Ramblings

it's tough to be contented. humans are like that; we just keep wanting more and more. i think i deserve more, but one has got to be patient.

would it get me anywhere?

anyways, if you've nothing better to do, do vote for me at www.dragon78.com ya! yeah i know the web add sounds kind of dubious..judging from the number of votes i have compared to the rest of the girls, think i'm probably not gonna make it..haha but it doesnt really matter.

raining hippos again, i'm staying at home with a good book in hand. are you afraid of the dark, by sidney sheldon, one of my favourite authors of all times. it has been a while since i read..getting my life back on track..

where are you going this dec? bro is goign hk, to find his gf again; sis is going melb with her friends (my little sis is growing up!); dearie is going bangkok with his buddies too...where does that leave me to go..? think i'll probably just stick around in sg, work and save up money.....

lastly to my darling bf, who has never stopped complaining about the rare mention of his name on my blog..thank you for loving me the way i am. :) i know it's not easy..if it was some other guy, that guy would have gone crazy a long time ago. haha but you made it! you survived one yr of ME! i love ya..no matter how ugly you are!! :p

just thinking

i realised that i shouldnt judge a person by their professions. engineering is boring, but if you're an engineer, it doesnt mean you're a boring person. research takes up a lot of brain juices, but it doesnt mean that if you're a researcher, you are intellectual..or a science geek. similarly, we usually think of sales people as eloquent and impressionable, but it doesnt mean if you're doing sales, you are the way your job perceives you to be. truly, there is a general perception of how a person of a certain profession is supposed to be like, but that is sterotypical..and not always accurate. in other words, what you do dont make you who you are. you do what you do because of who you are..usually.

there's nothing wrong with being an engineer or researcher, or salesman...as long as you like what you're doing. just be true to yourself..right?

which is exactly what is wrong with me...i'm trying to be what someone who is doing what i'm doing should be. get it? eg: i'm a researcher and i'm pretending to be interested in biology because this is what a researcher should be. i'm trying to be someone else, someone whom i want myself to be perceived as, but not who i really am.

and i'm kind of sick of doing that..i dont wanna pretend to like it when i dont. i dont wanna to be A when i'm really B. i dont wanna do it for C, i wanna do it cos i want to.

but then again, what if what i like to do doesnt bring me the kind of income i want? my manager told me once, there are a lot of things he would rather be doing, but fundamentally, in life, whether you like it or not, everything boils down to the M word. no money, no talk. you need money to get married, to buy a car, to buy house, to eat, to shop.....blah blah. if you're doing something you like, but you dont have money, you wont be entirely happy too. that's his logic, to work hard and earn big bucks now, retire early and do the stuff he wants next time.

which makes sense too eh.

maybe one day i'll find something that can coexist. something i love and that will get me rich also.

lazing on a raining day

im happy. the last test is officially over, the next one would be my jap oral test followed by the EXAMS. today's test will go okay i guess, i dont think i'll fail.....since i spent the whole time peering at other people's answers. i do hope that the pink girl whom i copied from is smart...haha.. actually i really did study! spent the whole of yesterday mugging in my bf's hall room, but somehow the questions just dont relate much to whatever i've studied. or maybe i'm simply just not confident of myself...i never am, when it comes to life sciences.

never mind, i dont care, it's over. i'm happily munching jack and hill potato chips now. been stuffing myself with junk food these days. it's a rare occurance that i'm home at this time of the day. sooo quiett...without the yakking of my sis and mum.....phew..

and it's raining...

i dont have to study, i dont have to work, i dont have to meet anyone...

i met a girl. i met a girl so simple and innocent that she evokes my envy. someone with such simple wants and straightforward ambitions in life. she doesnt consider the practicalities, she just simply pursue what she knows she loves doing.

someone who still believes in romantic tales. she just wants to be loved and be the one she loves; to treat him wholeheartedly without any qualms of what the future might bring. she has yet to learn the definition of heartbreaks....

someone who is simply oblivious to the realities and harshness of life... she is unaware of the dangers that is lurking in every dark corner of the world.

someone who is geniunely happy and contented....

how i envy her. how i wish i'm like her.

so happy, so uncomplicated.

last night

had dinner with ck, terence and erin at vivo last night. come to think of it, we rarely eat outside together ya? most of my memories of us eating together is in the science canteen haha. ate at this japanese restaurant called shikuyaki. exorbitant prices for portions which are disgustingly small. poor terence kept complaining he wasnt full...especially since he was busy studying for the microbio test and hadnt eaten for like..a day? the dinner was unsatisfying..still..dont we always say that the company matters more than the activity itself?

the dessert did helped a little..haagen daz ice cream was yummies. i made a mess of myself eating the single scoop midnight cookie and cream ice cream cone. the couple ordered a brownie and the fondue which everyone shared. ck had a sahara sth sth redbean, some blended ice cream that tasted very...red beanish. sinful....

oh yeah...thanks partner..for the treat......:)

me and ck made a trip down to thumper at goodwood park hotel with his cousin and friends. nice place..obviously caters to an older and more mature crowd though..music was good. had fun dancing...i'm sorry i was a little glum at times ya...things just ain't going right for me these days. as much as i want to throw away all troubles and play my heart and soul out, i couldnt do it..maybe a little bit more of alcohol last night would have helped...but chivas mixed with plain water certainly wont do the trick haha. i didnt want to get high last night, i had my exhibition to think about today.

nonetheless i did have fun. and i hope my mood didnt spoil yours , ck. :) considering the pole dances and all the flirting with the other girls...i dont think it did lar right..hahaha..:P

today's work was moderately boring. our skimpy attires were hardly appropriate for such a serious and formal exhibition. haiz but what to do..men will be men..cant wait for tmr to be over. thanks alan and phoa who dropped by after the shoot today. and ck who came..and waited a loong looooonnnnggg time for me to get my contact lens...heee..

i'm so tired now. emotionally drained really. i just want to go n sleep.

some optimism is good for life.

somehow this inverse relationship holds true sometimes..

..and it's something i've never stopped fearing...

i dont know what to say anymore. i dont even know what to think anymore. neither do i know how i feel anymore. what more can i say? you've made your point, and i've made mine.

it's not even about the plain act of missing the program itself anymore..it's about how hurt you've made me feel, and how hurt you're still making me feel, by trying to find excuses to cover up what has happened.

i'm prepared to let everything pass, because it doesnt matter anymore, because i care more for you than one stupid incident. but if i can get through my head, can i get through my heart?

i know you arent feeling well, but does it make up for everything?

just forget it ya..just forget it...

catch me if you can

honestly, even though i'm like studying, i'm not really studying. get what i mean? i'm holding my notes and reading them, but i'm really understanding less than 10% of what i'm reading. ask me again 10 mins later what i've studied, i think i'll have difficulty answering you.

skipped my jap tutorial again this morning. i looked out of the window, thought it was raining (it's really only the haze, i realised to my disappointment when i woke up..), and went back to dreamland.

microbio test is in 3 hours' time, and even though i've been studying the whole of yesterday, i feel ill prepared.

i've decided, it's not that i've been too preoccupied, or that i've no time; i'm just simply not there anymore.

everyone comes with baggage..dont you agree?

there's no 'perfect one', because no one comes without flaws. it seems that sometimes acceptance is the only solution..but who sets the limit...how far do you go..how far can one go?

i dropped one of my contact lenses, so right now i'm wearing my hard lens on my left eye, and soft lens on the other, which doesnt correct for my astigmatism. the skewed vision is giving me a headache. looks like the geek look is gonna be in for the next few weeks...

microbiology test tmr. studying time...cant afford to fail another test!

just a day, just an ordinary day...

i realised i have this tendency to let people down, to disappoint them, to fail to meet up to their expectations of me...

i have this tendency to make people go,"haiz..yiming...", and then make them wonder why they still stick with me after all i've done...

like to mr andre teo, who named me someone who is always 'fashionably late, fashionably broke, and fashionably lost'...

like to ck and terence, who always let me copy the lab reports that they have painstakingly took much time and effort to complete..and always without complaints (well ok just a little sometimes, but i always know at the end of the day they'll aways relent and give in to me....)..

like to my dear bf, who has endured much shit with me..who has been 'forced' into accepting many things that other bfs wouldnt have been able to tolerate, simply because i'm his gf...


distort my face for being a bad girl!

and to the rest of the many people out there.....

i'm not a bad person. i have no intentions to make use of anyone. just that sometimes because of my stubborness, i give out the wrong vibes.. sometimes, i'm just simply not aware that my actions would hurt others..

hey...

so again it has been a while since i last posted any entries. Days are flying by. Suddenly I feel as if I've got so many things i could blog about that i dont know where to start.....

For those who dont already know..actually most of you wouldnt know, since i've only told a couple of my closest friends, i'm actually running for miss chinatown singapore. Nothing glam, nothing to boast about..it's not an event under mediacorp, not as widely publicised as MSU, a much more low key pageant, not well coordinated, the standard of the girls isnt very high, they make us do stupid things, waiting hours are long...i can go on and on about the complaints i have for this competition haha, but i dont think it's very nice so i shall stop here... i'm not sure whether it was a wise choice to even join in the first place, since much of the events are spreaded out over the next month, bit by bit closer to my exams..

the preview shows over the weekend at HDB hub has left me pretty disillusioned, but it's too late to back out now since i've already signed a contract. it's not all that bad.. as cliche as it might sound, miss congenality in certain ways has portrayed the experience of taking part in a pageant pretty well. i've made friends with several girls.. we slack tgr, bitch tgr, encourage each other, reassure each other that our hair is ok, our make up is not running....

so i still treasure this experience, though it might not be much. to my fellow pa7-ians, who couldnt stop calling me miss chinatown last night!!! thanks for the encouragement..i really appreciate it.. for once i feel that people really care for me to do well.......


the gang that we've establised.


me in cheongsam!! and andre..my devoted supporter!! thanks for making your way down.....

last night we celebrated xiaojun's 21st bday.. poor girl, struggling to get PA8 going..i wonder how this yr's pa8 is like... i feel like returning back to cambodia again this yr end, but then..there are always more things in life to look forward to..

at yum cha..

me and the birthday girl!


me, qiming and yongyao..aiyo yy..do take care okiee...:)

i gonna be working at the UK land launch fair this weekend at suntec. drop by there to see me if you're around the area! went for a short training session today at the land international, the company i'm working for.. it's COOL.. those who has $15k to spare and are interested in high returns business opportunities, do contact me!!! haha.. seriously if i have the money, i would buy a plot of land in uk too..

last but not least..TO MY DEAR DEAR DEAR BESTIE!!! haiz girl..i dont know what i can say to make you feel better also..i know you're going through shit now, and seriously, i feel damn bad because i havent been there the entire week when you probably needed someone to talk to and be around you and show concern for you.. i'm really sorry, you dont know how awful i felt when i received that sms and suddenly it just dawned upon me how much i've been neglecting you haha. oh sheesh sounds so lesbianly.. but anyway..remember what i told you ok.. we gonna be friends forever manz, you gonna make a speech for me on my wedding day!! yaaaammm seeeennngg with me, be my bribesmaid!! 30 yrs down the road, we gonna be mothers, meet up and let our kids play with each other..and our kids will be good friends too haha... soo.. i'm not gonna let you go anywhere...........

there will be rainbow after the rain...just wait and see...just wait.....

is it worth it?

today was officially my first day of work. it wasnt as good as i hope, i thought i could have done better.. much better, but at least it wasnt without returns. it also wasnt as bad as i had imagined it to be, it was easier than i've thought, maybe because i'm already so used to such approaches from other jobs that i've done before. getting the conversation going was easy, getting into the subject was more challenging to me..especially since i'm not exactly one you can call worldly or knowledgeable.. nonetheless..i had fun..and like sean said, i've nothing at stake..as yet...

for all the little things that he has done today, i'm touched. what can i do without him..?

have you ever felt like you're giving too much for something minor..and then start to wonder whether it was worth all the efforts, for such little returns? an analogy..you're a wine lover, and one day your teacher asked you to do a project on wine, which will only come up to 5% of your final grade. nonetheless because wine is your passion, you sacrificed time and energy on this project, simply because you want to and you enjoy doing it... it doesnt matter what grade you get at the end of the day, at the most you'll just get 5/5, which really isnt anything significant. however in the meantime, because you've spent so much time on this project, you started neglecting the rest of your subjects.

so the question is, is it worth it?

emotional

it has been a while since i last blog. last week has been hectic, as usual. i need to tell myself that it's ok not to have free time, it's ok if i dont pack every slot of my day to the brim. someone told me recently, that i'm a different person now..and that he is starting to lose me. i'm drifting further and further away. i asked him, so what exactly is different about me? was i kind in the past, and evil now? was i fat, and now skinny? the fact is, they cant be stated down explicitly. it's felt. it's not visible. it's psychologically, it's mental, and it's all in the head. the head is a powerful tool eh.

i feel different too. a well concocted, an impenetrable mask, that i'm forced to put on at certain times in order to protect myself. it's survival instincts. nonetheless, under that seemingly composed veneer, i know i'm still me. i still cry, i still blush, i still care, i still hurt...

it's beneficial in certain ways that i've learnt the art, but on the flip side, it is eating away my soul, piece by piece..

it was today when i truly experienced an upheaval of emotions. i'm a tear-baby. once i start, it takes little more to trigger off another stream of tears.

things just aint going well. studies are going dismally downhill. my last test was a disaster, i think i topped the cohort, from the back. the worst thing is that i know i'm capable of better results. this is not me.

ok enough of this. i hate to mourn over spilled milk.

btw just to address people who have tagged on my tagboard, it certainly has been entertaining recently, so thanks for the entertainment value. besides that, i really got nothing more to say. if i say i dont care, it's gonna sound pretty dumb cos if i dont care, i wont say i dont care..but the actual fact is, i really dont care. hah.

to my dearest, whom i've celebrated my first one yr anniversary with last thurs, we've come so far..the road has certainly not been without its obstacles, yet we're still together. thank you for your tolerance..i dont know how this relationship would have survived without that. happiness.. :)

may i also mention that we watch 'the break-up' at starlight cinema. what an ironic show to watch on our big day. nonetheless i enjoyed the show, even though it wasnt the usual fairy tale happily ever after sort of ending. i found it extremely realistic and close to life..it's so real!! miscommunication between two people who clearly are in love, resulting in breaking up when one party has finally had enough.. "i've nothing left to give you..."

ok just to update on the numerous photo shoots i've been doing for the past few weeks. if u think u're going to scream seeing me neck up, then i suggest you close this page NOW. dont say i didnt warn you..


the most recent one i did on sat. it's a happy happy smile.
to give credits to the photogs, this pic is taken by rongren.



they called me the ah go go girl. retro is in.
taken by: yong tat


this was about 3 weeks ago..
taken by: colin


jump for joy
taken by: tommy

the rest of the pics are taken by phoa.

taken in a tub, my fav bikini at the moment.


contemplative, dont i look sad?


i look incredibly skinny here.


one last look at you, before i go..

evolution

sigh. it's 9.40 am, 20 mins to my jap tutorial. but the sky is grey, the wind is blowing, the thunder is roaring and it's starting to pour.. i dont feel like going to school..so here i am, sitting in front of my com, and typing this, watching the words run across the screen, feeling the wind on my skin, listening to the thunder reprimanding me....and missing my tutorial for the 6TH time this sem.

i'm feeling grey, grey...like the sky right now.

okay, it's really POURING hippos and rhinos now, which just further reinforced my determination not to go school now haha.

woke up early to finish up my lab report this morning, cos i was so drained last night that i fell asleep. rush rush rush..it actually feels good now just to be sitting in front of the com, listening to music, and having no one to disturb me. sis in school, bro working, no one to msn me...some time to myself. MY time.

colin was just telling us how a girl, a stranger to be exact, changed the way he looked at life, entirely, without even meaning to. she was just doing what she has always been doing. it's so strange how someone can just inadvertantly changed your life, like a bolt of lightning, hitting you when you least expect it. so when he said, "you've no idea how your job is, you really have no idea...", it hit me too, cos i never looked at things from that perspective.

i'm evolving, and i'm not sure whether i like it or not.