horrors! Is that normal??

I've attained a comfortable number of sellers, mainly photographers for launch now. Had my fair share of small victories and rejections. I must say rejections can really leave a bad taste in the mouth. It gets me momentarily 'sian' and down, but as with all the success stories and motivation quotes rampant on the internet, I remind myself that failures are necessary, inevitable and well, are supposed to make you stronger? At this current stage, after cold fb msging/whatsapping/emailing dozens of potentially sellers and getting either a No or no response, I must say I'm a little numb to it. A no is a prick, but hey, let's move on. The forest is huge enough. There're enough trees.

However for every 9 rejections that I faced, there's always this one that exceptionally warms my heart. That someone who believes despite no proven record or statistics. That someone, who like everyone else, knows virtually nothing about me, yet believes in my vision. That someone who is a glow of light in the darkest of tunnels. And I'm so grateful that I have these 'someones' who constantly gives me hope and the energy to continue.

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

New year, new beginnings

New year, new beginnings - or so a customer said to me when I told her I was leaving the gym. Yes indeed, nothing to fret too much about. Life will bring on new opportunities.

So we have made the big decision to desert our grand business plan prematurely. I can't say if that's the right decision, but that is definitely the best decision at the moment. 

I simply cannot work with someone who is : 
- a control freak
- an obsessive OCD
- uncommunicative
- cynical and think the world is out to cheat him/her 
- puts profits before people 
- resort to despicable means to get his/her ways
- rude
- no EQ
- hypocritical
- pessimistic and negative
- always stressed 

Yes, the list is not exhaustive and I could go on.

Yes, apart from the financial sense of it, I am sure I have made a wise choice.

I have seen it coming. Even from the early days. When visions are so different. 

I live by the motto that if you take care of your employees, your employees will take care of your business. 

Maybe I'm naive. Maybe that's why I'm not cut out to be a business owner. I can be a good boss, but maybe i can't make money for my business with my welfare mentality?

Must all business owners be...unscrupulous? 

I don't know. 

Anyway I'm kind of in a limbo at the moment. I have been exploring options but the odds are not in my favour with Baby Heidi coming along in June this year. 

Moping around is not my cup of tea and it makes me feel inadequate. 

I try to console myself that there are many SAHMs out there who devote their lives to their children. I have utmost respect for them and I agree that parenting a child is the ABSOLUTE MOST CHALLENGING job in the entire universe. Those who think otherwise - you are just ignorant. 

But. It's just not for everyone. 

And sometimes being away from her will make me a better mother when I'm with her. I'm starting to understand this. It doesn't mean that I'm a better mother if I spend 24/7 with her. Being good 12/7 is better than being crappy 24/7. 

So, what to do leh?

Can't find anything meaningful to do leh...

Maybe I will just be a chill mum for the next 5 months and meanwhile concentrate on my marketplace website first...



Thursday, December 03, 2015

what's next?

If I quit the gym, what will I do next? What can I do next?

Go back to a 9am - 5pm office job? After enjoying flexi hours for the past 1.5 years, I do not think I can revert to such a routined and structured lifestyle. I want to wake up each morning and be able to toss around the bed with my little one. I want to be able to knock off at 4pm and come home early to spend the last hours of light with her. I want to be able to read her bedtime stories and tuck her in to bed every night. 

I want control of my time. Gone are the days whereby I'm contented to let a third party to dictate my hours.

A flexi part time jobs? Been randomly browsing for such jobs but they are all hourly paid or menial jobs that don't seem too brain stimulating. 

At the end of the day, I still come back to my one and only ideal option: to start my own thing.

What will I do? What can I do..?

The future holds countless opportunities. I must have hope. I must have courage. I must have faith. 

In need of some inspiration...