the conclusion

finally. we talked last night, over msn, and cleared several things up. i could easily verify whether what he told me was lies or the truth, but i realised, some things just dont matter anymore.. i was dying to give him another chance, dying to say,"let's start everything all over again." but i was more clearheaded and rational then. perhaps they didnt really do anything at his place, but somehow the fact that they might have done something has knocked some sense into me, hardened my heart and let me see everything in a clearer light.

true enough he might still love me, but sometimes love ain't enough.. he is not ready yet, and i'm pretty sure he doesnt see that. i only hope one day the juntian i know will be a different one from now. we are still friends, and i dun hate him. i've never been capable of hatred. ha good or bad i dont know.

anyway i'm going to concentrate on the more important things in life, and that is studies for now. have a test a few hours later, and i feel ill prepared for it after everything that has been happening these days..

the sky is really grey outside.. wind blowing, trees swaying..going to rain.. it's exactly how i'm feeling inside.. grey.. grey.. despite seeming so strong these days, my heart inside is grey..n gloomy..n bleak... i'm all alone...standing in the wide desert, helpless...

unexplainable grief..

now that the sun has set.. and he has gone offline.. i'm letting my defenses down.. ok he is calling me now, so i cant exactly let it down yet, guess i'll put my phone on silence.. i wonder if he understood how much he is hurting me.. how much it hurts when he showed me love n concern, yet is so determined that we should be friends.. how he makes me feel loved, yet so miserable.. does he know.. does he know.. does he know how much tears i've shed.. does he know it's killing me inside.. does he know how hurt i am.. no he doesnt..

his friends said he just want to have the best of both worlds.. i have refused to see it before, but the fact that he could totally ignore my sms in the afternoon have proven much. i havent shed a tear since hearing what he and her did. be strong girl.. SEE the point.. if he loves you, he wouldnt have gone out with her behind your back. if he loves you, he wouldnt have done those things with her. if he loves you, he wouldnt have bear to break up with you, n still did all those things he did.. :( if he loves you, he wouldnt have ignored your sms.. if he loves you, he wouldnt let you go through all these things...

oh no i going to start tearing again.. i'm so tired of being the strong person i'm trying so hard to be... i'm so tired.... i'm so so tired...

does anyone understand how i feel... does anyone understand.... it's killing me..

some things are just not worth it..

i'm just sorry i didnt see it earlier. i lived in self denial, so certain that my love for him would overcome everything. but now everything is clear, black and white. no more grey, no more confusion, no more doubts. i can condone many things, mind you, i think i do have a high tolerance, but one thing that i can never ever in my life excuse is infidelity. the act itself is self explanatory. obviously i have never been regarded as much in the eye of that person. obviously all i meant to him was nothing more than a puny ant, some thing to be taken for granted. no matter what he has told me before.. nothing is enough to atone for his sin.

the smoke has cleared, and i now see the path ahead of me, crisp and clear. like what many people have said, i deserve better. life hasn't been kind to me, but i should be kind of myself. i love him, but he has proven to be unworthy of my love. so i am going to move on with my life, and be a happier tay yiming.

mum just called. told me to sleep early tonight, drink more water and eat more fruits. she said i didnt had enough sleep, that's y my lips are so red, and i'm on the verge of falling sick.

a light in the bleak darkness. a little warmth in the freezing frost.

the meaning of pain..

joel said that when he was training in brunei, they were made to stay in the jungle 6 days without any food. he said that during these 4 days, the people he thought most about is his family. next came his friends, n then lastly jing, the girl he thought till today is the girl he would loved most in his lifetime. he said he realised a lot of things dun matter.. n all he wants to do now is to spend more time with his family.

mum said..did mum and dad not give me enough love? is that the reason why i'm constantly looking for love from other sources? her eyes seemed misty as she spoke.. pain.. no mum, that isn't the case.. i dont know why i'm like that..

i admit defeat..

there is a reason why books like "women are from mars and men are from jupiter" exist..(or is it the other way around? sth like that anyway..)

i am confused.. i need to sort out my thoughts. my mental well being is going haywire. i'm becoming cranky. i felt so hurt today that recalling it, i think it's ridiculous. how come i'm so vulnerable these days.. why do i get worked up and upset over things so easily these days? i seriously need to get a life.

i need to tell myself.. it's ok to be alone..

i need to focus on the more important things, like studying.

i need to some distraction, need to minimise reliance.. i need to love wisely.. a girl needs to protect herself..

take it easy girl.. guys are thick in the head. they dont understand waht girls want, even though you know it takes so little to make you happy.. but they just dont know.. sometimes the girls see it as that their bfs cant be bothered to pamper them that little..that their bfs dont love them anymore..but actually sometimes we girls are just taking things out of proportion.. two parallel lines won't meet, hence they will never understand each other..

the worse thing is..when i tried to hit the nail hard into his head..he is too thick to understand.

oh yes life is short..take things easy..

Lower expectations..

Now i truly understand what people meant when they say one is always more fortunate to find someone who loves you more than you love him.. When you love less, you expect lesser, and you're definitely more resilent to unthoughtfulness. less vulnerable..less likely to feel hurt..

Maybe it's not his problem.. maybe i just asked for too much.. maybe i'm too demanding.. maybe i've been too sticky.. maybe i'm the thoughtless one.. maybe maybe maybes..

small world

it's a small world out there. went zouk last night. when i was queuing up to use the toilet, i realised the girl standing in front of me was staring at me. Blatantly. It was soo obvious. I looked elsewhere cos I wasn't sure what she wanted. Then she suddenly said,"Hey are you __'s ex gf?" Then i was like,"Ya, how do u know me?" "i met you once with him at the nus bus stop remember?" ok i dont remember. turned out that she is his ex project mate, and she knew we have broken up from his nicks.

weird. we started chatting, in the tiny toilet. had quite a bit of time cos the queue was damn long and moving at snail pace. girls who have been to zouk should know, oh n guys who wait outside for the girl friends.

me - i think he hates me now.

her - it's ok lar. these things happen all the time. we are still young, i think we should play around while we are young. i think he is just bitter that u left him for another guy. i believe if he was the one who dumped u, he would get over and move on pretty fast also.

me - uh huh.. i suppose.. (i wasnt in a very chatty mood as u can see..)

her - he seemed to be pretty serious about you. but..aiya..you never know guys.. never know what will happen in future. maybe after a while they'll just get tired of you also..

....

ok we talked a lot more than that. but i cant remember haha. she said a lot of da dao li that caught me by surprise. i mean toilet isnt exactly the most conducive place for such talk. oh well...

i was bored in zouk. tay yiming is certainly becoming very not tay yiming. clubbing seemed to have lost its meaning.

sinful. ate 2 pieces of kfc chicken today. oily, crispy..once you start you can't stop.. just the thought of it makes my mouth water.. yumyum.. actually peeled off the skin cos it's the fattiest part.. but still ate a portion of it anyway.. come to think of it, people do things even though they know it's bad for them.. it's like smoking.. pple know it's detrimental to their health..but they just cant help themselves.. realised many of my gfs are smokers.. not hard core ones, social smokers.. haiz..

"i would rather spend one lifetime with you, than all the ages of time without you.. i choose a mortal life.." - lord of the rings

i realised i like to measure things.. but some things like love, can't be measured.. "you feed me porridge, i feed you satay", "you scratch my back, so i tickle your sole".. ok just stuff that i cook up at the spur of the moment.. you cant always take back what you give.. you shouldnt always judge how much to give from the amount you receive.. you cant always measure what you take or give.. that's the prob with me. i try to give as much as what the other party gives.. and not unconditionally.. it's a defensive stance! a balanced love.. but..does 'balanced love' exist? afraid of giving too much and finding it's all not worth it in the end.. afraid of giving too little and letting the other person feel unappreciated..

watching lord of the rings on tv now. dear stayed over at my place last night (in separate rooms!). we ate lunch at my place and went shopping in town. i wanted to shop but it ended up with him buying an adidas beanie and this sports magazine which featured the safsa guys during one of the matches. there was a photo of him! though it was rather tiny but it seemed as if a lot of friends were able to recognise him. i window shopped, but nothing really attracted me, or stimulated the impulse in me to spend my precious money! it's so weird, there are so many things i want to buy, but i have nothing specific in mind.. hmm mm..

lovely afternoon sun.. doubt my bf shared the same thought as me since he is already charcoal black. it was nice just walking along the streets of orchard, walking hand in hand with the boy i adore.. i felt truly relaxed then.. haha oh no i sound like a xin fu de xiao nu ren.

went back to his place later. he slept while i studied. i'm amazed at the number of hours he can sleep a day. i was acting a bit weird, like getting petty over tiny affairs. ok guys like to say they dont understand girls at times. true enough, sometimes i dont understand why i act the way i do. it's just..like that lor? no reason.. hmm i'm weird, girls are weird. as fabian likes to say "chu pattern liao". haha..

sexy masks

me and my partner robin

us looking glam in gowns

the babes in bikinis

amanda in her cowboy attire and xueling the army girl!

pillay in sarong!

jp in rgs pinafore, ruining my alma mater's reputation!

me and fabian

"As long as it's a decision that you wont regret, it's the right decision.. You don't have to care about other think..after all you're the one living the your life.."

heard it over radio.. thought was interesting..

EH dnd ended successfully yesterday. Nah didnt win anything, but oh well it was ok, it really doesnt matter that much. I had fun! Enjoyed myself. it was a good experience. formed better friendships. :)

there were 3 segments: 1. dance 2. catwalking in bikini 3. slow walk in gown followed by q&a. everything was fine i guess.. i liked my bikini, it is plain red. i like my gown too, light blue..halter.. everyone dressed up funnily last night. the c blockers dressed up in girls' schools' uniform which was real gross!! haha.. especially thomas in his puny scgs uniform. disgusting! but funny.. the A2 girls wore boys' schools' uniform. the A3 girls were greek gods, pretty pretty.. amanda, liwern etc wore black tops and army pants. the b4 guys were damn funky too, retro style i think. couldnt really see clearly from the stage. oh n yes the A4 guys in suit and boxers, the D4 guys in sarongs and singlets. looked damn crap lar..

it was a fun night. :)there were the jitters before appearing on stage, but the feeling that everything was over was damnn good... like.. suddenly i felt so so so relaxed..

oh ya took A LOT of pictures, but most of them are with the rest of them cos i didnt bring my camera along. will slowly upload them..

my dear looks good here!

taken outside zouk after my hall pageant bash

taken at my company's event

whoo hoo..tay yiming finally made it to her 9am tutorial! after skipping it for..3 weeks? haha.. damn slacker.. the class is unexpectedly small.. hmm where is everyone? anyway i've made a pact w myself.. i gonna study from now on! ok.. the point really is not abt making a pact, more about keeping it. hmm.. i will i will.. anyway my lappie has big prob. i had to reset it more than 10 times last night so that it could log onto the nus network. GRRR..

tired out from the day. today is pageant day. reached far east at 1pm to try heels, then to daniel yam at suntec for gowns, followed by heeren to choose bikinis. the fittings only ended at around 4 plus pm. the pageant girls went shopping at wisma after that. me and liz took a cab back to hall at 7pm, had dinner, and then had to rush off for dance practice at 8pm. dance practice until 10.30pm, catwalking until 11.45pm. OH MAN. YOU KNOw what is tired?

sigh..

saw a lot of nice clothes today in town!! really wish i have loads of money and can just go on a ultra shopping spree.

my wish list of clothes:
1. green short skirt at forever 21, but liz said they ran out of sizes xs and s already.
2. lingerie from la senza (sth like that) from suntec. they have nice bras and underwear! cute, colourful..
3. heels/shoes..from..anywhere..exodus? charles and keith? nothing really caught my eye but i really need a pair of decent flats.
4. i want to buy the bikini i tried on today. $50, after 20% discount = $40
5. orange top from mango - $55
6. had my eye on a lot of clothes..but i know i'm damnnnn brokeee...so..better not look too much at what i can't get...

i've been real listless lately. beginning to feel very anti social. what's wrong gal.. i just cant bring my energy level up.. i need some motivation in life, to take an interest in the impt things..like studies! and friends!

sigh..

amanda, fabian, me and liz

everyone is pageant

hall pageant photo shoot - casual wear

blahblah

lying on bed

anyway just to update a bit more, the bash went well. it was pretty fast, we danced, made to play some silly game with my partner. the guys were supposed to wear a big shirt, then the girls were to creep under the shirt and our hands and heads must come out from the respective holes in the shirts. then the girls had to bite lollipops and feed the guys. whoever finished the lollipop first would win. it's silly.

then there was the Q and A. nothing much. my question was "rough and wild or gentle and smooth". i won the miss popularity title cos my dearest bf spent $40 voting for me. how sweet of him.. :) i won a $120 body shop hamper, so it was worth it haha.

clubbing after that. fabian got drunk and puked all over the place. qilin had to send him back, while i followed jt back home. qilin was telling us about his sad love story. everyone has a story..

anyway just to update a bit more, the bash went well. it was pretty fast, we danced, made to play some silly game with my partner. the guys were supposed to wear a big shirt, then the girls were to creep under the shirt and our hands and heads must come out from the respective holes in the shirts. then the girls had to bite lollipops and feed the guys. whoever finished the lollipop first would win. it's silly.

then there was the Q and A. nothing much. my question was "rough and wild or gentle and smooth". i won the miss popularity title cos my dearest bf spent $40 voting for me. how sweet of him.. :) i won a $120 body shop hamper, so it was worth it haha.

clubbing after that. fabian got drunk and puked all over the place. qilin had to send him back, while i followed jt back home. qilin was telling us about his sad love story. everyone has a story..

it's bad day. ok nothing exactly bad happened. but i'm just damn sian of the day ahead. took more than an hour to get back to school from bedok dead early in the morning.. took a bus to bedok, then mrt.. i realised i forgot to scan my card when i entered, so i had to approach the man in the station control at clementi. reached clementi mrt at 10.30am, wanted to top up my farecard but somehow the transaction just couldnt be carried out. surprised, i checked the acc balance on my card and realised i only have $3.43 left. *BOMB* since when did i become so poor?? where did all the money go to? i only had $2 in cash, so i changed with the auntie selling newspaper for $2 in coins so i could take a bus back to nus. reached central lib at 10.50pm, photopcopied vietnamese notes from jas because for some unknown reasons, my dear's printer doesnt work and there is no more paper left in hall.

went for lesson. tutor asked me to read some dialodge and i made a mess out of it. seemed to have sth stuck in my throat and can't speak properly. lesson finished in an hour's time, thankfully. bought an iced milo from the vending machine for 50 cents. walked back to hall, grumpily. munching on jack and jill potato chips now. amount of cash i have in my wallet now: 50 cents.

great. what a way to start on a friday. n the rest of the day ain't gonna get any better. stats tutorial from 1-2, LAB FROM 2-6! MY GOD. did i mention i how much i hateeee labs?? I HATE LABS. I HATE LABS. I HATE lABS.

friendship week thingy at 6-7.30. dance from 8-10. heard that the dance for dnd is ten million times harder than the one we had for bash.

how sucky can one's life get.

i'm weird these days. feeling a bit emotionally unstable. haha. i'm going crazy.

i started reading her blog again. the past entries. their past history. say i'm bored.. yes i am.. i dont know why i had this sudden urge to click on those links again. the radio is playing 'ting hai'.. my heart is sinking.. an inch by an inch.. see what i mean? i am becoming insane. why do people like depressing themselves? sigh die i dont like to play pool. and i usually dont drive my dad's car out, even though i have a license. correction: i've never driven my dad's car out alone before. i'm insanely insane. OK. n i havent gotten any work done. AGAIN. argh. what the hell. i feel like jumping into a pool. ok i've decided to stop becoming such a bai zhi. i am going to watch the 9pm show now.

i feel..inferior.. not to anyone in particular, or refering to anything specific.. just a sudden feeling that is threatening to overwhelm me..

know too many pple, saw too much, think too much, feel too much..

it's times like this i feel like going home..just BE at home..away from everything else. just lead a simple life.. some people like to be in the midst of activities, the hustle and bustle.. i like too, to feel involved. but these days i'm becoming not like my usual self. i actually long for peace and inactivity. i dont even care about mixing around anymore, getting involved, doing stuff, being there.. i am contented just being alone.

i hate to admit this but of course he has sth to do with this. i've been swept away by the currents and contented to just ride along with the waves..go wherever the waves bring me to..

i am contented.. and that's very not me.. i like to meet new people. i like to learn and try new things. i like to be doing sth..

sigh..i can just lie back and sleep now. contracted a sleeping disease recently.

mum doesnt want me to stay on next sem. she said it's a waste of money when i stay so near to sch, esp with my bro studying abroad..we are tight on money.. but i like hall life. dilemma.

sigh........ SUPER SIAN. give me a drug pill.

The last first kiss..
The last first date..
When are you ever sure?
When would you ever be sure?

finally a night to myself, and me only. i dont know how come i could miss sitting in front of my lappie alone at this time of the night, 11.40pm, letting the wind run thru my hair, radio humming sweet music besides me.. especially comfortable today cos i shifted the bed around in my room, now the bed is my seat, n i can just lean back and sleep anytime! haha so conducive for sleeping.. hmm mmm...

dear dear accompanied me the whole day today. feeling a little bad.. i seem to be taking up so much of his time while he can be outside hanging out with his friends, or playing bball..etc etc.. and not cooped up in my gloomyy roomm.. hmm..

had dance just now. haiz. i hope i wont forget the steps on the actual day n end up making a fool of myself. such things are really unpredictable. you dont know what will happen.

this is the first time i'm feeling so ill discliplined and getting all my priorities wrong. studies is supposed to come first, but somehow it has fallen rock bottom.. i know its importance, but i just cant bring myself to study! argh..

ni ai wo hai shi ta..

haiz i'll think of him everytime the radio plays this song.. i got to concentrate! lots of work to be done. miss him.

i used to dislike my neighbour for no apparent reason, except that she doesnt seem to socialise w anyone in hall. the only person she hangs out w is her bf. there are a few girls i hall whom i've only seen around w their bfs before.. i used to wonder how anyone can live like that. with their lives just revolving around that ONE person. how about everyone else in their lives?? their friends? none? just that ONe n ONly one?

now i understand.. when u're really in love with somebody you just dont mind spending every sec every min of ur life with him.. everything else is just.. second place..

hall

v for victory

lalaa

bikini babes

dearie!

many many things coming up!

hall pageant preview next wed! got to learn dance.. dnd on 17th.. haiz..

friendship week next week. must settle admin work.

ifg squash + inter club squash competition starting next week as well... got to start training.. again..

cant wait to get them over n done with.

sometimes i'm really a bit fan chang.. weirdo.. like i can start tearing when i watched this sad scene of sammi cheng crying.. that was damn weird because i dont even think it was that sad.. but i teared! like.. huh?? haha..

today is dear's bday.. i'm sorry for not planning anything exceptionally spectacular.. even the pressies.. i'm not sure whether u liked them.. i'm sorry for acting weirdly at times.. n i really appreciated everything u have done for me.. really really.. :)