clubbing

after the clubbing session at o bar..


the gay brothers


fulin and me


a bunch of drunkards


shoonie and me: yay my tongue is longer

cessation

a needle piercing through the heart. a chill passing through like an electric current. i've always known, havent i. all this while, i have never denied myself of the cold, bloody cold truth. i have never pretended the earth was beautiful and flowery when it looked grey and dreary. it just took me more time to come to the realisation. like lightning struck, unexpected, fast and furious, i've always known, but i only really knew now.

since you couldnt make up your mind, i have to.

i quit.

杨丞琳 - 暧昧

只能陪你到这里 毕竟有些事不可以
超过了友情 还不到爱情
远方就要下雨的风景

到底该不该哭泣 想太多是我还是你
我很不服气 也开始怀疑眼前的人
是不是同一个真实的你

暧昧让人受尽委屈 找不到相爱的证据
何时该前进 何时该放弃
连拥抱都没有勇气

暧昧让人变得贪心 直到等待失去意义
无奈我和你 写不出结局
放遗憾的美丽 停在这里

hmm my fav song at the moment.. jas's too.. haha.. we both need to get a life.

those were the days

proud to announce i won $16 from last night's mahjong session!! hehe. i managed to win twice in a row with 5 tais..so lucky eh!!

met up with josh and william, two people i havent really spoken properly to for a really long time. they reminded me of my teenagehood. the young nutty girl i was in the past, the bold girl who stopped at almost nothing just to have her supposed fun. the sunny weekends we spent at sicc with kenny, joel, suanne and gang, swimming, playing squash, playing tennis.. the afternoons we spent after school at rangers playing pool, me donned in my blueblack pinafore and white blouse, and of course when i had my cropped hair.. the childish days they spent getting into trouble fighting with each other over...i dont know.. guys can fight over anything and everything. the foolish days when joining gangs was the in thing. the dark days the first ciggie was lit. the giddy days we discovered the allure of intoxication.

and of it all, the days we founded undying friendships, friendships that can be forsaken by neither time nor distance.

torn between what the heart desires, and what the mind says...

do you do what is right, or what you want?

what if there isn't a right or wrong? do you go on doing what you know will eventually hurt you, or would you rather harden and say no before it reaches unbearable standards?

little strings of longing tugging at my heart, yet at the same time some obscure corner of it are red lights flashing furiously, admonishing me of the consequences that await.

i think i've got greater affinity with the devil's perspective.

courting trouble.

oh yes..do get well soon..

home

so wassup with today? another emotional outburst. a jolt out of equilibrium, and then gradually reverting back to normality again. i blame myself for my lack of resolve. but i know..that's because i haven't seen a stronger reason.. or perhaps i'm just out of my mind. i love being sadistic. i love inflicting pain on myself. it's like knowing the path will eventually lead to a dead end, but yet still perversely making up your mind to follow it.

*waHAHAha* alright i'm really starting to scare even myself.

never mind. ignore that please.

all is fine. i'm home.

i'm home, with my darling sis, who is bugging my mum for a mp3 player.. back with my dear mum, who reiterated for the zillionth time that she has NO money cos she has to pay for my hall fees, my bro's allowance, my allowance, my sis's allowance..blah blah blah. and yes she announced that she is going shopping with my dad tmr. my dad insisted on that because he thinks all the clothes my mum has are crap. *raise eyebrow* dad..not that i want to say ah..but ur fashion sense isnt very commendable also.. lala..anyway how sweet is that.. mum and dad out on a date.. whoo hoo.

torn between the confronting facts, and my yelling emotions.

in the midst of the most deranged of situations, i have only my instincts to trust.

take me, take me away to a safe haven, away from chaos and confusions.

for all i wish for, is a peace of mind.

you made me believe there was something more, when in actual fact, it was nothing more than a whiff of cool air.

and that's what that hurts most.

the smartie pants from rgs..(excluding me of cos!)..dinner at fish and co.

Love is not about how good looking or cute he is.
Love is not about how smart or how witty he is.
Love is not about how much money he has or whether he has a car.
Love is not about the sweet or romantic things he does for you.

Love is all of that, and none of that.
Love is indefinable.

the simple things in life

feelings of discomfit were churning in my stomach. my mind seemed to have lost its focus..words were blurring and when they werent, they didnt make sense. it was weird for me. and that sensation was remote. havent i already mastered the art of acting nonchalant even in the most awkward of situations? in the first place, do i even really care that much?

perhaps i do, just that i dont know it.

perhaps i do, just that i dont want to believe it.

i just wanted to disappear. perhaps eternal sunshine of a spotless mind could really come in of some use now.

---
met up with my rgs buddies. had dinner at fish and co, and though i was already down to my last penny, i dont think i should give this a miss. rachel is going back to imperial on thurs, zhao qi back to cambridge on thurs. the next time we meet will be a few months from today again.

we caught up with each other's lives. rachel is still with zhigao after 3 yrs..or has it been longer than that? to that, i can only express envy.. we asked her whether she still feel that spark for him after all this while, and she said yes. but perhaps that was brought about by long times and distances apart. nonetheless, she is still deeply in love with him...

she is the reason why i still believe in true love.

teresa looks almost anorexic..think she has been studying too hard! anyway i fed them with my 'exciting' love stories again. she said her life has been smooth sailing so far, no ups, but no downs either. it's boring but hey at least the sad moments are minimised as well. whereas my life has always been one hell of a rollar coaster ride. but i said..that makes me a rather sad person sometimes. sometimes looking back at what i've been through, it makes me sad.

"are all the heartaches worth it?" she asked. i wondered about that myself too.. i admit there were occasions when i was the one inflicting pain on others. but hey seriously life is fair, it's not as if i havent felt pain before. isnt that life, you take some, you give some..

sarah, rachel and i went to breko for some drinks after that. had a nice long chat. it felt so good just sitting there and chatting about everything and anything under the sun.. i'm so glad i've such great girl buddies.. :)

you just don't know that's all, because i refused to let you see.

fine fine day

finally the long awaited hols are here. while my gfs are happily enjoying themselves in bangkok, i'm stuck in hall with heaps of tutorials to complete, tests to study for, notes to read, projects to begin on.. sigh..hope the girls are fine and well, happily tramping around on foreign grounds.

played mahjong last night with mark and friends. managed to lose $1 only in the end. ha ha. cheap thrill manz.

hmm *takes in a deep breath*..today looks like a fine sunny day.. have this craze to shop!

mundane

ok let's give this a try. an ordinary unsad post.

nothing eventful today. i've been really clumsy lately. i dropped my phone about a zillion times. glad that nokia phones durable to withstand so many tragic falls. i fell into in drain, got a bloody toe, and scratches on my knee and thigh. i've been dripping water all over my notes, causing ugly smudges here and there. a sore for the eyes. i left my cashcard in the reader and someone else took it already when i realised what happened. i pulled my bra strap too hard and the hook broke. i lost one of my hook earrings.

sigh. damn. other than that, i'm fine.

mambo last night was pretty fun. but the aftermath wasnt. woke up this morning with a screaming head. so tempted to fall into lala-land, except i had a test at 10am. dragged myself out of bed and stood under the shower for 20 mins. water therapy. it worked eh. i didnt even feel that tired anymore. i thought i did badly for the test, turned out, i did average. got the same score as terence. he was so mad that i was the one who went clubbing but we ended up getting the same results. haha. life isnt fair ya terence.. =X

i have a whole lot of work due tomorrow:
1. memorise jap dialogue
2. do lsm 2102 online assignment
3. do biostats tutorial
4. do film and hist project

i seem to be slimming down. people have been asking me whether sch has been too stressful for me cos my face looks thinner...is it? i do feel thinner too. but not cos of stress, cos i've been skipping lunch too frequently.

ever since i changed my primary pic on friendster 2 days ago, i've been receiving quite a few messages from strangers. the same old stuff.. "want to make friends?" that kind of thing.. "add me on msn eh." should i reply? seriously i'm too lazy to. too lazy to even click on their pages to check them out. oh well. see how my mood goes.

small things happening these days seem to be evoking a lot of strong emotions in me. i'm becoming so.. vulnerable. what is wrong me man? i should to be able to take things a lot easier.

it's times like this, that i feel like going home.

sinking

just came back from a freaking long day of lessons. 10am to 6pm.. with a break in the afternoon for lunch. tired, not physically but mentally. bombarded with a whole bunch of new, irrational looking biostatistic formulas and abstract descriptions on how RNA polymerases transcribes..

i've been feeling lost these days.. not difficult to tell if you've been following my entries.. but now i seem to be sinking even deeper.. for reasons that elude even myself. perhaps it's a natural emotion following such incident. perhaps it's just me, myself and my life. perhaps it's just all inside this mind of a clueless girl, walking around aimlessly, following the crowd, going about with the activities of everyday life.. unsure who she is, unsure of what she wants, unsure of who are those that matters most to her, unsure of what that matters most to her, unsure of who her real friends are...

i'm depressed. but ya, even at this state, i understand that it is a fleeting moment. it'll pass.

During lect last night, we watched a movie - Eternal sunshine of a spotless mind..it talks about a couple who broke up and were so deeply hurt that they had the moments they spent together erased from their memories. after the treatment, none of them can remember each other. however when they met again, they fell in love all over again. romantic isnt it?

if the option of erasing your memories is available..would you do it?

sometimes i think i just wanna be left alone. other times, i wish i have so many friends around me that i forget that i'm depressed.

my bad

sometimes things just get harder when you're alone. i've been forcing myself not to read my life backwards..time only moves ahead, so just flow along..look in front and progress. i've made many mistakes in my life. this time i see it clearly, black and white. i realised that previous times when i said i've seen the light, i didnt actually.. i just thought i had. i never meant for a lot of things to happen, but my ignorance, my stubborness, my immaturity only caused me a lesson learnt painfully, in the expense of myself..and even more so in the expense of others.. i'm sorry. i'm dreadfully, terribly, impossibly sorry. hard to spare one moment without feeling the pangs of gulit built up in my heart. unless, if only, i cease to think. i selfishly pretend that i'm momentarily suffering from amnesia.

can i ever redeem myself...

love is so fragile

it's 9.30 in the morning and it's raining outside. the perfect weather to go back into lala-land. it seems to be the breaking up season these days.. couples around me are breaking up one by one..some are still unfortunately trapped in the grey zone..some have decided to give another go at it..some are certain about what they want, and hence has ruthlessly bid farewell...

couples who i once thought were matches made in heaven. in every way possible.. looks, intellect, personality, interests.. and conclusion? tearless goodbyes..

when you see an old couple walking down the streets hand in hand, what do you really see..? can you see the problems and obstacles they have had to overcome to achieve the famous prophecy "..and they live happily ever after.."....

i cant help but feel that...love is so fragile...one years, two years, three years..and in the end it takes just so little to say "i've had enough."

i need some understanding..

why do i feel so lonely all of a sudden...
losing track of who i am...
feeling lost...
:(

ermz..the guys 'lamp-posting' jianhang...gross..

my og

family pic on the bridge

the five seniors slacking

sometimes

celebrated jianhang's birthday last night. had a bbq at ben's place. it was greaat.. it was so much fun.. it's times like this that make me feel glad that i'm in nus.. my og is a nice bunch of people...like really geniunely nice.. i was just thinking... what would have been different if this was an arts orientation group instead of science.. there would probably be smokers in the group, girls who out tonnes of make up, people who club and drink more often, more slackers.. these are people i supposedly associate more with..and whom people will think would fit more into my definition of fun. not entirely untrue..because i do have many friends who are like that. but..sometimes..it feels good just to be in the company of normal people. good boys and girls who arent obsessed with their appearances, who study, who dont club or smoke...who are more guai in a sense. makes me feel that.. you can be normal and happy at the same time. you can be not happening, and yet still happy..

i realised i really do have a lot of friends who smoked. sometimes when one is the odd one out in the group, you would feel that you're wrong, and they are all right.. which i do acknowledged as bullshit.. but sometimes.. just sometimes..i feel this tiniest twinge of..desire to belong, and be part of them. perhaps once upon a time, i would have given in to temptation. but right now..i'm beyond peer pressure. there are things in life which are more important than having to be like them..like upholding my own principles.

i've been pretty detached from hall recently, minding my own affairs, keeping to my own group of friends, trying to put in more efforts in my studies. things are unlike last year, when i stepped in as a freshie. making friends isnt that important to me anymore..neither is being involved in hall activities..is this..being jaded? i dont know.. sometimes, things just lose its significance, as one grows up. perhaps right now, i want something else in life..

my dearr

sultry? picture taken by mr andre teo, the great aspiring, thinks-he-has-a-lot-of-potential photographer.. who was sooo kind to give me the honour to have dinner with him one fine friday night. happy?? hehe.

hmm what else you want me to say.. you also never let me copy your work when both of us were in rj.. hmm..ok lar..thanks for your listening ear all this while since i've known you.. :)

fortune

sometimes i realised how fortunate i am.. to have such a great bf, who was so sweet to climb out of bed early in the morning to send me to school, who went down to his last penny spending most of his money buying lovely shirts, lip balm and cutsy purse for me, who loves me to bits... thank you my dear. :)

and also thanks to my fellow lect mates, who always willingly let me freeload off them (hehehe), who bought me spinelli caramel latte out of their own initative..

optimism

optimism. i think it's the most important quality you have to have in life. i think if i wasnt a person as optimistic as i think i am, i would have died of disappointment by now. there were many times which i failed to get something i really want, but nobody really knows how disappointed i was because i hid my feelings. which is ideal, cos i hid it precisely so that no one would think that i'm sad, and come forward to comfrot me. i think i'm my own best consoler. ok maybe not all the time lar, but most of the times, there seemed to be two people inside me. one dying, the other telling me to buck up and that things are never as bad as i make them out to be. one at pit bottom, the other showed the light admist the darkness.

ym disfigured

the below pics are taken courtesy of andre teo!


smileeey


pouts


AHAHAHA...andre the bear!!


miss bunny tay


me smooching me..ahh the desired effect didnt come out right


the most yucky picture of all!! EEEEk!!

my answer

haha hey peeps,

trust me, i'm not the sort of girl who sits around and brood, waiting for things to fall down from heaven to me. yeaps, i've been lost, lost for a long long long long time..the people i envy most are those who know what they want a long time ago and they just have to go through life as they have planned. if you know what you want, it's easy to go all out to achieve it isnt it.. i wish i'm like that. someone with a fixed goal in life. someone who isnt so fickle and unsure, someone whose goals dont change constantly.. i've been thinking. thinking real hard since i left rj. WHAT ON EARTH DO YOU WANT in LIFE TAY YIMING?? i admit, i wish the answer could just drop from sky to me one fine day.. but i seriously havent been idling around, i've been doing a lot of things, trying to make myself realise what is it i want.. but some things just cant be forced.

things have been easy for me in life. it wasnt hard to get into rgs from nyps, neither was it any difficult to enter rj from rg, or nus from rj.. a well paved road it has been.. the admission tickets were merely academic results. oh how many As i've scored..oh big deal. i've finally come to the end of the road, alright not yet but pretty soon.. i guess i'm just scared.. not scared of anyone, or anything, but rather i'm afraid that i wont live up to my own expectations.

oh well..from an optimistic point of view, i'm still young right, i still have a few more yrs to go before i graduate. someone once told me that, life always manages to straighten itself for me ultimately. the answer will come one day.

crisis

arg. i'm undergoing a period of low self-esteem. these days, more often than not, i feel UGLY, STUPID and BROKE. ugly because..arg shallnt explain. stupid because i've got work piling up and i am having difficulty understanding them. plus the fact that i'm taking biostats this sem but i have no calculator in hall..so how am i going to do my tutorials?? ok so i tried using excel to calculate..was ok for some qn, not ok for others, somehow something screwed up and my answers turned out all different. also, i have NO TBS. it's pretty amazing to some people how i could possibly manage withbout purchasing a single tb so far in my nus life. but..oh well..if you never had one, you definitely can live without it. but right now.....

mum was telling me i should be doing much better in sch than what my results have reflected. afterall i'm from rj right..and i was a pretty good student then too..hmMM..ya i was, at least in j2 la, when i managed to catch up on my work. but right now i seemed to have lost it. lost IT. the IT to study and work hard and get good results. from my own analysis, i think the prob lies with the fact that there isn't any motivation, or reason for me to work hard. in jc, it was important to work hard for A levels so i would get into a good uni. but so what, so what if i did well in As, i still end up in NUS like everyone else. and i could do that easily with not-so-good grades as well. so WHAT'S the POINT of studying so hard in rj?? of course one reason is..to meet up to my own self expectations.. but.. HAIZ. whatever. i'm still stuck in NUS.

my identity

sometimes i dunno who i am. sometimes i dunno who i want to be. sometimes i dunno whether i should be who i am or be who i want to be. sometimes i dunno whether i like myself. sometimes i dunno whether i should like myself for who i am or hate myself because i'm not who i want to be.

recently i've lost track of who i am and who i want to be. should i learn to tell myself it's ok that i'm like that..because..that's who i am..and not fret..or should i chase after the rainbow of that dream girl in my heart..

zoukies!

out on a shopping trip..poor dear had to tag along with me, my mum and sis..

the meaning of sorrow

let me close one chapter of my life and start all over again. pour my energies into studies and focus on the more important things in life. be good to the one who loves me most and who is there to protect me as a guardian angel would. stop clubbing so intensively..for clubbing has certainly lost its meaning.. cry one last time, dry one last tear..and tramp on bravely.. the future holds its mysteries, so just leave anticipations alone.

总之就是要往前看,往前走...回亿是留给晚上,睡觉前,才把它拿出来,偷偷地想..

no more tears. just no more.

i'm a selfish bitch who doesnt deserve to be loved. hope you understand that it's breaking my heart as much as it's breaking yours. it ain't easy for me.. i just want to be fair.

enough

i feel like shit now. think i got a sore throat, i have to drink water every minute to wet my parched dry lips, and what is the result? i want to pee all the time. sigh. no one to blame except myself. clubbing 2 nights in a row has certainly taken its toll on me. lack of sleep. alcohol is dehydrating. not that i really drank a lot.. shared a flaming lambo with manda last night during one for one, and got another one free cos i waited damn long for my card to be returned to me, and the bartender decided to compensate me by giving me 2 more flamings. yay. speaking of which, i think i lost debit card. dammit. i havent even reported the loss, since the money in my account is too insignificant. arghh..i'm always losing stuff.

i really think my threshold for drinking has increased. i know. some people whom i used to go clubbing with last time will laugh manz..cos i was always getting wasted.. but NOW.. i think it's pretty difficult to get me drunk.. high yes.. but drunk? nah nah.

met up with dear today. we caught the movie Must Love Dogs. Aiya. nothing fantastic. so-so only. dont think it's worth the 8 bucks we paid. oh well. whatever.

better to have loved and lost than never love before? would you rather experience the cloud nine feeling of ecstasy when falling in love and the pains of heartbreak, or.. simply just nothing at all..no thrills but no tears too..

in my room

club hoppin'

we had one hell of a time last night! first i went chinablack with liwern cos it was her friend's party. but it was really boring..thin crowd, no one was dancing at that time yet, they were just playing pop music. we left after a while cos we were so bored. liz joined us later on after making a futile trip back home to change into heels instead of the slippers she was wearing.

me and liz went on to coco latte while liwern went momo to look for her friends. it was supposed to be a private party at coco, so i wasnt expecting so many unfamiliar faces. but since there were like 6 guys organising it, and each of them probably asked a lot of their friends, n their friends probably asked their friends..blah blah.. the number is nothing surprising. we had soo much funn there! it has been so long since i really danced..

met many of my friends last night, managed to catch up with a few, made several new friends too..it's amazing how small the world is, it seems everyone is connected in some way. met this rj guy from my batch..and he said he thought i was a chinese scholar when he saw me in rj.. WHAT THE?!!? he said it was my fair complexion and china scholars always have this pretty face.. ok.. i'm totally ok with the pretty face part.. BUT.. manz.. me a china scholar.. *INSULTEd* hah...

our inital plan was to do dxo after that for temasek hall bash but we were having so much fun at coco that we didnt want to leave. didnt really drink that much on the whole, although crazy liz kept buying glasses and glasses of champagne.

free

first day of school. first lect of the day. nothing really worth mentioning. was delighted to see so many familiar faces, the first belonging to my dear freshies. it's heart warming to see that they have bonded so well together, having breakfast tgr, having lects tgr, going orchard tgr after sch. :) a tinge of regret too, for i didnt joined sow last yr, or even if i had, sow last year was definitely uncomparable to this yr's. cheers to ever lasting friendships.

alone in hall now. afternoon sun pours in. not too sunny. light breeze. take in a deep breath..it feels good.. my own space..my private space..no one to disrupt this tranquility surrounding me. if only life would stay this way. always peaceful, always quiet..free of troubles, free from complications, free without worries..if only..

breaking camp

sow has ended..sob sob..it was awesome..


our sadako with the other terror banners: exorcist and hannibal


everyone nicely dressed up for the freshmen inauguration ceremony


hongzhong baiban facai ah!! mahjong craze all night. at the table behind, sean has already concussed.


happy birthday to paul..


the youngest member of our group..paul turned 19 on this fateful day and was tortured by his fellow og mates with army camo cream.


parading the 'pretty' boy


secret pal. blind men talking.


speed dating


seniors in blue were pulled reluctantly into the game..it gets really boring after a while


playing the game 'mobile phone'..


hmm..how come the guys look so happy carrying the girls huh..


my 3 very cheeky freshies: they were chatting with me simultaneously, bluffing me that each of them were still at home and we were all late.. 10 mins later, they sent me this photo, n that was when i realised they were all in sch already and i was the only one late.


jumping jacks


the guys really have nothing better to do..


many many sadakos


science float n rag dance


science float


tongues and lips stained black from eating this sweet

double victory

whoo hoo. yesterday was NUS rag day. if you guys dont already know, let me make a short explanation. flag day is a day when you see all NUS students from each fac or hall out in full force, begging for donations all over singapore, to raise money for 20 beneficiaries. rag day a day supposedly to thank those people for their contributions (but i dont see how that's being done). it's like a chingay parade..each hall and fac will showcase their float, a structure made from recycled materials only, and perform a dance.

i used to think rag was stupid and a waste of time. but now i've seen light. months and months of hard work are put into the making of the float, takes skill and lots of brainwork..it's like when you see some of the floats, you'll start thinking.."how on earth did they manage to do that??". *impressed impressed* and oh..it's a fantastic chance to bond with people..funn manz..anyway it was double victory for me, cos both science and eusoff won the chancellor's shield, meaning we were the overall champions.. YAY!!! i'm so proud of my fac and my hall!! not so much for eusoff..cos..urps..it's not surprising that we won..but for sci!! cos the committee worked really hard this year and it's the first time that we won.. :)

i was dying during rag though.. so DAMN hot and everything was progressing at snail's pace..plus i didnt sleep the previous night.. i was falling asleep watching some of the performances. dying manz.. i'm a black charcoal now.

school starting on monday. OH NO! taking less heavy core modules now..no labs for this sem, but that means dying for the next sem. taking film and history, and japanese as my elective modules. jap is 7 hours a week!!

bloodsucker

my bloody hands

flag day

flag day. boring flag day. my og was stationed at toa payoh, good location cos it was like damn crowded at all times of the day, but competition was stiff because there were so many NUS people from different facs and halls already there. the market was saturated! we dominated the entire place with our yellow tees and bombarded everyone for donations. i spent the morning stoning at macs with my fellow seniors, shaking our legs, chit chatting, playing stupid games like black magic..our duty was just to take care of the freshies and make sure they're ok. quite a waste of time huh. in the end i did an hour of flagging though, after meeting fabian and he was sounded rather passionate when he asked me to flag for hall.. oh well. i guess at the end of the day i still feel more for my hall than for my faculty.

actually i have never felt much for science fac..until now that i'm in S.O.W. (sci orientation week), and got to know so many many more sci people. come to think it, i rarely interact with my fac people except my sci pageant friends.. yea..thought they were boring, and too guai for my liking.. actually..i believe i am still right about them haha. but then..they are still nice people, and good company. sow has made me feel closer to my fac, rather than it being just something i happen to belong to cos i study life sci.

hmm..why am i referring to them as they..i'm 'they' also.. hmm..okok..WE..

science orientation

my wonderful orientation group!


solemn.. (except for one joker..:X)


crazyy!!


me and sean..and a row of goodie bags in front of us..feeling sian after packing them..


dinner at crystal jade

my sunday

me wearing dear's mega big jersey..ahha..got bball sey or not?? hahaha..


me and dear..on the bus to town


outside taka..


dinner at pepper lunch..it's a new restaurant located opposite yoshinoya in taka. nicey..the food there is good..about $10 each set..


cut beef and chicken set..yummies..