Fast forward 2 years

It's amazing that this blog still exists today, and that I'm actually here posting another entry after 2 years of hiatus. 

2 years have passed since my last entry, and boy, how my life has evolved!

The few big deals that have happened:

1. I got married! 

They say marriage is one of the biggest events of a woman's life (note I specified woman and not man!). We (me guilty as well), spend hours visioning the most romantic wedding setting in our head. A wedding by the deep blue sea, rose petals sprawled across the white sandy beach, soft music playing at the background, man and woman walk down the aisle with friends and family in celebration of their bliss and happiness...

You get the idea.

Although reality normally screams something different when you consider the financial costs, the weather, the inconvenience etc.

I got a somewhat similar version of it, and I'm really contented. Because finally, when it was, for REAL, my turn to plan a wedding, I realised none of this really mattered. Yes, of cos I didn't want anything too shabby, but extreme extravagance was not necessary. I love him. I want to live the rest of my life with this man. I know this from the deepest of my soul, and no fancy wedding was required to re ascertain this point. 

Nothing would have diminished my happiness. 

That being said, I only had 2 months to plan my wedding, not exactly the longest of time. :p Most couples would have at least 6 months to a year.

On 28th July 2013, myself, and Glenn Luke Batchelor, the love of my life, joined as one.

Quoting the last line from my vows: 

'if i was to leave this world one day, please let it be one day before you, so that i never have to live a single day without you.'

2. Pregnancy

Have you already guessed it? I discovered I was pregnant with the second love of my life on 16 May 2013. Although it wasn't the most conventional sequence for a couple to have a baby, we were both overjoyed. A new life growing in me - what an amazing, un-explainable feeling, so much so that I don't even know how to put it in words. 

All I know is, a huge responsibility is coming my way. Actually it had already started. From the moment I knew I'm pregnant, I am already responsible for someone else's life. Whatever I do/say/eat/drink/listen etc, it has direct impact on this thing that is growing inside me. As such, I made it a point to eat healthily. Some people think I'm overly careful, but hey, I do not want to look back and regret that I did not do better for her. She is essentially OUR product, to put it crudely. As with all parents, I only want the best for my child.

As the year progressed, my tummy grew bigger and bigger. Motherhood was looming. I was excited/worried/curious. 

How will my life change? Am I up to the task? How will she look like? 

 Towards the end of the year, WHEN IS she ever coming??

3. My morning glory

And the miracle arrived on 31 Dec 2013. What a cliche, but...it's true! When I first held my baby in my arm, my first thought was 'you mean this thing was inside me all this time?? how did it fit??' haha. Actually no, my first thought was, 'yes! she is finally out!!! mummy is exhausted!'

It took me quite a bit of effort to get her out you see. In fact, gisele claire batchelor didnt want to come out despite my best efforts (pushes), and in the end had to be vacuumed out. Sorry baby, I really tried.

My water bag burst on 30 Dec and so had to be admitted into hospital immediately.Doc Yang was kind enough to delay the induction so that I could give birth on the last day of the year as per my wishes, ok otherwise she would have been borne a day earlier.

She is beautiful. She is perfect. I'm bias. I'm a mother.

When she smiles, she chases all the grey clouds from the sky. There's no gloom, there's only rainbow.

She is my morning glory. 

4. Aftermath

The first few weeks were tough. I was hurting, but the pain faded away after 2 weeks. As with any newborn, feeding was done around the clock. She had jaundice on day 5, and had to be hospitalized for 2 nights. Being a new mother and all, I was devastated. It had something to do with all the hormones and emotions after giving birth as well. I was still fat, losing only 5kg after the delivery. My milk hadnt come in, and I was pressuried to give formula which I strongly against. She cried, and it turned the world upside down. There were times when I felt lousy and helpless, but I'm never one that indulge in negative feelings.

All tough times will pass. Things will get better and they did get better. I'm grateful of all the help that was rendered to me, from my well meaning friends, family and the confinement lady during the first month. My hubby was my pillar of support, standing by me, encouraging me all these times.

To mothers to be, one piece of advice is to read more before your delivery. Knowledge is indeed power. Once you know what you're in for, you know what to look out for or to avoid, and what advice to take or disregard. 

And so yes, I would like to think that the worst have passed (or has it?). Our little princess has grown exponentially thus far. At 4 months + 6 days, she is around 7kg+ and 64cm. Her daddy likes to call her the 90 percentile girl, meaning she is above the average size for a baby. Nothing to be taken too seriously. As long as she is healthy and happy, that's all that matters.

5, Goodbye toshiba

I have made a decision, to step out of my comfort zone. Am leaving the job of 5 years and going into children's gym business with a partner. To outsiders, going into business is EXCITING. Of course it is, you dont know what you're going to get. But there's always this nagging worry - what if things dont go well? What of failure? Then how? 

So i remind myself: 

NO PAIN NO GAIN. 

NO RISK NO GAIN.

In life, sometimes we have to take that leap of faith.

I mean, what's the worst that can happen..? We will just lose our time and investment, but we'll probably gain an awful lot right?

Optimism has always been my forte. Sieving that peek of light in pitch darkness. 

And there's this article i read; taken from the link : http://markmanson.net/10-life-lessons-excel-30s.

6. Don’t Be Afraid of Taking Risks, You Can Still Change

“While by age 30 most feel they should have their career dialed in, it is never too late to reset. The individuals that I have seen with the biggest regrets during this decade are those that stay in something that they know is not right. It is such an easy decade to have the days turn to weeks to years, only to wake up at 40 with a mid-life crisis for not taking action on a problem they were aware of 10 years prior but failed to act.” (Richard, 41)

“Biggest regrets I have are almost exclusively things I did *not* do.” (Sam, 47)

Many readers commented on how society tells us that by 30 we should have things “figured out” — our career situation, our dating/marriage situation, our financial situation and so on. But this isn’t true. And, in fact, dozens and dozens of readers implored to not let these social expectations of “being an adult” deter you from taking some major risks and starting over. As someone on my Facebook page responded: “All adults are winging it.”

“I am about to turn 41 and would tell my 30 year old self that you do not have conform you life to an ideal that you do not believe in. Live your life, don’t let it live you. Don’t be afraid of tearing it all down if you have to, you have the power to build it all back up again.” (Lisa, 41)

Multiple readers related making major career changes in their 30s and being better off for doing so. One left a lucrative job as a military engineer to become a teacher. Twenty years later, he called it one of the best decisions of his life. When I asked my mom this question, her answer was, “I wish I had been willing to think outside the box a bit more. Your dad and I kind of figured we had to do thing A, thing B, thing C, but looking back I realize we didn’t have to at all; we were very narrow in our thinking and our lifestyles and I kind of regret that.”

“Less fear. Less fear. Less fear. I am about to turn 50 next year, and I am just getting that lesson. Fear was such a detrimental driving force in my life at 30. It impacted my marriage, my career, my self-image in a fiercely negative manner. I was guilty of: Assuming conversations that others might be having about me. Thinking that I might fail. Wondering what the outcome might be. If I could do it again, I would have risked more.” (Aida, 49)

Less fear, more courage. 

And closing off, this is why I have the time to be writing this post today. I'm serving my notice period and will be embarking on the next chapter of my life come June.

Wish me luck!

I flip through those frozen pictures of memories
Image after image, evidence of our happiness
Evidence that once upon a time, when there were no doubts to speak of
No questions about the future reverberating in my head
I find the familiar ache coming back
The moist feeling springing inside my eyes
But I've got to get a grip
And believe that this will all pass through

Am I going to give up without a fight?
Is he giving up without a fight?
What to make of those years that have passed?
What to make of those smiles in the photos?

Isnt this what you wanted?

and there's a dull aching in my heart

that just wont go away

every time i look back

at the passage of memories

i just want to weep and weep and weep

First Post for 2012 - Way overdue!

First post for 2012! With a blink of an eye, 4 months have passed me by. Spring is almost gone and summer beckons. A quarter of a year is DONE DEAL.

I wanted to write more religiously since India, but dont seem to be keeping to my word. It's tough to keep track of life. It's tough to remember that you have to REMIND yourself that every day is precious and to make the best out of it. You just kind of do what you always do and let slip...

Something I read from an email sent by this guy from one of the Project Angel groups

Letting go is painful, but not letting go is more painful.

Controlling your anger hurts you, but not controlling your anger hurts others.

Forgiving is forgetting, and forgetting is forgiving.

walking back 2011...

Counting down to 2012, 3 more days to go.

Looking back 2011, what have I done?

1. I made my first trip to Japan, Hokkaido. Though it was a company trip where I had the chore of entertaining business partners, I was surprised to find that I enjoyed Japan very much. All white and snow and clean and pretty, I finally why some people call Japan their favourite country. Skied and nearly rolled down the hill - have slight phobia of skiing ever again.

2. Had to cancel my personal trip to Japan that I spent months planning, because of the earthquake. Sad.

3. Planned my Eastern Europe trip in a month and went there 16-30 May. Visited, in sequence - Berlin - Warsaw - Krakow - Prague - Vienna - Budapest - Salzburg - Munich. It was a bit of a whirlwind holiday but still extremely enlightening and enjoyable. Favs: Krakow and Salzburg.

4. Picked up golf and gave it up.

5. Went downhill at my job and went to work feeling gloomy for a period of time.

6. Got offered a job and turned it down. That's when I realised money is all THAT important to me.

7. Went India. Loved it again.

8. Went Cambodia and visited the school we built back in 2006. Touched that it's still strong and standing after all these while. The affinity for this place is still as strong as ever.

9. Got really drunk 3 times this year, or at least from what I still can remember.

10. Took my grade 2 piano exam and was so nervous I thought I screwed it up. But I passed, yay!

11. Started having a thing for classical music since I picked up piano.

12. My bestie is a mother and has a cutie son.

13. Encountered a change of job scope to cover South Asia. Excited yet doubtful, whether it's sufficient to sustain my enthusiasm.

14. Made my first trip (business) to Sri Lanka.

15. Started drinking more wine, eating more good food, and reading a lot more books. Currently reading 1Q84.

One Day

Once again, I find myself in a downward spiral.

I can't think. I refuse to think. I've functioning on autopilot mode.

It seems like despite getting what I wanted, or rather having all options available and having the free will to choose whatever I want, I'm still not happy.

I'm on the book One Day. This is a novel on missed opportunities. I don't want to look back and realised I've missed something.

"You can live your whole life not realising that what you're looking for is right in front of you."

Honestly, I just feel like sitting on a sofa, next to a floor-to-ceiling glass pane. Outside, there's greenery and water and small animals and sunshine is pouring in. Tucked with a book and a cuppa of coffee.

That's life isnt it.

one by one

When things are lining up in queue waiting for you to handle, the only way is to take things one at a time, isnt it? It means prioritising and skipping non-urgent, not important stuff as a whole.

I hate to admit it, and I refuse to admit it but I'm starting to feel the heat. I'm the sort that feels uncomfortable if I know any pebbles are left unturned.

Therefore I need to constantly remind myself to keep things slow and steady, one by one. Haste creates more waste.

I need that, to retain my sanity. And my pride does not allow room for failure.

my dear friend

I meant to say. I did something wrong many years ago. Something that was seemingly innocuous to me but inconsiderate, hence I ended up hurting a close friend of mine a lot and eventually losing her at the beginning of this year.

I admit, I havent tried very hard to win her back, and I'm not sure if i understand why myself. Why havent I tried harder? Why?

It isnt that she isnt important to me. I swear I've always thought of her as one of my bridemaids on my wedding day. She is 'by default'.

We go back a long way.

I remember the time we learnt dancing together. I wasnt interested, i was just curious, and I joined because of her.

I remember the afternoons we spent swimming ands tanning.

More recently, I remember getting drunk and waking up at her place.

These memories count a lot, dont they?

One day one day, please forgive me. I know we'll be good friends again.

I miss the hysterical, emotional, paranoid, uncontented you.

come away with me

"But you can touch everything and be connected to nothing."

I was watching a hk drama at the usual 8pm time slot. The man learns of the devestating in indo and wants to leave everything behind in hk, be a volunteer and help to rebuild the houses. At the same time, he wants to take photos of the reality of life and see the world.

The girl, upon learning his intention, was dismayed. She wants a stable career, a family, and a simple life.

She said she doesnt need to see the world.

He said, come with me and lead a free life. I promise I'll make you happy.

She said, how can you just leave everything behind? Why are you so impractical?

He said, lots of people do that. Why can't you for a moment see from my point of view?

She said, so why can't you see from MY point of view?

Two people who clearly loves each other, but with totally different objectives in life. Who will give in to who? Love indeed does require people to make sacrifices...

they just aint perfect

"i asked you what you thought about your parents..."

"i asked if you felt they were perfect or needed improvement.."

"you said they werent perfect, but they didnt need improvement"

"..it means you're willing to accept people the way they are. nobody is perfect. not even mum and dad. that's okay."

- have a litte faith, mitch albom

My eyes turned blurry when i read this. I was suddenly struck by a wave of emotion.

It was at the moment, I realised I've been blaming my parents all these time. I've been blaming them silently, deep inside, unknowing even to myself.

I blamed them for not pushing me hard enough. I blamed them for not giving me as much as what other parents would have given. I blamed them that despite my perfect grades, I wasnt given the opportunity to do better in life when i could easily have. I blamed them for not giving me advice when i most needed it. I blamed them for not exerting enough control over me, letting my life went haywired for a while.

Sometimes, I blame them for not loving me enough.

Now i understand. they just ain't perfect, and I shouldnt have expected them to be.

Just as when I'm a parent myself, there'll be areas where I'll be lacking in, and my kids might resent me for.

You just got to understand that nobody is perfect.

potassium

They called me an unpolished diamond.

I pretend I do, but I don't really see it.

He told me to:
1. Fine-tune, tone down
2. Work hard
3. Set the bar higher

Noted, but how do I do that? I don't know how to.

I'm a potassium - highly reactive and explosive.

Disgressing:
From Jerry Maguire...
"I pretended that the proposal by the car was real, it might just have been hypothetical, but at least I can do something about it now..."

all things beautiful

My thirst for all things beautiful;
let's celebrate life

A beautiful of classical music by Bach
Admiring a Starry Night by Van Gogh
Watching the green pastures pass me by as we ride a train to Austria
A dog wagging his tail as he greets you at the door
Saddened by a tragic story of a novel
Touched by the eternal sunshine of a spotless mind
Eating muffins with beloved colleagues
Laughter and joy over the most nonsensical jokes
Foie gras that melts in the your mouth
A glass of red wine, or many glasses..that leaves you craving for more
Architectural wonders of Singapore, bright shimmering lights...
Touched by love...

Yes, let's celebrate life.

my poison

A meal without wine is like a day without sunshine,
except that on a day without sunshine
you can still get drunk
- Lee Entrekin.

Apple

"My job is to not be easy on people. My job is to make them better.”

“You can’t just ask customers what they want and then try to give that to them. By the time you get it built, they’ll want something new.”

3 Apples changed the world;
the Apple that Adam ate
the Apple the fell on Newton
the Apple that Jobs created

Selfless love

Love is always selfish, the only difference is the ratio. The ratio of your self-centredness vs how much you're percentage of your heart and soul that you're willing to give away.

I'm a selfish lover. I'm too practical, too experienced. So is he. We've seen too much, we've been through too much.

The only unconditional love that exists in this world is probably that between mother and child.

Selfless love. This is the reason I find this concept so luring.

city girl, small town heart

Just came back from a 4 days not-that-exciting, holiday-like trip in east Malaysia. i flew to Brunei, took the car to miri, flight from miri to bintulu followed by bintulu to sibu. i was chasing planes to come home, from 2.30pm yesterday, i took the plane from sibu to kuching, kuching to KL and lastly from KL to Singapore, home sweet home.a little bit of drama here, i made it for my flight but my luggage didn't. to be honest, i wasn't very surprised. i actually had to rush quite a fair bit to make it on the flights myself. so i guess that was why i wasn't too agitated when i heard my luggage had to take the next flight in. in the end. it arrived at 12.40am on my door steps.

This trip was..well..i cant find the right adjectives to describe it. boring yes, in a sense, most of these places I've been to last year besides sibu. meeting dealers was a chore, i didn't have the heart and enthusiasm to speak to them. I've changed, the marissa who came last year was different. i didn't work much, because i simply talked little and asked little questions.

Though that's not i have not gained anything from this trip. i have in fact, an insightful view of the way of life in small towns like these. sometimes by merely listening, you can decipher a fair bit. i appreciate their lives. slower, but not without their own pressures and troubles. slower doesn't necessarily to an easier or happier life, that we have to realise.

Less expectations definitely. and the way they see life in a big city, is not unlike a goldfish in an aquarium, peering at the outside world. it looks glittery and glamorous, but they are resigned to their lives, and they're completely at ease with NOT being part of it. outsiders like us think - how can anyone live like that? But everyone has their own way of life. I've learnt that a lot of things ingrained when you're young, defines who you are. it CREATES you.

I just finished the book Never Let Me Go during this trip. it started out uneventful, but as the story flows, bits and pieces were revealed that exposes a fantastic plot beneath. this is the reason why i say a lot of who you are depends on how you're brought up and the environment. the papers yesterday says that the ministry of education is incorporating character and moral building into the youngsters' curriculum, and stuff like self-awareness etc. from what i see, this is definitely important, but they should also draw importance away from the usual subjects of maths and science, and cultivate love for other things in life which were previously considered unimportant and irrelevant to a human being's future.

For example:

Love for music
Love for nature
Love for design
Love for cooking, art...

These are important too right?

We need to break away from the stereotypes of the society. Like seriously, we need to stop functioning like a corporation. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with wanting to make money, but if this is not what you want, we need to have the courage to say hey, no, i want to do something else, and have the courage to pursue that something else, despite what people say.easier said than done of course, it's not easy to ignore what people say. We're social creatures after all..

This is why sometimes I wish I didn't grow up in this society. it has reared us in the way that we think this is what we want. We actually believe in it, because this was the way we're brought up. influence from a young age is hard to alter. how else do you think they train child soldiers in Sri Lanka?

I'm still looking for my own non-stereotype.

"sometimes you have to let things go, in order to let better things come into your life"

Miri

I rejected an offer to head out tonight. This is unlike me. A year ago, I would not have even considered not joining. A year ago (more than that actually), I was in Miri. A year ago, I was in Ipoh. Have I changed? Or perhaps the company just wasnt right.

I have been drinking too much lately. So much so that I'm starting to fear. Fear for my health, fear for my insane behaviour. This fear was also unthinkable a year ago.

I treasure my time alone now. Alone in the hotel room. Just by myself. Me and my thoughts.

On another note, I found out I passed my piano exam, with merit. I was SO relieved. I can move on to the next phase.

I'm bored already. Man, I still have 2.5 more days. Help me get through them. I wonder which is worse, staying in Singapore and get BORED, or coming here and feel BORED.

Is there a difference?

the melancholy of flying away

en route - singapore to brunei

At the airport now, waiting for my flight to Brunei, the first destination of my 4 days East Malaysia tour.

The skies are grey and dark clouds are looming. There's something melanchoic about the scene. I could just sit here and stare at it forever, oh yeah and probably sink into some kind of depression haha, with my thoughts running amok.

lacunar infarct

"Transfiguratively, lacuna comes to mean a gap, deficiency, or loss. The term "lacunar infarct" refers to a stroke that involves a small area of the brain responsible for a specific function, or ever a specific memory.

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot! / The world forgetting, by the world forgot / Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! / Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd."

It just goes to prove you can never fully erase a memory.

It just keeps coming back.

And so I find a corner in my mind, somewhere no one has ever been to before, somewhere quiet and tranquil, where no one can find me, and place all my memories inside, gently and carefully. And before I leave, I whisper to it: I'll be back to visit you once I'm ready. Till then, please be safe.