what is loneliness?

the sole survivor


a neverending road


a lone traveller


..or just plain insanity..

loyalty

how much importance do you place on loyalty?

loyalty is when someome says something bad about me, and you stand up for me in my defense. loyalty is when i'm sad and depressed, i know you'll put down whatever you have, just to be there for me. loyalty is when having consider how i feel, before you do something, or say something... loyalty is about trust, about love, about..sensitivity..about selflessness..

and i'm feeling a little sad..because i realised there arent many people around me whom i can call loyal.. i'm willing to sacrifice for you, but would you do the same for me? tit for tat.. sometimes i chose to be nonchalant, not because i dont care, but because i feel it's just not worth it when i'm not receiving what i feel i deserve.

hence more and more, bit and bit, i feel more alone.

because i'm just not sure anymore.

and the world just keep closing in on me.

if it's physically possible, i would like to shake you..shake you sooo hard that you'll wake up to your senses, and stop living in the dream world you've constructed. i understand, it's a sad thing, it's ok to be sad. it hurts, it's ok to be hurt. it's ok to have regrets, it's ok to cry, it's ok..to be a lot of things.. but it's so NOT ok to be so selfish to think about you, you and you only. so you think your life revolves around you only? all your friends around you are invisible? all the times we spent talking to you, giving you what we feel is constructive advice, only to have them flanged away like some useless piece of junk, you dismissing them away easily, thinking the whole world is against you and you stand alone, when our intentions are exactly the opposite.

WAKE UP. WAKE UP. your life is worth much more than that. please...

today

today. is. a. nice. day. :) alright nothing exciting or eventful really happened. but i just feel happy. ok i FELT happy. now i'm just..neutral. home sweet home. but it's starting to feel kind of boring. little sis is still out, mum and dad having some intensive discussion over their business thingy. oh well...this is home.

hmm so what did i do today.. went for my last jap TC class for this sem. TC class involves memorising some short dialogue every week and everyone has to take parts role playing and it's graded. sounds stressful, but it's fun! kind of sad that it has ended.. made some unexpected friends who can crap along with me.. hmm.. life does occasionally take unexpected turnings.

had lunch next with sean, lv and joo teng at the biz canteen. i never liked the biz canteen..it's so darrrk..and glooomy.. but anyway, we had our nice weekly chit chat over the usual laksa i had and their spaghetti. biz is supposed to serve especially tasty western food, but the disgustingly long queue just totally put me off.

then we had lects at sci. life sci lect ended an hour so early, so it gave us a free hour to waste away before the next lect. i 'forced' terence to buy me mocha spin from spinelli, but it didnt taste very nice, so i drank his chocolate devilish twist instead. (haha!) i was telling him i think i was his slave in my past life, so he has to repay me back in this life by being extraordinarily nice to me. haha! anyway sean, terence and i had another nice talk, about our future. coincidentally, i realised all three of us have parents involved in some sort of family business. but..

"we are like three lost souls, floating about aimlessly..not knowing where we are going, not knowing what we want.."

"as the day of our graduation draws nearer, the more i'm freaking out.."

"it's not necessarily such a bad thing.. the scholars seemed to have it good, having their life all paved out ahead of them, but that's precisely the obstacle that prevents them from achieving more in life. but people like us..we search, we strive harder..because we dont know what is in store for us..and hence there's potential.."

there are always two sides to a coin.
the grass is always greener on the other side.
*shrug*..one cannot survive without optimism.

studied in the central library with bf and some other friends. was pretty productive. and now all of them are out in town, about to watch a movie, while i'm at home, in front of the com typing this. so no life eh!!

i chose to come home. dont feel like out roaming on the streets at this hour. was thinking since i have that bit of time, might as well come home and spend some time with my little sis and parents. :)

haha mum just came me and showed me this top she bought today while her and dad went out pak toring today. *roll eyes* she sounded so delightful with her buy lar.. haha..

--> to you, you know who you are: pls take care of yourself... exams are coming soon, concentrate on the more impt things alright? i dont know what i can say to you already..because i think you know what i will say, and i've already said the same stuff a zillion times. i just..seriously..so wish that the old you i know will come back..the old bubbly cheerful you.. not someone bounded by so much confusions and conflicts..not someone so filled with sorrow and pain and hurt.. not someone who sees the world in shades of grey and bleakness.. :(.. you can do it girl. you can..tell yourself you've the strength to stand up. i know YOU CAN!!!

-->to the 2nd you..ahh i miss you already!! haha.. :p

he and she

personality test

i was really bored. listening to this personality test on radio. thought i'll just share it.

this test is supposedly more accurate for girls.

imagine you're a hello kitty (yes, the cat with no mouth)! it's a bright sunny day outside but the weather forecast predicted that the possibility that it would rain is 40%. so you decided to bring an umbrella along with you..what colour would the umbrella be?

1. pink
2. red
3. grey
4. black
5. yellow

okie. i dont know the answer yet. i choose red. it's supposed to determine the kind of relationship you seek most.

*waiting...*
*waiting...*
*waiting...*

the internet radio streaming better not screw up..

*waiting*
*waiting*
*hurry up neh!!*

results!
1. pink - hong hong lie lie de ai qing! dont give a damn about what others think. crave for fairy tale love. will gladly leave behind everything to be with your loved one.

2. red - wants others to give their blessings and assurance. wants everyone to be happy for you.

3. grey - wants a relationship that is slowly built on time and sincerity

4. black - wants a guy that will stun everyone! a mysterious relationship.. (huh??)

5. yellow - wants someone that you can have discussions with, and will stimulate growth in you. (huh???)

ok. not very accurate leh.

ok next, a test more for guys.

you're a hello kitty, shopping..and you see a shop selling shoes. what shoes will you set eyes on first?

1. black
2. red
3. olive green
4. yellow
5. brown

i choose black. hmm. supposed to be testing what you need most now.

*
*
*

results

1. black - freedom

2. red - you're tired..wants someone who can give you peace and stability..
3. olive green - you're someone with doubts, need someone who can give you suggestions and assure you..

4. yellow - MONEY!

5. brown - changes! no more routines..best is if there are parties and dinners everyday..

hmm...ok lar..

random pics

opposites attract


fcuk paper bag! i thought it's quite nice..


my pile of rubbish, studying in the central library..


my semi drunk bf at fong seng

my pressie

before..


after: little floating stars

recluse

i suddenly..dont feel like talking to anyone.
i dont feel like seeing anyone.
i dont feel like thinking about anything..
i dont even feel like logging onto msn..which is very very rare..
i just want to live in my own world, away from everyone..away from everything that makes me think too much..

i feel like going home.

now or future

was on the bus to sci this morning when i overheard this guy talking to his friend, about the internship he did last summer. he was saying all he did then was to surf the net and nothing really constructive, and so it was quite 'shiok'. seriously dont you think it's quite meaningless if you go to such internships and you dont learn anything at all? just sit around, do nothing, wasting your youth. ya but a lot of people do that, for the sake of their resumes.

so there are 2 types of students - the laid back sort who bums around during hols, and the proactive sort who goes hunting for internships and attachments in hopes of enhancing their chances of employment upon graduation. good and bad, no wrong or right, a matter of choice. i think i belong more to the first class.. i do work, but i work..for..fun! and money of course. not for my 'future'.

been thinking about what would become of me when i graduate. and it's a little freaking me out. i'm torn between living for the present, just enjoying the 'now', and planning for the future.

especially when i see so many of my friends, who have their lives paved out nice and smooth ahead of them already...

sometimes i blame myself for being so passive. sometimes i think there can so much more that i can achieve, if i bothered to make the effort to. 10 years down the road, would i turn back and say to myself, "i wish i have done this when i was still young.."?

that would be so SAD.

sigh. think i should do something about it. but right now, since exams are approaching, i have an excuse to put all my dreams and fantasies on hold for a while. :)

before and after

army days..2 yrs ago..mr ah toot..


the small boy a yr ago..


...and tata!! my bf now..

china's starbucks..where they serve orange mocha frappuccino and lychee mocha frappucino..

Compare size of our arms!! i looked so fat last time.


a picture long overdue..me and jas having dessert at..forgot the name of the place..2 months ago.


dinner at 'the simple life' a week ago

when is nothing something

i know. i know sometimes i'm capable of thinking too much, reading too much into situations, nuances, impulsive actions, harmless remarks...so much so that NOTHING becomes SOMETHING. your efforts to placate me touched me..because i've learnt that not every guy can tolerate my nonsense. it's only at the end of it all, when i sit down and ponder about the thing i've call something, do i realised that it is actually an issue i've created out of nothingness.

sigh.

yes, girls definitely do say one thing when they meant another. when i said it's nothing, it does mean something, but i only said nothing because i dont want you to think i'm being petty. because i feel that if i voice out how i really feel, it'll only serve to make me realise how disgustingly unreasonable i sound. and that feeling of self contempt aftermath really sux..

when i say it's ok, it's actually not very ok. but i'm saying it's ok, because my brain has efficiently came up with a comprehensive analysis report that tells me it's ok, it's supposed to be ok, but deep down inside, my heart just defiantly refuse to obey logic. it's ok, because i trust you, and i want you to be happy..that's all..

still struggling to find that balance.

scandals

am doing a 2000 word essay on the film, the age of innocence. the title ironic to the contents of the story. a society bounded by conventions and traditions in the 1870s. so why am i suddenly talking about this?? because i suddenly feel that the values in our society seem almost non-existent now! dont wanna put down explicitly why.. but.. some things that people do just disgusts me.. i'm no angel, and i certainly know that there are some things which people cant help doing when they under the influence of alcohol.. BUT.. i dont do that!! THAT..

ok. it's actually no big deal. none of my business anyway. i dont know why i'm making such a big fuss out of it.

alright long day ahead. i'll be back 7.5 hours later. after 2 tutorials and 2 lectures.

never mind. the HOT date tonight makes up for everything!

cold

it's a cold cold thursday afternoon. almost slipped at sci just now cos the ground was so slippery. i'm not sure whether i like cold days. makes me think too much, and have too many incoherent fantasies.. i wish u were here. anyway was just reading the lost boy by dave pelzer. i cant believe i started tearing when i was just into the first two chapters. what the hell. now i have to go to tutorial with semi swollen eyes.

does he even know i'm here
that sleeping face
lost in the deepest realms
a world beyond the control
a world beyond my reach
does he even know i'm here

retro

Just came back from a long meeting. planning for a hall event, culture night and the theme is retro. sounds fun eh?? i realised how the constraints of money and time can really ruin whatever plan you have. initially i was having this concept of a retro look alike restaurant concept, with round tall table and high stools, draped over with polka dots or monochrome table cloths, surrounding a level performing area. girls with big hair, coloured big round ear rings, bright colour hot pants and top walking around as waitress, serving drinks. guys in bell bottoms, glittering shirts, geled hair, big glasses.. disco and neon lights ahead, life size figures of beatles, elvis presley, grease and austin powers placed around... beaded curtains over entrance.. hehe. okie. just a thought. but looks like with our tiny budget, it's impossible to do it apprentice style.

lala..


shagwell


john travolta

oh no. i'm having a bad flu. thanks to the nasi goreng man. grr. :p

i cant fall sick! i have lots of work to do. sigh.

2000 word essay
2101 test coming up
bio stats tutorials
jap quizs
meetings

"I want to get away with you into a world where words and categories don't exist. Where we shall be simply two human beings who love each other, who are the whole of life to each other; and nothing else on earth will matter." - Newland Archer, the age of innocence.



what i wish my darling would say to me!!


double images

my love

for the glass of water clear as my reflection
for the blushing rose
for the flickering candles
for the scent of sweet love
..and i adore you even more now..




i'm terribly sorry :(
i dont know what i was thinking.
thanks for being tolerant.
thanks for keeping the faith..
i'll be more responsible.

i'm precisely what i've warned myself i should never become.
i wont be what i've heard so often about other girls, a xiao nu ren, a girl bounded by unfounded insecurities and unreasonable demands.

sigh. i supposed love makes one break all rules.

boys and girls

been talking to the people around me. realised that what a man wants from his gf/wife is very different from what a woman wants from her man. a man wants his wife to be someone who is family oriented, someone he enjoys hanging out with, who is virtuous, caring..basically he is looking more into character traits. on the other hand girls have much more and stricter criteria that a guy has to meet..the man must have a car, a career but still has time for her, be financially stable but not spendthrift, romantic but practical, intelligent but not arrogant, faithful but with a bad streak, carry himself well etc etc..

tough to be a guy eh!!

of course, before you can have a car, you must have your license first..*eh hem* *EH HEM*

i realised exams are just around the corner. gonna spend more time studying..

me and you

our feet!


in the dark


hehehhe


acting cute


kissy kissy

simply that

havent been home the entire weekend, feel kind of bad about it.. miss my mum, my dad and my dear sister. she is taking her exams this week..wonder how she is doing.. tay yichun!! you better study hard and not disappoint us!!

hmm let me recall what i've been doing this weekend. had lunch with andre on sat afternoon. eh andre, can i just say sth.. i think you look better wearing what you wore on sat than what you normally wear..which is..hmm shirt and jeans? ahaha.. it seemed to attenuate your actual bulk hehehe.. ok weird comment i know. just feel like saying. and i'm sorry my room was so dusty that it made you sneezed incessantly.

dinner with shoonie.. hey dear i never said this cos i feel i am not in the position to make judgements. but just a gut feeling..he doesnt make me feel that he was being a hypocrite. maybe he has his own reasons? or maybe he just made a mistake... everyone makes mistakes, right? anyway it was enjoyable... the evening was perpetuated with smiles, laughter, jokes and small talk.. dinner was especially delightful cos everyone looked so happy.. :)

made me wish that there are more of such gatherings in my family.. when was the last time my family had dinner together? all of us at one table? hmm..chinese new year?? oh brother brother.. come back soon..

absence really does make the heart grow fonder.

caught the 40 year old virgin last night. it was hilarious. if you're stressed out and is desperately in need of some laughs to maintain your sanity, watching this show is highly recommandable.

i find it weird how small little things that people do for me can actually touched me so much. like how terence and chee keong always buy spinelli coffee for me during the lect break even though i've never asked them to, and when i was the one who said time and again that i would treat them to that... thanks guys. :)

and jas.. yes yes i wont nag at you. what can i say.. i think after knowing you for so long, i've already exhausted my list of advice, and you probably have no difficulty guessing what i would say. so..what can i say?? haiz we've both been through ups and downs, lows and highs, you know there's nothing that cannot be conquered, no tears that wont dry, no wounds that wont heal, nothing that time cannot cure.. just have some faith in yourself, in your life, and the him who is still out there waiting for you. CHEER UP MY DEAR FRIEND!

and lastly..i'm happy because of you.

i feel like i'm lying on a patch of eternal grassland that stretches for miles and miles,
engulfed by the azure sky,
eyes closed,
listening to the seemingly non existence whispers of nature,
and feeling the brush of soft winds gently caressing my bare skin.

just..simply that.
as simple as that.
plain contentment.
peace.

joe: hahaha i'm sorry i 'ditched' you.. and i was kind of touched by your msg. didnt know what i wrote on my blog will actually have an effect on other people.. :).. happier posts from now on..

i'm sorry i thought too much.
i'm sorry i was being ridiculous..
i'm sorry..i was just for a moment, going insane..
bear with me, oki..

downward spiral

tug of war.

tug of war between the rational, logical tay yiming, and the unreasonable, demanding, childish tay yiming who just feels like screaming her head off, throwing a filthy tantrum, hurling vases and snapping at everyone she sees.

wow. sounds like a hurricane is on its way huh.

nah. that wont happen. because in every person, there is this thing called.."self control". and tay yiming is rarely out of control. because she uses her brain too much.

i'm just in a freaking bad mood now.

a break

yoz! it's friday night and..i'm..i'm..i'm..i'm in hall!!! haha..sounds a little loseristic ya.. while everyone seems to be out having fun.. but surprisingly i find this time to myself comforting. in fact i kind of crave for it.. this week has been quite a chore, with 2 major tests and 1 project due. been quite geekish these days, spending a fair of my time in the library mugging for the tests. i'm soo glad they are over..give me a break!

i'm tired.. :(

thank you andre!! i'm really touched!! *gan dong gan dong..*

For after the chaos and confusions came a pasture of daffodils and clover leaves
Resplendent, effervescent and promising
Promising a future that awaits
The future that awaits...
Though still dabbed with jittery doubts
We strode on dauntless into the unknown whereabouts
In soft meadows of green with clouds so high
I'll sing to you a song in lullaby
Of sweet wine, bread and cottage cheese
I thank destiny for you and me...

i thank serendipity for you and me.

i am the girl

haha ok jas's friend started it first, then she wrote it on her blog, now i'm continuing the "i am a girl" trend.

so here it goes.

i am the girl.

i am the girl who had no hair when she was a baby, cos apparently her hair couldnt grow, so her grandma cut her bald. (what crap?)

i am the girl who couldnt gave up her pacifier, and got her grandma so frustrated that she put chilli on it and made her suck it.

i am the girl who was known as the ku bao when she was younger, cos she cried at the smallest thing.

i am the girl who screamed at her cousin for half an hour in front of all her relatives because he pulled the head off her barbie doll, until she got so out of hand that my mum locked her in her room.

i am the girl who was stupid enough to put her hamster on the parapet, and he committed suicide from the 12th floor, and she cried like mad after that.

i am the girl who had a female cousin who was same age as her, they were very close and did everything together, stayed over, played barbie dolls, but she went astray when she was a teenager and they have since then, became strangers.

i am the girl who had a neighbour who was born on the same day, and same year as her, and they used to be very good friends then too, but have since then, lost contact.

i am the girl who cried in kindergarden class cos she was made to recite the date to the entire class.

i am the girl who started wearing glasses at the age of 5.

i am the girl who dreaded english dictation cos she always scored the lowest in class.

i am the girl who had fun playing hopscotch during recess in nanyang primary.

i am the girl who did pretty well for psle and was quite happy about it.

i am the girl who hated the rgs uniform because she thought she looked so damn skinny in it; it wasnt until she was sec 3 when she learnt how to appreciate the pinafore.

i am the girl who stumbled into the cca of squash, and was crazily playing it EVERYday in sec 1.

i am the girl who was inspired to be the captain and best squash player when she was in sec 1.

i am the girl who was snobbish and would only want to play with the better players.

i am the girl who first had a guy chasing after her when she was in sec 1, and she was so stunned that she asked him,"are you sure you got the right girl? i'm not --- u know? i'm yiming."

i am the girl who first had a bf when she was 14, and she must admit, she was just out to have a taste of romance.

i am the girl who started working at pizza hut when she was 15, and it changed her life forever.

i am the girl who first clubbed when i was 15, at sparks, and mixed with a bunch of ah lians and ah bengs and thought that was fun.

i am the girl who has never tried smoking in her life before.

i am the girl who first got her heart broken when she was 17.

i am the girl who has fall in and out love many times, and sometimes wish that she could reset time such that these relationships have never happened.

i am the girl who has a best friend whom she has known since she was 6, and that when the whole world fades away, at least she knows she'll always have her. (eee mushy mushy)

i am the girl who is doing life sciences in nus, and finds it the most boring subject in the world, but realised that if she was given a choice, she would choose it again, because..oh well she is lost anyway.

i am the girl who stays in Eusoff Hall, but sometimes feel that it's the loneliest place in the world and just wants to go home...

i am the girl who has done evil things to people before, albeit never intentionally..but feels very very sorry about it..

i am the girl who sometimes wishes she was richer, she was more intelligent, more witty, more capable, more outgoing, more eloquent..

i am the girl who suffers from split personality sometimes, and she hates the side of her which is quiet because she doesnt know what to say, or that she will say sth stupid and humiliate herself in front of others.

i am the girl who hates it when pple call her cheena, or "are u sure u're from raffles??".

i am...the girl.

this is so not looking good.
i just hope i dont do too badly for my test tmr.
argh.

dreams

perhaps it's a blessing in disguise, that it is a dream that will remain as it is, a dream that is yet, or will never be materialised. who is to say that if you turn this dream into reality, the story wont turn ugly one day.. how many times have i witnessed a dream that is thought be to so turned into a horrible nightmare, the biggest mistake, the greatest regret.. how many times..too many times.. if it was to remain as a dream, one day when the bubble burst, at least i can tell myself,"oh well, after all it was meant to be a dream, you wake up from dreams."

sigh if that is really so.. why does my heart feel so heavy sometimes..

is it really enough..

whatever. big test tmr. need to put on my mugger toad cap!