emotional

it has been a while since i last blog. last week has been hectic, as usual. i need to tell myself that it's ok not to have free time, it's ok if i dont pack every slot of my day to the brim. someone told me recently, that i'm a different person now..and that he is starting to lose me. i'm drifting further and further away. i asked him, so what exactly is different about me? was i kind in the past, and evil now? was i fat, and now skinny? the fact is, they cant be stated down explicitly. it's felt. it's not visible. it's psychologically, it's mental, and it's all in the head. the head is a powerful tool eh.

i feel different too. a well concocted, an impenetrable mask, that i'm forced to put on at certain times in order to protect myself. it's survival instincts. nonetheless, under that seemingly composed veneer, i know i'm still me. i still cry, i still blush, i still care, i still hurt...

it's beneficial in certain ways that i've learnt the art, but on the flip side, it is eating away my soul, piece by piece..

it was today when i truly experienced an upheaval of emotions. i'm a tear-baby. once i start, it takes little more to trigger off another stream of tears.

things just aint going well. studies are going dismally downhill. my last test was a disaster, i think i topped the cohort, from the back. the worst thing is that i know i'm capable of better results. this is not me.

ok enough of this. i hate to mourn over spilled milk.

btw just to address people who have tagged on my tagboard, it certainly has been entertaining recently, so thanks for the entertainment value. besides that, i really got nothing more to say. if i say i dont care, it's gonna sound pretty dumb cos if i dont care, i wont say i dont care..but the actual fact is, i really dont care. hah.

to my dearest, whom i've celebrated my first one yr anniversary with last thurs, we've come so far..the road has certainly not been without its obstacles, yet we're still together. thank you for your tolerance..i dont know how this relationship would have survived without that. happiness.. :)

may i also mention that we watch 'the break-up' at starlight cinema. what an ironic show to watch on our big day. nonetheless i enjoyed the show, even though it wasnt the usual fairy tale happily ever after sort of ending. i found it extremely realistic and close to life..it's so real!! miscommunication between two people who clearly are in love, resulting in breaking up when one party has finally had enough.. "i've nothing left to give you..."

ok just to update on the numerous photo shoots i've been doing for the past few weeks. if u think u're going to scream seeing me neck up, then i suggest you close this page NOW. dont say i didnt warn you..


the most recent one i did on sat. it's a happy happy smile.
to give credits to the photogs, this pic is taken by rongren.



they called me the ah go go girl. retro is in.
taken by: yong tat


this was about 3 weeks ago..
taken by: colin


jump for joy
taken by: tommy

the rest of the pics are taken by phoa.

taken in a tub, my fav bikini at the moment.


contemplative, dont i look sad?


i look incredibly skinny here.


one last look at you, before i go..

evolution

sigh. it's 9.40 am, 20 mins to my jap tutorial. but the sky is grey, the wind is blowing, the thunder is roaring and it's starting to pour.. i dont feel like going to school..so here i am, sitting in front of my com, and typing this, watching the words run across the screen, feeling the wind on my skin, listening to the thunder reprimanding me....and missing my tutorial for the 6TH time this sem.

i'm feeling grey, grey...like the sky right now.

okay, it's really POURING hippos and rhinos now, which just further reinforced my determination not to go school now haha.

woke up early to finish up my lab report this morning, cos i was so drained last night that i fell asleep. rush rush rush..it actually feels good now just to be sitting in front of the com, listening to music, and having no one to disturb me. sis in school, bro working, no one to msn me...some time to myself. MY time.

colin was just telling us how a girl, a stranger to be exact, changed the way he looked at life, entirely, without even meaning to. she was just doing what she has always been doing. it's so strange how someone can just inadvertantly changed your life, like a bolt of lightning, hitting you when you least expect it. so when he said, "you've no idea how your job is, you really have no idea...", it hit me too, cos i never looked at things from that perspective.

i'm evolving, and i'm not sure whether i like it or not.

life these days

It's sat evening. A rainy afternoon. life has been pretty hectic with all the partying and working the previous days, hence explaining the lack of entries. so it was zouk on wed, which i have successfully managed to piss certain people off yet again. it was unintentional though, i must claim innocence over my insensitivity... followed by an awful thurs morning spent rolling around my bed, suffering from a spliting headache. thurs night: had my bikini catwalking session at carnaval, this cosy pub at chijmes. what can i say..sometimes it's just tough to draw a line between professionlism and maintaining your dignity. situations occur, you can only play by ear and cope with it the best you can. you only have yourself...

after work i made my first trip to bar none, a club at marriot hotel. this place is ruled by spgs and caucasians. felt slightly out of place with the norm crowd but yea, i'm beginning to feel that life is all about acting and blending in. there was a live band playing and they were fantastic. it was fun. not really the sort of fun you get when you hang out with close friends...a different kind..in the risk of sounding pretendious, i just felt i was under some sort of a facade the whole time.. like i'm not really me, i'm just pretending to be someone else. never mind, it's complicated.

and friday..to the birthday boy, be happy always! :)

and today, came back from a morning shoot at east coast. it went well, i hope. i was totally shacked out after that. came home, had lunch and before i know it, i concussed on the sofa.

the vacation is ending soon. it's time for me to get back to earth, and remember that i'm a student!

free living spirit

the past 2 days have been pretty interesting. i got to know this director from a production house through an event that i'll be doing on thurs. apparently he has a lot of assignments that required extras. so mon, i went down with terence and we acted as extras for an office scene in a deevapali special. hehe..which means it's gonna be shown on vasantham channel!!! wahhahha..still it was pretty interesting lar..and tues, we formed the background of a lobby scene, just office people walking around. a plain, ordinary, 10 secs shoot takes a bloody long timeee....the actual on air time just doesnt justify the time spent shooting..

ck, i'm sorry for the longggg loonnnnggg wait yesterday.......

went to timbre to watch arvin play last night. he is gonna leave for bristol this sat...sigh, it just serves to remind me that everyone is leaving me one by one.... by the end of jan next yr, i'll only have a handful of friends with me. :(..

i've been spending like nobody's business these days. just went through my bank transactions for the past 2 weeks and it was hORRendous. the quit shopping vow obviously didnt hold..

ahh..just to clear up all misunderstandings, i only meant that i would be damn sad if it was you, but i didnt actually think it was you...sigh..i'm sorry...i'm just making a mess out of all these, aint i.. :~(

slut-head

i dont really care if you think i'm a slut..so long as you're not one of my close friends, and you're not YOU. if you're YOU, i'm gonna be really sad.....

i've mixed feelings about how you're treating me. happy for you because finally you've managed to get rid of the leech. you can finally be the you that you love so much..and the happy you... sad beause..whatever it is, i still care for you, and i dont wanna see you go.....

but the decision is yours.

remember how similar we are? we're so similar that it's amusing to ourselves.. i understand.. just like i think you would understand..

so i've just returned from my morning photo shoot at sentosa, the 3rd one in the past month. i'm tired and burnt. colin even mentioned that he wont let me do any more bikini shoot already! cos the nissan people like their models nice and fair. what the...i'm pretty satisfied with today's shoot. i felt i've improved, but i'll only really know when i get my result slip, that is when i get to see the photos for myself.

events coming up..i'm a happy person, so long as i dont let my mind stray.

my greatest love

cambodia remains the greatest love of my life. :)

met up with the pa7 gang tonight at sentosa, siloso beach, after a long day spent travelling around singapore. the sounds of the sea and the sights of the night lights were pleasantly soothing to the soul, especially after a rough week. it was good seeing everyone again, crazy debbie dancing around like some mad woman; km the stray 'dog', who managed to enlighten me a little with his words of wisdom; fengyi, the organiser who meticulously planned the outing down to every single detail, just so to make sure nothing went wrong; liangguo the guy on drugs; hazel, the big mom; yongyao, the caretaker (dont ask me why i say this! i'm just typing whatever that comes to my mind first haha); qiming our beloved photographer, capturing the happiest moments of our lives...and me!!

so lanterns, candles, sparkles, pseudo 'shooting stars', sparking juice, yummy white chocolate cake accompanied us tonight..and the reminiscence of the lovely memories in cambodia..


to the kids i miss..

just look out of the window. the sky is blue, the grass is green, the sun is shining, every window exists a story of his own... the day is peaceful, tranquil..just an ordinary day.

i woke up this morning, sitting on my bed, just staring. staring into the blank space, staring into nothing in particular. my mind is a blank. something is wrong. i cant laid a finger on it, but something is very wrong.

i went about my morning routine as usual. i brushed my teeth, drank my usual cup of coffee, went online to check my mail. i bathed, and put on my best clothes, ready to go out.

just an ordinary morning.

just what have i done? i pushed my head back, willing the tears not to fall. who am i to cry? what right do i have to cry? troy fell because of helen. one woman. one girl...the core of all troubles, the reason for heartaches, the choice...i cant take it anymore. i dont want to think about it anymore, but everyone is forcing me, everyone is telling me that i have to. i KNOW i have to...

i want the old me. the me when life was just plain and simple and straightforward. the me whom i know, with principles, with beliefs, with ideals. the happy me...

did a short product launch for epson last night. the event was held at the jewel box at mt faber. a lovely place with breathaking views! i wouldnt mind if my wedding was held there manz. haha..below is a photo of all the models. :)



i'm finally done with my tests for this week..jap was fine, pharmacology was disastrous. it was bad, bad and BAD. i studied, though admittedly, it was with minimal efforts... sigh! one more lab report due this week..

let's run away

was just talking to leslie..it was a really short conversation that lasted for probably less than 10 mins. it seemed like the guys from my batch, the freshies, are experiencing what i did 2 years ago. embracing school and hall life, playing hard, skipping lectures, late nights, suppers, clubbing...... suddenly, i feel old. i feel...tired. perhaps everything is just taking a toll on me...

let's run away, to somewhere far far away, where no one knows me, and i know no one.

what is with the jadeness manz..what the hell, i'm only 21. hah.

today was a long long day for me. school was supposed to start at 9am, but once again i've decided that sleeping is far higher up my priority than my jap tutorial haha. skipped the 3rd jap tutorial for this sem! so classes officially started from 10am and ended at 6pm. phew. no lunch for me today.

went for nissan fittings after that. took an hour to get there by car from school! i was so pissed off by the traffic cos it was literally crawling. anyway i'm glad to find out that our uniforms are pretty nice! thank god manz....

2 tests coming up next week. it's really time i get down to some serious studying. but sigh..it's just so difficult. i'm simply not interested. i can study..i know i can, if i just bother to get down to it...but the absence of motivation just makes it all the more harder....

lost

a few photos from my recent photo shoot at sentosa again..





i dont know what has gotten into me.....

i'm losing it, i dont know who i am anymore.

i'm sorry, sorry and sorry.

life is screwed up.

my inspiration

just sometimes...when things dont go according to the way i wish they could have, i feel this teeny weeny bit discouraged.. am i really that lousy??? although i'm really referring to two very different issues, i am still able to relate totoday's session.. it reminded me that everyone falls down once in a while..no one has it all easy..just that most of the time we cant tell by just merely threading on the surface. at some point, everyone will meet with difficulties, obstacles..feel demoralised, and just wanna give up.... but a winner is one who picks himself up during tough times!

haha, positive is the way to go.

it's easier to work together with people who are striving towards a common goal.

if you had to choose between an orange and an apple, which would it be? an apple which you've made a commitment to, or an orange which you love and enjoy. it's a matter of prioritising.....

ok i've officially packed my week to the brim. almost, except for thurs, which i've tried my best to keep it as activities-free as possible, just so that i have at least one day to retain my sanity.

did another shoot on sunday at sentosa. sigh. saw some of the pics and they really didnt turn out the way i wish they had. sigh, a little disappointed with myself.

hey bestie, do cheer up. i'm sorry i cant be there for you all the time..but you know i care..SMILE AND BE HAPPY!!! your prince charming is still out there waiting for you...

and so, yawns. i shall end the day soon.

thoughts

i'm feeling extremely sleepy. *yawns* the lack of sleep these days isnt doing me any good. today is one of the rare days which i'm actually online when the sun is up. :) i wanna sleep..

"what is to be expected from the pursuit of happiness when we find the state of life to be such that happiness itself is the cause of misery?

why should we endeavor to attain that of which the posession cannot be secured?"

true eh.

believe it or not, i lost one of my heels that i was wearing in zouk last night. the strap came off midway while i was dancing, and so i took off the entire heel and laid it between my feet. some time later when i was prepared to go home, the heel was nowhere to be found.

sigh.

my senior once said
aim for the coconut tree, and if you fall, you land on the hard ground...
but if you aim for the sky, and you fall, you'll land on the coconut tree.....

it kind of takes courage to aim for the sky too.

once bitten, twice not shy

all was fine today, until a couple of hours ago. i had the shittiest night. sigh. i left my wallet on the bus, again!!! for the 2nd time in..what..a month?? i realised i left it there the moment i got off bus 14 and started searching around my bag for it. but you know what..my guardian angel has certainly been working hard manz. dearie fetched me to clementi interchange and i managed to retrieve my wallet there!! miraculously, the bus went through orchard, holland road, clementi and no one took it!

whee..am i lucky or wat..

i'm tired..i went hungry for quite a while before i ate dinner an hour ago. i'm sorry i screamed at you. it was just a shitty night.

i dont deny that i've been too caught up with my life recently. i'm always either too busy, or too tired. but you got to admit that your life seemed to revolve around your friends these days.. sometimes i really do wonder..is it my negligence..or do you prefer them to me..

yet another 7up bite weekend! believe it or not, my right hand is now impaired..from opening too many cans.


me and lenny in the hideous afro hair that we were made to wear..ugly it may be, but it certainly did the marketing trick. we attracted a whole lot of attention. we got several, "nice hair!" comments. haha..


alvin and 7up bites!


the mat and the two dwarves


me with little boy!

it's sch again tmr. sigh!

girl,
be strong.
time will heal all wounds.
believe...
i'll be here for you.

life works in a strange way.
i'm not someone who fuss over petty affairs,
to make a mountain out of a molehill.
i geniunely believe that i'm not...
more often than not, i'm able to take things in stride
to smile at the world despite the grey and dreary
life has much more shit for us to handle..
i know, i know.

but how is it wrong to care
to feel anxious over something you deem as important.
to be told it's wrong to feel..
to have one's feelings disregarded....
i simply dont understand
you've got it all wrong.

hold on to what you believe in..
and you'll be able to accomplish everything you want to..
so long as you believe...

watched the devil wears prada today. it's totally my kind of show haha. talk abt looking chic... stilettos, bags, coats, assessories, cosmetics..i know i sound shallow..but still..give the girl a break haha. it's just like guys going googoo and gaga over cars.

'we're spared the "perfect ending" and left with a heroine who can truly stand on her own two feet, and in any shoes she might desire.'

cool.

i want to give it my best
but i'm fighting a battle against time..
n the limitations of my physical strength
often i feel myself succumbing to fatigue
my eye lids are drooping..
i'm tired
though i havent done much
there's so much i should do
so much i could do...
so much i want to do....

sigh.

charge your senses with 7up bite!

charge your senses with 7up bite!

been working today and yesterday in orchard, promoting 7up's newest drink, 7up bite! it was pretty fun. we gathered crowds everywhere we go, since being singaporeans, no one would mind having a free drink on a hot sunny afternoon. the drinks were given out like hotcakes. at the end of it all, all our index fingers are blistered...because we opened so many cans....


me and veron!


me, veron and....alvin, the 7up boy!


poor alvin had to carry that bag of 7up cans everywhere we go. i must say the top makes him look rather gay hahah..


unloading


dont we look like girls from hooters? or some girls promoting beer? ok the theme was supposed to look BEACH like..

we'll be at east coast park next weekend, around macs area! come visit us if you're nearby k haha..

okay i went for WOMAD last night too. it was greaat..enjoyed the performances...there was this huge area where some artists were drawing on the floor with chalk..i decided to contribute my two cents' worth..and this is it....


hahaha..lame..they would probably have drawn something over it by now..


people people everywhere..


me and jassie..same earrings and tops with the same colours!!


the 2 of us acting spastic as usual

tired tired tired. the battle begins again tomorrow.

i was blind

i'm not an analytical person. when presented with a variety of choices, i dont do comparions, dont take into account the competition, dont analyse the hurdles nor consequences ahead.... i simply go with my feelings... i'm simply just do whatever that feels right for me...

dont they always say..you should just follow your heart?

if any things were as simple as that... perhaps i'm really just a very simple person. i dont really give much thought into situations, so long as the 'feeling is right'.

so when someone starts unloading a whole truckload of information to me, i suddenly feel...lost. it's as if...i was running in the jungle..directionless, and all of a sudden, someone comes along and asks me,"do you know where you're running to?".

it's true..whatever she said made a whole lot of sense. i supposed i've always known, just that i never took the time to stop and ask myself the same questions, though deep down inside, i've always known that something is wrong with the way i'm handling my life.

she is right, i'm in desperate need of a magnifying glass, to focus and burn.



i need to think, think and thinnnk!!!! sigh it's so tough being a human. there are so many things to think about.

why cant i just be like everyone else? a normal 21 yr old student...

stressed, tired, and jaded, before i have even taken any step.

how pathetic.

but yea..when all else goes wrong..just smile..right? :)

more photos

for once i look busty..hahaha..

emotional

today was a bad day. i havent felt so stressed in a long time, stressed to the point that i was practically close to tears. it wasn't a big deal; it wasnt even my problem to begin with, yet i'm unwittingly hauled into this shithole. so for a while, i was just comtemplating various solutions, turning them heads over heels in my mind, and listening to the supposed kind advice coming in from several concerned people around me.

so what if i'm naive? so let me be naive. who says i dont have my own thoughts and views..

it's not just this. there arent problems. technically speaking, i do not have problems, everything is going on...just fine. but when i start thinking about everything that i have had to do, but not completed yet..the weight starts crashing down on me.

sigh. emotional.

discouraging words hurt. all i need for you is to believe in me..not you, or you, or even..YOU. just people in general, or maybe i'm just referring to myself.

school is still pretty slack these days, thankfully. it's nice to snap back to sch life. i really do appreciate being a student. i love sch..ahahha i'm nuts.

i'm starting to talk in riddles, n most of you out there reading this probably have no clue to what shit i'm talking abt haha.

some photos from my recent sentosa shoot:




pained..i looked like i just got thrown into the sea haha.


the sea, the sunset, me and the sand



like a string pulled taut these days...ready to snap anytime...

i'm sorry i hurt you.

it's getting to me

the whirlwind of the entire week's of activities is finally getting to me. i guess the main reason for the sudden vexation should be due to the lack of sleep last night.. fatigue is making me irritated, irrational and i cant think straight. i feel as if the whole world is closing in on me....and i cant breathe....

in need of fresh air.

i really am no superwoman..there are so many things i wish to do, but so little that i can do..

lost nail

to the person who kicked me and caused my toe nail to come off, may a thousand bees sting your bum! grrr!

byebye hols, good day to sch

goodbye to the 3 months long hols that i've had. it feels like yesterday i just finished my last paper..but it feels so long as well..because i seem to have done so much in just merely 3 months. looking forward to school life again really..say i'm crazy..but i do love the feeling of being a student. rushing to lects, tutorials..meeting up with friends, crapping during lunch breaks in the canteen, hanging around after school, studying in the library...

it's a simple life. but dont everyone wish to have a simple life some time? no responsibilities, nothing to worry about, except whether you'll be able to hand up your next assignment on time, or whether you'll fail the next ca..

the real world is so much more complex. sigh.

why do i find myself colliding into walls, every time i find a new route..? obstacles never cease to exist.

dreamers dreaming

the similarities are startling. it reflects so much of my own thoughts that it's eerie. the grumbling of how some people are bornt with a silver spoon and having life easy, and the lamenting of why our lives cant be like that. nonetheless we know we should appreciate what we have, because we know that there are people out there who are far worse off, deprived of basic necessities and struggling to make ends meet everyday. in the end we tell ourselves, we are ok. life is good. we'll survive.

chasing the illusive dream. big dreams. dreams that seem so unlikely to materialise at this point in time. flying and exploring every corner of the earth. visiting places that we could only marvel on discovery channel now. opening a cafe that serves your favourite coffee. opening a pub that plays your favourite music and cocktails.

dreamers unite.

or..just simply..being lost. we want to find that one thing that matters most to us in life. we need to..and we are constantly searching. when will we find it, we wonder. so for now it's just: one day, one day.

endless stream of questions, but no answers.

met derrick, nic and andre in school. the last time i met derrick was at my bday party in jan, so i was really pleased to see him again yesterday. i realised they are some of my closest friends in life, and probably will remain that way for the rest of my life. it felt good that once again, all of us will be studying under the same roof again. oh well, not really actually, since the law dudes will be moving to their new campus. sigh.

tired, tired, tired. had only 3 hours of sleep since last night. time to catch up on sleep debt.

last getaway

back from my 4th and last overseas trip this summer hols.

guess what was the best part of the trip? the hotel room!! haha..we stayed at shangri-la again.


me and dearie in our hotel room

and then again, the shopping was good too. there are several giant shopping malls near the outskirts of kl and in the kl town area itself. in fact the shopping can be comparable to hk's...not as many boutiques but the fashion there caters more to my taste haha. footwear as well...everywhere is perpetually on sale. and things are much cheaper too..it helps that the exchange rate of ringgit to sg dollars is to our favour now.

as usual, i had quite a few good buys. dresses, heels, tops, skirts....:) i think my wardrobe has expanded quite in a bit over these three months. burnt a hole in my pocket as well..

been leading a good life over there..

we had dinner at this lovely jap restaurant opposite shangri-la, beside concorde hotel. it was lovely.


good ambience


good food



perfect place to bring a date to. wine, candles and music go the best together. the bill turned out to be equally beautiful.

pet safari

we visited this huge pet shop that sells all kinds of..um..pets of course haha. rabbits, fishes, iguanas, snakes, hamsters, dogs, cats blah blah...my fav is the chihuahua!!! so tiny and adorable...took this pic illegally! photography is actally not allowed in the shop..shhh..


indoor amusement park just next to times square


giant ikea! the largest one in south east asia


sleeping 'beauty'

smile!

a photo to bring sunshine into your life on a rainy day! pic courtesy of kelvin yong! haha..he took this pic when he was in japan, and guess what, this photo did not go through any photoshop-ing at all! 100% original.. :)

going kl tmr, back on thurs..more shopping to come.

lazy sunday

it has been work, work and work from tues to fri. now that carmen has returned from her pre-everest climb in china, i'm no longer required at A21 for the time being. yipee! though i must say i've really enjoyed working there... in the past when i went to the shop, i've always thought how boring it must be to be cooped up in a tiny space the entire day but hey i realised sales could be really fun. get to meet a wide variety of people everyday, and gordon, the boss has lots of friends coming to find him everyday. it's a joy really...and it's a good learning experience just to talk and to listen.

had another shoot yesterday morning. was so so tired after that...met up with dearie after that, wanted to pamper myself a little so i bought this green coset from topshop. you know sometimes after you've worked so hard, you just want to get something for yourself, like some kind of reward...

after that, it was off to yongyao's place for the pa7 gathering. ahh but in the end there were only 6 of us, but still it was nice, catching up.. deb, haz and even km have started working..and for a while the subject of worklife was brought up. worklife sounds sucky..no more life, no social life, social circle shrinking, OT, routine work, boring, tired...............i dont wanna step into that world! anyway yy, the food you cooked was woonderrrfullll~~~~ looking forward to the next gathering we've.

and sunday, is rest day!!! yipeee!

n oh, i'm going kl next tues, will be back on thurs. yipees!

lost and retrieved wallet

last night, i found out my wallet was missing from my bag when i wanted to take the mrt.. i was like.. ARGH!! gone were my IC, driving license, debit card, ez link card, f3 discount card, kbox card, partyworld card blah blah blah...... :( :( :(.. jingpei retracted our steps back with me and ahhh..mei you mei you! so what to do? bo bian..i called up dbs to cancel my debit card, and got a replacement to be sent to me since it's erm..freeee? haha..borrowed coins from jp to take bus home..how pathetic...anyway thanks jp! for walking me all the way to the bus stop which was freaking far.. :)

but this morning..i was wakened up from my beauty sleep to find this malay middle aged guy at the door...with my wallet!! the kind soul found it on the bus last night and came early in the morning to my place to return it to me!!! everrrything was in place... soooo happpppyyy... :)

good people still exist in the world.