dun wanna cry no more. i must not feel gulity, i must not feel it has been my fault right from the very first day, i must not feel.. stop feeling, n stop crying. be glad you have finally found the courage to say no. all the memories that we once had.. no i really must stop thinking. shit there is a lump in my throat. dont break girl. be strong...

what is meant is meant to be.. is that right?

internal bleeding.

why are you squeezing my heart? it's already bleeding.

be cruel. shut it out. tilt your head back, stop the tears from flowing.

failure. it overflows. drip drip drip.

my notes are wet.

tears seemed to come easily these days.. wo zai ku..you mei you ren zhi dao.. ni tong..wo ye zai tong, ni zhi bu zhi dao?

fen shou zong yao zai xia yu...

- a song by jacky cheung

sigh it's so irritating that my blog cant display chinese characters. grr..

if you listen carefully, you would realise there is this part in the middle of the track, just after the chorus that sounds damn sad.. ok bad description, but eh it's kind of hard to describe the sound of music.. must feeeel...

30 mins to my first and only lect of the day.. i'm bored... ok gonna be late, better get ready.

sigh should be getting some work done now that i have time, since nowadays i'm so caught up with the biz. but i really dont feel like doing anything.. just wanna lie on my bed, and slowly drift to dreamland.. n then when i wake up the next time, i'll feel guilty about not getting anything accomplished.

every day is a long day...

wanna sleep sleep n sleep.. when was sleeping ever so attractive...

photo shoot yesterday was excruciating long! started the day early. the girls met at 8 am in clementi to have our hair done. the hair stylist was pretty good. i dun look fantastic but at least i dont look bad, as in the one i had for my sci pageant bash...

10 plus am: espirit wisma for make up. ooh that was good. the make up artistes were professional and the make up was well done. i hate having eyeliner n eye shadow etc put on my eyes, the area around my eyes is abnormally sensitive. i have this tendency to tear very easily. the stupid eye liner caused me much discomfort. the powder got into my eyes n i had to blink continously for a while to get rid of them. the make up person had to pause several times cos i seem on the verge of tearing.

12pm: arrival at studio at this ulu place near zouk. the studio is pretty huge, as compared to others i have seen. looked pretty pro too. we had several shots to take: group, couple and individual ones. the couple one was the fastest. group one took the longest since we had to keep shifting positions to get the best overall effect. kim was really really really nervous. the studio wasnt really that cold but her teeth was chattering the whole time! we had to reassure her everything was gonna be okay, told her to relax. all in all it was fun, except for the waiting time in between shots. i hope the pics turn out fine. i look weird with the heavy make up n complex hair do. ok not weird..just different..not like myself..



everything ended at 7pm.. can u imagine.. we spend 8 hours in that studio! ok it wasn't THAT bad cos the pple in the pageant are fun loving and funny and we are pretty close to each other. time passed faster when you're crapping.

bbq after 7pm. mark huang and joel came as well as some of the pageant pple. it was nice seeing mark huang. the last time i met him must have been..a yr ago?? i dont know..long..oh ok i just recalled have seen him in zouk a few times. it was really nice catching up..talking about the old days..

joel brought yongfa, cheungyi and jeremy along.. ok i seriously didnt expect so many people to go. was a little overwhelmed. but hey it was good. cos i seriously havent seen them for ages as well!

went ktv with joel n gang after that.

though kenny is overseas, joel is in army, n i'm usualy busy with uni stuff.. i feel that no matter wat we'll always be the best of friends.. we'll always there to support each other..

was going to sleep already..but i just heard a nice song over radio..n so decided to blog..

it's a song from liu xin hua yuan.. meteor garden. hmm.. san cai and dao ming si.. ke ku ming xin de ai qing..

long weekend ahead, but unlikely to be relaxing.
bball tmr -> family dinner.
photo shoot on sat -> bbq
car wash on sunday -_- -> sci pageant gathering.

dear dear, i'm sorry for taking u for granted. :(
never my intention.

sleepy. slept thru my 2 lects today. the fatigue from yesterday must have been brought over. why was i sooo sleepy?? hmm okies never mind.

hall is extremely quiet for a weekday night. most pple are probably out training for ihg or supporting the basketball match. i wouldnt mind going down too but i'm really kind of lazy. not in the mood to stand by the sidelines jumping and squeaking "go eusoff!". nah. i appreciate a quiet night in my room.

i'm lucky squash was held during the first week. no more trainings to consume my personal time. timetable for this sem isnt exactly what i can call slack. life.

i wonder what i was doing during this time last sem.. adjusting to hall life, socialising, getting to know people.. busy with sci pageant trainings..which lasted till 9pm plus plus usually. after that we had ibg..n then? cant remember.. no wonder i feel weird.. the nights are quiet..

tired tired tired to the bones..

i havent exactly done much today, as in physically..n i dont know why i'm feeling so exhausted.. thinking too much, using too much brain juice i suppose..

started off the day slightly later than usual. woke up around 10, had breakfast with whiston and listened to him grumble and complain about his love life for 1.5 hours.

went back, did a bit of talking to pple. met derrick for lunch. it was so nice to see him after so long..catching up.. he actually counted the number of times we saw each other last yr! i was amazed to find out i only met him thrice last year. it's so sad to see all of us starting to lose contact with each other over the years. we were so close to each other in sec sch.. spending almost everyday after school tgr.. studying, slacking in town, watching movie, arcade, pool.. where is everyone.. joel, yuzhi, kenny, anthony, derrick, leonard, paul, david, vicky...

went back, slack a while then had to go for track to do reporting. then rush for some other meeting outside again..then rush back to hall for pageant meeting.. found out sat has to be devoted to photo shoot..the entire day.. help...

ate dinner at 11pm. stomach was killing. oh no tired..

i'm ssoo hungry! but must abstain from food! cos my dearie is going to bring me for a nice dinner later.. don't know where.. hmm what is there at orchard point? he said we're having dinner at bk a la carte! what bull shit.. hehe :p

anyway we lost squash finals to TH today. haiz damn sad. i think this is the first time we lost in a very very long time! i didn't play.. actually i could have played if i insisted, but most of the seniors are graduating this year, so i guess i should let them play. after all i still have 2 yrs ahead of me!! hmm i wonder if i would have won my match if i played.. maybe.. maybe not.. doesnt matter. never mind, we did our best! as my dearie said: we made them fight nail and tooth for it!

seniors kept asking me to train harder for next yr. okokok i'll try.. i'm just getting lazier n lazier..

okies i should finish Angels and Demons asap, cos apparently there is quite a long queue for it. i need to start reading a bit abt my modules. i know it's only the first week, but i havent been touching any work at all. i dont even think abt them AT ALL. my mind is preoccupied with other stuff. nvm..it's only the first week!! but must buck up!! cannot get the same pathetic CAP as last sem..

hmm mm...i'm in a good mood..squash is finally over! now can concentrate on other stuff! :)

just had squash training. had my first squash match yesterday in ages. i lost. bad. not cos i lost, but cos my opponent wasnt better than me in terms of skills n i still lost, in spirit. i dont know what the hell is wrong with me, i just cant bring up the spirit in me, to chase after the ball, to make that effort to play better.. i was in the OFF mode. totally off. what's up manz girl??

today is my free day. should i go home? hmm yea i should..

like a string being pulled at both ends..taut..to the point of snapping..

no i'm ok, just thought of putting down how i felt at a point of time..

conflicting views. lost for direction. this way that way? havent u already made up your mind girl? you are you.

the whole world can doubt you, but you have to be sure of yourself. know what you want, know where you're going, then go for it.

it was a long day. meeting with kaisi, lunch with winston, talk with yueping. lect. squash.

long n bad. tired. need to sleep.

i want to go home. a safe harbour. away away.

life. a learning experience. learn? or take it easy.

random thoughts.

when the whole world puts you down, all the more you want to climb up n prove they wrong!!!

first day of school! S.I.A.N. is the word.

10-12: lecture - chinese business in singapore and beyond. -_- how interesting. ok it wasn't all that bad. good company.

12-2: lunch at arts. slack in room

2-3: track trials. dammit. something happened to my right thigh. but. i dont know what is wrong. it hurt at that time, better now.

3-4: in com lab w my sweetie teddy bear.

4-6: stats lect. *yawns* u want to sleep? go for this lect. it puts u to sleep.

6-9: squash ihg. didnt play cos my thigh still hurt. hm. we won of course. yay.

right now.. 12 am.. tmr is free day! yay.. going down to office..

jia-si-min.. cheer up.. he loves you.. dont think so much ok...

teddy bear.. cheer up.. i'll be better to you.. i promise.. :)

sigh..when can i be rich..n live in a big big house..with breathtaking views.. of city lights, hills, mountains, waterfalls, blue blue sky... swimming pool to swim, to tan..to hold parties..to..moon bathe..

yesterday was a feel good day. it really feels good to know i have such good friends around, friends that are likely to stay with me all my life...

met up with zhaoqi and teresa cos zhaoqi is going back to cambridge next mon. whoa cambridge manz. what is nus in comparison. she doesnt seem to be having that much fun there though. but i know kailun is having a great time in imperial, travelling around uk, and vanessa too in oxford.

haiz. i have friends who are such high fliers. makes me feel inferior.

sarah was supposed to meet us but she stood us up at the last min, excuse being: too tired. n then she still had the cheek to ask me if i was going zouk later!! tired still can go zouk!! ... nvm, no big surprise, it's sarah.

other members of the group missing in action: amanda - working at hard rock, rach - still at imperial

went zouk w kenny n joel. they were crude. first words when they saw me:"don't match! go back and change!" ...irritating. eh what i was wearing really doesnt match?? i didn't think so, soo..what the heck. i'm comfortable in it..that's what that really matters right..

we drank long island. yucky drink. just enough to get high. we had quite a good time. at least i would like to think so.

it has been quite a long time since i met up with them.. we used to be such good friends.. meeting up almost everyday.. i cant help but feel that things are getting icier.. of cos when we met up yesterday, everything was like back to the old times.. but i just feel that they dun really treasure me as much as they used to. it's different between me n them n the 2 of them. after all they are guys. guys clique better w each other, more common topics of interest, more common activities..can look at girls tgr..

i supposed they think i am starting to drift apart from them. after all i have uni life, hall life.. my own circle of friends.. hey i didnt want to drift.. i just wish they bother sometimes.. i need to feel appreciated, someone apart from the rest.. we have been thru so much tgr.. each of us knows what each other has been thru.. joel n jing.. kenny n anna.. bintan.. my 18th bday.. all the nights we spent talking at kenny's place.. studying at A&W for Os.. sometimes i wish i can turn back the hands of time..

apparently tham daming actually read my blog, n scolded me for leaving him out from my list of christmas wishes!

dun angry k! include u in my new yr wishes!
daming: hope u stop falling for girls who are attached n find someone whom u truly love n who love u as much in return. stop being glum abt being alone, cos u know no matter what.. jp and me will always be there for u! we're a gang right.. heh.

jp: happy that you finally left behind that unhappy past n made up ur mind to move on.. same thing for u as in daming's..except without his fetish for attached girls.

friends forever.

sigh. i dun want or need anything. i just want pple to remember.