my secret dream

Ever since young, secondary school perhaps, I have this dream of living abroad. It doesn't have to be permanent, just maybe at least half a year? I just want to experience living in a foreign country. Coming from an elite school, I see many of my peers having the opportunity to do that. Because either they are super smart and got a scholarship, or their families are rich enough to fund their overseas studies, or they could be super smart and super rich too, the perfect combination to go anywhere you want in the world.

Unfortunately for me, though I am from the same so-called elite environment, I'm just so-so. I'm not super smart, and I'm not rich. My grades were decent enough to be admitted into an overseas college, but not good enough to earn a scholarship. My family is middle-class, and my mum even discouraged me from doing an exchange program when I was in NUS.

If there was one thing to regret, it would be that I didn't fight hard enough to chase my dream.

Maybe secretly, I lacked the courage to venture into a whole new arena myself.

Fast forward 10 years, I've a family now, with 2 children. That dream seemed even further now.

One day, one day.

Maybe when the kids are grown up. Big G and I can go somewhere just to live for a while.

At peace

As I was carrying Baby Heidi just now, I suddenly felt blessed.

Nothing new happened. I didn't strike lottery. It's just the same old bright sunny day. Just like any other day.

I feel blessed because I have a cute and feisty 2.5 year old, who is in her terrible twos now and is often very naughty and uncontrollable. But at the same time, she is so adorable and says/does the sweetest/funniest things that melt my heart. 

I feel blessed because Heidi has kind of recovered from her cough, though still a little phlegmy. She is such a joy to take care of now, smiling all the time! She cries, of course, but not excessively (for now at least). She wakes up 2-3 times at night - that I can cope with, since she drinks and then go right back to sleep. She has pretty eyes, one look you can tell these eyes do not come from the Tay genes, but from the Batchelor genes. Those eyes melt my heart now. 

That's it really.

Money in the bank account is still dwindling, since I've no income now.

Kidselle's future is still in a state of grey.

Big G's business is not fantastic, but ok, we still can get by for now. 

Yes, but all is still great. 

of doubts and motherhood

Can I just concentrate on being a good mom, and not think about other things? This question has been in my head the past few days. 

Heidi is only 7 weeks old, yet in the past 7 weeks, I can hardly say I've been taking care of her wholeheartedly. There have been so many distractions and things to think/worry about.

For one, I never stopped working on Kidselle. I'm on it any free time I have. I'm constantly thinking of ways that can help to boast business. It has been quite kind of demoralising so far. From my promotional efforts, I've seen some sales but they are still pathetic. I'm besieged with doubts. I've no idea if my idea is workable, or if I'm just being idealistic. I don't mind working hard, but what if even work hard gets me nowhere? It's not so much of the hard work that scares me, but the grayness of it all. What if it never works out and this whole thing is just a big waste of my time and resources?

Doubts - it has to be the number 1 dream killer.

I have to constantly remind myself - Joseph Schooling took 7 years to win the Gold medal; Airbnb was earning $200/week at a time; Jack Ma was rejected from Harvard Business School; JK Rowling's words: Rock bottom become the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.

For the past few days, I've stepping down on my efforts. Attempting to regroup. Attempting to find some glimpse of inspiration. Recharging so that I can continue to fight.

The moment when you truly fail is when even you yourself, your only supporter, fail to believe in yourself.

**

Onto motherhood and being a mother of 2. No one told me, that the hardest was not the taking care of the newborn. The hardest was having to manage my no. 1 and her feelings on having attention diverted from herself. She rejected me, initially. She threw massive tantrums. She hurt me and left me in tears. We were best buddies. We did so many things together. It was difficult, although my rationale told me it was only a phase. A defence mechanism to deal with the entrant of her sister.

I kept trying. And I'm glad things are starting to return to normalcy. 

We are extremely active parents. We used to bring Gisele out practically every weekend, or wherever we have pockets of time, even during the weekdays. We've tried to keep up to that but with a 7 weeks in tow, it's really difficult. The small one will be attached to me ALL the time. I will need to nurse her, change her, deal with her on the go. Not to mention my diaper bag is HEAVY.

Hence, for now, I think it'll do to slow things down a little. Try to entertain the bigger one at home. Things WILL get easier with Heidi is older, right?

Heidi is down with an awful bout of cough and flu too. Poor baby. Can't wait for her to get well! Am totally inexperienced to deal with sickness this early in life because Gigi never fell sick! Her first real sickness (fever) was at 11 months old. Makes me wonder what I did wrongly this time round... Is Heidi's immunity system weaker because of something I did/ate?

Nonetheless, I'm very proud to be the mother of 2 pretty princesses. Not a day goes by when I gazed at their angelic faces and count my blessings. 

Gisele and Heidi, the loves of my life. 

 30 july 2016 - one month old

 31 july 2016

 7 aug 2016, watching peppa pig at resorts world

loving the popcorn 

9 aug 2016