30 mins to dp supper.. i havent touched work today..again..haiz..so what is new?

clubbing on wed was not bad.. met ailing, jt's 7 yrs ex gf and one of his ex flings. hmm feelings? sad? nah.. bitterness? nope.. jealousy? hmm..maybe.. actually i just felt a little.. weird.. like these girls have been through so much with the person i'm with.. n i'm merely with him for only 2 weeks? like..singapore as compared to..china?? haha what a lousy analogy. singapore might be young, but it should become really properous right?? haha.. whatever lar..!

girl ah, sometimes i think i should stop being so absorbed in my own world. i still have friends! should start giving them a bit more attention. sorry andre! for not replying ur sms.. zx! for missing your dancetitude.. sorry.. :(

yesterday passed real fast. sleep. fetch his grandma. me use msn, he sleep. go uncle james's place. do facial for fabian. home sweet home. uneventful. but..i'm happy! i'm happy as long as you're with me.. :)

today..came back hall. ate lunch w liwern. went changi beach for lab. eat dinner w liwern. pei whiston eat n su ku. here now. blog.

aiyo why my life so boring now.

jt said i shouldnt place so much emphasis on my work.. he said if it's successful, it'll be a bonus, if it's not, then it's ok.. at least i've learnt. i agree.. but i cant seem to take it easy.. because when i want sth, i go all out to get it..single mindedly..until i lose interest that is.. let's hope this time it wont burn out so fast.. i want to do something right.. for once..

ok i came back to hall at 2 plus, n i'm 'proud' to say i've spent the entire time on msn and on the com doing useless stuff. anything but school work. but seriously i dont have mid term tests right.. i dont.. right? haha i'm not even sure of that.. heck.. i seriously lack motivation in studying now.. what's wrong girl! wanna quit sch is it? my mind is preoccupied with 2 things right now only..

ramble ramble ramble.. i really dont make sense at times..

i've been warned..yes i have..if anything goes wrong, i'll hold myself for it.

the attraction of intoxication. one glup of alcohol. two glups. three glups. the world blanks out.

how can anyone get married? does eternal love exist? is love like air..does it ever run out? are fairy tales lies? does love in every relationship fades after a while?

i really dont wanna join the ex gf club..

u know sometimes i know that my flaws are staring right at me but i just refuse to admit them? sometimes i'm really not the person i seem to be.. that i project myself to be.. but for fear that i will actually make the people around me more concious and aware of my flaws, i hide them. is it better that way? if i voice them out, i in a way degrade myself and make others more sensitive to it. good or bad, some people might not really mind, n will laugh it off w me, whereas others might keep in within themselves n see me as inferior in that particular aspect. should i hide it? let others discover it for themselves. i might be able to conceal it well..i might not..take a chance..

understand what i'm driving at? at the very least.. i know it wouldnt matter to him..

went sunset bay today. the weather is hot hot HOT.. 34 degrees! i think this feb is the hottest month in sg for the past dunno how many years. my back is peeling pretty badly. i am still not very much tanner.. :/

dinner at his friend's place. she is married and has a 6 months' old son! she is..22? shotgun marriage? i suppose. but she seems happy! which was a surprise for me because i didn't think such marriages prompted by external factors other than love would turn out to be a happy ending. her husband n her seemed loving enough. perhaps it's too soon? just a yr.. perhaps.. they are really in love w each other n geniuely believe in leading a life tgr.. how sweet.. age is not a problem huh?

clubbing last night was not bad. except we saw her. she was there. i swear i could feel her every glare piercing through my back. tried as i did to feel at ease, my body language must have betrayed me. i squirmed uncomfortably on my seat, hoping to deceive my true feelings. upon hearing tears were shed for our pressure, a flash of pain stabbed at my heart.

she hates us. she must. he said she has to know sooner or later. maybe it's better this way, then she will hate him and forget him with lesser difficulty.

i feel for her. because i know exactly how a girl in her position would feel. i have been through it. the clenching of the heart. the unstoppable tap. the lump in throat. the grief in soul. the tasteless food. all of a sudden, life becomes mundance, meaningless..

ok..sorry i'm not in the position to mourn..i'm not the victim here..both ways..

his friend gave me some disturbing advice last night. "dont be too involved with him. he is still at the stage whereby he still wants to play." "but he said he is serious about me.." "he said that the previous time too.."

i didnt tell him what his friend said. because i believe him. i trust him. the whole world can doubt us.. but at least we have to believe in each other..

today has been a long day.. i'm feeling exhausted, and drained.. eyelids weighing heavier by the minute..

dp ended successfully today. the marketing crew members had to wear nurses' uniforms which most commented was kinky. i had the 'luck' of wearing the only green uniform whereas the others wore white, SGH look alike uniform.. oh well doesn't really matter much.. it just made me stand out a little more than the others.. the acting cast was great, professional, engaging, arresting the audience's attention. the dancers were fabulous, choreo was fun, costumes were eye catching..

to that person..who knows who he is that i'm refering to..

i'm not gonna reply your sms because i see no point in msging u while u're drunk. it's true i met this guy, and it was before our break up. however he was absolutely not the cause of it. it would have happened sooner or later, it was only a matter of time because i wasn't happy. it wasn't enough. nothing happened between us before that, i must admit there was slight attraction, but our status remained merely as friends. as u mentioned, if given time, my feelings for you would grow? i know it wouldn't. dont ask me why, there are some things that have no reason, i just know.. i just want to tell u that i have given it a try, i have, but it didn't work out. it wont even if given time. accept it.

it's my fault. for even giving it a try right from the very first day. i should have known it was a mistake. but i didnt know eventually i would hurt u this much. i just wanted to give it a try. to give things a chance to work out. but it didnt.

and now i'm with this guy. people said it's fast. i must say that if i were to judge this whole situation from an outsider's point of view, it's definitely shockingly fast. people think we are both not serious. i'm jumping. it's not gonna last. so is it gonna be a few more months before i get another? i must heard these comments more than 10 times in the past few days since i started relating to people my experiences..

i'm sick of trying to convince people this time it's different. it's different. it's just different. again i fail to find a logical explanation. i just can feel it. it just feels right. love comes when it comes. fate comes when it comes. it's difficult for those who havent experienced it before to understand. i'm tired to explaining. take it or leave it. i believe in myself.

to you..if u have once fallen for me.. if u could even recall how it feels like.. maybe u would understand what i'm saying.. if you're able to put aside your hurt for a sec.. n look upon this situation w neutrality.. but i guess it's almost impossible for u to do so.. alright if u hate me.. i only hope one day you'll understand..

aiya i should stop all my chinese lovey dovey crap.. i'm becoming lazier n lazier.. woke up only at 11am today. getting ample sleep these days. i feel that i'm drifting apart from some of my friends.. but come to think of it, the true friendship can withstand the test of time, and distance.. just like kenny n joel.. we see kenny like probably a few weeks a yr, and i see joel only occasionally, n we're still the best buddies. hmm so yes, 真挚的友谊是经得起时间的考验。。。

生命无常, must learn to cherish every moment.. u never know when the next tsunami might come and sweep everyone away..

感情是非常奇妙的。。来就来，去就去。。就是这样，有时候也没有好解释。。

有时候那个人根本就不是你心目中的白马王子，可是你就是偏偏喜欢他。。有些人无论对你多么的好，你也无法给他你的全部。。。

爱情就是如此的莫明其妙。。。

缘分吧。。你相信吗。。

我想我这辈子，一定会有报应。。。

对不起。。我不是有意伤害你。。。请你愿谅我。。。

我不是在玩弄你的感情，只是迷失方向的我，还不清楚自己在该嘛。。

请你忘了我，请你过得比过去好。。。

busy busy busy

i had fun at sentosa yesterday! went suntanning on the beach. my back hurts now. my cheeks are incredibly red, so are my arms and shoulders. the sky, the sea, the sand.. have i ever mentioned to you how much i love them?

today was another long day. had to do ihg reporting in the morning. it was ok..except the weather was damn hot!! scorching hot sun, plus yesterday's sunburnt skin = ..irritated yiming. the game wasnt what i would call exciting either..

had biz stuff again after that. ok the guys got me on my nerves.. but i guess the way i handle things isnt exactly admirable either.. sigh i got to learn to control my tone. i need to speak in a calm, monotonous, lacking of emotion, unfazed 'even when the sky falls down' way.. now the way i speak is so full of emotion, agitation, sorrow, disappointment, enthusiasium etc..all reflected in my speech. cannot cannot.. cos i am constantly meeting with disappointment.. need more control girl..

learning learning.. life is about learning..

to 'people':

hmm yup you're right, the people who think negatively might in fact be people who know me personally. who knows? i cant read your mind. my good friends might be my greatest enemies. if that is the case, then they must be really hypocritical, considering my 'good friend', yet loathing me at the same time. afterall i think naturally if you don't like someone, you would stay away from him/her.

or perhaps you meant you dont mean it on such a strong note? as in they dont hate me but just dont approve of some of the things i do? i guess that is inevitable. everyone makes mistakes. i know i've made a lot.. but inside i know.. i'm really not such a bad person you know.. really..

oh maybe in this case, it's important also to define what you mean but 'knowing somebody'. there are various degrees and depth that you can know a person.. n they all really vary.. in fact i cant think of a way to measure it.. how do you measure how well you know a person..

how do u know if someone is telling the truth.. how do u know what u see is what u get.. how do u know someone doesnt do things for some reasons that he/she doesnt want u to find out..

i still believe.. u should never judge a person too easily.. too fast.. there are just too many layers that you can peel off..

does it really matter what people think of me.. that question is being played in my mind repeatedly.. does it matter.. i know there are people who think really badly of me, but it doesnt really affect me because i always think, those people who hates me dont know me, so if they dont know me, why would what they think matter? n those who know me, would understand why i did what i did.. that.. i'm really not such an awful person, even though sometimes i do things they dont understand.. they dont understand me, but they'll support me..whatever i do..

ok sorry for rambling on n on...

but i must say i cant blame others for thinking for they think of me sometimes.. if i'm an outsider looking at myself.. i'll probably think i'm a slut too..

sometimes.. i dont understand myself either.. i just.. do things.. do whatever i want.. right or wrong, wrong or right.. just like that..

am i making sense..

sigh....

life is weird, just weird. sometimes i cant believe that my life is so screwed up. i cant believe that i actually allow myself to get into this mess. i started it. i walked into it.

but all has ended. PLS girl, pls learn, n stop being the dumb ass you were again. i'm a selfish pig.

test tmr. i havent touched anything.

happy new year to all.

whoa it's late.. n i'm still awake.. haiz was thinking about what daming told me the other day.. that i'm such a lukewarm person.. it's really quite true. there is nothing i really like. be it studies, squash, or whatever, nothing can hold my interest for long. i just dont have that burning desire and fire to accomplish sth big. i used to have it.. once.. when i was sec 1 or 2, i trained almost everyday.. cos my aim was to become the best player in my age group. i almost did achieved it, but i gave up soon after, cos i was..bored? i dont know. young minds work the weird way. i understand how i felt yet i dont understand.. ok contradictory. nvm.

right now there is the biz that keeps me going. it sets a kind of goal in my life, a new direction.. something that i've been looking for.. something to work towards.. i know a lot of pple have been saying negative things about it, n things arent exactly going easy for me.. but hey, never try never know. i may succeed, i may fail, but whatever it is, i gain the experience, i learn. isnt that what life is all about? discovering new things? learning? paving out new experiences?

so brave on girl...

heavy eyelids. i actually fell asleep watching EH play with SH. it was boring cos we were winning all the games. pardon me for being cocky. definitely not my intention.

brought my mum to spa. i realised my mum really does look young for her age. except she is a little plump, n short. oh well. i'll certainly be taller when i grow older. would i be as fat? hopefully not. yah. i dun ever want to be fat. i hope she enjoyed the spa. i am not a very xiao shun daughter to be honest. i seldom have anything to give her. i hope she is happy.. i want her to be happy.

i'm sad, i cant stop crying, there is a lump in my throat, my eyes are swollen, my heart is aching, i've no appetite, i havent done any work in days n i'veno motivation to do anything.

the only thing that is amazing is that i'm not sick yet, when everyone around me seems to be sick.