lonely..

i'm just not used to being alone.. :(..

confused little girl..

there are a lot of things i'm confused about...been thinking about my career options these days. this is the first time i give my future a serious thought. it's not that i've never though about them before, but merely i always shrug in away in the end..cos i really dont know..

sean and terence told me to be air stewardess. ok they seem to think that's the best option for me, judging from my character.

i am thinking of transfering to psychology, cos life sciences is really too boring for me. it's not about the difficulty level..it's basically just..i have NO interest in it.. during labs, people would like to ask questions, find out what is this and what is that.. i'm just.. stoning somewhere.. cos i cant be bothered, and i dun really want to know as well. this is not the way it should be! i'm already in uni! i should be studying i like, and enjoy..

i dont know whether psychology is right..but i know life sciences is definitely wrong. i dun think any of my friends can imagine me working in a lab in future!! it's just so not me! i'll be bored to death.. but on the other hand.. i am always bored.

dilemma.

things to consider if i transfer:
1. i might waste a yr
2. waste money - school fees + accomodation
3. if i want to be a psychologist in future, i need to do my masters abroad. can my parents afford it? i can get a scholarship..but that's IF i get it..n i wont know until 3 yrs later.
4. what if i dun like psy as well???

and i could just be good, stay in life sciences, complete my 3 yrs here, graduate with a degree and do something totally unrelated. you never know where life will bring you right..

sigh. i need some directions.. :(

i know i should just concentrate on my studies for now since exams are just around the corner. but it's hard for me to stop thinking about it now...n other stuff as well..

u know..someday i'll explode..i dont know when..but i know someday i wont be able to take it anymore.. and explode..

girls' night out..

thanks liwern! for accompanying me the whole night yesterday! touched.. :) we went to my place for dinner, then took a cab to town, reached there at about 9 plus. all the shops were about to close, which was really sad, cos both of us love shopping. we managed to catch a few stores though, like forever 21 and topshop. nothing caught my eye, but she bought a spaggetti top. hmm i saw this bag that i really liked!! but haiz so expensive..$79..i cant bear to part with my money..

then we went to alleybar, but it was sooo crowded that we left. went phuture.. pretty crowded but much better than mambo. we were quite bimbo-tic.. haha cos usually when we club, we have guys around us to do everything for us..so we were damn blur yesterday. fortunately the bar wasnt very crowded then yet, so we didnt have difficulty buying drinks. we drank vokha lime, one lambogini, tequila shots, lychee martini.. ok lar? not that much..

touched by some of my friends who stuck by me to make sure we were ok. tom, whiston and bingxun.. :)

deep thoughts..

one day when i wake up in the morning.. i will cease to think of him.. i will cease to experience that aching in my heart..

felt a lot when i watched OC last night, because it seems as if i am able to relate to what those characters are feeling.. how marissa felt.. her missing ryan, and so absolutely frustrated with her life, that she overturned the deck chair and threw everything into the pool, screamed and screamed and screamed...

i keep thinking about him and what he needs.. but just now i suddenly thought, he isn't the only one who needs to change.. i need to as well. i have to admit that after i've known him, my life has practically revolved around him. i drifted apart from some of my friends, and i didnt even care, cos to me, he was the most impt person of my life. now, i hate clubbing, and i still do. amazing isn't it? i used to find clubbing thrilling, exciting, you go there to see and be seen. now i see it as a meaningless, money wasting, time wasting and boring activity.

with my previous bfs, all i cared was: enjoying the moment and living for it. with him, it was the first time i thought about spending my future with someone. the first time i thought whether there is a future, whether things would eventually work out in the end, whether he is the one..

with my previous bfs, i would still feel the urge to know more guys, look around..but with him..i have lost interest in everyone and anyone.. true there might be richer guys, better looking ones, more intelligent ones...but i didnt give a damn.. n right now.. i still dun give a damn...

so for some of my friends who think that this is just another one of yiming's break ups.. it's not.. because i've changed. for him or cos i'm more mature.. i dont know..and it really doesnt matter anymore...

i called him a lost little boy. actually i'm pretty much a lost little girl too... i need to find my direction in life..

the conclusion

finally. we talked last night, over msn, and cleared several things up. i could easily verify whether what he told me was lies or the truth, but i realised, some things just dont matter anymore.. i was dying to give him another chance, dying to say,"let's start everything all over again." but i was more clearheaded and rational then. perhaps they didnt really do anything at his place, but somehow the fact that they might have done something has knocked some sense into me, hardened my heart and let me see everything in a clearer light.

true enough he might still love me, but sometimes love ain't enough.. he is not ready yet, and i'm pretty sure he doesnt see that. i only hope one day the juntian i know will be a different one from now. we are still friends, and i dun hate him. i've never been capable of hatred. ha good or bad i dont know.

anyway i'm going to concentrate on the more important things in life, and that is studies for now. have a test a few hours later, and i feel ill prepared for it after everything that has been happening these days..

the sky is really grey outside.. wind blowing, trees swaying..going to rain.. it's exactly how i'm feeling inside.. grey.. grey.. despite seeming so strong these days, my heart inside is grey..n gloomy..n bleak... i'm all alone...standing in the wide desert, helpless...

unexplainable grief..

now that the sun has set.. and he has gone offline.. i'm letting my defenses down.. ok he is calling me now, so i cant exactly let it down yet, guess i'll put my phone on silence.. i wonder if he understood how much he is hurting me.. how much it hurts when he showed me love n concern, yet is so determined that we should be friends.. how he makes me feel loved, yet so miserable.. does he know.. does he know.. does he know how much tears i've shed.. does he know it's killing me inside.. does he know how hurt i am.. no he doesnt..

his friends said he just want to have the best of both worlds.. i have refused to see it before, but the fact that he could totally ignore my sms in the afternoon have proven much. i havent shed a tear since hearing what he and her did. be strong girl.. SEE the point.. if he loves you, he wouldnt have gone out with her behind your back. if he loves you, he wouldnt have done those things with her. if he loves you, he wouldnt have bear to break up with you, n still did all those things he did.. :( if he loves you, he wouldnt have ignored your sms.. if he loves you, he wouldnt let you go through all these things...

oh no i going to start tearing again.. i'm so tired of being the strong person i'm trying so hard to be... i'm so tired.... i'm so so tired...

does anyone understand how i feel... does anyone understand.... it's killing me..

some things are just not worth it..

i'm just sorry i didnt see it earlier. i lived in self denial, so certain that my love for him would overcome everything. but now everything is clear, black and white. no more grey, no more confusion, no more doubts. i can condone many things, mind you, i think i do have a high tolerance, but one thing that i can never ever in my life excuse is infidelity. the act itself is self explanatory. obviously i have never been regarded as much in the eye of that person. obviously all i meant to him was nothing more than a puny ant, some thing to be taken for granted. no matter what he has told me before.. nothing is enough to atone for his sin.

the smoke has cleared, and i now see the path ahead of me, crisp and clear. like what many people have said, i deserve better. life hasn't been kind to me, but i should be kind of myself. i love him, but he has proven to be unworthy of my love. so i am going to move on with my life, and be a happier tay yiming.

mum just called. told me to sleep early tonight, drink more water and eat more fruits. she said i didnt had enough sleep, that's y my lips are so red, and i'm on the verge of falling sick.

a light in the bleak darkness. a little warmth in the freezing frost.

the meaning of pain..

joel said that when he was training in brunei, they were made to stay in the jungle 6 days without any food. he said that during these 4 days, the people he thought most about is his family. next came his friends, n then lastly jing, the girl he thought till today is the girl he would loved most in his lifetime. he said he realised a lot of things dun matter.. n all he wants to do now is to spend more time with his family.

mum said..did mum and dad not give me enough love? is that the reason why i'm constantly looking for love from other sources? her eyes seemed misty as she spoke.. pain.. no mum, that isn't the case.. i dont know why i'm like that..

i admit defeat..

there is a reason why books like "women are from mars and men are from jupiter" exist..(or is it the other way around? sth like that anyway..)

i am confused.. i need to sort out my thoughts. my mental well being is going haywire. i'm becoming cranky. i felt so hurt today that recalling it, i think it's ridiculous. how come i'm so vulnerable these days.. why do i get worked up and upset over things so easily these days? i seriously need to get a life.

i need to tell myself.. it's ok to be alone..

i need to focus on the more important things, like studying.

i need to some distraction, need to minimise reliance.. i need to love wisely.. a girl needs to protect herself..

take it easy girl.. guys are thick in the head. they dont understand waht girls want, even though you know it takes so little to make you happy.. but they just dont know.. sometimes the girls see it as that their bfs cant be bothered to pamper them that little..that their bfs dont love them anymore..but actually sometimes we girls are just taking things out of proportion.. two parallel lines won't meet, hence they will never understand each other..

the worse thing is..when i tried to hit the nail hard into his head..he is too thick to understand.

oh yes life is short..take things easy..

Lower expectations..

Now i truly understand what people meant when they say one is always more fortunate to find someone who loves you more than you love him.. When you love less, you expect lesser, and you're definitely more resilent to unthoughtfulness. less vulnerable..less likely to feel hurt..

Maybe it's not his problem.. maybe i just asked for too much.. maybe i'm too demanding.. maybe i've been too sticky.. maybe i'm the thoughtless one.. maybe maybe maybes..

small world

it's a small world out there. went zouk last night. when i was queuing up to use the toilet, i realised the girl standing in front of me was staring at me. Blatantly. It was soo obvious. I looked elsewhere cos I wasn't sure what she wanted. Then she suddenly said,"Hey are you __'s ex gf?" Then i was like,"Ya, how do u know me?" "i met you once with him at the nus bus stop remember?" ok i dont remember. turned out that she is his ex project mate, and she knew we have broken up from his nicks.

weird. we started chatting, in the tiny toilet. had quite a bit of time cos the queue was damn long and moving at snail pace. girls who have been to zouk should know, oh n guys who wait outside for the girl friends.

me - i think he hates me now.

her - it's ok lar. these things happen all the time. we are still young, i think we should play around while we are young. i think he is just bitter that u left him for another guy. i believe if he was the one who dumped u, he would get over and move on pretty fast also.

me - uh huh.. i suppose.. (i wasnt in a very chatty mood as u can see..)

her - he seemed to be pretty serious about you. but..aiya..you never know guys.. never know what will happen in future. maybe after a while they'll just get tired of you also..

....

ok we talked a lot more than that. but i cant remember haha. she said a lot of da dao li that caught me by surprise. i mean toilet isnt exactly the most conducive place for such talk. oh well...

i was bored in zouk. tay yiming is certainly becoming very not tay yiming. clubbing seemed to have lost its meaning.

sinful. ate 2 pieces of kfc chicken today. oily, crispy..once you start you can't stop.. just the thought of it makes my mouth water.. yumyum.. actually peeled off the skin cos it's the fattiest part.. but still ate a portion of it anyway.. come to think of it, people do things even though they know it's bad for them.. it's like smoking.. pple know it's detrimental to their health..but they just cant help themselves.. realised many of my gfs are smokers.. not hard core ones, social smokers.. haiz..

"i would rather spend one lifetime with you, than all the ages of time without you.. i choose a mortal life.." - lord of the rings

i realised i like to measure things.. but some things like love, can't be measured.. "you feed me porridge, i feed you satay", "you scratch my back, so i tickle your sole".. ok just stuff that i cook up at the spur of the moment.. you cant always take back what you give.. you shouldnt always judge how much to give from the amount you receive.. you cant always measure what you take or give.. that's the prob with me. i try to give as much as what the other party gives.. and not unconditionally.. it's a defensive stance! a balanced love.. but..does 'balanced love' exist? afraid of giving too much and finding it's all not worth it in the end.. afraid of giving too little and letting the other person feel unappreciated..

watching lord of the rings on tv now. dear stayed over at my place last night (in separate rooms!). we ate lunch at my place and went shopping in town. i wanted to shop but it ended up with him buying an adidas beanie and this sports magazine which featured the safsa guys during one of the matches. there was a photo of him! though it was rather tiny but it seemed as if a lot of friends were able to recognise him. i window shopped, but nothing really attracted me, or stimulated the impulse in me to spend my precious money! it's so weird, there are so many things i want to buy, but i have nothing specific in mind.. hmm mm..

lovely afternoon sun.. doubt my bf shared the same thought as me since he is already charcoal black. it was nice just walking along the streets of orchard, walking hand in hand with the boy i adore.. i felt truly relaxed then.. haha oh no i sound like a xin fu de xiao nu ren.

went back to his place later. he slept while i studied. i'm amazed at the number of hours he can sleep a day. i was acting a bit weird, like getting petty over tiny affairs. ok guys like to say they dont understand girls at times. true enough, sometimes i dont understand why i act the way i do. it's just..like that lor? no reason.. hmm i'm weird, girls are weird. as fabian likes to say "chu pattern liao". haha..

sexy masks

me and my partner robin

us looking glam in gowns

the babes in bikinis

amanda in her cowboy attire and xueling the army girl!

pillay in sarong!

jp in rgs pinafore, ruining my alma mater's reputation!

me and fabian

"As long as it's a decision that you wont regret, it's the right decision.. You don't have to care about other think..after all you're the one living the your life.."

heard it over radio.. thought was interesting..

EH dnd ended successfully yesterday. Nah didnt win anything, but oh well it was ok, it really doesnt matter that much. I had fun! Enjoyed myself. it was a good experience. formed better friendships. :)

there were 3 segments: 1. dance 2. catwalking in bikini 3. slow walk in gown followed by q&a. everything was fine i guess.. i liked my bikini, it is plain red. i like my gown too, light blue..halter.. everyone dressed up funnily last night. the c blockers dressed up in girls' schools' uniform which was real gross!! haha.. especially thomas in his puny scgs uniform. disgusting! but funny.. the A2 girls wore boys' schools' uniform. the A3 girls were greek gods, pretty pretty.. amanda, liwern etc wore black tops and army pants. the b4 guys were damn funky too, retro style i think. couldnt really see clearly from the stage. oh n yes the A4 guys in suit and boxers, the D4 guys in sarongs and singlets. looked damn crap lar..

it was a fun night. :)there were the jitters before appearing on stage, but the feeling that everything was over was damnn good... like.. suddenly i felt so so so relaxed..

oh ya took A LOT of pictures, but most of them are with the rest of them cos i didnt bring my camera along. will slowly upload them..

my dear looks good here!

taken outside zouk after my hall pageant bash

taken at my company's event

whoo hoo..tay yiming finally made it to her 9am tutorial! after skipping it for..3 weeks? haha.. damn slacker.. the class is unexpectedly small.. hmm where is everyone? anyway i've made a pact w myself.. i gonna study from now on! ok.. the point really is not abt making a pact, more about keeping it. hmm.. i will i will.. anyway my lappie has big prob. i had to reset it more than 10 times last night so that it could log onto the nus network. GRRR..

tired out from the day. today is pageant day. reached far east at 1pm to try heels, then to daniel yam at suntec for gowns, followed by heeren to choose bikinis. the fittings only ended at around 4 plus pm. the pageant girls went shopping at wisma after that. me and liz took a cab back to hall at 7pm, had dinner, and then had to rush off for dance practice at 8pm. dance practice until 10.30pm, catwalking until 11.45pm. OH MAN. YOU KNOw what is tired?

sigh..

saw a lot of nice clothes today in town!! really wish i have loads of money and can just go on a ultra shopping spree.

my wish list of clothes:
1. green short skirt at forever 21, but liz said they ran out of sizes xs and s already.
2. lingerie from la senza (sth like that) from suntec. they have nice bras and underwear! cute, colourful..
3. heels/shoes..from..anywhere..exodus? charles and keith? nothing really caught my eye but i really need a pair of decent flats.
4. i want to buy the bikini i tried on today. $50, after 20% discount = $40
5. orange top from mango - $55
6. had my eye on a lot of clothes..but i know i'm damnnnn brokeee...so..better not look too much at what i can't get...

i've been real listless lately. beginning to feel very anti social. what's wrong gal.. i just cant bring my energy level up.. i need some motivation in life, to take an interest in the impt things..like studies! and friends!

sigh..

amanda, fabian, me and liz

everyone is pageant

hall pageant photo shoot - casual wear

blahblah

lying on bed

anyway just to update a bit more, the bash went well. it was pretty fast, we danced, made to play some silly game with my partner. the guys were supposed to wear a big shirt, then the girls were to creep under the shirt and our hands and heads must come out from the respective holes in the shirts. then the girls had to bite lollipops and feed the guys. whoever finished the lollipop first would win. it's silly.

then there was the Q and A. nothing much. my question was "rough and wild or gentle and smooth". i won the miss popularity title cos my dearest bf spent $40 voting for me. how sweet of him.. :) i won a $120 body shop hamper, so it was worth it haha.

clubbing after that. fabian got drunk and puked all over the place. qilin had to send him back, while i followed jt back home. qilin was telling us about his sad love story. everyone has a story..

anyway just to update a bit more, the bash went well. it was pretty fast, we danced, made to play some silly game with my partner. the guys were supposed to wear a big shirt, then the girls were to creep under the shirt and our hands and heads must come out from the respective holes in the shirts. then the girls had to bite lollipops and feed the guys. whoever finished the lollipop first would win. it's silly.

then there was the Q and A. nothing much. my question was "rough and wild or gentle and smooth". i won the miss popularity title cos my dearest bf spent $40 voting for me. how sweet of him.. :) i won a $120 body shop hamper, so it was worth it haha.

clubbing after that. fabian got drunk and puked all over the place. qilin had to send him back, while i followed jt back home. qilin was telling us about his sad love story. everyone has a story..

it's bad day. ok nothing exactly bad happened. but i'm just damn sian of the day ahead. took more than an hour to get back to school from bedok dead early in the morning.. took a bus to bedok, then mrt.. i realised i forgot to scan my card when i entered, so i had to approach the man in the station control at clementi. reached clementi mrt at 10.30am, wanted to top up my farecard but somehow the transaction just couldnt be carried out. surprised, i checked the acc balance on my card and realised i only have $3.43 left. *BOMB* since when did i become so poor?? where did all the money go to? i only had $2 in cash, so i changed with the auntie selling newspaper for $2 in coins so i could take a bus back to nus. reached central lib at 10.50pm, photopcopied vietnamese notes from jas because for some unknown reasons, my dear's printer doesnt work and there is no more paper left in hall.

went for lesson. tutor asked me to read some dialodge and i made a mess out of it. seemed to have sth stuck in my throat and can't speak properly. lesson finished in an hour's time, thankfully. bought an iced milo from the vending machine for 50 cents. walked back to hall, grumpily. munching on jack and jill potato chips now. amount of cash i have in my wallet now: 50 cents.

great. what a way to start on a friday. n the rest of the day ain't gonna get any better. stats tutorial from 1-2, LAB FROM 2-6! MY GOD. did i mention i how much i hateeee labs?? I HATE LABS. I HATE LABS. I HATE lABS.

friendship week thingy at 6-7.30. dance from 8-10. heard that the dance for dnd is ten million times harder than the one we had for bash.

how sucky can one's life get.

i'm weird these days. feeling a bit emotionally unstable. haha. i'm going crazy.

i started reading her blog again. the past entries. their past history. say i'm bored.. yes i am.. i dont know why i had this sudden urge to click on those links again. the radio is playing 'ting hai'.. my heart is sinking.. an inch by an inch.. see what i mean? i am becoming insane. why do people like depressing themselves? sigh die i dont like to play pool. and i usually dont drive my dad's car out, even though i have a license. correction: i've never driven my dad's car out alone before. i'm insanely insane. OK. n i havent gotten any work done. AGAIN. argh. what the hell. i feel like jumping into a pool. ok i've decided to stop becoming such a bai zhi. i am going to watch the 9pm show now.

i feel..inferior.. not to anyone in particular, or refering to anything specific.. just a sudden feeling that is threatening to overwhelm me..

know too many pple, saw too much, think too much, feel too much..

it's times like this i feel like going home..just BE at home..away from everything else. just lead a simple life.. some people like to be in the midst of activities, the hustle and bustle.. i like too, to feel involved. but these days i'm becoming not like my usual self. i actually long for peace and inactivity. i dont even care about mixing around anymore, getting involved, doing stuff, being there.. i am contented just being alone.

i hate to admit this but of course he has sth to do with this. i've been swept away by the currents and contented to just ride along with the waves..go wherever the waves bring me to..

i am contented.. and that's very not me.. i like to meet new people. i like to learn and try new things. i like to be doing sth..

sigh..i can just lie back and sleep now. contracted a sleeping disease recently.

mum doesnt want me to stay on next sem. she said it's a waste of money when i stay so near to sch, esp with my bro studying abroad..we are tight on money.. but i like hall life. dilemma.

sigh........ SUPER SIAN. give me a drug pill.

The last first kiss..
The last first date..
When are you ever sure?
When would you ever be sure?

finally a night to myself, and me only. i dont know how come i could miss sitting in front of my lappie alone at this time of the night, 11.40pm, letting the wind run thru my hair, radio humming sweet music besides me.. especially comfortable today cos i shifted the bed around in my room, now the bed is my seat, n i can just lean back and sleep anytime! haha so conducive for sleeping.. hmm mmm...

dear dear accompanied me the whole day today. feeling a little bad.. i seem to be taking up so much of his time while he can be outside hanging out with his friends, or playing bball..etc etc.. and not cooped up in my gloomyy roomm.. hmm..

had dance just now. haiz. i hope i wont forget the steps on the actual day n end up making a fool of myself. such things are really unpredictable. you dont know what will happen.

this is the first time i'm feeling so ill discliplined and getting all my priorities wrong. studies is supposed to come first, but somehow it has fallen rock bottom.. i know its importance, but i just cant bring myself to study! argh..

ni ai wo hai shi ta..

haiz i'll think of him everytime the radio plays this song.. i got to concentrate! lots of work to be done. miss him.

i used to dislike my neighbour for no apparent reason, except that she doesnt seem to socialise w anyone in hall. the only person she hangs out w is her bf. there are a few girls i hall whom i've only seen around w their bfs before.. i used to wonder how anyone can live like that. with their lives just revolving around that ONE person. how about everyone else in their lives?? their friends? none? just that ONe n ONly one?

now i understand.. when u're really in love with somebody you just dont mind spending every sec every min of ur life with him.. everything else is just.. second place..

hall

v for victory

lalaa

bikini babes

dearie!

many many things coming up!

hall pageant preview next wed! got to learn dance.. dnd on 17th.. haiz..

friendship week next week. must settle admin work.

ifg squash + inter club squash competition starting next week as well... got to start training.. again..

cant wait to get them over n done with.

sometimes i'm really a bit fan chang.. weirdo.. like i can start tearing when i watched this sad scene of sammi cheng crying.. that was damn weird because i dont even think it was that sad.. but i teared! like.. huh?? haha..

today is dear's bday.. i'm sorry for not planning anything exceptionally spectacular.. even the pressies.. i'm not sure whether u liked them.. i'm sorry for acting weirdly at times.. n i really appreciated everything u have done for me.. really really.. :)

30 mins to dp supper.. i havent touched work today..again..haiz..so what is new?

clubbing on wed was not bad.. met ailing, jt's 7 yrs ex gf and one of his ex flings. hmm feelings? sad? nah.. bitterness? nope.. jealousy? hmm..maybe.. actually i just felt a little.. weird.. like these girls have been through so much with the person i'm with.. n i'm merely with him for only 2 weeks? like..singapore as compared to..china?? haha what a lousy analogy. singapore might be young, but it should become really properous right?? haha.. whatever lar..!

girl ah, sometimes i think i should stop being so absorbed in my own world. i still have friends! should start giving them a bit more attention. sorry andre! for not replying ur sms.. zx! for missing your dancetitude.. sorry.. :(

yesterday passed real fast. sleep. fetch his grandma. me use msn, he sleep. go uncle james's place. do facial for fabian. home sweet home. uneventful. but..i'm happy! i'm happy as long as you're with me.. :)

today..came back hall. ate lunch w liwern. went changi beach for lab. eat dinner w liwern. pei whiston eat n su ku. here now. blog.

aiyo why my life so boring now.

jt said i shouldnt place so much emphasis on my work.. he said if it's successful, it'll be a bonus, if it's not, then it's ok.. at least i've learnt. i agree.. but i cant seem to take it easy.. because when i want sth, i go all out to get it..single mindedly..until i lose interest that is.. let's hope this time it wont burn out so fast.. i want to do something right.. for once..

ok i came back to hall at 2 plus, n i'm 'proud' to say i've spent the entire time on msn and on the com doing useless stuff. anything but school work. but seriously i dont have mid term tests right.. i dont.. right? haha i'm not even sure of that.. heck.. i seriously lack motivation in studying now.. what's wrong girl! wanna quit sch is it? my mind is preoccupied with 2 things right now only..

ramble ramble ramble.. i really dont make sense at times..

i've been warned..yes i have..if anything goes wrong, i'll hold myself for it.

the attraction of intoxication. one glup of alcohol. two glups. three glups. the world blanks out.

how can anyone get married? does eternal love exist? is love like air..does it ever run out? are fairy tales lies? does love in every relationship fades after a while?

i really dont wanna join the ex gf club..

u know sometimes i know that my flaws are staring right at me but i just refuse to admit them? sometimes i'm really not the person i seem to be.. that i project myself to be.. but for fear that i will actually make the people around me more concious and aware of my flaws, i hide them. is it better that way? if i voice them out, i in a way degrade myself and make others more sensitive to it. good or bad, some people might not really mind, n will laugh it off w me, whereas others might keep in within themselves n see me as inferior in that particular aspect. should i hide it? let others discover it for themselves. i might be able to conceal it well..i might not..take a chance..

understand what i'm driving at? at the very least.. i know it wouldnt matter to him..

went sunset bay today. the weather is hot hot HOT.. 34 degrees! i think this feb is the hottest month in sg for the past dunno how many years. my back is peeling pretty badly. i am still not very much tanner.. :/

dinner at his friend's place. she is married and has a 6 months' old son! she is..22? shotgun marriage? i suppose. but she seems happy! which was a surprise for me because i didn't think such marriages prompted by external factors other than love would turn out to be a happy ending. her husband n her seemed loving enough. perhaps it's too soon? just a yr.. perhaps.. they are really in love w each other n geniuely believe in leading a life tgr.. how sweet.. age is not a problem huh?

clubbing last night was not bad. except we saw her. she was there. i swear i could feel her every glare piercing through my back. tried as i did to feel at ease, my body language must have betrayed me. i squirmed uncomfortably on my seat, hoping to deceive my true feelings. upon hearing tears were shed for our pressure, a flash of pain stabbed at my heart.

she hates us. she must. he said she has to know sooner or later. maybe it's better this way, then she will hate him and forget him with lesser difficulty.

i feel for her. because i know exactly how a girl in her position would feel. i have been through it. the clenching of the heart. the unstoppable tap. the lump in throat. the grief in soul. the tasteless food. all of a sudden, life becomes mundance, meaningless..

ok..sorry i'm not in the position to mourn..i'm not the victim here..both ways..

his friend gave me some disturbing advice last night. "dont be too involved with him. he is still at the stage whereby he still wants to play." "but he said he is serious about me.." "he said that the previous time too.."

i didnt tell him what his friend said. because i believe him. i trust him. the whole world can doubt us.. but at least we have to believe in each other..

today has been a long day.. i'm feeling exhausted, and drained.. eyelids weighing heavier by the minute..

dp ended successfully today. the marketing crew members had to wear nurses' uniforms which most commented was kinky. i had the 'luck' of wearing the only green uniform whereas the others wore white, SGH look alike uniform.. oh well doesn't really matter much.. it just made me stand out a little more than the others.. the acting cast was great, professional, engaging, arresting the audience's attention. the dancers were fabulous, choreo was fun, costumes were eye catching..

to that person..who knows who he is that i'm refering to..

i'm not gonna reply your sms because i see no point in msging u while u're drunk. it's true i met this guy, and it was before our break up. however he was absolutely not the cause of it. it would have happened sooner or later, it was only a matter of time because i wasn't happy. it wasn't enough. nothing happened between us before that, i must admit there was slight attraction, but our status remained merely as friends. as u mentioned, if given time, my feelings for you would grow? i know it wouldn't. dont ask me why, there are some things that have no reason, i just know.. i just want to tell u that i have given it a try, i have, but it didn't work out. it wont even if given time. accept it.

it's my fault. for even giving it a try right from the very first day. i should have known it was a mistake. but i didnt know eventually i would hurt u this much. i just wanted to give it a try. to give things a chance to work out. but it didnt.

and now i'm with this guy. people said it's fast. i must say that if i were to judge this whole situation from an outsider's point of view, it's definitely shockingly fast. people think we are both not serious. i'm jumping. it's not gonna last. so is it gonna be a few more months before i get another? i must heard these comments more than 10 times in the past few days since i started relating to people my experiences..

i'm sick of trying to convince people this time it's different. it's different. it's just different. again i fail to find a logical explanation. i just can feel it. it just feels right. love comes when it comes. fate comes when it comes. it's difficult for those who havent experienced it before to understand. i'm tired to explaining. take it or leave it. i believe in myself.

to you..if u have once fallen for me.. if u could even recall how it feels like.. maybe u would understand what i'm saying.. if you're able to put aside your hurt for a sec.. n look upon this situation w neutrality.. but i guess it's almost impossible for u to do so.. alright if u hate me.. i only hope one day you'll understand..

aiya i should stop all my chinese lovey dovey crap.. i'm becoming lazier n lazier.. woke up only at 11am today. getting ample sleep these days. i feel that i'm drifting apart from some of my friends.. but come to think of it, the true friendship can withstand the test of time, and distance.. just like kenny n joel.. we see kenny like probably a few weeks a yr, and i see joel only occasionally, n we're still the best buddies. hmm so yes, 真挚的友谊是经得起时间的考验。。。

生命无常, must learn to cherish every moment.. u never know when the next tsunami might come and sweep everyone away..

感情是非常奇妙的。。来就来，去就去。。就是这样，有时候也没有好解释。。

有时候那个人根本就不是你心目中的白马王子，可是你就是偏偏喜欢他。。有些人无论对你多么的好，你也无法给他你的全部。。。

爱情就是如此的莫明其妙。。。

缘分吧。。你相信吗。。

我想我这辈子，一定会有报应。。。

对不起。。我不是有意伤害你。。。请你愿谅我。。。

我不是在玩弄你的感情，只是迷失方向的我，还不清楚自己在该嘛。。

请你忘了我，请你过得比过去好。。。

busy busy busy

i had fun at sentosa yesterday! went suntanning on the beach. my back hurts now. my cheeks are incredibly red, so are my arms and shoulders. the sky, the sea, the sand.. have i ever mentioned to you how much i love them?

today was another long day. had to do ihg reporting in the morning. it was ok..except the weather was damn hot!! scorching hot sun, plus yesterday's sunburnt skin = ..irritated yiming. the game wasnt what i would call exciting either..

had biz stuff again after that. ok the guys got me on my nerves.. but i guess the way i handle things isnt exactly admirable either.. sigh i got to learn to control my tone. i need to speak in a calm, monotonous, lacking of emotion, unfazed 'even when the sky falls down' way.. now the way i speak is so full of emotion, agitation, sorrow, disappointment, enthusiasium etc..all reflected in my speech. cannot cannot.. cos i am constantly meeting with disappointment.. need more control girl..

learning learning.. life is about learning..

to 'people':

hmm yup you're right, the people who think negatively might in fact be people who know me personally. who knows? i cant read your mind. my good friends might be my greatest enemies. if that is the case, then they must be really hypocritical, considering my 'good friend', yet loathing me at the same time. afterall i think naturally if you don't like someone, you would stay away from him/her.

or perhaps you meant you dont mean it on such a strong note? as in they dont hate me but just dont approve of some of the things i do? i guess that is inevitable. everyone makes mistakes. i know i've made a lot.. but inside i know.. i'm really not such a bad person you know.. really..

oh maybe in this case, it's important also to define what you mean but 'knowing somebody'. there are various degrees and depth that you can know a person.. n they all really vary.. in fact i cant think of a way to measure it.. how do you measure how well you know a person..

how do u know if someone is telling the truth.. how do u know what u see is what u get.. how do u know someone doesnt do things for some reasons that he/she doesnt want u to find out..

i still believe.. u should never judge a person too easily.. too fast.. there are just too many layers that you can peel off..

does it really matter what people think of me.. that question is being played in my mind repeatedly.. does it matter.. i know there are people who think really badly of me, but it doesnt really affect me because i always think, those people who hates me dont know me, so if they dont know me, why would what they think matter? n those who know me, would understand why i did what i did.. that.. i'm really not such an awful person, even though sometimes i do things they dont understand.. they dont understand me, but they'll support me..whatever i do..

ok sorry for rambling on n on...

but i must say i cant blame others for thinking for they think of me sometimes.. if i'm an outsider looking at myself.. i'll probably think i'm a slut too..

sometimes.. i dont understand myself either.. i just.. do things.. do whatever i want.. right or wrong, wrong or right.. just like that..

am i making sense..

sigh....

life is weird, just weird. sometimes i cant believe that my life is so screwed up. i cant believe that i actually allow myself to get into this mess. i started it. i walked into it.

but all has ended. PLS girl, pls learn, n stop being the dumb ass you were again. i'm a selfish pig.

test tmr. i havent touched anything.

happy new year to all.

whoa it's late.. n i'm still awake.. haiz was thinking about what daming told me the other day.. that i'm such a lukewarm person.. it's really quite true. there is nothing i really like. be it studies, squash, or whatever, nothing can hold my interest for long. i just dont have that burning desire and fire to accomplish sth big. i used to have it.. once.. when i was sec 1 or 2, i trained almost everyday.. cos my aim was to become the best player in my age group. i almost did achieved it, but i gave up soon after, cos i was..bored? i dont know. young minds work the weird way. i understand how i felt yet i dont understand.. ok contradictory. nvm.

right now there is the biz that keeps me going. it sets a kind of goal in my life, a new direction.. something that i've been looking for.. something to work towards.. i know a lot of pple have been saying negative things about it, n things arent exactly going easy for me.. but hey, never try never know. i may succeed, i may fail, but whatever it is, i gain the experience, i learn. isnt that what life is all about? discovering new things? learning? paving out new experiences?

so brave on girl...

heavy eyelids. i actually fell asleep watching EH play with SH. it was boring cos we were winning all the games. pardon me for being cocky. definitely not my intention.

brought my mum to spa. i realised my mum really does look young for her age. except she is a little plump, n short. oh well. i'll certainly be taller when i grow older. would i be as fat? hopefully not. yah. i dun ever want to be fat. i hope she enjoyed the spa. i am not a very xiao shun daughter to be honest. i seldom have anything to give her. i hope she is happy.. i want her to be happy.

i'm sad, i cant stop crying, there is a lump in my throat, my eyes are swollen, my heart is aching, i've no appetite, i havent done any work in days n i'veno motivation to do anything.

the only thing that is amazing is that i'm not sick yet, when everyone around me seems to be sick.

dun wanna cry no more. i must not feel gulity, i must not feel it has been my fault right from the very first day, i must not feel.. stop feeling, n stop crying. be glad you have finally found the courage to say no. all the memories that we once had.. no i really must stop thinking. shit there is a lump in my throat. dont break girl. be strong...

what is meant is meant to be.. is that right?

internal bleeding.

why are you squeezing my heart? it's already bleeding.

be cruel. shut it out. tilt your head back, stop the tears from flowing.

failure. it overflows. drip drip drip.

my notes are wet.

tears seemed to come easily these days.. wo zai ku..you mei you ren zhi dao.. ni tong..wo ye zai tong, ni zhi bu zhi dao?

fen shou zong yao zai xia yu...

- a song by jacky cheung

sigh it's so irritating that my blog cant display chinese characters. grr..

if you listen carefully, you would realise there is this part in the middle of the track, just after the chorus that sounds damn sad.. ok bad description, but eh it's kind of hard to describe the sound of music.. must feeeel...

30 mins to my first and only lect of the day.. i'm bored... ok gonna be late, better get ready.

sigh should be getting some work done now that i have time, since nowadays i'm so caught up with the biz. but i really dont feel like doing anything.. just wanna lie on my bed, and slowly drift to dreamland.. n then when i wake up the next time, i'll feel guilty about not getting anything accomplished.

every day is a long day...

wanna sleep sleep n sleep.. when was sleeping ever so attractive...

photo shoot yesterday was excruciating long! started the day early. the girls met at 8 am in clementi to have our hair done. the hair stylist was pretty good. i dun look fantastic but at least i dont look bad, as in the one i had for my sci pageant bash...

10 plus am: espirit wisma for make up. ooh that was good. the make up artistes were professional and the make up was well done. i hate having eyeliner n eye shadow etc put on my eyes, the area around my eyes is abnormally sensitive. i have this tendency to tear very easily. the stupid eye liner caused me much discomfort. the powder got into my eyes n i had to blink continously for a while to get rid of them. the make up person had to pause several times cos i seem on the verge of tearing.

12pm: arrival at studio at this ulu place near zouk. the studio is pretty huge, as compared to others i have seen. looked pretty pro too. we had several shots to take: group, couple and individual ones. the couple one was the fastest. group one took the longest since we had to keep shifting positions to get the best overall effect. kim was really really really nervous. the studio wasnt really that cold but her teeth was chattering the whole time! we had to reassure her everything was gonna be okay, told her to relax. all in all it was fun, except for the waiting time in between shots. i hope the pics turn out fine. i look weird with the heavy make up n complex hair do. ok not weird..just different..not like myself..



everything ended at 7pm.. can u imagine.. we spend 8 hours in that studio! ok it wasn't THAT bad cos the pple in the pageant are fun loving and funny and we are pretty close to each other. time passed faster when you're crapping.

bbq after 7pm. mark huang and joel came as well as some of the pageant pple. it was nice seeing mark huang. the last time i met him must have been..a yr ago?? i dont know..long..oh ok i just recalled have seen him in zouk a few times. it was really nice catching up..talking about the old days..

joel brought yongfa, cheungyi and jeremy along.. ok i seriously didnt expect so many people to go. was a little overwhelmed. but hey it was good. cos i seriously havent seen them for ages as well!

went ktv with joel n gang after that.

though kenny is overseas, joel is in army, n i'm usualy busy with uni stuff.. i feel that no matter wat we'll always be the best of friends.. we'll always there to support each other..

was going to sleep already..but i just heard a nice song over radio..n so decided to blog..

it's a song from liu xin hua yuan.. meteor garden. hmm.. san cai and dao ming si.. ke ku ming xin de ai qing..

long weekend ahead, but unlikely to be relaxing.
bball tmr -> family dinner.
photo shoot on sat -> bbq
car wash on sunday -_- -> sci pageant gathering.

dear dear, i'm sorry for taking u for granted. :(
never my intention.

sleepy. slept thru my 2 lects today. the fatigue from yesterday must have been brought over. why was i sooo sleepy?? hmm okies never mind.

hall is extremely quiet for a weekday night. most pple are probably out training for ihg or supporting the basketball match. i wouldnt mind going down too but i'm really kind of lazy. not in the mood to stand by the sidelines jumping and squeaking "go eusoff!". nah. i appreciate a quiet night in my room.

i'm lucky squash was held during the first week. no more trainings to consume my personal time. timetable for this sem isnt exactly what i can call slack. life.

i wonder what i was doing during this time last sem.. adjusting to hall life, socialising, getting to know people.. busy with sci pageant trainings..which lasted till 9pm plus plus usually. after that we had ibg..n then? cant remember.. no wonder i feel weird.. the nights are quiet..

tired tired tired to the bones..

i havent exactly done much today, as in physically..n i dont know why i'm feeling so exhausted.. thinking too much, using too much brain juice i suppose..

started off the day slightly later than usual. woke up around 10, had breakfast with whiston and listened to him grumble and complain about his love life for 1.5 hours.

went back, did a bit of talking to pple. met derrick for lunch. it was so nice to see him after so long..catching up.. he actually counted the number of times we saw each other last yr! i was amazed to find out i only met him thrice last year. it's so sad to see all of us starting to lose contact with each other over the years. we were so close to each other in sec sch.. spending almost everyday after school tgr.. studying, slacking in town, watching movie, arcade, pool.. where is everyone.. joel, yuzhi, kenny, anthony, derrick, leonard, paul, david, vicky...

went back, slack a while then had to go for track to do reporting. then rush for some other meeting outside again..then rush back to hall for pageant meeting.. found out sat has to be devoted to photo shoot..the entire day.. help...

ate dinner at 11pm. stomach was killing. oh no tired..

i'm ssoo hungry! but must abstain from food! cos my dearie is going to bring me for a nice dinner later.. don't know where.. hmm what is there at orchard point? he said we're having dinner at bk a la carte! what bull shit.. hehe :p

anyway we lost squash finals to TH today. haiz damn sad. i think this is the first time we lost in a very very long time! i didn't play.. actually i could have played if i insisted, but most of the seniors are graduating this year, so i guess i should let them play. after all i still have 2 yrs ahead of me!! hmm i wonder if i would have won my match if i played.. maybe.. maybe not.. doesnt matter. never mind, we did our best! as my dearie said: we made them fight nail and tooth for it!

seniors kept asking me to train harder for next yr. okokok i'll try.. i'm just getting lazier n lazier..

okies i should finish Angels and Demons asap, cos apparently there is quite a long queue for it. i need to start reading a bit abt my modules. i know it's only the first week, but i havent been touching any work at all. i dont even think abt them AT ALL. my mind is preoccupied with other stuff. nvm..it's only the first week!! but must buck up!! cannot get the same pathetic CAP as last sem..

hmm mm...i'm in a good mood..squash is finally over! now can concentrate on other stuff! :)

just had squash training. had my first squash match yesterday in ages. i lost. bad. not cos i lost, but cos my opponent wasnt better than me in terms of skills n i still lost, in spirit. i dont know what the hell is wrong with me, i just cant bring up the spirit in me, to chase after the ball, to make that effort to play better.. i was in the OFF mode. totally off. what's up manz girl??

today is my free day. should i go home? hmm yea i should..

like a string being pulled at both ends..taut..to the point of snapping..

no i'm ok, just thought of putting down how i felt at a point of time..

conflicting views. lost for direction. this way that way? havent u already made up your mind girl? you are you.

the whole world can doubt you, but you have to be sure of yourself. know what you want, know where you're going, then go for it.

it was a long day. meeting with kaisi, lunch with winston, talk with yueping. lect. squash.

long n bad. tired. need to sleep.

i want to go home. a safe harbour. away away.

life. a learning experience. learn? or take it easy.

random thoughts.

when the whole world puts you down, all the more you want to climb up n prove they wrong!!!

first day of school! S.I.A.N. is the word.

10-12: lecture - chinese business in singapore and beyond. -_- how interesting. ok it wasn't all that bad. good company.

12-2: lunch at arts. slack in room

2-3: track trials. dammit. something happened to my right thigh. but. i dont know what is wrong. it hurt at that time, better now.

3-4: in com lab w my sweetie teddy bear.

4-6: stats lect. *yawns* u want to sleep? go for this lect. it puts u to sleep.

6-9: squash ihg. didnt play cos my thigh still hurt. hm. we won of course. yay.

right now.. 12 am.. tmr is free day! yay.. going down to office..

jia-si-min.. cheer up.. he loves you.. dont think so much ok...

teddy bear.. cheer up.. i'll be better to you.. i promise.. :)

sigh..when can i be rich..n live in a big big house..with breathtaking views.. of city lights, hills, mountains, waterfalls, blue blue sky... swimming pool to swim, to tan..to hold parties..to..moon bathe..

yesterday was a feel good day. it really feels good to know i have such good friends around, friends that are likely to stay with me all my life...

met up with zhaoqi and teresa cos zhaoqi is going back to cambridge next mon. whoa cambridge manz. what is nus in comparison. she doesnt seem to be having that much fun there though. but i know kailun is having a great time in imperial, travelling around uk, and vanessa too in oxford.

haiz. i have friends who are such high fliers. makes me feel inferior.

sarah was supposed to meet us but she stood us up at the last min, excuse being: too tired. n then she still had the cheek to ask me if i was going zouk later!! tired still can go zouk!! ... nvm, no big surprise, it's sarah.

other members of the group missing in action: amanda - working at hard rock, rach - still at imperial

went zouk w kenny n joel. they were crude. first words when they saw me:"don't match! go back and change!" ...irritating. eh what i was wearing really doesnt match?? i didn't think so, soo..what the heck. i'm comfortable in it..that's what that really matters right..

we drank long island. yucky drink. just enough to get high. we had quite a good time. at least i would like to think so.

it has been quite a long time since i met up with them.. we used to be such good friends.. meeting up almost everyday.. i cant help but feel that things are getting icier.. of cos when we met up yesterday, everything was like back to the old times.. but i just feel that they dun really treasure me as much as they used to. it's different between me n them n the 2 of them. after all they are guys. guys clique better w each other, more common topics of interest, more common activities..can look at girls tgr..

i supposed they think i am starting to drift apart from them. after all i have uni life, hall life.. my own circle of friends.. hey i didnt want to drift.. i just wish they bother sometimes.. i need to feel appreciated, someone apart from the rest.. we have been thru so much tgr.. each of us knows what each other has been thru.. joel n jing.. kenny n anna.. bintan.. my 18th bday.. all the nights we spent talking at kenny's place.. studying at A&W for Os.. sometimes i wish i can turn back the hands of time..

apparently tham daming actually read my blog, n scolded me for leaving him out from my list of christmas wishes!

dun angry k! include u in my new yr wishes!
daming: hope u stop falling for girls who are attached n find someone whom u truly love n who love u as much in return. stop being glum abt being alone, cos u know no matter what.. jp and me will always be there for u! we're a gang right.. heh.

jp: happy that you finally left behind that unhappy past n made up ur mind to move on.. same thing for u as in daming's..except without his fetish for attached girls.

friends forever.

sigh. i dun want or need anything. i just want pple to remember.

2004.
friends lost: 2
academics: 3 disappointments
breakups: 2
memories: jobs, july, pageant, berkelah, shanghai

goodbye 2004.
welcome 2005.
starting everything afresh.

things arent going well for me.. :(
but as usual, i take it with passiveness.
composure, girl.
as usual, life goes on.
no big deal.
at least you weren't in phuket.

back from berkelah, back from shanghai.

a mixture of feelings. happy to be back to the warm sg, no more thick coats! dont have to put on gloves, shoes, soaks, lip balm, jeans.. freeze no more.. the temp there on average is around 4 to 8 degrees? seriously..you'll freeze when the wind blows in ur face. can feel the chill in the bones. shiver shiver shiver..bRrr.. it's so cold that i dont even feel like shopping..that's amazing u know! considering how much i love shopping. just want to like stay in the hotel room..n feel warm..

frankly speaking, i dont like shanghai. there isn't much to see there, the only thing u can do is shop eat shop eat shop eat. the food there is cheap. we ordered a LOT of food but on average the amount each of us spent in each meal is..$3? winter time..the food especially oily..very delicious..but very unhealthy. my mum said it's necessary to eat oily food..if not u cant keep warm..

lots of fake branded goods in shanghai. the tourist guide we had for one day told us, the chinese are best in manufacturing fake stuff. whatever is successful, u'll see its duplicate in no time. so there is like a shopping village n the things there are 100% fake. LV, gucci, chanel, dior, nike, ck, addidas, burberry..u name it manz. n if u ever go there..xiangyangjie, remember to BARGAIN. very impt. to at least half the price they offer. ok it goes like this, u ask them how much the obj is, then let's say they say 300, then u say too ex, they'll ask "then how much u want?" (in mandarin la duh), u say "150", they say "bu xing, tai shao le, 200 ba", then u must say cannot, then must persist until u get the price u want or somewhere close to it.

the service there sux. the waiters, salespple..all talk as if they have something against u. n lian chou chou de. but maybe it's just a few black sheep..some are nice..they are very good talkers. can coax u into buying stuff very well. the pple there are verrrrry rrrudddeee manz. the word "excuse me" dont exist in their dictionary! they just pUSH past u. damn irritating.

cds cheap, cab fare cheap, food cheap, fastfood cheap, winter clothing cheap, everything cheap..almost..

a bit sad to be back. back to the pressures n troubles of life.

i'm back! leaving for shanghai in 7 hours' time. berkelah was fun. a lot of things i wish i can type out now, but i'm really so tired. with that irritating flu, i really cannot make it liao. cant think coherently. another time..

uHoo.. i'll be leaving for malaysia, berkelah waterfalls in...approximately 3 hours time. :) excited? okies lar, not much feelings now. feeling a bit worried actually cos i'm having on and off flu, still a little heaty inside cos my lips are still damn dry. hmm no worries, i'm a big girl, i can take care of myself..

i'll be back on wed night and leaving for shanghai on thurs morning. pretty rush huh. oh well.. should be okay lar. will miss everyone...

where is KC!! i need my bag!! i havent even packed yet! ahhh die die..

christmas wishes:
1. i want my mum n my dad to be happy..i hope they wont have to work so hard anymore..
2. i want my sis to do well in her studies..n stop being the blur blur girl she is.
3. i want my bro to stop going genting so much n gamble!! hope he studies what he wants in uni n do well.
4. for jas: be happy w him!
5. for zx: good luck for ur dance n stop being so stressed!
6. for andre: hope u get a bday cum christmas pressie from me soon.. hehehe..i promise i'll TRY not to forget, n dun worry, i'll return u ur money soon.
7. for wy: hey guy..be happy alright..one day u'll meet the girl who truly appreciates ur free flow of tea. :)
8. for tth: *censored censored censored..*

ok n for others who dont know abt my blog..i've wishes for them anyway..
9. for kenny: to stop flirting so much n find out what he wants soon..
10. for joel: be happy guy.. really..
11. for alex: be safe n sound, though the accident wasn't his fault, but riding on a bike is dangerous nonetheless..so be careful..
12. for sarah, teresa, zhaoqi: good luck in smu, med, law..
13. for amanda: stop smoking sooo much girl......
14. for everyone i didnt mention..merry christmas...

early in the morning. sigh i gonna work from 11 to 7 today! torturous. sales promoter at PS, promoting JABRA bluetooth wireless headset (jabra is the brand btw). low radiation! very comfortable! won best brand award in europe! market setter! 1 for 1 guarantee! WHOO isn't that cool?? oh no i'm nuts haha. truth is i dun really even know how to wear it. okok will try it later on the bus journey there.

thanks for the frap, for coming all the way down to my place, for dl-ing sch of seduction, for coming to send me back to hall, for helping me borrow the dresses, for reassuring me every minute, for helping me do the report, for offering to get the bag for me, for offering to do the list of comestic companies..for working during the hols....(it's for me isn't it?), for the lip balm, for the sweater, for the pink bag i'm about to get (=p)....thanks for entertaining me when i was bored, for the books (i promise i'll return u when i'm done!)...

thanks for being so sweet... :) truly touched.

dinner yesterday was grand. made me think a lot about money. haiz. somehow i can never imagine myself to be like one of them. but nothing is unattainable.. i need faith.

confidence. haha. learnt that from sch of seduction. to be able to seduce someone, u need confidence!!

okok i wish i have time to blog more, but i really gonna rush.

track 9-11 --> badminton 1-4. it was good. i'm not very tired. weird. guess the workout wasn't intensive enough. a bit stoned today. i really sux. i cant play badminton for nuts. track..no prob..who cant run..stamina..train lor.. if not what.. superwoman? never train then can run real fast? dun be dumb.

i cant stop thinking. daming is right. what reason do i have to be so troubled. let nature takes its course. what will be will be.

my damn lips are so dry. it has been like that for a week. irritating.

right or wrong right or wrong. i wish my heart was made of stone. i dont wanna feel. why feel? u chose it. so why cry? make up ur mind. stick to it. waver, u make everyone suffer. what's ur prob!? get a life will ya! do u ever learn ur lesssonn?? why is the same thing happening all over again?? oiii!!!!!!

i just want to be fair to you... someone once told me grey is dysfunctional. i shouldnt have let things moved on to this stage. it's cruel. i am not sure whether saying those things is any less cruel.. i'm sorry. i'm so so so sorry... to tell you the truth, i've actually contemplated putting away all my doubts, n starting afresh. you're worth it you know. ur feelings for me overwhelm me, to that point that sometimes u just leave me speechless. but.. i cant escape..the clutches of fear..of qualms..of memories.. the silent tears in the dark nights, wetting my pillowcase.. the excruciating pain of loneliness and loss.. the haunting memories.. the fist clenching my heart.. clasped, squeezed, crashed..

i know u wouldnt let me down. it's me. not u.

a lost soul prefers to be lost herself. not lead others further into the unknown. 2 endings: happiness or sorrow even more unbearable.

the lost soul chose to end. rather than risk encountering the unbearable.

today is quite a cool day. track and badminton in the morning. exhausted after that. slept a bit in the afternoon. squash at night. just came back from supper. super tired. but dun feel like sleeping yet after such a heavy meal.

i dunno whether this makes sense, but i am starting to think track is the least complicated sport. all you do is run. u rarely have to learn how to run. unlike for other sports, there are techniques to be learnt. u just run. it doesnt matter whether the other contestants are snickering at u, doesnt matter if u lose focus, or start thinking abt useless stuff..cos no matter what..u just have to run. ur legs still move the same way, nothing is gonna affect it. of course there are factors like determination, perservance...which is present in every sport...but comparatively track is still much simpler..

ok am i making sense? i thought of all these cos i played really badly in squash. sigh.

okies another week of intensive trg ahead. i'm really a "san miao zhong re du" person. ultra short attention span. it has only been a week n i'm already getting tired of the trgs. overdose of sports is taking its toil. blueblack toes, blisters, fatigue. program for tmr: 9-11 track, 2-5 badminton, 9-11PM squash. whOO hoO.. but i might just skip squash if things get too bad. i still have the whole week ahead.

happy these days.. thank you for making my day. thank you for making me smile. :)

usually only my right palm suffers cos of squash, now both hands have blisters! my thighs are aching, toes n fingers hurting, eyes tired.. but hey, like i said before, exercising makes me feel good. hockey was fun! it is one of the sports i enjoy the most..dont know why also.. cant believe time passes so fast.. it's almost 1am now.. should sleep soon.. dont wanna wake up feeling groggy tmr morning.. weird.. i'm sleeping earlier than i used to sleep during sch days.

exercise is good, for both the mind and the physical body. it feels good after exercising so much, n then u feel so tired that u just want to lie on the floor, stare at the sky, ur mind completely blanked out, just letting fatigue wash over u, n feel nothing...

ihg softball trg in the morning on the field. maybe cos most of the games i usually play are on courts, i never realised how nice it is to be on the vast green field. amazingly how the lustrous green grass has a soothing effect...makes one feel...close to nature..? i find it difficult to relate how i feel then now.. cos after all now i'm in the comfort of my room, fan overhead, melodious music at the background, lappie conveniently in front of me.. that fleeting moment, that fleeting feeling, cannot be preserved..only to be captured at that moment then and there...

ihg badminton soon after that. softball was slack, but fun. badminton was enriching. haha training for a sport is certainly different from recreational playing. we learn techniques, fixed skills. but of course they couldnt be mastered in such a short time. every sport takes practice. it was intensive. it was fun. i sux at both sports. but i had fun. that is the most impt thing right? :)

u know..there are people in your life who always have a place in ur heart.. u know it takes just this much to cross the border, yet u understand if u cross the border, u'll be risking much..probably a much treasured friendship? someone told me to live for the moment. no he didnt tell me, he reminded me. perhaps in the midst of protecting myself, of forming this shield around me, i have forgotten the motto which i had once held so firmly...

excellent squash, netball, softball and track trainings all fall on the same days same time. how! i can't possibly play everything at the same time! hockey will most likely be on tues n thurs so no prob, i hope though it hasn't been confirmed. it seems hardly productive to go for a different sport each day...mon softball, wed netball, fri track? hmm..but if not how?? maybe i'll just end up going for none..hahah just kidding, it's a good opportunity to train up.

lalala yesterday was nice. played badminton w terence, kc and kenny till 4am. 4am can u imagine!! that's like how late. we had fun though, talking quite a bit. did justice to the horrendous high calories meal i had earlier in the day at newton..stingray n cockles!!

went zouk last night. it was packed. saw many familiar faces. the law guys were there, hall friends, nus friends, met friends i haven't seen for a damn long time like roy and leonard.. it was nice seeing people i havent seen for such a long time... i didn't get drunk..haha..high yes, drunk no. very good....this is really unhealthy. i really should cut down.. it's having disastrous effect on my complexion. i want to run, want to swim, want to go sentosa..time to engage in healthy activites..

many happy couples around me now. my sis n her bf. still going strong after 1 yr!! amazing! for a relationship to be so stable at such a young age. she certainly doesnt take after her sis haha. her bf is really sweet, let her climb all over his head haha. jas n her 2 guys (hehe yes even though u're troubled i still envy u). amanda n zh. couples who are blissfully in love...sigh...

went for this inspiring product demo yesterday. it wasn't meant to be inspiring. but the hostress injected her speech with so much humour, so much insights and thoughts about her real life experiences, that it really got the audience eating out of her hands. well for me at least cos she revealed so much wisdom and truth..she is rich beyond words, clever, witty, capable, looks 10 years younger than her actual age..wah..my role model!

nic said it's unhealthy to be cynical about life at my age. indeed. time to be happier. today looks good. bright sunny day outside. no obligations to go out with anyone. just gonna stay at home and read books, watch tv, use the net..slack..

been watching love generation. this is at least thr 3rd time i'm watching it. i love the show!! it's the most romantic show i've ever watched.. the female lead came to tokyo from a small town in the mountains. in a scene, she told the male lead,"ever since i came to tokyo, i've been trying to find myself, find what i really want from life, find the thing that would make me happy. but all i've met is obstacle after obstacle.. but now that i've found u, i feel there's no need to find anymore, because all i want is to be with you.. as long as i'm with u..i am happy.."

yea i think i understand that kind of feeling. sometimes..you dont need money, dont need car, dont need big house or fame or anything in the world..you just need that one person and ur life is complete.