Disorientation

I'm feeling rather disoriented these days. It seemed as if I'm working in the way I wait for each day to go by, doing what is required of me, not overachieving, not anticipating, no expectations of myself or whatsoever...

I'm just waiting, and I don't know for what...

It's like I'm in some kind of trance, some kind of transit mode, and I'm patiently waiting for myself to wake up and move on with my life. I'm frozen.

A carefree life; a high achiever - are they mutually exclusive? I posted this question my facebook.

Most people talked about striking a balance. But to me this is entirely a see-saw question. You can only tilt either way, not both ways. To strike a balance, it means you're reasonably balanced on both ends, neither superior in either.

Then brings the question: what do you consider a high achiever? Is it wealth? Power? Or perhaps, bringing up your children well - this was of course brought up by Eve.

Most people would by default, consider it the former. A high achiever is commonly associated with materialistic accomplishments.

If I've travelled to more countries in the world than anyone else, am I a high achiever?

If I can speak 30 different foreign languages, am I a high achiever?

If I have done much charity and helped mankind, am I a high achiever?

If I am a great pianist and bring joy to others with my music, am I high achiever?

Back to my very first question, unfortunately, or fortunately, I would choose a happy/carefree life over any form of wealth. Maybe that would mean I could never go far, who knows, but hey, what's the point of having so much if you don't enjoy it?

I'm also rather disillusioned about love, marriage and having children recently. I do not believe in forever love. How do you keep to ONE person all your life with all the temptations out there? How can you promise your love will not diminish with time and age? HOW?

When you live with someone and see this someone every DAY and NIGHT, where do you find time for yourself? Where do you find your own personal space? How do you have your own life, separate from his?

Why would anyone want to have kids? When you've children, you lose yourself, your life. You are not about you anymore, you are your child. It takes over you, it takes over your life. I'm afraid of losing ME.

I'm honestly thinking too much these days.