2004.
friends lost: 2
academics: 3 disappointments
breakups: 2
memories: jobs, july, pageant, berkelah, shanghai

goodbye 2004.
welcome 2005.
starting everything afresh.

things arent going well for me.. :(
but as usual, i take it with passiveness.
composure, girl.
as usual, life goes on.
no big deal.
at least you weren't in phuket.

back from berkelah, back from shanghai.

a mixture of feelings. happy to be back to the warm sg, no more thick coats! dont have to put on gloves, shoes, soaks, lip balm, jeans.. freeze no more.. the temp there on average is around 4 to 8 degrees? seriously..you'll freeze when the wind blows in ur face. can feel the chill in the bones. shiver shiver shiver..bRrr.. it's so cold that i dont even feel like shopping..that's amazing u know! considering how much i love shopping. just want to like stay in the hotel room..n feel warm..

frankly speaking, i dont like shanghai. there isn't much to see there, the only thing u can do is shop eat shop eat shop eat. the food there is cheap. we ordered a LOT of food but on average the amount each of us spent in each meal is..$3? winter time..the food especially oily..very delicious..but very unhealthy. my mum said it's necessary to eat oily food..if not u cant keep warm..

lots of fake branded goods in shanghai. the tourist guide we had for one day told us, the chinese are best in manufacturing fake stuff. whatever is successful, u'll see its duplicate in no time. so there is like a shopping village n the things there are 100% fake. LV, gucci, chanel, dior, nike, ck, addidas, burberry..u name it manz. n if u ever go there..xiangyangjie, remember to BARGAIN. very impt. to at least half the price they offer. ok it goes like this, u ask them how much the obj is, then let's say they say 300, then u say too ex, they'll ask "then how much u want?" (in mandarin la duh), u say "150", they say "bu xing, tai shao le, 200 ba", then u must say cannot, then must persist until u get the price u want or somewhere close to it.

the service there sux. the waiters, salespple..all talk as if they have something against u. n lian chou chou de. but maybe it's just a few black sheep..some are nice..they are very good talkers. can coax u into buying stuff very well. the pple there are verrrrry rrrudddeee manz. the word "excuse me" dont exist in their dictionary! they just pUSH past u. damn irritating.

cds cheap, cab fare cheap, food cheap, fastfood cheap, winter clothing cheap, everything cheap..almost..

a bit sad to be back. back to the pressures n troubles of life.

i'm back! leaving for shanghai in 7 hours' time. berkelah was fun. a lot of things i wish i can type out now, but i'm really so tired. with that irritating flu, i really cannot make it liao. cant think coherently. another time..

uHoo.. i'll be leaving for malaysia, berkelah waterfalls in...approximately 3 hours time. :) excited? okies lar, not much feelings now. feeling a bit worried actually cos i'm having on and off flu, still a little heaty inside cos my lips are still damn dry. hmm no worries, i'm a big girl, i can take care of myself..

i'll be back on wed night and leaving for shanghai on thurs morning. pretty rush huh. oh well.. should be okay lar. will miss everyone...

where is KC!! i need my bag!! i havent even packed yet! ahhh die die..

christmas wishes:
1. i want my mum n my dad to be happy..i hope they wont have to work so hard anymore..
2. i want my sis to do well in her studies..n stop being the blur blur girl she is.
3. i want my bro to stop going genting so much n gamble!! hope he studies what he wants in uni n do well.
4. for jas: be happy w him!
5. for zx: good luck for ur dance n stop being so stressed!
6. for andre: hope u get a bday cum christmas pressie from me soon.. hehehe..i promise i'll TRY not to forget, n dun worry, i'll return u ur money soon.
7. for wy: hey guy..be happy alright..one day u'll meet the girl who truly appreciates ur free flow of tea. :)
8. for tth: *censored censored censored..*

ok n for others who dont know abt my blog..i've wishes for them anyway..
9. for kenny: to stop flirting so much n find out what he wants soon..
10. for joel: be happy guy.. really..
11. for alex: be safe n sound, though the accident wasn't his fault, but riding on a bike is dangerous nonetheless..so be careful..
12. for sarah, teresa, zhaoqi: good luck in smu, med, law..
13. for amanda: stop smoking sooo much girl......
14. for everyone i didnt mention..merry christmas...

early in the morning. sigh i gonna work from 11 to 7 today! torturous. sales promoter at PS, promoting JABRA bluetooth wireless headset (jabra is the brand btw). low radiation! very comfortable! won best brand award in europe! market setter! 1 for 1 guarantee! WHOO isn't that cool?? oh no i'm nuts haha. truth is i dun really even know how to wear it. okok will try it later on the bus journey there.

thanks for the frap, for coming all the way down to my place, for dl-ing sch of seduction, for coming to send me back to hall, for helping me borrow the dresses, for reassuring me every minute, for helping me do the report, for offering to get the bag for me, for offering to do the list of comestic companies..for working during the hols....(it's for me isn't it?), for the lip balm, for the sweater, for the pink bag i'm about to get (=p)....thanks for entertaining me when i was bored, for the books (i promise i'll return u when i'm done!)...

thanks for being so sweet... :) truly touched.

dinner yesterday was grand. made me think a lot about money. haiz. somehow i can never imagine myself to be like one of them. but nothing is unattainable.. i need faith.

confidence. haha. learnt that from sch of seduction. to be able to seduce someone, u need confidence!!

okok i wish i have time to blog more, but i really gonna rush.

track 9-11 --> badminton 1-4. it was good. i'm not very tired. weird. guess the workout wasn't intensive enough. a bit stoned today. i really sux. i cant play badminton for nuts. track..no prob..who cant run..stamina..train lor.. if not what.. superwoman? never train then can run real fast? dun be dumb.

i cant stop thinking. daming is right. what reason do i have to be so troubled. let nature takes its course. what will be will be.

my damn lips are so dry. it has been like that for a week. irritating.

right or wrong right or wrong. i wish my heart was made of stone. i dont wanna feel. why feel? u chose it. so why cry? make up ur mind. stick to it. waver, u make everyone suffer. what's ur prob!? get a life will ya! do u ever learn ur lesssonn?? why is the same thing happening all over again?? oiii!!!!!!

i just want to be fair to you... someone once told me grey is dysfunctional. i shouldnt have let things moved on to this stage. it's cruel. i am not sure whether saying those things is any less cruel.. i'm sorry. i'm so so so sorry... to tell you the truth, i've actually contemplated putting away all my doubts, n starting afresh. you're worth it you know. ur feelings for me overwhelm me, to that point that sometimes u just leave me speechless. but.. i cant escape..the clutches of fear..of qualms..of memories.. the silent tears in the dark nights, wetting my pillowcase.. the excruciating pain of loneliness and loss.. the haunting memories.. the fist clenching my heart.. clasped, squeezed, crashed..

i know u wouldnt let me down. it's me. not u.

a lost soul prefers to be lost herself. not lead others further into the unknown. 2 endings: happiness or sorrow even more unbearable.

the lost soul chose to end. rather than risk encountering the unbearable.

today is quite a cool day. track and badminton in the morning. exhausted after that. slept a bit in the afternoon. squash at night. just came back from supper. super tired. but dun feel like sleeping yet after such a heavy meal.

i dunno whether this makes sense, but i am starting to think track is the least complicated sport. all you do is run. u rarely have to learn how to run. unlike for other sports, there are techniques to be learnt. u just run. it doesnt matter whether the other contestants are snickering at u, doesnt matter if u lose focus, or start thinking abt useless stuff..cos no matter what..u just have to run. ur legs still move the same way, nothing is gonna affect it. of course there are factors like determination, perservance...which is present in every sport...but comparatively track is still much simpler..

ok am i making sense? i thought of all these cos i played really badly in squash. sigh.

okies another week of intensive trg ahead. i'm really a "san miao zhong re du" person. ultra short attention span. it has only been a week n i'm already getting tired of the trgs. overdose of sports is taking its toil. blueblack toes, blisters, fatigue. program for tmr: 9-11 track, 2-5 badminton, 9-11PM squash. whOO hoO.. but i might just skip squash if things get too bad. i still have the whole week ahead.

happy these days.. thank you for making my day. thank you for making me smile. :)

usually only my right palm suffers cos of squash, now both hands have blisters! my thighs are aching, toes n fingers hurting, eyes tired.. but hey, like i said before, exercising makes me feel good. hockey was fun! it is one of the sports i enjoy the most..dont know why also.. cant believe time passes so fast.. it's almost 1am now.. should sleep soon.. dont wanna wake up feeling groggy tmr morning.. weird.. i'm sleeping earlier than i used to sleep during sch days.

exercise is good, for both the mind and the physical body. it feels good after exercising so much, n then u feel so tired that u just want to lie on the floor, stare at the sky, ur mind completely blanked out, just letting fatigue wash over u, n feel nothing...

ihg softball trg in the morning on the field. maybe cos most of the games i usually play are on courts, i never realised how nice it is to be on the vast green field. amazingly how the lustrous green grass has a soothing effect...makes one feel...close to nature..? i find it difficult to relate how i feel then now.. cos after all now i'm in the comfort of my room, fan overhead, melodious music at the background, lappie conveniently in front of me.. that fleeting moment, that fleeting feeling, cannot be preserved..only to be captured at that moment then and there...

ihg badminton soon after that. softball was slack, but fun. badminton was enriching. haha training for a sport is certainly different from recreational playing. we learn techniques, fixed skills. but of course they couldnt be mastered in such a short time. every sport takes practice. it was intensive. it was fun. i sux at both sports. but i had fun. that is the most impt thing right? :)

u know..there are people in your life who always have a place in ur heart.. u know it takes just this much to cross the border, yet u understand if u cross the border, u'll be risking much..probably a much treasured friendship? someone told me to live for the moment. no he didnt tell me, he reminded me. perhaps in the midst of protecting myself, of forming this shield around me, i have forgotten the motto which i had once held so firmly...

excellent squash, netball, softball and track trainings all fall on the same days same time. how! i can't possibly play everything at the same time! hockey will most likely be on tues n thurs so no prob, i hope though it hasn't been confirmed. it seems hardly productive to go for a different sport each day...mon softball, wed netball, fri track? hmm..but if not how?? maybe i'll just end up going for none..hahah just kidding, it's a good opportunity to train up.

lalala yesterday was nice. played badminton w terence, kc and kenny till 4am. 4am can u imagine!! that's like how late. we had fun though, talking quite a bit. did justice to the horrendous high calories meal i had earlier in the day at newton..stingray n cockles!!

went zouk last night. it was packed. saw many familiar faces. the law guys were there, hall friends, nus friends, met friends i haven't seen for a damn long time like roy and leonard.. it was nice seeing people i havent seen for such a long time... i didn't get drunk..haha..high yes, drunk no. very good....this is really unhealthy. i really should cut down.. it's having disastrous effect on my complexion. i want to run, want to swim, want to go sentosa..time to engage in healthy activites..

many happy couples around me now. my sis n her bf. still going strong after 1 yr!! amazing! for a relationship to be so stable at such a young age. she certainly doesnt take after her sis haha. her bf is really sweet, let her climb all over his head haha. jas n her 2 guys (hehe yes even though u're troubled i still envy u). amanda n zh. couples who are blissfully in love...sigh...

went for this inspiring product demo yesterday. it wasn't meant to be inspiring. but the hostress injected her speech with so much humour, so much insights and thoughts about her real life experiences, that it really got the audience eating out of her hands. well for me at least cos she revealed so much wisdom and truth..she is rich beyond words, clever, witty, capable, looks 10 years younger than her actual age..wah..my role model!

nic said it's unhealthy to be cynical about life at my age. indeed. time to be happier. today looks good. bright sunny day outside. no obligations to go out with anyone. just gonna stay at home and read books, watch tv, use the net..slack..

been watching love generation. this is at least thr 3rd time i'm watching it. i love the show!! it's the most romantic show i've ever watched.. the female lead came to tokyo from a small town in the mountains. in a scene, she told the male lead,"ever since i came to tokyo, i've been trying to find myself, find what i really want from life, find the thing that would make me happy. but all i've met is obstacle after obstacle.. but now that i've found u, i feel there's no need to find anymore, because all i want is to be with you.. as long as i'm with u..i am happy.."

yea i think i understand that kind of feeling. sometimes..you dont need money, dont need car, dont need big house or fame or anything in the world..you just need that one person and ur life is complete.