love or be loved

it has been 2 months, and i've stood by my promise that i won't fall into another relationship.. perhaps it's a bit still too short to be commendable.. i never expect myself to adopt such a pessimistic outlook in life. all those cliches..what..only live once, so live it happy...i've heard them before, and i believed in them. i try to uphold them.. but i am failing. failing pathetically. maybe i'll remain single for the rest of my life. ok some people are going to go "yah right". true..not very lilely.. but at least not in the near future.. love or be loved. can you believe that you can get hurt both ways? i'm so sick of it all. i'm so sick of hurting.

I can't believe it hurts again. I've been trying so terribly hard to avoid having to experience this feeling again..but it has happened again.. :( but it's my fault i suppose.. i've been selfish.

why do i feel so depressed?? why do i feel so down? why do i feel so alone.. why do i feel as if i have no friends?? what's wrong.. still in hall.. maybe i should have gone home earlier. if i'm home, i'll probably be asleep at this time.. :(

unreal blessing

sometimes not being able to see a person is a blessing. if you don't see someone, you can't quarrel with him, you won't be able to feel irritated..you start to miss that person, and you start thinking about ta de hao..and then you start to appreciate his presence..

Rain rain rain

Raining again. Heard on radio today is gonna be a rainy day. I've been playing too much. I have a test tmr and here I am trying to get the work going. Got to study study study!! Spent last night watching tv, play squash, supper, hang around, talk and slept. I can't get anything done after 6pm..

Can hardly believe time is passing so fast..It feels like yesterday that we just had our eusoff orientation at sentosa. One more month and the exams are here...Dec is gonna be another busy month, with IHG trainings, marketing stuff, going for this ODAC trip..Kenny is coming back to singapore. Christmas is just around the corner...

Kenny was telling me me, joel and alex are his best friends. He said he treasures our friendships especially because in aussie, there's so much politics that it's impossible to find true good friends. Happy to hear that cos we have really been through a lot together, relieved to know our friendship is still going strong. Sad because everyone is so separated now. Joel in camp most of the time, Alex busy with his poly stuff, and me so involved with uni and hall activities..and of course Kenny all the way in melbourne. I miss the good old times we have had together...oh well never mind, we'll be united soon. :)...

Back to books..before I go for lect and tutorial..and block supper tonight..

a feeling of loss

Feels as if I lost somebody in my life again. I don't really have any good reason to feel that way..but I still do..feelings are not something you can control. For example if your boyfriend is going with this girl whom you know is his extremely long time buddy, you might still feel bu shuang even though maybe the girl is attached and the likelihood that anything would happen is close to zero. Yup, logic has no control over feelings. They are 2 different entities.

I hate this kind of feeling. I feel alone. Maybe beacuse so many people have walked in and out of my life before..abandon me..

Exams are coming. I should study.

saturday

It's really cloudy and grey outside..looks like it's gonna be another rainy day. I love the weather. :) zhi bu guo..tian qi you rang wo xiang qi le ta...xiang ta ci shi ci ke zai zuo she me..xiang ta you mei you xiang wo..xiang ta zui jing hai guo de hao ma...

Only me and my maid at home. Bro and sis just went out. I'll be out soon. Just thought I would drop a note here first. Trying to study, reading south east asia stuff..indochina, wayang, regionalism, colonisalism, nationalism, minority in laos, contemporary art..sigh you know I honestly think they are interesting? But I just can't absorb. Somehow it's the style of how the authors write, it makes me hard to comprehend and have a steady flow and coherent flow of thoughts, that I can commit to memory. Difficult to digest.. I think I would rather go and research on the topics myself through the net. OH no..wonder how I can pass my final yr..

In a comfortable position now, in the living room, light breeze, soft sofa.. Finally I get to use the internet at home in the living room instead of my bro's room. His chair is so hard and uncomfortable. Haha don't know why I'm mentioning such trival matters..whatever...whatever..whatever..

DND bash

DND bash last night was quite okay surprisingly. Cocco latte is damn small, but we all managed to have a good time. Everyone knows everyone. I drank a bit, just a little so was blissfully sober.

Luckily today is slack day, except for squash trials at night, Dp marketing meeting and web reporter meeting at night. Ok maybe not that slack.

research paper due -25/10
lsm 1101 test - 29/10
cm 1121 test - 01/11
south east asia presentation - nov...when ah..

hmmm...

4.21am. I have lessons from 10 to 6pm later today. Goodness why am I still up at this hour... People are awake, most watching soccer..should be ending soon though.. don't know where my energy come from, I don't even feel remotely tired now. *shrug* wo shi shen..haha..

Concidence that I happened to be chatting with 2 of my heads from the other 2 coms. I realised I'm really lucky..because my heads are people who are very very nice and understanding and most importantly, people I can click very well with. Makes my life a whole lot easier too...

brain sleepy

In the middle of a lecture now, I'm so damn sleepy.. I brought my lappie so that there will be less tendency that I would fall asleep..but I still did... I want to eat also. Hah just now went to daming's room..and there does my diet. Ate chocolates, twisties, cheese balls, wa wa biscuit. OK..2 hours more before my lecture ends. How sian. Today is really a boring day. The only nice thing is that the weather is really nice, didn't really stop raining.

Mitosis, gene will go cross here everywhere, mutation, lethal gene, nondistjunction linkage..forgive me, I'm just really bored..

Take me away..far far away..to somewhere I know nobody..

Rainy day

The sky is enshrouded by grey clouds, it's raining cats and dogs, the wind is howling like nobody's business, and I'm a little drenched, running from the terminal to the backgate of hall. Finally back in hall after a weekend of rest. I'm always most awake on Mondays since I sleep at home on Sundays nights. Sleeping at home = sleeping early. Anyway the weather is making me nostalgic, and sad at the same time.

Shall not brood too much. Long day ahead.

yawny sunday

Haiya just talked to my head of marketing committee. I feel very dui bu qi him cos he yi ci you yi ci de bao rong wo, but I took advantage of his kindness, stretched it, exploited it and let him down time and time again. Sigh, I really don't mean to... It's just the way I am. I like doing things the way I like..wo xing wo su and don't give a damn about what others will think. Bad bad bad..ok I gonna make a promise now.. I'm gonna stop doing things that will make him angry. Just for him. Not for the stupid committee or points or whatever..yupyup..

I really gonna start doing some work..

Sickie mingies

This is so DAMN irritating. I get sore throats all the time. My throat hurts real bad. It's not the sort you can detect on the outside, I mean my voice still sounds perfectly alright, it's just that everytime I swallow it feels as if there's this big ball inside rubbing against my throat. Hahah weird analogy ah. Don't know how I manage to come up with it also. Anyway because of this irritating illness, I missed my lab my tutorial and my lecture on wed. I missed carrying stuff and sentry duty on Tues. Yup so busy week become slack andack sick week. Well...I know I'm a big slacker..but..I am not so perverse until I rather be sick than to work.

Went for ocs social function last night as a very good friend of mine's date. Surprisingly I met a lot of people I know, and whom I haven't seen for a really long time. Zouk after that. I was still feeling sick so I didn't drink a drop of alcohol the entire there. Amazing huh. First time in history. Went back early.

Bored

OK i'm officially bored. I did say this week is going to be a busy week, and I still stand by that. Today is my only slack day and I spent the whole night finishing up some work to give me free time during the rest of the week.

Things to do for this week:
Tues - 8pm move bazaar stuff, 1-3am sentry duty
Wed - bazaar bazaar bazaar...till 6, dinner function at night, social committee meeting, (mambo?) hehe..
Thurs - bazaar bazaar bazaarrr
Fri - bazaar bazaar bazaarrrr....

gRRr i hate marketing. It takes up so much of my time.

OK i have research paper due next next monday. Ahhhh... havent even started.

Haiz I'm bored. I have a lot to do, but I don't feel like doing.

Car wash

Supposed to be at East Coast park today at 8.45 am but guess what.. I only woke up at 8.40am when my friend called me. Greats. I screw up once again. Then after that I thought since I'm late I might as well just take my time..so I did..dilly dallied a little and then set out on my long and ardous journey to the east side of the country.

I did marketeering again this time. Oh for those who don't know, I'm in the dance production marketing committee of Eusoff. Marketing com = making money com. So we work, for the hall. It's stupid. I think it's stupid. Why bother doing this sort of thing? OK yes it could be fun, it could be enriching, we learn stuff, but we waste a damn a lot of time! And it's not even for some noble course. It's for..our own pure entertainment. And most of us end up doing these because we need points to stay on in hall. The school and hall are just making use of us. GRR. I hate this.

Alright I deviated from my topic again. Marketeering means I'm the one approaching those car drivers and ask them whether they want to have their cars washed in the name of CHARITY (liar liar pants on fire, it's only indirectly for charity). Most of the others wash cars. I'm not sure which one is more horrible.

Working ended at 6pm. We made damn a lot of money again. That's good I suppose, for the com.

Back home, cos I decided I should stay at home just ot show my presence. Bored. I want to go back to hall.

Shall sleep soon. Next week is going to be even more hectic. I need good sleep.

sleep debt

Still going on strong depsite 3 hours of sleep last night only. Funny I'm not zombified even though I slept so little. Went wine bar/zouk last night and we ended up staying out till 5am. I'm proud to say Tay Yiming finally gathered enough self control and emerged sober in the company of so many drunkards. My friends had a good time I think, they drank quite a fair bit. I rejected drinks this time...limits...

Came back to hall, didn't even bother to bathe, went to bed at 5.30, woke at up by my floor mates at 8.30. Went to play inter-block soccer. Tired, but nonetheless glad I went cos it was prety fun. :)

Slept a bit just now and woke up. Time to go home..mum said sister is sick and she is having exam on monday. Ok I feel really gulity about not spending enough time at home..but a uni student got to do what a uni student got to do.. haha.. I have committments manz...

WHERE is SW! GRrr..I want to go home....

My friend commented that time passes extraordinarily fast today...how true...it's already 11.30 now and I don't seem to have done much today at all. Hmm trying to recall what I did today... Woke up in the morning, ate breakfast, went for south-east asia lecture, fell asleep after 15 mins, woke up 15 mins before lect ends. Fantastic. Went co op with Siwei to buy some stuff for Samuel's magic show, went to watch the law people rehearse for their return concert. Went for an hour prac, went back to law in time to watch the concert. Sam performing magic, he was good as usual, but cos I've seen so many of his tricks before, and I've been impressed so many times that this is just...another time to me... Still he was good. I'm so proud of my friends cos they are so talented. Sam, arvin, louis can play guitar, sam can perform magic, arvin can sing, wenjian is a genius with the piano...

Hmm..

Ok to continue with my boring life. Went back to hall. Went to meet social committee for preparation for formal dinner. We had to do ushering. It was quite fun cos I know practically everyone in the com. Had a not very nice dinner. IHG captain interview next. Ok it went really badly in my opinion because I seriously didn't anticipate any of the questions they asked. Like, use 5 adjectives to describe myself etc. Screwed up. But hey, it's ok. Don't get don't get lor...save me a lot of time also. Haha terence said "expected" when I told him my response. Yeah man that's me, take everything in life with a pinch of salt.

Ok enough said about my boring day. Hungry now..again..

Have I lost you?

I know I did the right thing, unfortunately doing right thing doesn't always make me feel better. I have to be cruel, for your sake. If I'm kind, I am being selfish, putting my own interests above your happiness. I'm suffering too, perhaps not as much as you, but still it hurts to see you walk away, as if I don't exist...invisible... Have I lost you?

poisoned

Went Eusoff bash last night. Despite of all my resolve not to get too high so that I'll actually be able to dance, I failed miserably last night. I didn't drink a lot, really..2 glass of vokha 7 up to begin with only..it was the POISON I drank after that. Toxic. Vokha and whiskey shots. They taste HORRIBLE. My world dissolved after that.

Woke up in the morning with a spinning head, dry throat and the urge to puke..

But all is good now.. A lazy sunday. Met up with a good friend and did a bit of shopping in town.

Vexed

I want to go home... My mum called a while ago. She sounded really upset... She thinks that I don't miss home at all and rather spend all my time in hall and outside..especially since I've been going home extremely late at night for the past few saturdays. I go home when she is asleep, wakes up when she is at work, goes back to hall on sunday nights before she is home. But what she doesn't understand is that I really do wish I could just spend a day at home..doing nothing..slacking..and just talk to her about stuff. She thinks I don't like to come home, and I'm never at home, but the fact is, she is seldom at home too... okok I don't blame her cos she is working so hard outside... I don't know how to explain to her..all my committments in hall... Sigh..

I've been awful these days. Nothing major, just most things here and there that i neglected. Everything is just getting to me...hall stuff, people, studies (although it's the least of my priorities), lack of sleep, pimples on the face..haha.. Vexed! I wish I can get away..from everyone everything..just go to somewhere where no one knows me, where there are no duties, no committments, no pressure no stress no expectations.. Escape. Yes I wish to escape again. My down moments.

responsibilities

Sometimes life just doesn't work out the way you want it to. You want this you want that, but you end up having noting. I hate myself sometiems because I'm so irresponsible. I know something is obviously wrong but yet I still chose to do it. Cos I'm one who has this mentality that if I like something, I'll do it. If I don't want to do something, there is no way you can make it do it. And one thing I hate most if doing things for the sake of doing things. So when I'm torn between responsibility and doing what I sincerely desire, I chose the latter, which is...not right...

Then after that, I have to pay for my actions. Sometimes I tihnk i'm a bit illogical, why do it when I know what I'm getting myself today? That's me, that's life...

I talked to him yesterday. For the 2nd time since he left only. It was..great to see him online..we talked about things that are happening in each other's life. He told me about meeting this professor who offered to drive 45 mins out of his campus to play squash with him. Apparently there are no squash courts in his uni. He talked about working, being busy...come to think of it, it's not much actually... I told him about dnd, pageant, hall, people, and how I'm eating so much and getting fatter haha. It was like 2 friends chatting and catching up...which is..well enough. What more can I expect?

Another long day....