Love is always selfish, the only difference is the ratio. The ratio of your self-centredness vs how much you're percentage of your heart and soul that you're willing to give away.
I'm a selfish lover. I'm too practical, too experienced. So is he. We've seen too much, we've been through too much.
The only unconditional love that exists in this world is probably that between mother and child.
Selfless love. This is the reason I find this concept so luring.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Saturday, September 24, 2011
city girl, small town heart
Just came back from a 4 days not-that-exciting, holiday-like trip in east Malaysia. i flew to Brunei, took the car to miri, flight from miri to bintulu followed by bintulu to sibu. i was chasing planes to come home, from 2.30pm yesterday, i took the plane from sibu to kuching, kuching to KL and lastly from KL to Singapore, home sweet home.a little bit of drama here, i made it for my flight but my luggage didn't. to be honest, i wasn't very surprised. i actually had to rush quite a fair bit to make it on the flights myself. so i guess that was why i wasn't too agitated when i heard my luggage had to take the next flight in. in the end. it arrived at 12.40am on my door steps.
This trip was..well..i cant find the right adjectives to describe it. boring yes, in a sense, most of these places I've been to last year besides sibu. meeting dealers was a chore, i didn't have the heart and enthusiasm to speak to them. I've changed, the marissa who came last year was different. i didn't work much, because i simply talked little and asked little questions.
Though that's not i have not gained anything from this trip. i have in fact, an insightful view of the way of life in small towns like these. sometimes by merely listening, you can decipher a fair bit. i appreciate their lives. slower, but not without their own pressures and troubles. slower doesn't necessarily to an easier or happier life, that we have to realise.
Less expectations definitely. and the way they see life in a big city, is not unlike a goldfish in an aquarium, peering at the outside world. it looks glittery and glamorous, but they are resigned to their lives, and they're completely at ease with NOT being part of it. outsiders like us think - how can anyone live like that? But everyone has their own way of life. I've learnt that a lot of things ingrained when you're young, defines who you are. it CREATES you.
I just finished the book Never Let Me Go during this trip. it started out uneventful, but as the story flows, bits and pieces were revealed that exposes a fantastic plot beneath. this is the reason why i say a lot of who you are depends on how you're brought up and the environment. the papers yesterday says that the ministry of education is incorporating character and moral building into the youngsters' curriculum, and stuff like self-awareness etc. from what i see, this is definitely important, but they should also draw importance away from the usual subjects of maths and science, and cultivate love for other things in life which were previously considered unimportant and irrelevant to a human being's future.
For example:
Love for music
Love for nature
Love for design
Love for cooking, art...
These are important too right?
We need to break away from the stereotypes of the society. Like seriously, we need to stop functioning like a corporation. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with wanting to make money, but if this is not what you want, we need to have the courage to say hey, no, i want to do something else, and have the courage to pursue that something else, despite what people say.easier said than done of course, it's not easy to ignore what people say. We're social creatures after all..
This is why sometimes I wish I didn't grow up in this society. it has reared us in the way that we think this is what we want. We actually believe in it, because this was the way we're brought up. influence from a young age is hard to alter. how else do you think they train child soldiers in Sri Lanka?
I'm still looking for my own non-stereotype.
This trip was..well..i cant find the right adjectives to describe it. boring yes, in a sense, most of these places I've been to last year besides sibu. meeting dealers was a chore, i didn't have the heart and enthusiasm to speak to them. I've changed, the marissa who came last year was different. i didn't work much, because i simply talked little and asked little questions.
Though that's not i have not gained anything from this trip. i have in fact, an insightful view of the way of life in small towns like these. sometimes by merely listening, you can decipher a fair bit. i appreciate their lives. slower, but not without their own pressures and troubles. slower doesn't necessarily to an easier or happier life, that we have to realise.
Less expectations definitely. and the way they see life in a big city, is not unlike a goldfish in an aquarium, peering at the outside world. it looks glittery and glamorous, but they are resigned to their lives, and they're completely at ease with NOT being part of it. outsiders like us think - how can anyone live like that? But everyone has their own way of life. I've learnt that a lot of things ingrained when you're young, defines who you are. it CREATES you.
I just finished the book Never Let Me Go during this trip. it started out uneventful, but as the story flows, bits and pieces were revealed that exposes a fantastic plot beneath. this is the reason why i say a lot of who you are depends on how you're brought up and the environment. the papers yesterday says that the ministry of education is incorporating character and moral building into the youngsters' curriculum, and stuff like self-awareness etc. from what i see, this is definitely important, but they should also draw importance away from the usual subjects of maths and science, and cultivate love for other things in life which were previously considered unimportant and irrelevant to a human being's future.
For example:
Love for music
Love for nature
Love for design
Love for cooking, art...
These are important too right?
We need to break away from the stereotypes of the society. Like seriously, we need to stop functioning like a corporation. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with wanting to make money, but if this is not what you want, we need to have the courage to say hey, no, i want to do something else, and have the courage to pursue that something else, despite what people say.easier said than done of course, it's not easy to ignore what people say. We're social creatures after all..
This is why sometimes I wish I didn't grow up in this society. it has reared us in the way that we think this is what we want. We actually believe in it, because this was the way we're brought up. influence from a young age is hard to alter. how else do you think they train child soldiers in Sri Lanka?
I'm still looking for my own non-stereotype.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Miri
I rejected an offer to head out tonight. This is unlike me. A year ago, I would not have even considered not joining. A year ago (more than that actually), I was in Miri. A year ago, I was in Ipoh. Have I changed? Or perhaps the company just wasnt right.
I have been drinking too much lately. So much so that I'm starting to fear. Fear for my health, fear for my insane behaviour. This fear was also unthinkable a year ago.
I treasure my time alone now. Alone in the hotel room. Just by myself. Me and my thoughts.
On another note, I found out I passed my piano exam, with merit. I was SO relieved. I can move on to the next phase.
I'm bored already. Man, I still have 2.5 more days. Help me get through them. I wonder which is worse, staying in Singapore and get BORED, or coming here and feel BORED.
Is there a difference?
I rejected an offer to head out tonight. This is unlike me. A year ago, I would not have even considered not joining. A year ago (more than that actually), I was in Miri. A year ago, I was in Ipoh. Have I changed? Or perhaps the company just wasnt right.
I have been drinking too much lately. So much so that I'm starting to fear. Fear for my health, fear for my insane behaviour. This fear was also unthinkable a year ago.
I treasure my time alone now. Alone in the hotel room. Just by myself. Me and my thoughts.
On another note, I found out I passed my piano exam, with merit. I was SO relieved. I can move on to the next phase.
I'm bored already. Man, I still have 2.5 more days. Help me get through them. I wonder which is worse, staying in Singapore and get BORED, or coming here and feel BORED.
Is there a difference?
the melancholy of flying away
en route - singapore to brunei
At the airport now, waiting for my flight to Brunei, the first destination of my 4 days East Malaysia tour.
The skies are grey and dark clouds are looming. There's something melanchoic about the scene. I could just sit here and stare at it forever, oh yeah and probably sink into some kind of depression haha, with my thoughts running amok.
At the airport now, waiting for my flight to Brunei, the first destination of my 4 days East Malaysia tour.
The skies are grey and dark clouds are looming. There's something melanchoic about the scene. I could just sit here and stare at it forever, oh yeah and probably sink into some kind of depression haha, with my thoughts running amok.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
lacunar infarct
"Transfiguratively, lacuna comes to mean a gap, deficiency, or loss. The term "lacunar infarct" refers to a stroke that involves a small area of the brain responsible for a specific function, or ever a specific memory.
How happy is the blameless vestal's lot! / The world forgetting, by the world forgot / Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! / Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd."
It just goes to prove you can never fully erase a memory.
It just keeps coming back.
And so I find a corner in my mind, somewhere no one has ever been to before, somewhere quiet and tranquil, where no one can find me, and place all my memories inside, gently and carefully. And before I leave, I whisper to it: I'll be back to visit you once I'm ready. Till then, please be safe.
How happy is the blameless vestal's lot! / The world forgetting, by the world forgot / Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! / Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd."
It just goes to prove you can never fully erase a memory.
It just keeps coming back.
And so I find a corner in my mind, somewhere no one has ever been to before, somewhere quiet and tranquil, where no one can find me, and place all my memories inside, gently and carefully. And before I leave, I whisper to it: I'll be back to visit you once I'm ready. Till then, please be safe.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Summer of Love
Counterculture of the 1960s
"...freedom to explore one’s potential, freedom to create one’s Self, freedom of personal expression, freedom from scheduling, freedom from rigidly defined roles and hierarchical statuses...".
"... wished to modify children's education so that it didn't discourage, but rather encouraged, "aesthetic sense, love of nature, passion for music, desire for reflection, or strongly marked independence.""
"...freedom to explore one’s potential, freedom to create one’s Self, freedom of personal expression, freedom from scheduling, freedom from rigidly defined roles and hierarchical statuses...".
"... wished to modify children's education so that it didn't discourage, but rather encouraged, "aesthetic sense, love of nature, passion for music, desire for reflection, or strongly marked independence.""
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
The sun rays
I remember not too long ago, Yasi and I were out at Vivo buying a cake for Zoey to celebrate on her birthday. We went out in the late afternoon. I saw people having their afternoon high tea at Baker's Inn, which was situated just next to the ceiling glass panel facing the fountain out in the wrong. It was sunny, and the sun rays were pouring in.
I commented, how nice if the temperature outside was 22 degrees, just like in Europe, during early summer or autumn.
Why did I bring this up out of the blue?
I'm missing the late afternoon sun rays...
Are we destined to spend Mondays to Fridays stuck in the office facing a computer screen?
I commented, how nice if the temperature outside was 22 degrees, just like in Europe, during early summer or autumn.
Why did I bring this up out of the blue?
I'm missing the late afternoon sun rays...
Are we destined to spend Mondays to Fridays stuck in the office facing a computer screen?
Thursday, September 08, 2011
Unexpectedly, inspired
The world is so big, and there're so many things happening.
This feels like some kind of calling really. Today is another day at work. I just came out from a Microsoft meeting which was titled SMB/Enterprise/Education licensing. Sounds boring right? Which was exactly what I was expecting it to be - another boring briefing that I would just sit through and let my mind wander.
True indeed, my 'monkey mind' was activated. My mind drifted, but it was inspired by the discussion.
The meeting was basically about Microsoft supporting government sponsored PC/IT projects in various countries all over the world - India, Thailand, Malaysia, China.... countries which are economically less privileged.
Of course, where were my thoughts led to? My beloved Cambodia of course, since I'm in the midst of preparing a new project.
I was thinking to myself - hey, this can be initiated in Cambodia as well. Oh well, but not yet. Answer is simple. When Gandhi made the speech to the Indians to support the local congress party so as to lead the nation to independence, he said that Indians do not care who rules the country, whether it's the rich foreigners or the rich locals. What they care about is their salt, their food on the table, their crops, the very basic key substance to survival.
Without air, without water, without food, what is iPads or TVs, or the American Idol? WHO GIVES A DAMN??
I finally saw a glimpse of light - where I could possibly contribute to the society by working in a notebook company.
But Cambodia is not ready yet. I'm at the advanced stage, of the development of the standard of living.
In perhaps all civilisations, first comes the food, then the luxuries.
Being able to surf the net is a luxury.
The Cambodian kids do not even have concrete floors to step on, or electricity, or textbooks, or pencils, or shoes, or....and the list goes on....
Can you actually jump stages? From nothingness to slates?
I dont know, electricity is definitely a must. But let's say if electricity was available, do people need to progress as per what history was dictated, or could you possibly 'skip' phases?
Anyway, this question is not for now.
I need to learn. I want to do more. I want to be capable of creating more.
This is what I want to do, I think.
Hopefully in the near future, the last 2 words of my previous sentence can be eliminated.
This feels like some kind of calling really. Today is another day at work. I just came out from a Microsoft meeting which was titled SMB/Enterprise/Education licensing. Sounds boring right? Which was exactly what I was expecting it to be - another boring briefing that I would just sit through and let my mind wander.
True indeed, my 'monkey mind' was activated. My mind drifted, but it was inspired by the discussion.
The meeting was basically about Microsoft supporting government sponsored PC/IT projects in various countries all over the world - India, Thailand, Malaysia, China.... countries which are economically less privileged.
Of course, where were my thoughts led to? My beloved Cambodia of course, since I'm in the midst of preparing a new project.
I was thinking to myself - hey, this can be initiated in Cambodia as well. Oh well, but not yet. Answer is simple. When Gandhi made the speech to the Indians to support the local congress party so as to lead the nation to independence, he said that Indians do not care who rules the country, whether it's the rich foreigners or the rich locals. What they care about is their salt, their food on the table, their crops, the very basic key substance to survival.
Without air, without water, without food, what is iPads or TVs, or the American Idol? WHO GIVES A DAMN??
I finally saw a glimpse of light - where I could possibly contribute to the society by working in a notebook company.
But Cambodia is not ready yet. I'm at the advanced stage, of the development of the standard of living.
In perhaps all civilisations, first comes the food, then the luxuries.
Being able to surf the net is a luxury.
The Cambodian kids do not even have concrete floors to step on, or electricity, or textbooks, or pencils, or shoes, or....and the list goes on....
Can you actually jump stages? From nothingness to slates?
I dont know, electricity is definitely a must. But let's say if electricity was available, do people need to progress as per what history was dictated, or could you possibly 'skip' phases?
Anyway, this question is not for now.
I need to learn. I want to do more. I want to be capable of creating more.
This is what I want to do, I think.
Hopefully in the near future, the last 2 words of my previous sentence can be eliminated.
Wednesday, September 07, 2011
Maintaining Happiness
...people universally think happiness is a stroke of luck, something that will maybe descend upon you like fine weather if you're fortunate enough. but that's not how happiness work. Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for you, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it, you must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat of it. If you dont, you'll leak away your innate contentment.
Tuesday, September 06, 2011
Thursday, September 01, 2011
Disorientation
I'm feeling rather disoriented these days. It seemed as if I'm working in the way I wait for each day to go by, doing what is required of me, not overachieving, not anticipating, no expectations of myself or whatsoever...
I'm just waiting, and I don't know for what...
It's like I'm in some kind of trance, some kind of transit mode, and I'm patiently waiting for myself to wake up and move on with my life. I'm frozen.
A carefree life; a high achiever - are they mutually exclusive? I posted this question my facebook.
Most people talked about striking a balance. But to me this is entirely a see-saw question. You can only tilt either way, not both ways. To strike a balance, it means you're reasonably balanced on both ends, neither superior in either.
Then brings the question: what do you consider a high achiever? Is it wealth? Power? Or perhaps, bringing up your children well - this was of course brought up by Eve.
Most people would by default, consider it the former. A high achiever is commonly associated with materialistic accomplishments.
If I've travelled to more countries in the world than anyone else, am I a high achiever?
If I can speak 30 different foreign languages, am I a high achiever?
If I have done much charity and helped mankind, am I a high achiever?
If I am a great pianist and bring joy to others with my music, am I high achiever?
Back to my very first question, unfortunately, or fortunately, I would choose a happy/carefree life over any form of wealth. Maybe that would mean I could never go far, who knows, but hey, what's the point of having so much if you don't enjoy it?
I'm also rather disillusioned about love, marriage and having children recently. I do not believe in forever love. How do you keep to ONE person all your life with all the temptations out there? How can you promise your love will not diminish with time and age? HOW?
When you live with someone and see this someone every DAY and NIGHT, where do you find time for yourself? Where do you find your own personal space? How do you have your own life, separate from his?
Why would anyone want to have kids? When you've children, you lose yourself, your life. You are not about you anymore, you are your child. It takes over you, it takes over your life. I'm afraid of losing ME.
I'm honestly thinking too much these days.
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