i've been reading this book for a long time. since start of aug before went to india, until now.
there're some sentences in the book which i've meant to write it down, just so cos i can so relate to them.
'travelling is the great true love of my life
that to travel is worth any cost or sacrifice
i am loyal and constant in my love for travel, as i have not always been loyal and constant in my other loves.
i just dont care what it puts me through. because i adore it. because it's mine. because it looks exactly like me.'
'i am burdened with what the Buddhists call the "monkey mind" = the thoughts that swing from limb to limb stopping only to scratch themselves, spit and howl. from the distant past to the unknowable future, my mind swings wildly through time, touching on dozens of ideas a minute, unharnessed and undisciplined.
..you're never where you are. you're always digging in the past or poking at the future, but rarely do you rest in the moment."
'...a particularly heart breaking awareness of time's passage..
i have searched frantically for contentment for so many years in so many ways, and all these acquisitions and accomplishments - they run you down in the end. life, if you keep chasing it so hard, will drive you to death. time - when pursued like a bandit - will behave like one, always remaining one country or one room ahead of you, changing its name and hair colour to elude you, slipping out the back door of the motel just as you're banging through the lobby with your newest search warrant, leaving only a burning cigarette in the ashtray to taunt you.
at some point you have to stop because it won't. you have to admit you cant catch it. you gotta let go and sit still and allow contentment to come to you."
Monday, August 29, 2011
Accepting myself
Written 9 Aug, en route Agra - Jaipur
I spent today trying to figure myself out, despite having been told the opposite - there was no need to do so.
I guessed I didnt really believe it. How can you not know yourself?
The question is subconsciously repeated in my mind: who am I?
Let's talk about simple materialistic wants.
Luxurious 5 star hotels or rough it out? I enjoy Europe where everything is posh and polished, yet I claim Cambodia is my favourite country in the world. Now that I'm in india, i'm embracing the colours and culture here.
Dreamer or realist? I dream an awful lot, but yet when it comes down to facing cold hard truth, I'm the first one to acknowledge.
Introvert or extrovert? Bubbly at times, yet with close friends or strangers alike, there're times when i despise small talk and start withdrawing into my own private space...
An identity crisis. It shouldnt be happening now. It happens to 18 year olds but not to a 26 working adult.
Perhaps i should just come to terms with the fact that I'm neither here nor there. And that itself defines me as a person. i do not have to be black or white. I do not have to choose a side. I can be both, and both can be me.
Perhaps what i really need is not to find out who i am, but accepting me as who i am.
I spent today trying to figure myself out, despite having been told the opposite - there was no need to do so.
I guessed I didnt really believe it. How can you not know yourself?
The question is subconsciously repeated in my mind: who am I?
Let's talk about simple materialistic wants.
Luxurious 5 star hotels or rough it out? I enjoy Europe where everything is posh and polished, yet I claim Cambodia is my favourite country in the world. Now that I'm in india, i'm embracing the colours and culture here.
Dreamer or realist? I dream an awful lot, but yet when it comes down to facing cold hard truth, I'm the first one to acknowledge.
Introvert or extrovert? Bubbly at times, yet with close friends or strangers alike, there're times when i despise small talk and start withdrawing into my own private space...
An identity crisis. It shouldnt be happening now. It happens to 18 year olds but not to a 26 working adult.
Perhaps i should just come to terms with the fact that I'm neither here nor there. And that itself defines me as a person. i do not have to be black or white. I do not have to choose a side. I can be both, and both can be me.
Perhaps what i really need is not to find out who i am, but accepting me as who i am.
Hiatus
Hello,
I wonder if anyone still reads my blog. Just as well that no one reads it, cos it means i'm absolutely free to write about anything I want without having to worry about 'leaking' too much of my inner thoughts to the outside world.
I wanted to start a brand new blog actually, to pen down my thoughts from my travel experiences. But this is so much more convenient.. :p
Then again, my travel journal doesnt contain that much information of the places I've visited; it's largely geared towards the emotions that these places evoked in me. At the end of the day, my journal still revolves around ME, and would not serve as a useful travel guide for would be visitors. Realising this, i know i can never successfully create a travel journal.
Having dinner with J last night made me realised that i've neglected the person who is closest to me. I've failed to 'see into his heart'. He asked me: what's the meaning of life? Yes, this isnt the first time he posed this question at me, rhetorical i might say, he isnt expecting any form of enlightenment from me. I realised i've always heard him, but never listened.
I tried though. I could only speak from experience. I told him we have to let go. Let go of things that burden you down. Wrong decisions were made, that's fine. I still havent quite figured out who i am, that's ok. I still have no idea what i want in life, but that's me. I do not have to be either black or white, i can be grey, and grey is me. Instead of forcing myself to find an answer, what i need to do is the accept that THIS IS ME.
ok with this, i remembered what i wrote in india. A sudden bolt of 'enlightenment' hit me on the roads. With this, my next post.
I wonder if anyone still reads my blog. Just as well that no one reads it, cos it means i'm absolutely free to write about anything I want without having to worry about 'leaking' too much of my inner thoughts to the outside world.
I wanted to start a brand new blog actually, to pen down my thoughts from my travel experiences. But this is so much more convenient.. :p
Then again, my travel journal doesnt contain that much information of the places I've visited; it's largely geared towards the emotions that these places evoked in me. At the end of the day, my journal still revolves around ME, and would not serve as a useful travel guide for would be visitors. Realising this, i know i can never successfully create a travel journal.
Having dinner with J last night made me realised that i've neglected the person who is closest to me. I've failed to 'see into his heart'. He asked me: what's the meaning of life? Yes, this isnt the first time he posed this question at me, rhetorical i might say, he isnt expecting any form of enlightenment from me. I realised i've always heard him, but never listened.
I tried though. I could only speak from experience. I told him we have to let go. Let go of things that burden you down. Wrong decisions were made, that's fine. I still havent quite figured out who i am, that's ok. I still have no idea what i want in life, but that's me. I do not have to be either black or white, i can be grey, and grey is me. Instead of forcing myself to find an answer, what i need to do is the accept that THIS IS ME.
ok with this, i remembered what i wrote in india. A sudden bolt of 'enlightenment' hit me on the roads. With this, my next post.
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