i'm going on a sabbatical, for the month of dec.
i'm tired of fighting wars.
looking back on the year of 2007, it has certainly been a year of ups and downs. how many buckets of tears have i shed this year? from the modelling months in the first quarter, the stressful month of april in MSU and finally graduating from NUS; embarking on my europe tour in june, back in july, surviving a break up, and then off to america again in august. started my first new job in sept, struggling with clashes, new values and insights, and finally pushed off the cliff in nov and coming to a rest now in dec.
i'm tired really.
sad as i am, at the same time i cant help but feel that a burden is taken off my shoulders. i'm finally back to who i really am, the girl that longs for freedom and space, for peace and carelessness.
grant 2008 to be a much more peaceful year for me.
Friday, November 30, 2007
Thursday, November 29, 2007
happily ever afters
everyone loves a fairy tale!
just finished watching enchanted. manz, it's the sweeeettteeest show i've ever watched in a long long time. it's the sort of show that would make everyone feel good after that.
the saddest thing about reality is that no one believes in 'happily ever afters' anymore...walt disney should stop producing these shows to bluff people!! haha but then again if he doesnt do it, there would really be nooo hope in this world.
wishing and dreaming...
hk was really cold when i left...
just finished watching enchanted. manz, it's the sweeeettteeest show i've ever watched in a long long time. it's the sort of show that would make everyone feel good after that.
the saddest thing about reality is that no one believes in 'happily ever afters' anymore...walt disney should stop producing these shows to bluff people!! haha but then again if he doesnt do it, there would really be nooo hope in this world.
wishing and dreaming...Friday, November 23, 2007
Thursday, November 22, 2007
too much pride
as i was telling ck, the prob with me is that i have got too much pride to swallow.
i would make a terrible slave. i would probably attempt to escape after one week and end up getting my arms cut off when they find me.
well well, drown or survive, at least i know i've been warned.
i would make a terrible slave. i would probably attempt to escape after one week and end up getting my arms cut off when they find me.
well well, drown or survive, at least i know i've been warned.
Monday, November 19, 2007
water and oil
water is water, oil is oil.
water and oil can never mix.
so why should water accommodate oil, and try to blend in?
it is possible, for two different entities, to co-exist amicably, without attempting to change any aspect of oneself isnt it?
that being said, i know all i'm trying to do is to find an excuse to justify my stubbornness.
i just want to make myself feel that i AM not wrong.
that my reluctance to join the herd is a firm stand of my individualism, and not merely an obstinate, unreasonable choice...
because after all, humans are not objects. we are not facts. water IS water, oil IS oil. but YM is not just YM. YM can be kind, but can be evil. YM can be nice, but yet selfish.
like water that meanders around obstacles of rock, that flows through the mountains and the valleys, human beings adapt to our surroundings. every single one of us is capable of that, and the only reason why we dont, is because we made the choice NOT to.
i know it only takes this little bit of effort, but i'm just too lazy to move.
i'm such a contradictory person.
water and oil can never mix.
so why should water accommodate oil, and try to blend in?
it is possible, for two different entities, to co-exist amicably, without attempting to change any aspect of oneself isnt it?
that being said, i know all i'm trying to do is to find an excuse to justify my stubbornness.
i just want to make myself feel that i AM not wrong.
that my reluctance to join the herd is a firm stand of my individualism, and not merely an obstinate, unreasonable choice...
because after all, humans are not objects. we are not facts. water IS water, oil IS oil. but YM is not just YM. YM can be kind, but can be evil. YM can be nice, but yet selfish.
like water that meanders around obstacles of rock, that flows through the mountains and the valleys, human beings adapt to our surroundings. every single one of us is capable of that, and the only reason why we dont, is because we made the choice NOT to.
i know it only takes this little bit of effort, but i'm just too lazy to move.
i'm such a contradictory person.
Saturday, November 17, 2007
the first baby step
it's like watching a baby take its first step. you get a ludicrous feeling of euphoria and self satisfaction; yet at the same time, a deep sense of apprehension, because you know that whoever this baby grows up to be, she is solely your responsibility.
i'm at the start of the marathon. pray give me the stamina to complete my race.
i'm at the start of the marathon. pray give me the stamina to complete my race.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
old men lunch
had my weekly dose of 'old men lunch' today, and somehow or another, with this bunch of people, the subject of infidelity never fail to be brought up. today was an advanced course into the psychics of these 'old men'. why do i say it's advanced? because i would probably have passed my elementary exams with flying colours, in the 2 months since i started working. today's lecture wasnt entirely new; it just managed to provide deeper insights.
dont say that they are 'hum sup', so which man isnt? only that some hide it behind a mask, others wear it more plainly in their speech and actions, but essentially: all men are the same. and that's fine, because it's the way we're made.
these men do not regard their actions as infidelity, but rather as acquiring a service to fulfill their basic needs. is sex without love tolerable? are love and sex two different entities to men, one being an emotion and the other being a course of action? so it's true that it's really possible to separate these two..? some say yes, some say no...whatever being said, i do believe in what you dont know wont hurt. some things are better left unknown.
and i wonder who i can ever trust to marry and spend the rest of my life with after knowing all these. i came to 3 conclusions:
1. i can marry a very very good man (there are still good men in this world right??)
2. i can marry a very very smart man, cos he will know how not to let me know he is playing outside.
3. or i could be the sort of wife who knows, yet tolerate.
somehow, i feel...the wives always know.....
yawns, bed time.
dont say that they are 'hum sup', so which man isnt? only that some hide it behind a mask, others wear it more plainly in their speech and actions, but essentially: all men are the same. and that's fine, because it's the way we're made.
these men do not regard their actions as infidelity, but rather as acquiring a service to fulfill their basic needs. is sex without love tolerable? are love and sex two different entities to men, one being an emotion and the other being a course of action? so it's true that it's really possible to separate these two..? some say yes, some say no...whatever being said, i do believe in what you dont know wont hurt. some things are better left unknown.
and i wonder who i can ever trust to marry and spend the rest of my life with after knowing all these. i came to 3 conclusions:
1. i can marry a very very good man (there are still good men in this world right??)
2. i can marry a very very smart man, cos he will know how not to let me know he is playing outside.
3. or i could be the sort of wife who knows, yet tolerate.
somehow, i feel...the wives always know.....
yawns, bed time.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Que Sera Sera
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty, will I be rich
Here's what she said to me.
Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.
When I was young, I fell in love
I asked my sweetheart what lies ahead
Will we have rainbows, day after day
Here's what my sweetheart said.
Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.
Now I have children of my own
They ask their mother, what will I be
Will I be handsome, will I be rich
I tell them tenderly.
Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.
happy times in hk
of happier times in hk/macau!
was lucky to have plenty of free time during my trip in hong kong, and had the company of two tour guides to bring me around. i arrived on wed morning, and was just in time to catch the happening lan kwai fung at night for halloween!
lkf was packed to the brim with people everywhere dressed up in gory costumes. we went there after our meeting so we were hardly dressed up for the occasion, nonetheless we made an effort to blend in by buying little devil bands to wear! the two guys look absolutely adorable in them haha.
had pretty much nothing on on thursday so mr alan was my official tour guide for the day and brought me to explore every corner of hk! we were at nu ren jie at mongkok. we pretty much just walked around and i didnt really buy anything. weather was fantastic.
chilling out at macs. alan with his silly grin and me pretending to worrk really hard on my blackberry.
i think we were at causeway bay this time. caught a crazy movie called jin shang jiao (triangle) which i thought should be pretty alright cos gu tian le was starring in it. but it turned out to be kind of psychotic.
went on to stanley at night where we found out there was a huge huge party going on involving some taiwanese star called ah ben (who the hell is ah ben???). anyway to our disappointment, we couldnt enter even though the party looked happening, because we didnt have passes. oh well, we settled for a quiet drink at a pub overlooking the sea, and ended off the night with dessert near my hotel.
on friday, we went to macau with 2 of alan's good friends from singapore too. visited the very much talked about VENETIAN casino/hotel. it really is huge, and almost identical to the venetian i've already visited in vegas, so it did nothing much to impress me further. i heard that macau has already surpassed vegas in terms of their earnings, but honestly in terms of the clubbing scenes and performances and architecture, it's nooooowhere near vegas. unlike vegas where all the casinos are concentrated all along a single road, hence known as the strip, all the casinos in macau are scattered. it's pretty at night. it's happening during weekends, where people from all over the world flock to the city to drink and club. whereas macau is fully functional; there is, gambling is in full force manz. people really go there just to gamble.
for non-gambler like myself, it can be kind of boring. was glad that both alan and terence (alan's friend) won some money for themselves that afternoon. also all my photos from macau has him in it only cos i took photos for him on my cam and he took mine for me on his. soo mr yeung, if you're reading this... i WANT my pICs!! :p
might be making another trip to hk/shenzhen/macau again at the end of nov. company retreat, my boss says, but i'm thinking of giving it a miss..
was lucky to have plenty of free time during my trip in hong kong, and had the company of two tour guides to bring me around. i arrived on wed morning, and was just in time to catch the happening lan kwai fung at night for halloween!
lkf was packed to the brim with people everywhere dressed up in gory costumes. we went there after our meeting so we were hardly dressed up for the occasion, nonetheless we made an effort to blend in by buying little devil bands to wear! the two guys look absolutely adorable in them haha.
had pretty much nothing on on thursday so mr alan was my official tour guide for the day and brought me to explore every corner of hk! we were at nu ren jie at mongkok. we pretty much just walked around and i didnt really buy anything. weather was fantastic.
chilling out at macs. alan with his silly grin and me pretending to worrk really hard on my blackberry.
i think we were at causeway bay this time. caught a crazy movie called jin shang jiao (triangle) which i thought should be pretty alright cos gu tian le was starring in it. but it turned out to be kind of psychotic.
went on to stanley at night where we found out there was a huge huge party going on involving some taiwanese star called ah ben (who the hell is ah ben???). anyway to our disappointment, we couldnt enter even though the party looked happening, because we didnt have passes. oh well, we settled for a quiet drink at a pub overlooking the sea, and ended off the night with dessert near my hotel.
on friday, we went to macau with 2 of alan's good friends from singapore too. visited the very much talked about VENETIAN casino/hotel. it really is huge, and almost identical to the venetian i've already visited in vegas, so it did nothing much to impress me further. i heard that macau has already surpassed vegas in terms of their earnings, but honestly in terms of the clubbing scenes and performances and architecture, it's nooooowhere near vegas. unlike vegas where all the casinos are concentrated all along a single road, hence known as the strip, all the casinos in macau are scattered. it's pretty at night. it's happening during weekends, where people from all over the world flock to the city to drink and club. whereas macau is fully functional; there is, gambling is in full force manz. people really go there just to gamble.for non-gambler like myself, it can be kind of boring. was glad that both alan and terence (alan's friend) won some money for themselves that afternoon. also all my photos from macau has him in it only cos i took photos for him on my cam and he took mine for me on his. soo mr yeung, if you're reading this... i WANT my pICs!! :p
might be making another trip to hk/shenzhen/macau again at the end of nov. company retreat, my boss says, but i'm thinking of giving it a miss..
Saturday, November 10, 2007
when happiness is a tragedy
am finally home. was a little afraid that the peace and quiet of this 4 walled room would close in and engulf me, but i guess i would grow to get accustomed to it. i believe it's what i really need now.
ever wonder whether a happy affair is still a happy affair when it occurs at precisely the wrong time? and it's precisely the wrong timing that caused the so called happy affair to be unable to be carried out. like getting a fantastic scholarship to study abroad, but knowing you cant take it because your mum is terribly ill. like scoring perfect scores for A levels but knowing you cant go on to university anyway cos your family is unable to support you through.
so doesnt the happy affair ceased to be something happy already, for the inability to follow through is a tragedy in itself that has sucked all happiness out of it.
it becomes pointless. it's perhaps better if it has never existed in the first place. because for that fleeting moment that it has brought about a flicker of hope, it leaves behind an even more palpable trace of regret and disappointment.
pardon me for my pessimistic post, which actually shouldnt come as a surprise; it's afterall consistent with my series of posts for the past month that has continued to exude melancholy.
recent spate of events have smacked some sense of reality into my face, and forced me to grow up more more than i wish i would. physically, i have recovered from my illness. my body is starting to feel like my body again. but emotionally, i'm drained.
as fragile as an egg, he said, that will crack on the first touch.
some peace and quiet would be good.
ever wonder whether a happy affair is still a happy affair when it occurs at precisely the wrong time? and it's precisely the wrong timing that caused the so called happy affair to be unable to be carried out. like getting a fantastic scholarship to study abroad, but knowing you cant take it because your mum is terribly ill. like scoring perfect scores for A levels but knowing you cant go on to university anyway cos your family is unable to support you through.
so doesnt the happy affair ceased to be something happy already, for the inability to follow through is a tragedy in itself that has sucked all happiness out of it.
it becomes pointless. it's perhaps better if it has never existed in the first place. because for that fleeting moment that it has brought about a flicker of hope, it leaves behind an even more palpable trace of regret and disappointment.
pardon me for my pessimistic post, which actually shouldnt come as a surprise; it's afterall consistent with my series of posts for the past month that has continued to exude melancholy.
recent spate of events have smacked some sense of reality into my face, and forced me to grow up more more than i wish i would. physically, i have recovered from my illness. my body is starting to feel like my body again. but emotionally, i'm drained.
as fragile as an egg, he said, that will crack on the first touch.
some peace and quiet would be good.
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
Monday, November 05, 2007
old woman
am back from a long trip in hk. was a biz cum holiday trip, plenty of fun, except for the fact i wasnt feeling well the entire time over there. was so bad that i decided to see a doc at 1am on my first night there. thank god the medical bill wasnt that expensive.
i honestly dont know why my body is so fragile now. i used to be so fit! falling sick was a rare occasion. but after i started working, i've seen the doc 4 times already. sigh. mum said it's because my lifestyle is screwed up, and i'm getting old......
last night was terrible because i touched down slightly after midnight. i had to drag my tired soul back home in the heavy storm and only got to sleep at 2 plus.
i believe i'm recovering though. i really shouldnt be complaining after having so much fun in hk. the weather there is fantastic. total air con temperature. :)
but..fatigue is getting to me now. i NEED rest.
i honestly dont know why my body is so fragile now. i used to be so fit! falling sick was a rare occasion. but after i started working, i've seen the doc 4 times already. sigh. mum said it's because my lifestyle is screwed up, and i'm getting old......
last night was terrible because i touched down slightly after midnight. i had to drag my tired soul back home in the heavy storm and only got to sleep at 2 plus.
i believe i'm recovering though. i really shouldnt be complaining after having so much fun in hk. the weather there is fantastic. total air con temperature. :)
but..fatigue is getting to me now. i NEED rest.
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