my fav couple
Friday, September 30, 2005
just another day
Was released early from stats lect today and am now back in hall earlier than what i had expected. a relief from the draggy day. nothing specific to blog about..just felt like i need an outlet to channel my frustrations.. to..ramble on and on without judgements, without prejudice, without interruptions, without a care for the what the world would think..
come to think of it, i've been sleeping at 4am plus every day this week, and i'm still going on fine. a tad more sleepy than usual, but still functional.
watched corpse bride last evening with shoonie. a very fairy tale, walt disney kind of production, with loads of cheery upbeat music and fair share of lines that will somehow manage to touch a nerve. i thought the characters were illustrated beautifully, despite being evidently exaggerated and morbid..especially with the dull grey tones..but i dont know..i thought it was a refreshing look.. a divine touch.. the plot was so-so but it's worth catching.. at the end of the day everyone walks away smiling.
did some grocery shopping. replenished my supply of cup noodles and some campbell soup. bought a new tube of foundation and on impulse, some blusher as well.
life is queer. sometimes we just live it without knowing what is going on, why we're doing it, or what to do about it.
come to think of it, i've been sleeping at 4am plus every day this week, and i'm still going on fine. a tad more sleepy than usual, but still functional.
watched corpse bride last evening with shoonie. a very fairy tale, walt disney kind of production, with loads of cheery upbeat music and fair share of lines that will somehow manage to touch a nerve. i thought the characters were illustrated beautifully, despite being evidently exaggerated and morbid..especially with the dull grey tones..but i dont know..i thought it was a refreshing look.. a divine touch.. the plot was so-so but it's worth catching.. at the end of the day everyone walks away smiling.
did some grocery shopping. replenished my supply of cup noodles and some campbell soup. bought a new tube of foundation and on impulse, some blusher as well.
life is queer. sometimes we just live it without knowing what is going on, why we're doing it, or what to do about it.
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
follow my heart
"follow the heart... do whatever you think is right...
logic is the second option.. if you are at loss of what to do then analysis will come in.."
got these two lines from a friend's blog. is that right?? should following your heart be the first choice? i didnt think so.. do i still? i'm just tired of thinking, of guessing, of wondering.. do you understand?
i dont want to think anymore..maybe i should just let it be.. take the easy way out.
do you know what is going on? do you know what you want? i suspect you're as lost as i am.
alright, perhaps i should just...follow my heart.
logic is the second option.. if you are at loss of what to do then analysis will come in.."
got these two lines from a friend's blog. is that right?? should following your heart be the first choice? i didnt think so.. do i still? i'm just tired of thinking, of guessing, of wondering.. do you understand?
i dont want to think anymore..maybe i should just let it be.. take the easy way out.
do you know what is going on? do you know what you want? i suspect you're as lost as i am.
alright, perhaps i should just...follow my heart.
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
occupied
honestly i started off today thinking it'll be a crapped up day. first i had jap mid term test in the morning..woke up at 8.30 thinking that i'll do some last minute revision, but you know these things, it never works.. i did managed to drag almost out of bed, but i did everything else except studying. tidying my table, lying on the bed and staring into blank space.. luckily the test wasnt too difficult..in fact i think the test was so easy that i'm afraid everyone will score full marks, and i made some really silly mistakes.
met up with ivan to have lunch. we went to coffee club at harbourfront, after excluding holland v, cos it was difficult to find parking lots there, and sch..cos it was hot, crowded and has no air con.. haha.. anyway we had a nice quiet lunch, filled him up on the happenings in my life..and got a scolding from him haha.. alright i deserve it. thanks ivan, you managed to enlighten me on some issues.. :) you're right.. so right.. i'm still young, arent i..
went lecture late, talked through half of it, listened to a quarter of it, came out with not much more insights. and then went town to meet daming. we watched cinderella man. oh it was great. initially i was afraid it was going to be a gruesome, bloody boxing film, turned out it was a lot more than that.. it is a film about..love, between husband and wife, between parents and children, between friends..about surviving through poverty, about doing what you believe in even when all odds are against you..about giving hope to others.. ah. great show. :)
so my crapped up day turned out to be a lot better than what i had expected. back in hall. time does pass a lot easier and faster when i keep myself busy. keep me away from all the negative, draining, conclusion-less thoughts.
met up with ivan to have lunch. we went to coffee club at harbourfront, after excluding holland v, cos it was difficult to find parking lots there, and sch..cos it was hot, crowded and has no air con.. haha.. anyway we had a nice quiet lunch, filled him up on the happenings in my life..and got a scolding from him haha.. alright i deserve it. thanks ivan, you managed to enlighten me on some issues.. :) you're right.. so right.. i'm still young, arent i..
went lecture late, talked through half of it, listened to a quarter of it, came out with not much more insights. and then went town to meet daming. we watched cinderella man. oh it was great. initially i was afraid it was going to be a gruesome, bloody boxing film, turned out it was a lot more than that.. it is a film about..love, between husband and wife, between parents and children, between friends..about surviving through poverty, about doing what you believe in even when all odds are against you..about giving hope to others.. ah. great show. :)
so my crapped up day turned out to be a lot better than what i had expected. back in hall. time does pass a lot easier and faster when i keep myself busy. keep me away from all the negative, draining, conclusion-less thoughts.
Monday, September 26, 2005
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Sunday, September 25, 2005
cessation
a needle piercing through the heart. a chill passing through like an electric current. i've always known, havent i. all this while, i have never denied myself of the cold, bloody cold truth. i have never pretended the earth was beautiful and flowery when it looked grey and dreary. it just took me more time to come to the realisation. like lightning struck, unexpected, fast and furious, i've always known, but i only really knew now.
since you couldnt make up your mind, i have to.
i quit.
since you couldnt make up your mind, i have to.
i quit.
Saturday, September 24, 2005
those were the days
proud to announce i won $16 from last night's mahjong session!! hehe. i managed to win twice in a row with 5 tais..so lucky eh!!
met up with josh and william, two people i havent really spoken properly to for a really long time. they reminded me of my teenagehood. the young nutty girl i was in the past, the bold girl who stopped at almost nothing just to have her supposed fun. the sunny weekends we spent at sicc with kenny, joel, suanne and gang, swimming, playing squash, playing tennis.. the afternoons we spent after school at rangers playing pool, me donned in my blueblack pinafore and white blouse, and of course when i had my cropped hair.. the childish days they spent getting into trouble fighting with each other over...i dont know.. guys can fight over anything and everything. the foolish days when joining gangs was the in thing. the dark days the first ciggie was lit. the giddy days we discovered the allure of intoxication.
and of it all, the days we founded undying friendships, friendships that can be forsaken by neither time nor distance.
met up with josh and william, two people i havent really spoken properly to for a really long time. they reminded me of my teenagehood. the young nutty girl i was in the past, the bold girl who stopped at almost nothing just to have her supposed fun. the sunny weekends we spent at sicc with kenny, joel, suanne and gang, swimming, playing squash, playing tennis.. the afternoons we spent after school at rangers playing pool, me donned in my blueblack pinafore and white blouse, and of course when i had my cropped hair.. the childish days they spent getting into trouble fighting with each other over...i dont know.. guys can fight over anything and everything. the foolish days when joining gangs was the in thing. the dark days the first ciggie was lit. the giddy days we discovered the allure of intoxication.
and of it all, the days we founded undying friendships, friendships that can be forsaken by neither time nor distance.
torn between what the heart desires, and what the mind says...
do you do what is right, or what you want?
what if there isn't a right or wrong? do you go on doing what you know will eventually hurt you, or would you rather harden and say no before it reaches unbearable standards?
little strings of longing tugging at my heart, yet at the same time some obscure corner of it are red lights flashing furiously, admonishing me of the consequences that await.
i think i've got greater affinity with the devil's perspective.
courting trouble.
do you do what is right, or what you want?
what if there isn't a right or wrong? do you go on doing what you know will eventually hurt you, or would you rather harden and say no before it reaches unbearable standards?
little strings of longing tugging at my heart, yet at the same time some obscure corner of it are red lights flashing furiously, admonishing me of the consequences that await.
i think i've got greater affinity with the devil's perspective.
courting trouble.
Friday, September 23, 2005
home
so wassup with today? another emotional outburst. a jolt out of equilibrium, and then gradually reverting back to normality again. i blame myself for my lack of resolve. but i know..that's because i haven't seen a stronger reason.. or perhaps i'm just out of my mind. i love being sadistic. i love inflicting pain on myself. it's like knowing the path will eventually lead to a dead end, but yet still perversely making up your mind to follow it.
*waHAHAha* alright i'm really starting to scare even myself.
never mind. ignore that please.
all is fine. i'm home.
i'm home, with my darling sis, who is bugging my mum for a mp3 player.. back with my dear mum, who reiterated for the zillionth time that she has NO money cos she has to pay for my hall fees, my bro's allowance, my allowance, my sis's allowance..blah blah blah. and yes she announced that she is going shopping with my dad tmr. my dad insisted on that because he thinks all the clothes my mum has are crap. *raise eyebrow* dad..not that i want to say ah..but ur fashion sense isnt very commendable also.. lala..anyway how sweet is that.. mum and dad out on a date.. whoo hoo.
*waHAHAha* alright i'm really starting to scare even myself.
never mind. ignore that please.
all is fine. i'm home.
i'm home, with my darling sis, who is bugging my mum for a mp3 player.. back with my dear mum, who reiterated for the zillionth time that she has NO money cos she has to pay for my hall fees, my bro's allowance, my allowance, my sis's allowance..blah blah blah. and yes she announced that she is going shopping with my dad tmr. my dad insisted on that because he thinks all the clothes my mum has are crap. *raise eyebrow* dad..not that i want to say ah..but ur fashion sense isnt very commendable also.. lala..anyway how sweet is that.. mum and dad out on a date.. whoo hoo.
Thursday, September 22, 2005
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
the simple things in life
feelings of discomfit were churning in my stomach. my mind seemed to have lost its focus..words were blurring and when they werent, they didnt make sense. it was weird for me. and that sensation was remote. havent i already mastered the art of acting nonchalant even in the most awkward of situations? in the first place, do i even really care that much?
perhaps i do, just that i dont know it.
perhaps i do, just that i dont want to believe it.
i just wanted to disappear. perhaps eternal sunshine of a spotless mind could really come in of some use now.
---
met up with my rgs buddies. had dinner at fish and co, and though i was already down to my last penny, i dont think i should give this a miss. rachel is going back to imperial on thurs, zhao qi back to cambridge on thurs. the next time we meet will be a few months from today again.
we caught up with each other's lives. rachel is still with zhigao after 3 yrs..or has it been longer than that? to that, i can only express envy.. we asked her whether she still feel that spark for him after all this while, and she said yes. but perhaps that was brought about by long times and distances apart. nonetheless, she is still deeply in love with him...
she is the reason why i still believe in true love.
teresa looks almost anorexic..think she has been studying too hard! anyway i fed them with my 'exciting' love stories again. she said her life has been smooth sailing so far, no ups, but no downs either. it's boring but hey at least the sad moments are minimised as well. whereas my life has always been one hell of a rollar coaster ride. but i said..that makes me a rather sad person sometimes. sometimes looking back at what i've been through, it makes me sad.
"are all the heartaches worth it?" she asked. i wondered about that myself too.. i admit there were occasions when i was the one inflicting pain on others. but hey seriously life is fair, it's not as if i havent felt pain before. isnt that life, you take some, you give some..
sarah, rachel and i went to breko for some drinks after that. had a nice long chat. it felt so good just sitting there and chatting about everything and anything under the sun.. i'm so glad i've such great girl buddies.. :)
perhaps i do, just that i dont know it.
perhaps i do, just that i dont want to believe it.
i just wanted to disappear. perhaps eternal sunshine of a spotless mind could really come in of some use now.
---
met up with my rgs buddies. had dinner at fish and co, and though i was already down to my last penny, i dont think i should give this a miss. rachel is going back to imperial on thurs, zhao qi back to cambridge on thurs. the next time we meet will be a few months from today again.
we caught up with each other's lives. rachel is still with zhigao after 3 yrs..or has it been longer than that? to that, i can only express envy.. we asked her whether she still feel that spark for him after all this while, and she said yes. but perhaps that was brought about by long times and distances apart. nonetheless, she is still deeply in love with him...
she is the reason why i still believe in true love.
teresa looks almost anorexic..think she has been studying too hard! anyway i fed them with my 'exciting' love stories again. she said her life has been smooth sailing so far, no ups, but no downs either. it's boring but hey at least the sad moments are minimised as well. whereas my life has always been one hell of a rollar coaster ride. but i said..that makes me a rather sad person sometimes. sometimes looking back at what i've been through, it makes me sad.
"are all the heartaches worth it?" she asked. i wondered about that myself too.. i admit there were occasions when i was the one inflicting pain on others. but hey seriously life is fair, it's not as if i havent felt pain before. isnt that life, you take some, you give some..
sarah, rachel and i went to breko for some drinks after that. had a nice long chat. it felt so good just sitting there and chatting about everything and anything under the sun.. i'm so glad i've such great girl buddies.. :)
Saturday, September 17, 2005
fine fine day
finally the long awaited hols are here. while my gfs are happily enjoying themselves in bangkok, i'm stuck in hall with heaps of tutorials to complete, tests to study for, notes to read, projects to begin on.. sigh..hope the girls are fine and well, happily tramping around on foreign grounds.
played mahjong last night with mark and friends. managed to lose $1 only in the end. ha ha. cheap thrill manz.
hmm *takes in a deep breath*..today looks like a fine sunny day.. have this craze to shop!
played mahjong last night with mark and friends. managed to lose $1 only in the end. ha ha. cheap thrill manz.
hmm *takes in a deep breath*..today looks like a fine sunny day.. have this craze to shop!
Thursday, September 15, 2005
mundane
ok let's give this a try. an ordinary unsad post.
nothing eventful today. i've been really clumsy lately. i dropped my phone about a zillion times. glad that nokia phones durable to withstand so many tragic falls. i fell into in drain, got a bloody toe, and scratches on my knee and thigh. i've been dripping water all over my notes, causing ugly smudges here and there. a sore for the eyes. i left my cashcard in the reader and someone else took it already when i realised what happened. i pulled my bra strap too hard and the hook broke. i lost one of my hook earrings.
sigh. damn. other than that, i'm fine.
mambo last night was pretty fun. but the aftermath wasnt. woke up this morning with a screaming head. so tempted to fall into lala-land, except i had a test at 10am. dragged myself out of bed and stood under the shower for 20 mins. water therapy. it worked eh. i didnt even feel that tired anymore. i thought i did badly for the test, turned out, i did average. got the same score as terence. he was so mad that i was the one who went clubbing but we ended up getting the same results. haha. life isnt fair ya terence.. =X
i have a whole lot of work due tomorrow:
1. memorise jap dialogue
2. do lsm 2102 online assignment
3. do biostats tutorial
4. do film and hist project
i seem to be slimming down. people have been asking me whether sch has been too stressful for me cos my face looks thinner...is it? i do feel thinner too. but not cos of stress, cos i've been skipping lunch too frequently.
ever since i changed my primary pic on friendster 2 days ago, i've been receiving quite a few messages from strangers. the same old stuff.. "want to make friends?" that kind of thing.. "add me on msn eh." should i reply? seriously i'm too lazy to. too lazy to even click on their pages to check them out. oh well. see how my mood goes.
small things happening these days seem to be evoking a lot of strong emotions in me. i'm becoming so.. vulnerable. what is wrong me man? i should to be able to take things a lot easier.
it's times like this, that i feel like going home.
nothing eventful today. i've been really clumsy lately. i dropped my phone about a zillion times. glad that nokia phones durable to withstand so many tragic falls. i fell into in drain, got a bloody toe, and scratches on my knee and thigh. i've been dripping water all over my notes, causing ugly smudges here and there. a sore for the eyes. i left my cashcard in the reader and someone else took it already when i realised what happened. i pulled my bra strap too hard and the hook broke. i lost one of my hook earrings.
sigh. damn. other than that, i'm fine.
mambo last night was pretty fun. but the aftermath wasnt. woke up this morning with a screaming head. so tempted to fall into lala-land, except i had a test at 10am. dragged myself out of bed and stood under the shower for 20 mins. water therapy. it worked eh. i didnt even feel that tired anymore. i thought i did badly for the test, turned out, i did average. got the same score as terence. he was so mad that i was the one who went clubbing but we ended up getting the same results. haha. life isnt fair ya terence.. =X
i have a whole lot of work due tomorrow:
1. memorise jap dialogue
2. do lsm 2102 online assignment
3. do biostats tutorial
4. do film and hist project
i seem to be slimming down. people have been asking me whether sch has been too stressful for me cos my face looks thinner...is it? i do feel thinner too. but not cos of stress, cos i've been skipping lunch too frequently.
ever since i changed my primary pic on friendster 2 days ago, i've been receiving quite a few messages from strangers. the same old stuff.. "want to make friends?" that kind of thing.. "add me on msn eh." should i reply? seriously i'm too lazy to. too lazy to even click on their pages to check them out. oh well. see how my mood goes.
small things happening these days seem to be evoking a lot of strong emotions in me. i'm becoming so.. vulnerable. what is wrong me man? i should to be able to take things a lot easier.
it's times like this, that i feel like going home.
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
sinking
just came back from a freaking long day of lessons. 10am to 6pm.. with a break in the afternoon for lunch. tired, not physically but mentally. bombarded with a whole bunch of new, irrational looking biostatistic formulas and abstract descriptions on how RNA polymerases transcribes..
i've been feeling lost these days.. not difficult to tell if you've been following my entries.. but now i seem to be sinking even deeper.. for reasons that elude even myself. perhaps it's a natural emotion following such incident. perhaps it's just me, myself and my life. perhaps it's just all inside this mind of a clueless girl, walking around aimlessly, following the crowd, going about with the activities of everyday life.. unsure who she is, unsure of what she wants, unsure of who are those that matters most to her, unsure of what that matters most to her, unsure of who her real friends are...
i'm depressed. but ya, even at this state, i understand that it is a fleeting moment. it'll pass.
During lect last night, we watched a movie - Eternal sunshine of a spotless mind..it talks about a couple who broke up and were so deeply hurt that they had the moments they spent together erased from their memories. after the treatment, none of them can remember each other. however when they met again, they fell in love all over again. romantic isnt it?
if the option of erasing your memories is available..would you do it?
sometimes i think i just wanna be left alone. other times, i wish i have so many friends around me that i forget that i'm depressed.
i've been feeling lost these days.. not difficult to tell if you've been following my entries.. but now i seem to be sinking even deeper.. for reasons that elude even myself. perhaps it's a natural emotion following such incident. perhaps it's just me, myself and my life. perhaps it's just all inside this mind of a clueless girl, walking around aimlessly, following the crowd, going about with the activities of everyday life.. unsure who she is, unsure of what she wants, unsure of who are those that matters most to her, unsure of what that matters most to her, unsure of who her real friends are...
i'm depressed. but ya, even at this state, i understand that it is a fleeting moment. it'll pass.
During lect last night, we watched a movie - Eternal sunshine of a spotless mind..it talks about a couple who broke up and were so deeply hurt that they had the moments they spent together erased from their memories. after the treatment, none of them can remember each other. however when they met again, they fell in love all over again. romantic isnt it?
if the option of erasing your memories is available..would you do it?
sometimes i think i just wanna be left alone. other times, i wish i have so many friends around me that i forget that i'm depressed.
Sunday, September 11, 2005
my bad
sometimes things just get harder when you're alone. i've been forcing myself not to read my life backwards..time only moves ahead, so just flow along..look in front and progress. i've made many mistakes in my life. this time i see it clearly, black and white. i realised that previous times when i said i've seen the light, i didnt actually.. i just thought i had. i never meant for a lot of things to happen, but my ignorance, my stubborness, my immaturity only caused me a lesson learnt painfully, in the expense of myself..and even more so in the expense of others.. i'm sorry. i'm dreadfully, terribly, impossibly sorry. hard to spare one moment without feeling the pangs of gulit built up in my heart. unless, if only, i cease to think. i selfishly pretend that i'm momentarily suffering from amnesia.
Thursday, September 08, 2005
love is so fragile
it's 9.30 in the morning and it's raining outside. the perfect weather to go back into lala-land. it seems to be the breaking up season these days.. couples around me are breaking up one by one..some are still unfortunately trapped in the grey zone..some have decided to give another go at it..some are certain about what they want, and hence has ruthlessly bid farewell...
couples who i once thought were matches made in heaven. in every way possible.. looks, intellect, personality, interests.. and conclusion? tearless goodbyes..
when you see an old couple walking down the streets hand in hand, what do you really see..? can you see the problems and obstacles they have had to overcome to achieve the famous prophecy "..and they live happily ever after.."....
i cant help but feel that...love is so fragile...one years, two years, three years..and in the end it takes just so little to say "i've had enough."
couples who i once thought were matches made in heaven. in every way possible.. looks, intellect, personality, interests.. and conclusion? tearless goodbyes..
when you see an old couple walking down the streets hand in hand, what do you really see..? can you see the problems and obstacles they have had to overcome to achieve the famous prophecy "..and they live happily ever after.."....
i cant help but feel that...love is so fragile...one years, two years, three years..and in the end it takes just so little to say "i've had enough."
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
i need some understanding..
why do i feel so lonely all of a sudden...
losing track of who i am...
feeling lost...
:(
losing track of who i am...
feeling lost...
:(
Saturday, September 03, 2005
sometimes
celebrated jianhang's birthday last night. had a bbq at ben's place. it was greaat.. it was so much fun.. it's times like this that make me feel glad that i'm in nus.. my og is a nice bunch of people...like really geniunely nice.. i was just thinking... what would have been different if this was an arts orientation group instead of science.. there would probably be smokers in the group, girls who out tonnes of make up, people who club and drink more often, more slackers.. these are people i supposedly associate more with..and whom people will think would fit more into my definition of fun. not entirely untrue..because i do have many friends who are like that. but..sometimes..it feels good just to be in the company of normal people. good boys and girls who arent obsessed with their appearances, who study, who dont club or smoke...who are more guai in a sense. makes me feel that.. you can be normal and happy at the same time. you can be not happening, and yet still happy..
i realised i really do have a lot of friends who smoked. sometimes when one is the odd one out in the group, you would feel that you're wrong, and they are all right.. which i do acknowledged as bullshit.. but sometimes.. just sometimes..i feel this tiniest twinge of..desire to belong, and be part of them. perhaps once upon a time, i would have given in to temptation. but right now..i'm beyond peer pressure. there are things in life which are more important than having to be like them..like upholding my own principles.
i've been pretty detached from hall recently, minding my own affairs, keeping to my own group of friends, trying to put in more efforts in my studies. things are unlike last year, when i stepped in as a freshie. making friends isnt that important to me anymore..neither is being involved in hall activities..is this..being jaded? i dont know.. sometimes, things just lose its significance, as one grows up. perhaps right now, i want something else in life..
i realised i really do have a lot of friends who smoked. sometimes when one is the odd one out in the group, you would feel that you're wrong, and they are all right.. which i do acknowledged as bullshit.. but sometimes.. just sometimes..i feel this tiniest twinge of..desire to belong, and be part of them. perhaps once upon a time, i would have given in to temptation. but right now..i'm beyond peer pressure. there are things in life which are more important than having to be like them..like upholding my own principles.
i've been pretty detached from hall recently, minding my own affairs, keeping to my own group of friends, trying to put in more efforts in my studies. things are unlike last year, when i stepped in as a freshie. making friends isnt that important to me anymore..neither is being involved in hall activities..is this..being jaded? i dont know.. sometimes, things just lose its significance, as one grows up. perhaps right now, i want something else in life..
Thursday, September 01, 2005
sultry? picture taken by mr andre teo, the great aspiring, thinks-he-has-a-lot-of-potential photographer.. who was sooo kind to give me the honour to have dinner with him one fine friday night. happy?? hehe.
hmm what else you want me to say.. you also never let me copy your work when both of us were in rj.. hmm..ok lar..thanks for your listening ear all this while since i've known you.. :)
fortune
sometimes i realised how fortunate i am.. to have such a great bf, who was so sweet to climb out of bed early in the morning to send me to school, who went down to his last penny spending most of his money buying lovely shirts, lip balm and cutsy purse for me, who loves me to bits... thank you my dear. :)
and also thanks to my fellow lect mates, who always willingly let me freeload off them (hehehe), who bought me spinelli caramel latte out of their own initative..
and also thanks to my fellow lect mates, who always willingly let me freeload off them (hehehe), who bought me spinelli caramel latte out of their own initative..
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