I flip through those frozen pictures of memories
Image after image, evidence of our happiness
Evidence that once upon a time, when there were no doubts to speak of
No questions about the future reverberating in my head
I find the familiar ache coming back
The moist feeling springing inside my eyes
But I've got to get a grip
And believe that this will all pass through

Am I going to give up without a fight?
Is he giving up without a fight?
What to make of those years that have passed?
What to make of those smiles in the photos?

Isnt this what you wanted?

and there's a dull aching in my heart

that just wont go away

every time i look back

at the passage of memories

i just want to weep and weep and weep

First Post for 2012 - Way overdue!

First post for 2012! With a blink of an eye, 4 months have passed me by. Spring is almost gone and summer beckons. A quarter of a year is DONE DEAL.

I wanted to write more religiously since India, but dont seem to be keeping to my word. It's tough to keep track of life. It's tough to remember that you have to REMIND yourself that every day is precious and to make the best out of it. You just kind of do what you always do and let slip...

Something I read from an email sent by this guy from one of the Project Angel groups

Letting go is painful, but not letting go is more painful.

Controlling your anger hurts you, but not controlling your anger hurts others.

Forgiving is forgetting, and forgetting is forgiving.

walking back 2011...

Counting down to 2012, 3 more days to go.

Looking back 2011, what have I done?

1. I made my first trip to Japan, Hokkaido. Though it was a company trip where I had the chore of entertaining business partners, I was surprised to find that I enjoyed Japan very much. All white and snow and clean and pretty, I finally why some people call Japan their favourite country. Skied and nearly rolled down the hill - have slight phobia of skiing ever again.

2. Had to cancel my personal trip to Japan that I spent months planning, because of the earthquake. Sad.

3. Planned my Eastern Europe trip in a month and went there 16-30 May. Visited, in sequence - Berlin - Warsaw - Krakow - Prague - Vienna - Budapest - Salzburg - Munich. It was a bit of a whirlwind holiday but still extremely enlightening and enjoyable. Favs: Krakow and Salzburg.

4. Picked up golf and gave it up.

5. Went downhill at my job and went to work feeling gloomy for a period of time.

6. Got offered a job and turned it down. That's when I realised money is all THAT important to me.

7. Went India. Loved it again.

8. Went Cambodia and visited the school we built back in 2006. Touched that it's still strong and standing after all these while. The affinity for this place is still as strong as ever.

9. Got really drunk 3 times this year, or at least from what I still can remember.

10. Took my grade 2 piano exam and was so nervous I thought I screwed it up. But I passed, yay!

11. Started having a thing for classical music since I picked up piano.

12. My bestie is a mother and has a cutie son.

13. Encountered a change of job scope to cover South Asia. Excited yet doubtful, whether it's sufficient to sustain my enthusiasm.

14. Made my first trip (business) to Sri Lanka.

15. Started drinking more wine, eating more good food, and reading a lot more books. Currently reading 1Q84.

One Day

Once again, I find myself in a downward spiral.

I can't think. I refuse to think. I've functioning on autopilot mode.

It seems like despite getting what I wanted, or rather having all options available and having the free will to choose whatever I want, I'm still not happy.

I'm on the book One Day. This is a novel on missed opportunities. I don't want to look back and realised I've missed something.

"You can live your whole life not realising that what you're looking for is right in front of you."

Honestly, I just feel like sitting on a sofa, next to a floor-to-ceiling glass pane. Outside, there's greenery and water and small animals and sunshine is pouring in. Tucked with a book and a cuppa of coffee.

That's life isnt it.

one by one

When things are lining up in queue waiting for you to handle, the only way is to take things one at a time, isnt it? It means prioritising and skipping non-urgent, not important stuff as a whole.

I hate to admit it, and I refuse to admit it but I'm starting to feel the heat. I'm the sort that feels uncomfortable if I know any pebbles are left unturned.

Therefore I need to constantly remind myself to keep things slow and steady, one by one. Haste creates more waste.

I need that, to retain my sanity. And my pride does not allow room for failure.

my dear friend

I meant to say. I did something wrong many years ago. Something that was seemingly innocuous to me but inconsiderate, hence I ended up hurting a close friend of mine a lot and eventually losing her at the beginning of this year.

I admit, I havent tried very hard to win her back, and I'm not sure if i understand why myself. Why havent I tried harder? Why?

It isnt that she isnt important to me. I swear I've always thought of her as one of my bridemaids on my wedding day. She is 'by default'.

We go back a long way.

I remember the time we learnt dancing together. I wasnt interested, i was just curious, and I joined because of her.

I remember the afternoons we spent swimming ands tanning.

More recently, I remember getting drunk and waking up at her place.

These memories count a lot, dont they?

One day one day, please forgive me. I know we'll be good friends again.

I miss the hysterical, emotional, paranoid, uncontented you.

come away with me

"But you can touch everything and be connected to nothing."

I was watching a hk drama at the usual 8pm time slot. The man learns of the devestating in indo and wants to leave everything behind in hk, be a volunteer and help to rebuild the houses. At the same time, he wants to take photos of the reality of life and see the world.

The girl, upon learning his intention, was dismayed. She wants a stable career, a family, and a simple life.

She said she doesnt need to see the world.

He said, come with me and lead a free life. I promise I'll make you happy.

She said, how can you just leave everything behind? Why are you so impractical?

He said, lots of people do that. Why can't you for a moment see from my point of view?

She said, so why can't you see from MY point of view?

Two people who clearly loves each other, but with totally different objectives in life. Who will give in to who? Love indeed does require people to make sacrifices...