smile to 2008

had a small gathering with a few of my bestest friends, to celebrate in advance, my 23rd bday, and i guess also the end of 2007.

23..gosh..i'm certainly catching up on age! the tragedy of being an early born baby; the first one to entertain the calamity of being a year older.

this year was a hell of a roller coaster ride. so many changes; too many changes. too many adaptations required, too much tears shed, too little joy felt, too many failings, too little faith.

2008 had better be a better year.

to my fantastic friends (counting no. of yrs i've know you):
andre (j1 till now, 6 yrs): my diligent bday planner and confidant in times of crisis, i'm sorry the shirt i bought for you can fit 1.5 times of you...hehehe.

jas (PY till now, 16 yrs): my bestest friend who although can be very ZHONG SHE QING YOU at times, hahaha, do show support when i need her too.

zx (same, 16 yrs): although you missed the dinner yesterday...hmm...ok i cant think what to thank you for leh, hahah..ok la i enjoy crapping with you. :D

ck (nus yr 2 till now, 2.5 yrs): i can always count on you eh...hope you find a job that you wont be so sian of..

ter (nus yr 1 till now, 3.5yrs): the times in america were unforgettable..and i did return you the money liao ok...

chris (modelling till now, 1 yr): life would be a lot duller without your lame jokes, but jokes aside, i wouldnt have had the courage to do as much as i did without you.

shoonie (nus yr 2 till now, 2.5 yrs): the person who stood with me at the top of effiel tower..how could i ever forget you or put what i really feel/felt for you in a few words?

my rgs friends, teresa/qi/sarah/manda/rach (rgs sec 3 till now, 8 yrs): some of the nicest people i know, with me through the days we plough around in our pinafores at far east plaza, until now...

life would be different without any one of you.

oh wellies.....SMILE.

get your sexy back!

went to support yy, jae and zx on wed as it was yy and jae's fyp anti-binge project at zouk. the silly thing was me and chris arrived late and the event ended 20 mins after that. there was free flow of tiger..but eh..i hate beer manz! saw some other familiar faces like daniel, destiny and justin.

chris, me and zx

me and justin

had someone else been me, would she have done what i did? would she have been able to do what i have done? would she have done it better?

i honestly think i suffer from split personality sometimes.

i have sooo much doubts, and it seems that no one can help me except myself!

zoukout on sat

zoukout was pretty haps, but not as great as I thought it would be. i reached sentosa really late, was stuck in the jam along ecp/keppel road for almost an hour! was crazy..i think everyone was heading towards sentosa. reached at around midnight and only got in at 1.30am. hordes of people everywhere, but there was still room to breathe. everyone was clad so casually, for once there was no heels or shirts and pants, just plain slippers, summer dresses, shorts, bikinis and bers for the guys. there were four arenas, each playing different sort of music, ahh..music was just so-so.

thank god the weather was good and it didnt rain a drop!

the main arena where they were playing trance

i fell asleep at the fence behind at 5am, woke up at 7am and realised everyone was still dancing! these people are crazy, where did they get their energy from?? hello...the sun has risen..

tired souls like me resting, there were 2 gays lying on top of each other beside me..eyoo...i have nothing against homosexuality, but still....

still more people on my left...

...and more people dancing....

reached home at 9.30am on sunday. some people said this is the last year they are having zoukout, is that true? didnt they say that last year too? hmm.

christmas lights in orchard

Huge christmas tree in front of paragon

pretty lights

who would i give to stroll along the streets and take in these glittery lights with me?

where lies my heaven

the world is all for you to take
but which part of the world do you want?

i cant have my vast, boundary-less, turquoise oceans, yet long for the bitter cold snow-capped mountains!
i cant long for the peace and tranquility of wide, green meadows, yet still want the hustle and bustle of new york city.

there simply isnt a perfect place in the world.
the word contentment just doesnt seem to exist in my dictionary.

sigh sigh. what am i gonna do?

where in the world lies my heaven?

just do it

one in the million things that is wrong with me is that, i DONT listen. I really DONT listen. and when i dont WANT to listen, there's no point saying anything to me, cos it'll go into one ear and come out from the other.

and that is one of the reasons why i always get myself into trouble. like what andre and i discussed yesterday, the difference between me and him is that, quoting him,"if he thinks he cannot do it, he wont do it. as for me, whether or not i can do it, i will JUST DO IT." so i'm the JUST-DO-IT girl.

like one million people can tell me, if you step into this RIVER, you will drown. i will hear, but i probably wont listen. you know there's a difference right? so i will still step into the river......at the back of my head, a small pleading voice will say,"yiming you are going drown!". but i wouldnt caree.....let me DROWN!

i'm mad.

no la i'm just tired. long long day.

pretend you fit

was at a function last night where everyone was just simply, pretentious.

i think i blend in pretty well too. i supposed i can be pretty pretentious when i want to also.

you got to be nice to him because you never know when he could be your potential client. this world revolves around 'you know who' and 'who can help who'.

after a while you just hate all these pretending, and just crave for some peace and sincerity.

sabbatical

i'm going on a sabbatical, for the month of dec.

i'm tired of fighting wars.

looking back on the year of 2007, it has certainly been a year of ups and downs. how many buckets of tears have i shed this year? from the modelling months in the first quarter, the stressful month of april in MSU and finally graduating from NUS; embarking on my europe tour in june, back in july, surviving a break up, and then off to america again in august. started my first new job in sept, struggling with clashes, new values and insights, and finally pushed off the cliff in nov and coming to a rest now in dec.

i'm tired really.

sad as i am, at the same time i cant help but feel that a burden is taken off my shoulders. i'm finally back to who i really am, the girl that longs for freedom and space, for peace and carelessness.

grant 2008 to be a much more peaceful year for me.

happily ever afters

everyone loves a fairy tale!

just finished watching enchanted. manz, it's the sweeeettteeest show i've ever watched in a long long time. it's the sort of show that would make everyone feel good after that.

the saddest thing about reality is that no one believes in 'happily ever afters' anymore...walt disney should stop producing these shows to bluff people!! haha but then again if he doesnt do it, there would really be nooo hope in this world.

wishing and dreaming...

hk was really cold when i left...

got this from my bestie's blog. no time to blog long essays now, but this following article really summaries my thoughts and feelings on this overrated word called love.

http://www.straitstimes.com/Free/Story/STIStory_177789.html?vgnmr=1

and yes, i'm leaving for hk (again) tmr until next wed.

bon voyage, to myself.

too much pride

as i was telling ck, the prob with me is that i have got too much pride to swallow.

i would make a terrible slave. i would probably attempt to escape after one week and end up getting my arms cut off when they find me.

well well, drown or survive, at least i know i've been warned.

what if one day, i dont want to be understanding...?

what happens then?

water and oil

water is water, oil is oil.
water and oil can never mix.
so why should water accommodate oil, and try to blend in?
it is possible, for two different entities, to co-exist amicably, without attempting to change any aspect of oneself isnt it?

that being said, i know all i'm trying to do is to find an excuse to justify my stubbornness.
i just want to make myself feel that i AM not wrong.
that my reluctance to join the herd is a firm stand of my individualism, and not merely an obstinate, unreasonable choice...

because after all, humans are not objects. we are not facts. water IS water, oil IS oil. but YM is not just YM. YM can be kind, but can be evil. YM can be nice, but yet selfish.

like water that meanders around obstacles of rock, that flows through the mountains and the valleys, human beings adapt to our surroundings. every single one of us is capable of that, and the only reason why we dont, is because we made the choice NOT to.

i know it only takes this little bit of effort, but i'm just too lazy to move.

i'm such a contradictory person.

the first baby step

it's like watching a baby take its first step. you get a ludicrous feeling of euphoria and self satisfaction; yet at the same time, a deep sense of apprehension, because you know that whoever this baby grows up to be, she is solely your responsibility.

i'm at the start of the marathon. pray give me the stamina to complete my race.

old men lunch

had my weekly dose of 'old men lunch' today, and somehow or another, with this bunch of people, the subject of infidelity never fail to be brought up. today was an advanced course into the psychics of these 'old men'. why do i say it's advanced? because i would probably have passed my elementary exams with flying colours, in the 2 months since i started working. today's lecture wasnt entirely new; it just managed to provide deeper insights.

dont say that they are 'hum sup', so which man isnt? only that some hide it behind a mask, others wear it more plainly in their speech and actions, but essentially: all men are the same. and that's fine, because it's the way we're made.

these men do not regard their actions as infidelity, but rather as acquiring a service to fulfill their basic needs. is sex without love tolerable? are love and sex two different entities to men, one being an emotion and the other being a course of action? so it's true that it's really possible to separate these two..? some say yes, some say no...whatever being said, i do believe in what you dont know wont hurt. some things are better left unknown.

and i wonder who i can ever trust to marry and spend the rest of my life with after knowing all these. i came to 3 conclusions:

1. i can marry a very very good man (there are still good men in this world right??)
2. i can marry a very very smart man, cos he will know how not to let me know he is playing outside.
3. or i could be the sort of wife who knows, yet tolerate.

somehow, i feel...the wives always know.....

yawns, bed time.

Que Sera Sera

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty, will I be rich
Here's what she said to me.

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.

When I was young, I fell in love
I asked my sweetheart what lies ahead
Will we have rainbows, day after day
Here's what my sweetheart said.

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.

Now I have children of my own
They ask their mother, what will I be
Will I be handsome, will I be rich
I tell them tenderly.

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.

happy times in hk

of happier times in hk/macau!

was lucky to have plenty of free time during my trip in hong kong, and had the company of two tour guides to bring me around. i arrived on wed morning, and was just in time to catch the happening lan kwai fung at night for halloween!

lkf was packed to the brim with people everywhere dressed up in gory costumes. we went there after our meeting so we were hardly dressed up for the occasion, nonetheless we made an effort to blend in by buying little devil bands to wear! the two guys look absolutely adorable in them haha.

had pretty much nothing on on thursday so mr alan was my official tour guide for the day and brought me to explore every corner of hk! we were at nu ren jie at mongkok. we pretty much just walked around and i didnt really buy anything. weather was fantastic.

chilling out at macs. alan with his silly grin and me pretending to worrk really hard on my blackberry.

i think we were at causeway bay this time. caught a crazy movie called jin shang jiao (triangle) which i thought should be pretty alright cos gu tian le was starring in it. but it turned out to be kind of psychotic.

went on to stanley at night where we found out there was a huge huge party going on involving some taiwanese star called ah ben (who the hell is ah ben???). anyway to our disappointment, we couldnt enter even though the party looked happening, because we didnt have passes. oh well, we settled for a quiet drink at a pub overlooking the sea, and ended off the night with dessert near my hotel.

on friday, we went to macau with 2 of alan's good friends from singapore too. visited the very much talked about VENETIAN casino/hotel. it really is huge, and almost identical to the venetian i've already visited in vegas, so it did nothing much to impress me further. i heard that macau has already surpassed vegas in terms of their earnings, but honestly in terms of the clubbing scenes and performances and architecture, it's nooooowhere near vegas. unlike vegas where all the casinos are concentrated all along a single road, hence known as the strip, all the casinos in macau are scattered. it's pretty at night. it's happening during weekends, where people from all over the world flock to the city to drink and club. whereas macau is fully functional; there is, gambling is in full force manz. people really go there just to gamble.

for non-gambler like myself, it can be kind of boring. was glad that both alan and terence (alan's friend) won some money for themselves that afternoon. also all my photos from macau has him in it only cos i took photos for him on my cam and he took mine for me on his. soo mr yeung, if you're reading this... i WANT my pICs!! :p

might be making another trip to hk/shenzhen/macau again at the end of nov. company retreat, my boss says, but i'm thinking of giving it a miss..

when happiness is a tragedy

am finally home. was a little afraid that the peace and quiet of this 4 walled room would close in and engulf me, but i guess i would grow to get accustomed to it. i believe it's what i really need now.

ever wonder whether a happy affair is still a happy affair when it occurs at precisely the wrong time? and it's precisely the wrong timing that caused the so called happy affair to be unable to be carried out. like getting a fantastic scholarship to study abroad, but knowing you cant take it because your mum is terribly ill. like scoring perfect scores for A levels but knowing you cant go on to university anyway cos your family is unable to support you through.

so doesnt the happy affair ceased to be something happy already, for the inability to follow through is a tragedy in itself that has sucked all happiness out of it.

it becomes pointless. it's perhaps better if it has never existed in the first place. because for that fleeting moment that it has brought about a flicker of hope, it leaves behind an even more palpable trace of regret and disappointment.

pardon me for my pessimistic post, which actually shouldnt come as a surprise; it's afterall consistent with my series of posts for the past month that has continued to exude melancholy.

recent spate of events have smacked some sense of reality into my face, and forced me to grow up more more than i wish i would. physically, i have recovered from my illness. my body is starting to feel like my body again. but emotionally, i'm drained.

as fragile as an egg, he said, that will crack on the first touch.

some peace and quiet would be good.

after 1.5 years, this is still my tranquilliser

missing the good old days...

why must things be so difficult?

old woman

am back from a long trip in hk. was a biz cum holiday trip, plenty of fun, except for the fact i wasnt feeling well the entire time over there. was so bad that i decided to see a doc at 1am on my first night there. thank god the medical bill wasnt that expensive.

i honestly dont know why my body is so fragile now. i used to be so fit! falling sick was a rare occasion. but after i started working, i've seen the doc 4 times already. sigh. mum said it's because my lifestyle is screwed up, and i'm getting old......

last night was terrible because i touched down slightly after midnight. i had to drag my tired soul back home in the heavy storm and only got to sleep at 2 plus.

i believe i'm recovering though. i really shouldnt be complaining after having so much fun in hk. the weather there is fantastic. total air con temperature. :)

but..fatigue is getting to me now. i NEED rest.

you're a lonely girl

was told i was a lonely girl by someone today, two people actually, and one of them only met me once and spoken to me briefly. what a strange observation to make of someone who barely knows you. nevertheless, the simple and candid sentence of, "you're a lonely girl", struck something deep down inside.

constantly preoccupying myself erases the realisation of the need of constant companionship. something always comes along, perhaps that's why i never wondered what would happen if one day, the world ceases to rotate, and i'm the only one left in action.

today wasnt a perfect day at work. i had the monday blues. dont wanna go into da dao li now. went to the driving range just now and am proud to say...i hit the ball!! with minimal no. of air balls and lousy-roll-down-the-carpet sort of balls. was quite fun actually and you actually get a sense of satisfaction when you hit the ball. it's really a game that requires one to focus.

sigh, but sometimes i wonder how i can focus when there are so many things to juggle. (not referring to golf here)

am leaving for hk on wed morning and coming back on sunday night. looking forward to the air-con temp in hk no!

work over life

was talking to clifford in the afternoon today and he mentioned that he has been swarmed with work for the past 2 weeks. he asked how was my life and i said practically the same; life revolves mainly around work these days, the rest of the elements are just add-ons.

Defrosting... says (1:12 PM):
That is not very healthy girl.
Defrosting... says (1:12 PM):
Work should be secondary in life.. No matter how.
Defrosting... says (1:12 PM):
Family and love should ALWAYS come first.
Defrosting... says (1:12 PM):
Else in later part of life you will realised you lived for nothing.
Defrosting... says (1:12 PM):
Work is never and will never be the constant in one's life.
Defrosting... says (1:12 PM):
A lesson you should learn.

ooohhh rightt.

come to think of it, when we're young, we think work is everything. work gives you money to enjoy and buy the things that you want. work gives you a sense of personal satisfaction and achievement. work gives you status amongst your family and your peers. work gives you money to get married and have kids and ensure your kids have a good education. blah blah blah...

but at the end of the day, work is just...WORK. it's just something you happen to be doing in your life, a kind of accessory that you can do with or without. something that is not worth your time and efforts except for the reason to fund your other essentials in life. it does well to dispel one's boredom, to make personal progress and to expand one's social circle (depending on the nature of the job) too.

it's really extremely unimportant if you really think about it. if you made a mistake in a job, you can always move on. if you made a mistake with someone you loved, can you always move on?

after saying so much, i still dont know exactly whether i do practise what i preach haha. for now, work proves to be a great distraction and strangely comforting sometimes.

he, the wise one, says that the one who can keep his emotions in check best will win the race. advice noted, nevertheless there are times when my pride struggles to retain back some justice for myself. striving to be a cool girl...

on other occasions, work's just a total bitch.

p/s: trip to HCM cancelled, trip to hk pending. sigh..fly me away will you..

sciencey night out

just had a life science gathering at holland v. met up with my nus pals, ck, ant, wenyan and sean. missing in action are lenny and terence. a good dinner at crystal jade and then chill out at harry's.

nothing beats more than a good night's out with my bestest buddies. :)

i'm tired. zzz.

on other note, might be flying to HCM and hk next week. i'm happy to be going away for a while again.

hmm. many many things to be done....

sigh...:(

why do i feel as if i'm fighting this battle alone?

travel bites

i should start blogging about some happy events before i get shot for all these depressing posts. umm but honestly i get most of my inspiration to blog only when i'm pondering over some sad facets of life.

it's a rainy night. how nice if i have someone to cuddle up with now...mmmm...

i'm dreaming about holidays. i realise though i've been to far far away places such as US and europe, i havent really explored SEA, popular nearby getaways such as phuket, tioman, langkawi, manila, hanoi, taipei, bali....and then there's japaaan... i want to travel to somewhere this dec, but it seems as if ticket prices are rocket high, even for budget airlines like jetstar. sigh sigh. looks like christmas is going to be stuck in boring old singapore.

long to go somewhere cooold this christmas...

why does christmas reminds me of the little match girl? out in the open selling matches whilst peering into windows of warm fireplaces..

broken myths

the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow..when you were young, you probably didnt know that rainbows are merely no more than a trick that the physics of light has played on our eyes. if we could step forward and touch it, you realise it's as immaterial as breezes of air.

isnt it then, sometimes better to take a step back to admire this beautiful sight, and never have to find out that it is in actual fact, non-existent....

isnt it better then, to be gullible and naive and live in a bubble, blissful unaware of the dangers lurking behind the shadows...than to know, and be wary?

it's a tough decision really. but like i've mentioned long long long time ago...'the mind once broadened, can never retain its original confines..' it doesnt seem like we have much of a choice what people want to tell you.

i once believed in fairy tale love. i didnt know whether for a fact that existed or not, but i thought there was evidence that this existed when you watch movies, or when you see old couples holding hands on the streets. however rare such sights are, at one small naive corner of my heart, i held on to the belief. yet these days, i find that small glimmer of hope of mine, slowly corroding, and harder and harder to hold on to.

the broken myths...

heartbreaks occur everyday...for those whose hearts are aching now, i truly sympathise with you. as the cliche goes, time heal all wounds. treasure the courage you had, even if it was at the spur of the moment, to let go of the internal turmoil. Some people never found it, and only lived with much greater regrets. It is so easy to succumb and lapse back into that comfort zone....

cheer up my dear girl.

loving you

perhaps i have indeed formed a shield over my heart. who can break through the protective shell? it's not that i have been hurt too many times; i have been hurt no more times than the layman on the street. but i've been through many relationships, and it has kind of numbified me. i've been hearing much about failed marriages, straying husbands and wives who are no longer interested. it is stripping away my faith, layer by layer..until eventually there's nothing left to give anymore.

i've built a dam in the recesses of my heart. a well controlled emotional dam, efficiently regulating the flow of love/hate that is allowed past it. i've met people whom i cant love, people whom i know are totally incompatible with my expectations of a life long partner, people whom are compatible but yet..i cannot bring myself to love or hurt.

or perhaps, i would like to think of course, that i havent met the right one. or simply put, it's not the right time. i simply cant sprint when the finishing line isnt in sight; but i fear i have been jogging so much that i have no stamina to sprint when i finally see the finishing line.

i fear i'm incapable of loving anymore.

viscous undercurrents beneath the seemingly peaceful reservoir

ramblings again

it's so irritating being a human sometimes. the ability to feel makes the carrying of a task less efficient. sometimes i feel like i'm being taken on a roller coaster ride; one moment i'm flying high, the next i'm plunging deep into the abyss.

there are so many sides to a story, so many angles that one is able to look at a certain issue, so many stands which you can choose to take...how do you decide which one you want to sit on? i'm not even saying we should take the right one, because certainly there's no right one. most often than not, we would choose the one that makes us more comfortable, no? the one that succeeds in making us feel the best, perhaps letting us feel victimised and allowing us to indulge in several bouts of self-pity without feeling loser-istic about it. and then unfortunately, someone else comes into the picture, presents another point of view, knocks you out of that self-pity mode, and you realise you're indeed being loser-istic.

sometimes i wish i can deflect opinions/comments like a reflecting board, but like greenhouse effect, there's only so much heat that i can fight, the rest is inevitably absorbed and it scorches.

take for example, walking on a tightrope on the 98th storey. it's not the fear of falling that impedes one's progress; but the fear of the fear of falling.

anyway i'm sick and tired of thinking. just do it man!

*yawns* onto the 2nd season of entourage.

For every step you take, there's always someone who wants to pull you down.
Just got to believe in myself huh?
Don't they always say, it's better to have tried and failed. than never to have the guts to try?

lack of sleep these days, very sleepy.

masstige = mass + prestige
what kind of word is that??
i didnt create this btw, it was from the news.

is it me or what, the UN envoy to myanmar speaks like a singaporean! the accent i mean, not that there are any 'lahs' or 'lohs'.

grumbles

10 mins more to the end of this working day. dont say i'm slacking! it's just 10 mins! gonna give tuition to my student in yew tew. haiyo i'm really reluntant to go, highly tempted to call up one of my friends out for dinner, or go for drinks and just chill.

nonetheless, a GIRL has got to do what a GIRL has to do! my student has physics and chem papers for the next 2 days. so tada~ here i am the wonder teacher to her rescue, with all the solutions to her last min doubts hehe.

*grumble grumble* whinning seems second nature to me now. there's so much to be said, yet so few who would actually listen AND understand.

misunderstood

it sucks to be misunderstood. honestly, i'm not the devious sort of girl, i dont go behind and stab others in their backs. i mean, what do i even stand to gain from here? i admit, perhaps i havent been sensitive enough to your feelings; perhaps life has indeed been too good to me that i forgot i've left others behind, but that still doesnt make me a double-headed snake.

sigh, sometimes i really do wish i'm dealing with guys instead of girls. at least guys will just throw everything out instead of keeping it inside them until they explode.

it sucks to be misunderstood.

the pain lingers
whenever i see something that reminds me of you
but who am i to complain
if it hurts for me
it must hurt for you a thousand times more

compartmentalisation helps to cordon off the emotions
but does the incapability to feel
makes me little more than a robot?
or should i allow myself to be a human
and feel for what this relationship is worth

this is what happens when i have too much time, i think too much, and then i blog too much

random

and damn, now is the time to visit the states manz, with the US dollar falling. hehe..so terence, i owe you less money than i actually did a month ago. :p

trying to meet up with friends i havent met up for a while. met andre and marvin at bala than zouk on fri, zx yesterday, and probably some more next week if possible, but schedule looks set to be tight. work is okay. i havent learn enough for work to reach the stage that it could be stressful. i think it's time i buck up and stop relying on other people for my own progress. if i want to know something, i got to FIND the answers for myself. i absolutely loathe this sort of dependence and having to be babysit-ed. one day...i'll be at the giving end instead of the receiving end.

plagued with doubts, but who wouldnt be? perhaps it might be a little too soon for it, but i cant stop my mind from churning. like a marriage that a man would occasionally asked himself whether he married the right woman, you know you love her but you wonder whether life could have been better if you had married someone else.

how much is enough

was reading this article on the sunday times.

'wealth means different things to different people. to some, it is simply being financially secure, or living a rich and rewarding life. to others, it means having all the material trappings of success that the modern world offers, or being termed a billionaires simply because one has a billion dollars.

society is now wealthier than ever, providing an array of choices that were not available to earlier generations. the opportunities to lie an authentic life, on one's own terms, are unprecedented. yet the evidence is that, as society grows richer, people are not becoming any happier.'

and so i believe the saddest thing about life is not having NO money, but having TOO MUCH money but not knowing how to spend it. most people spend 2/3 of their lives trying to be rich. when the art of spending, the value of money is lost on you, then what other goal in life could you have?

a semi-cloudy sunday spent at home. think i got to tone down a little after my spending spree with zixuan yesterday. spent a BOMB haha. alrigggghty..i shall...

1. watch entourage today
2. read my book, freakonomics
3. try not to fall asleep.

am i cursed or what
now i'm having stomach flu
the pain comes and goes, so i cant decide whether to stay in office or go home
sigh

i dun wanna be a murderer

'i have nothing left to give you.'

i shall walk away, before i suck you dry
or have i already did?

Unfaithful
by Rihanna

Story of my life
Searching for the right
But it keeps avoiding me
Sorrow in my soul
Cause it seems that wrong
Really loves my company

He's more than a man
And this is more than love
The reason that the sky is blue
But clouds are rolling in
Because I'm gone again
And to him I just can't be true

And I know that he knows I'm unfaithful
And it kills him inside
To know that I am happy with some other guy
I can see him dying

I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna be the reason why
Everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside
I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be...
A murderer

I feel it in the air
As I'm doing my hair
Preparing for another date
A kiss upon my cheek
As he reluctantly
Asks if I'm gonna be out late
I say I won't be long
Just hanging with the girls
A lie I didn't have to tell
Because we both know
Where I'm about to go
And we know it very well

Cause I know that he knows I'm unfaithful
And it kills him inside
To know that I am happy with some other guy
I can see him dying

I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna be the reason why
Everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside
I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be...
A murderer

Our love, his trust
I might as well take a gun and put it to his head
Get it over with
I don't wanna do this
Anymore

i'm having this awful sore throat again!! grrr....heaty heaty me. yet another day at work, 30 more mins! lalala..

no fun anymore

into my 3rd week of work, and am given slightly more responsibilities than before. i found that i actually like getting work done and being organised.

the strange thing is, the more alcohol there is available, the less i feel like drinking. i drink very little at work, where alcohol is almost free flow. i always think...'what's the point really?'. get yourself so damn high and drunk and what do you stand to gain at the end of the day? getting taken advantage by others? acting like a clown for others' entertainment? others would argue that well well since you're out then you might as well let your hair down, drink and have fun. but must you drink damn a lot to have fun??

somehow there's a total switch of mentality when i club for work, and when i club with friends.

i only feel like drinking when there's someone attractive around, then at least there's a desire for inhibition.

i'm interacting more and more with the older crowd, very common in my line of work. i see those who are catching up on their age, but still energetic. on the contrary, i'm young but jaded.

i cant help but feel, i'm no fun anymore.

and also, i know this may sound ungrateful, but i've had so much good food over the past few days, that all i'm really craving for now is a bowl of laksa.

recharging

we were back from kl last evening. albeit the fatigue, i am glad to say we had loads of fun! i may not have done that much work when i was there, cos i'm still at the learning curve of my job, but somehow travelling, regardless of distance, always saps one's energy. i was positively drained yesterday, but i amazed myself with my stamina. was at pub, watching pool games, listening to others sing, and trying hard not to fall asleep.

started off this sunday morning by dragging myself out of bed once again to give tuition. reluctant i was, for it was raining cats and dogs this morning! sigh but for the sake of my dearest tutee, whose N levels is in 10 days' time, i pushed on. it's not abt the money anymore eh, it's abt genuine concern and responsibility. makes me feel a deep sense of pride when i know her prelim results improved. :) *proud*

mid autumn festival lights at clarke quay

i've forgotten when was the last time i held a lit lantern

the twin towers of KL through the car window

and just a random photo taken at the grand canyon. from my partner who is experiencing the same wave of loneliness as i do: watch that lonely back..

at the air port now to kl. damn flight is at the insane hours in the morning and hence i had to get up at 4am! wonder how i'm gonna survive the rest of the day. umm..back on sat afternoon.

lost weekend

was so so sick today that i had difficulty even trying to climb out of bed in the morning. what a horrible feeling that was! down with fever, sore throat and a spinning head, it felt like a very bad hangover, except it wasnt a hangover. i think my immune system is really getting weaker, plus with the lack of rest, i'm falling sick easily. heard my area, specificially bukit batok east ave 3, has one of the most no. of cases of dengue fever. sheesh, but no la i dont have dengue la haha. must be the bbq food from last night...

damn! i just wasted my sunday!

met up with my bestest rgs pals at dempsey on sat. this time besides zhaoqi and teresa, amanda and rach were present too. the only missing one was sarah tan! i'm always a happy person when i'm with my old friends..

the world is my school

i'm back from my first working trip and am feeling drained of every bit of energy in my body. just like what many of my working friends have told me before, travelling for work and travelling for leisure are two different worlds apart. bkk and hk are supposedly the few shopping paradises that singaporeans love, but believe it or not, i didnt have time to shop at all for this trip. alright there was an hour or so when i was at causeway bay and could probably shop but i was too tired to appreciate the crowds and boutiques. furthermore, hk is hot, hot, hot now! and very very hazy..the pollution is terrible. it's said to be caused by the pollution in southern china.

i've met an awfully lot of people.. i've learnt a lot too..thanks to my boss who taught me much. my real school, only begins now.

but sometimes i wish i dont know so much.. it seems that the more i know, the more cynical and skeptical i feel about this world, and the people in it. faced with the ugly truths of life, as much as i hate the cold hard reality of it, there's no other way out but to accept it. i hate that feeling of helplessness.

work leaves me with much lesser time for my social life than i would have liked. however the whole new subject which i have unwittingly ventured into remains fascinating to me.

and for now, i apologise to all i have neglected over the past few days.

my dearest colleagues: marie and michelle!

me and one of the thai boys we met at the club. cute eh!!

the view of hk

coming back on fri night instead, from hk..am at work now, and feeling really sleepy!

so many things i wish i could do, but there are so many things i dont know yet, and have yet to learn. i look forward to the day i look upon my work with greater understanding....

first day of work

tired tired tired!!

clubbing

clubbing at st james last night with zx, lawrence and jae was great! all of us were pretty high from all the booze at the end of the night. it was nothing like clubbing in vegas or new york, but it was still plenty of fun; as they all say, it's the company that matters!

and this is it to my last night of absolute freedom. gonna start my first real day of work tmr. sigh sigh!

Niagara falls

niagara falls/toronto was the last stop of my US trip, oh well excluding new york which i was stranded in for a day. yet another beautiful place to add on to my memories.

reaching niagara falls in the morning after a 6 hour ride from philly. whoa, though i wasnt the one driving, i was accompanying bernard for 2/3 of the journey. boy am i sick of road trips now!

beautiful...rainbows can be seen everyday (except at night la)! rainbows are freeeee!

double rainbows..where is the pot of gold?

there's soo much water you would think water is free........where did all these water come from??

that's the rainbow bridge..is it? that joins the american falls to the canadian falls

imagine falling over the edge..

taking the mist of the maid, a yacht that will bring us really close to the falls and underneath the mist. all of us had to wear ponchos so that our clothes wont get wet from the mist.

on the maid of the mist

the BIG BIG mist from the falls. it felt like standing underneath a heavy shower when we were in th mist.

me and jens in ponchos again, going for the cave of the winds, another tour which allows us to walk really really close to the falls and even touch the water. we were soaking wet when we came to the 'hurricane deck', which had us standing almost directly below the fall, with the water splashing down! quite a scary sight really..but the water was so strong that i couldnt open my eyes fully. was afraid my contact lenses would get washed away too.

can you see those little dots of yellow? that's us!

me with my hair wet after the cave of the winds.

the 5 of us, terence the photographer

going to the winery...

this place supposedly makes the best ice wine in the world!

standing amidst rows and rows of ice wine grapes..

wine tasting

the niagara falls at the canadian side looked a little like universal studios cum vegas combined. it was bright lights and all.

it was a sunday, very crowded..

me and jens

the falls at night, all lit up in multiple colours, unforunately it was almost impossible to get a good shot because of the strong mist. the lens got all wet and everything.

we also managed to catch the fireworks over the niagara falls. this was the 3rd fireworks display i've watched in US and 5th one i've seen this year. haha..still nice i guess..