underneath the veil

walking back 2011...

2011-12-29T09:18:00.004+08:00

Counting down to 2012, 3 more days to go.

Looking back 2011, what have I done?

1. I made my first trip to Japan, Hokkaido. Though it was a company trip where I had the chore of entertaining business partners, I was surprised to find that I enjoyed Japan very much. All white and snow and clean and pretty, I finally why some people call Japan their favourite country. Skied and nearly rolled down the hill - have slight phobia of skiing ever again.

2. Had to cancel my personal trip to Japan that I spent months planning, because of the earthquake. Sad.

3. Planned my Eastern Europe trip in a month and went there 16-30 May. Visited, in sequence - Berlin - Warsaw - Krakow - Prague - Vienna - Budapest - Salzburg - Munich. It was a bit of a whirlwind holiday but still extremely enlightening and enjoyable. Favs: Krakow and Salzburg.

4. Picked up golf and gave it up.

5. Went downhill at my job and went to work feeling gloomy for a period of time.

6. Got offered a job and turned it down. That's when I realised money is all THAT important to me.

7. Went India. Loved it again.

8. Went Cambodia and visited the school we built back in 2006. Touched that it's still strong and standing after all these while. The affinity for this place is still as strong as ever.

9. Got really drunk 3 times this year, or at least from what I still can remember.

10. Took my grade 2 piano exam and was so nervous I thought I screwed it up. But I passed, yay!

11. Started having a thing for classical music since I picked up piano.

12. My bestie is a mother and has a cutie son.

13. Encountered a change of job scope to cover South Asia. Excited yet doubtful, whether it's sufficient to sustain my enthusiasm.

14. Made my first trip (business) to Sri Lanka.

15. Started drinking more wine, eating more good food, and reading a lot more books. Currently reading 1Q84.

One Day

2011-11-28T10:11:00.005+08:00

Once again, I find myself in a downward spiral.

I can't think. I refuse to think. I've functioning on autopilot mode.

It seems like despite getting what I wanted, or rather having all options available and having the free will to choose whatever I want, I'm still not happy.

I'm on the book One Day. This is a novel on missed opportunities. I don't want to look back and realised I've missed something.

"You can live your whole life not realising that what you're looking for is right in front of you."

Honestly, I just feel like sitting on a sofa, next to a floor-to-ceiling glass pane. Outside, there's greenery and water and small animals and sunshine is pouring in. Tucked with a book and a cuppa of coffee.

That's life isnt it.

one by one

2011-10-31T07:46:00.005+08:00

When things are lining up in queue waiting for you to handle, the only way is to take things one at a time, isnt it? It means prioritising and skipping non-urgent, not important stuff as a whole.

I hate to admit it, and I refuse to admit it but I'm starting to feel the heat. I'm the sort that feels uncomfortable if I know any pebbles are left unturned.

Therefore I need to constantly remind myself to keep things slow and steady, one by one. Haste creates more waste.

I need that, to retain my sanity. And my pride does not allow room for failure.

my dear friend

2011-10-20T23:34:00.005+08:00

I meant to say. I did something wrong many years ago. Something that was seemingly innocuous to me but inconsiderate, hence I ended up hurting a close friend of mine a lot and eventually losing her at the beginning of this year.

I admit, I havent tried very hard to win her back, and I'm not sure if i understand why myself. Why havent I tried harder? Why?

It isnt that she isnt important to me. I swear I've always thought of her as one of my bridemaids on my wedding day. She is 'by default'.

We go back a long way.

I remember the time we learnt dancing together. I wasnt interested, i was just curious, and I joined because of her.

I remember the afternoons we spent swimming ands tanning.

More recently, I remember getting drunk and waking up at her place.

These memories count a lot, dont they?

One day one day, please forgive me. I know we'll be good friends again.

I miss the hysterical, emotional, paranoid, uncontented you.

come away with me

2011-10-20T22:03:00.006+08:00

"But you can touch everything and be connected to nothing."

I was watching a hk drama at the usual 8pm time slot. The man learns of the devestating in indo and wants to leave everything behind in hk, be a volunteer and help to rebuild the houses. At the same time, he wants to take photos of the reality of life and see the world.

The girl, upon learning his intention, was dismayed. She wants a stable career, a family, and a simple life.

She said she doesnt need to see the world.

He said, come with me and lead a free life. I promise I'll make you happy.

She said, how can you just leave everything behind? Why are you so impractical?

He said, lots of people do that. Why can't you for a moment see from my point of view?

She said, so why can't you see from MY point of view?

Two people who clearly loves each other, but with totally different objectives in life. Who will give in to who? Love indeed does require people to make sacrifices...

they just aint perfect

2011-10-17T23:22:00.003+08:00

"i asked you what you thought about your parents..."

"i asked if you felt they were perfect or needed improvement.."

"you said they werent perfect, but they didnt need improvement"

"..it means you're willing to accept people the way they are. nobody is perfect. not even mum and dad. that's okay."

- have a litte faith, mitch albom

My eyes turned blurry when i read this. I was suddenly struck by a wave of emotion.

It was at the moment, I realised I've been blaming my parents all these time. I've been blaming them silently, deep inside, unknowing even to myself.

I blamed them for not pushing me hard enough. I blamed them for not giving me as much as what other parents would have given. I blamed them that despite my perfect grades, I wasnt given the opportunity to do better in life when i could easily have. I blamed them for not giving me advice when i most needed it. I blamed them for not exerting enough control over me, letting my life went haywired for a while.

Sometimes, I blame them for not loving me enough.

Now i understand. they just ain't perfect, and I shouldnt have expected them to be.

Just as when I'm a parent myself, there'll be areas where I'll be lacking in, and my kids might resent me for.

You just got to understand that nobody is perfect.

potassium

2011-10-07T17:33:00.002+08:00

They called me an unpolished diamond.

I pretend I do, but I don't really see it.

He told me to:
1. Fine-tune, tone down
2. Work hard
3. Set the bar higher

Noted, but how do I do that? I don't know how to.

I'm a potassium - highly reactive and explosive.

Disgressing:
From Jerry Maguire...
"I pretended that the proposal by the car was real, it might just have been hypothetical, but at least I can do something about it now..."

all things beautiful

2011-10-07T08:39:00.004+08:00

My thirst for all things beautiful;
let's celebrate life

A beautiful of classical music by Bach
Admiring a Starry Night by Van Gogh
Watching the green pastures pass me by as we ride a train to Austria
A dog wagging his tail as he greets you at the door
Saddened by a tragic story of a novel
Touched by the eternal sunshine of a spotless mind
Eating muffins with beloved colleagues
Laughter and joy over the most nonsensical jokes
Foie gras that melts in the your mouth
A glass of red wine, or many glasses..that leaves you craving for more
Architectural wonders of Singapore, bright shimmering lights...
Touched by love...

Yes, let's celebrate life.

my poison

2011-10-06T17:20:00.001+08:00

A meal without wine is like a day without sunshine,
except that on a day without sunshine
you can still get drunk
- Lee Entrekin.

Apple

2011-10-06T17:11:00.002+08:00

"My job is to not be easy on people. My job is to make them better.”

“You can’t just ask customers what they want and then try to give that to them. By the time you get it built, they’ll want something new.”

3 Apples changed the world;
the Apple that Adam ate
the Apple the fell on Newton
the Apple that Jobs created

Selfless love

2011-09-29T17:00:00.003+08:00

Love is always selfish, the only difference is the ratio. The ratio of your self-centredness vs how much you're percentage of your heart and soul that you're willing to give away.

I'm a selfish lover. I'm too practical, too experienced. So is he. We've seen too much, we've been through too much.

The only unconditional love that exists in this world is probably that between mother and child.

Selfless love. This is the reason I find this concept so luring.

city girl, small town heart

2011-09-24T13:54:00.009+08:00

Just came back from a 4 days not-that-exciting, holiday-like trip in east Malaysia. i flew to Brunei, took the car to miri, flight from miri to bintulu followed by bintulu to sibu. i was chasing planes to come home, from 2.30pm yesterday, i took the plane from sibu to kuching, kuching to KL and lastly from KL to Singapore, home sweet home.a little bit of drama here, i made it for my flight but my luggage didn't. to be honest, i wasn't very surprised. i actually had to rush quite a fair bit to make it on the flights myself. so i guess that was why i wasn't too agitated when i heard my luggage had to take the next flight in. in the end. it arrived at 12.40am on my door steps.

This trip was..well..i cant find the right adjectives to describe it. boring yes, in a sense, most of these places I've been to last year besides sibu. meeting dealers was a chore, i didn't have the heart and enthusiasm to speak to them. I've changed, the marissa who came last year was different. i didn't work much, because i simply talked little and asked little questions.

Though that's not i have not gained anything from this trip. i have in fact, an insightful view of the way of life in small towns like these. sometimes by merely listening, you can decipher a fair bit. i appreciate their lives. slower, but not without their own pressures and troubles. slower doesn't necessarily to an easier or happier life, that we have to realise.

Less expectations definitely. and the way they see life in a big city, is not unlike a goldfish in an aquarium, peering at the outside world. it looks glittery and glamorous, but they are resigned to their lives, and they're completely at ease with NOT being part of it. outsiders like us think - how can anyone live like that? But everyone has their own way of life. I've learnt that a lot of things ingrained when you're young, defines who you are. it CREATES you.

I just finished the book Never Let Me Go during this trip. it started out uneventful, but as the story flows, bits and pieces were revealed that exposes a fantastic plot beneath. this is the reason why i say a lot of who you are depends on how you're brought up and the environment. the papers yesterday says that the ministry of education is incorporating character and moral building into the youngsters' curriculum, and stuff like self-awareness etc. from what i see, this is definitely important, but they should also draw importance away from the usual subjects of maths and science, and cultivate love for other things in life which were previously considered unimportant and irrelevant to a human being's future.

For example:

Love for music
Love for nature
Love for design
Love for cooking, art...

These are important too right?

We need to break away from the stereotypes of the society. Like seriously, we need to stop functioning like a corporation. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with wanting to make money, but if this is not what you want, we need to have the courage to say hey, no, i want to do something else, and have the courage to pursue that something else, despite what people say.easier said than done of course, it's not easy to ignore what people say. We're social creatures after all..

This is why sometimes I wish I didn't grow up in this society. it has reared us in the way that we think this is what we want. We actually believe in it, because this was the way we're brought up. influence from a young age is hard to alter. how else do you think they train child soldiers in Sri Lanka?

I'm still looking for my own non-stereotype.

2011-09-20T23:02:00.001+08:00

"sometimes you have to let things go, in order to let better things come into your life"

2011-09-20T22:55:00.002+08:00

Miri

I rejected an offer to head out tonight. This is unlike me. A year ago, I would not have even considered not joining. A year ago (more than that actually), I was in Miri. A year ago, I was in Ipoh. Have I changed? Or perhaps the company just wasnt right.

I have been drinking too much lately. So much so that I'm starting to fear. Fear for my health, fear for my insane behaviour. This fear was also unthinkable a year ago.

I treasure my time alone now. Alone in the hotel room. Just by myself. Me and my thoughts.

On another note, I found out I passed my piano exam, with merit. I was SO relieved. I can move on to the next phase.

I'm bored already. Man, I still have 2.5 more days. Help me get through them. I wonder which is worse, staying in Singapore and get BORED, or coming here and feel BORED.

Is there a difference?

the melancholy of flying away

2011-09-20T11:17:00.005+08:00

en route - singapore to brunei

At the airport now, waiting for my flight to Brunei, the first destination of my 4 days East Malaysia tour.

The skies are grey and dark clouds are looming. There's something melanchoic about the scene. I could just sit here and stare at it forever, oh yeah and probably sink into some kind of depression haha, with my thoughts running amok.

lacunar infarct

2011-09-17T17:04:00.006+08:00

"Transfiguratively, lacuna comes to mean a gap, deficiency, or loss. The term "lacunar infarct" refers to a stroke that involves a small area of the brain responsible for a specific function, or ever a specific memory.

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot! / The world forgetting, by the world forgot / Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! / Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd."

It just goes to prove you can never fully erase a memory.

It just keeps coming back.

And so I find a corner in my mind, somewhere no one has ever been to before, somewhere quiet and tranquil, where no one can find me, and place all my memories inside, gently and carefully. And before I leave, I whisper to it: I'll be back to visit you once I'm ready. Till then, please be safe.

Summer of Love

2011-09-15T16:15:00.002+08:00

Counterculture of the 1960s

"...freedom to explore one’s potential, freedom to create one’s Self, freedom of personal expression, freedom from scheduling, freedom from rigidly defined roles and hierarchical statuses...".

"... wished to modify children's education so that it didn't discourage, but rather encouraged, "aesthetic sense, love of nature, passion for music, desire for reflection, or strongly marked independence.""

The sun rays

2011-09-14T17:34:00.002+08:00

I remember not too long ago, Yasi and I were out at Vivo buying a cake for Zoey to celebrate on her birthday. We went out in the late afternoon. I saw people having their afternoon high tea at Baker's Inn, which was situated just next to the ceiling glass panel facing the fountain out in the wrong. It was sunny, and the sun rays were pouring in.

I commented, how nice if the temperature outside was 22 degrees, just like in Europe, during early summer or autumn.

Why did I bring this up out of the blue?

I'm missing the late afternoon sun rays...

Are we destined to spend Mondays to Fridays stuck in the office facing a computer screen?

2011-09-13T09:55:00.001+08:00

what am i gonna do?

2011-09-09T10:25:00.001+08:00

i'm so sick of it all.

i need to run away.

Unexpectedly, inspired

2011-09-08T11:31:00.005+08:00

The world is so big, and there're so many things happening.

This feels like some kind of calling really. Today is another day at work. I just came out from a Microsoft meeting which was titled SMB/Enterprise/Education licensing. Sounds boring right? Which was exactly what I was expecting it to be - another boring briefing that I would just sit through and let my mind wander.

True indeed, my 'monkey mind' was activated. My mind drifted, but it was inspired by the discussion.

The meeting was basically about Microsoft supporting government sponsored PC/IT projects in various countries all over the world - India, Thailand, Malaysia, China.... countries which are economically less privileged.

Of course, where were my thoughts led to? My beloved Cambodia of course, since I'm in the midst of preparing a new project.

I was thinking to myself - hey, this can be initiated in Cambodia as well. Oh well, but not yet. Answer is simple. When Gandhi made the speech to the Indians to support the local congress party so as to lead the nation to independence, he said that Indians do not care who rules the country, whether it's the rich foreigners or the rich locals. What they care about is their salt, their food on the table, their crops, the very basic key substance to survival.

Without air, without water, without food, what is iPads or TVs, or the American Idol? WHO GIVES A DAMN??

I finally saw a glimpse of light - where I could possibly contribute to the society by working in a notebook company.

But Cambodia is not ready yet. I'm at the advanced stage, of the development of the standard of living.

In perhaps all civilisations, first comes the food, then the luxuries.

Being able to surf the net is a luxury.

The Cambodian kids do not even have concrete floors to step on, or electricity, or textbooks, or pencils, or shoes, or....and the list goes on....

Can you actually jump stages? From nothingness to slates?

I dont know, electricity is definitely a must. But let's say if electricity was available, do people need to progress as per what history was dictated, or could you possibly 'skip' phases?

Anyway, this question is not for now.

I need to learn. I want to do more. I want to be capable of creating more.

This is what I want to do, I think.

Hopefully in the near future, the last 2 words of my previous sentence can be eliminated.

Maintaining Happiness

2011-09-07T00:02:00.004+08:00

...people universally think happiness is a stroke of luck, something that will maybe descend upon you like fine weather if you're fortunate enough. but that's not how happiness work. Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for you, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it, you must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat of it. If you dont, you'll leak away your innate contentment.

2011-09-06T21:22:00.003+08:00

maybe i'm really not as stupid as i think i am.

maybe they're right, i'm just not utilising my brain.

i just need to set my mind to it.

Disorientation

2011-09-01T23:03:00.006+08:00

I'm feeling rather disoriented these days. It seemed as if I'm working in the way I wait for each day to go by, doing what is required of me, not overachieving, not anticipating, no expectations of myself or whatsoever...

I'm just waiting, and I don't know for what...

It's like I'm in some kind of trance, some kind of transit mode, and I'm patiently waiting for myself to wake up and move on with my life. I'm frozen.

A carefree life; a high achiever - are they mutually exclusive? I posted this question my facebook.

Most people talked about striking a balance. But to me this is entirely a see-saw question. You can only tilt either way, not both ways. To strike a balance, it means you're reasonably balanced on both ends, neither superior in either.

Then brings the question: what do you consider a high achiever? Is it wealth? Power? Or perhaps, bringing up your children well - this was of course brought up by Eve.

Most people would by default, consider it the former. A high achiever is commonly associated with materialistic accomplishments.

If I've travelled to more countries in the world than anyone else, am I a high achiever?

If I can speak 30 different foreign languages, am I a high achiever?

If I have done much charity and helped mankind, am I a high achiever?

If I am a great pianist and bring joy to others with my music, am I high achiever?

Back to my very first question, unfortunately, or fortunately, I would choose a happy/carefree life over any form of wealth. Maybe that would mean I could never go far, who knows, but hey, what's the point of having so much if you don't enjoy it?

I'm also rather disillusioned about love, marriage and having children recently. I do not believe in forever love. How do you keep to ONE person all your life with all the temptations out there? How can you promise your love will not diminish with time and age? HOW?

When you live with someone and see this someone every DAY and NIGHT, where do you find time for yourself? Where do you find your own personal space? How do you have your own life, separate from his?

Why would anyone want to have kids? When you've children, you lose yourself, your life. You are not about you anymore, you are your child. It takes over you, it takes over your life. I'm afraid of losing ME.

I'm honestly thinking too much these days.

eat, pray, love

2011-08-29T11:59:00.003+08:00

i've been reading this book for a long time. since start of aug before went to india, until now.

there're some sentences in the book which i've meant to write it down, just so cos i can so relate to them.

'travelling is the great true love of my life
that to travel is worth any cost or sacrifice
i am loyal and constant in my love for travel, as i have not always been loyal and constant in my other loves.
i just dont care what it puts me through. because i adore it. because it's mine. because it looks exactly like me.'

'i am burdened with what the Buddhists call the "monkey mind" = the thoughts that swing from limb to limb stopping only to scratch themselves, spit and howl. from the distant past to the unknowable future, my mind swings wildly through time, touching on dozens of ideas a minute, unharnessed and undisciplined.

..you're never where you are. you're always digging in the past or poking at the future, but rarely do you rest in the moment."

'...a particularly heart breaking awareness of time's passage..

i have searched frantically for contentment for so many years in so many ways, and all these acquisitions and accomplishments - they run you down in the end. life, if you keep chasing it so hard, will drive you to death. time - when pursued like a bandit - will behave like one, always remaining one country or one room ahead of you, changing its name and hair colour to elude you, slipping out the back door of the motel just as you're banging through the lobby with your newest search warrant, leaving only a burning cigarette in the ashtray to taunt you.

at some point you have to stop because it won't. you have to admit you cant catch it. you gotta let go and sit still and allow contentment to come to you."

Accepting myself

2011-08-29T11:50:00.004+08:00

Written 9 Aug, en route Agra - Jaipur

I spent today trying to figure myself out, despite having been told the opposite - there was no need to do so.

I guessed I didnt really believe it. How can you not know yourself?

The question is subconsciously repeated in my mind: who am I?

Let's talk about simple materialistic wants.

Luxurious 5 star hotels or rough it out? I enjoy Europe where everything is posh and polished, yet I claim Cambodia is my favourite country in the world. Now that I'm in india, i'm embracing the colours and culture here.

Dreamer or realist? I dream an awful lot, but yet when it comes down to facing cold hard truth, I'm the first one to acknowledge.

Introvert or extrovert? Bubbly at times, yet with close friends or strangers alike, there're times when i despise small talk and start withdrawing into my own private space...

An identity crisis. It shouldnt be happening now. It happens to 18 year olds but not to a 26 working adult.

Perhaps i should just come to terms with the fact that I'm neither here nor there. And that itself defines me as a person. i do not have to be black or white. I do not have to choose a side. I can be both, and both can be me.

Perhaps what i really need is not to find out who i am, but accepting me as who i am.

Hiatus

2011-08-29T11:32:00.003+08:00

Hello,

I wonder if anyone still reads my blog. Just as well that no one reads it, cos it means i'm absolutely free to write about anything I want without having to worry about 'leaking' too much of my inner thoughts to the outside world.

I wanted to start a brand new blog actually, to pen down my thoughts from my travel experiences. But this is so much more convenient.. :p

Then again, my travel journal doesnt contain that much information of the places I've visited; it's largely geared towards the emotions that these places evoked in me. At the end of the day, my journal still revolves around ME, and would not serve as a useful travel guide for would be visitors. Realising this, i know i can never successfully create a travel journal.

Having dinner with J last night made me realised that i've neglected the person who is closest to me. I've failed to 'see into his heart'. He asked me: what's the meaning of life? Yes, this isnt the first time he posed this question at me, rhetorical i might say, he isnt expecting any form of enlightenment from me. I realised i've always heard him, but never listened.

I tried though. I could only speak from experience. I told him we have to let go. Let go of things that burden you down. Wrong decisions were made, that's fine. I still havent quite figured out who i am, that's ok. I still have no idea what i want in life, but that's me. I do not have to be either black or white, i can be grey, and grey is me. Instead of forcing myself to find an answer, what i need to do is the accept that THIS IS ME.

ok with this, i remembered what i wrote in india. A sudden bolt of 'enlightenment' hit me on the roads. With this, my next post.

2011

2011-03-22T18:40:00.003+08:00

it has been so LONG since i last blogged! i cant believe i'm doing this now again. just had this sudden urge to click in the link this evening. this boring tuesday - a rare day i have all to myself.

in fact i'm a little taken by surprise this blog still exist, that it hasnt been deactivated or that i havent forgotten the password to it.

so what has happened or changed since last june?

i've picked up golf - albeit i still sucked at it and dont seemed to have made any progress as compared to the first time i picked up the golf club

i started playing piano and i love it. it's my respite from the world. it's just me and my music, and i totally want to immerse myself in it.

i celebrated my 26th bday.

we celebrated his 27th bday.

we went to egypt and back.

i went to hokkaido, skiied and practically rolled/walked down the hill.

jas is married, and pregnant.

we went to malacca, bf, myself, jas and adrian.

i plucked out my widsom teeth, the left side.

things that havent changed:

i'm still working in toshiba.

i'm still with bf lee.

i'm still me.

i'm still the same old, dissatisfied, goal-less, direction-less girl/woman.

"cos you're amazing..just the way you are..."

somehow, sometimes, i long for someone to say that to me. that i'm ok just being the ME now. that i'm all good and i dont have to change anything about myself.

sigh.

same same but different

2010-06-14T22:30:00.003+08:00

it has been so long since i last blogged. lazy, tired, and lack of inspiration to pen down thoughts.

was looking through my facebook photos, particularly albums of days spent in the states after graduation. washington, nyc, universal studios, disneyworld... makes me wonder..GOSH, has it only been 3 years?? i visited those places in Aug 2007, but it feels so damn long ago. i looked so YOUNG then. oh alright, i probably dont look that different, but i looked so youthful, glowing and happy. it's like...same same but different.

shucks, what i would give to go back to that time...

and knowing that i cant never relive those days, just makes this whole situation more tragic.

surely, i will still have happy days ahead, but it wont be in the same manner. it wont be the same kind of carefree, i-dont-have-to-give-a-damn-about-anything-in-the-world kind of happiness...

fly fly fly me away

2010-05-03T00:08:00.002+08:00

3-8 may : kinabalu - brunei - bintulu - miri - kl - sg
13-16 may: hcmc

filling the shoes

2010-04-29T22:43:00.002+08:00

it didnt come as a surprise. afterall, the hints were aplenty and i was certainly wasnt thick enough to miss them. nonetheless, when the truth is finally revealed, it still took a while to let my thoughts settle down.

the question reverberating in my mind: am i capable enough to handle this?

i realised, i dont like the responsibility.

i also do not have the answer to my question.

but i believe, if you're left to drown in the ocean, you'll learn how to swim. you have to swim. you have no choice.

so i can only promise myself to be more hardworking and to do my best. i will make mistakes, but i'll learn from them. i may not know everything, but i have people who will support me.

ooo well.

which is why i said, 25 is a tricky age. i've no excuses to act dumb anymore, yet i do not have enough experience to be wise.

2010-04-26T22:59:00.006+08:00

what went wrong? why have you turned out this way?

an empty soul
a bruised heart
the bottomless pit of loneliness
the feeling that life simply holds no meaning...

we try desperately, frantically, pathetically to fill this gaping hole, but it just doesnt seem to close...

havent we all been through that at some point in life?

i remembered feeling like a lost sheep in the masses of human beings when i was in uni, wondering when this feeling will ever go away.

but we all live through it, dont we?

wise words will fall on deaf ears now, but i'm sure you'll come to realise that, all that have been said, is because

we care. she cares.

actually, i think you already know.

so just please, for your own sake, stop tormenting yourself.

i posted this on this blog 4 yrs ago, when i was 21.

***

the rest are some of my favourites from www.postsecret.blogspot.com;

to being true to yourself...

to love and lost love...

to pleasant surprises...

malaysia

2010-04-19T00:30:00.003+08:00

back from a 11 day biz trip in penang and kl! am glad to be back.

spent the first 5 days in penang. food was good, at first. after 5 continuous meals consisting of asam laksa, hokkien mee, oyster, chay kway teow and chenol, i figured i've got enough of hawker food. i've just about tasted everything that the penang food guide i picked from the airport recommended. my fav was the hokkien mee though, yum yum.

but i can never live in penang. there's just not enough activities to do!

was then in kl for the remaining 6 days, and that was when the boredom starting sinking in. i've had enough of the long distances and never ending stream of jams. malaysian drivers are aggressive, but there seemed to be a common understanding so much so that no one gets really frustrated when another person cuts your lane. you just simply accept it as the way things work.

people have warned that malaysians are more crafty and cunning, because this is how they're brought up. the political situation in the country induced people to be act this way. you've to be street smart in order to survive, it's part of the natural instinct to live.

whereas we singaporeans may be kiasu, kiasi, and love to complain, we're also very obedient, play by the books and direct.

so i've been warned - be wary. and i'm still trying to learn, because i really dont like to twist and turn.

Bangkok

2010-04-05T23:24:00.005+08:00

on the ferry along chao phraya river

wat pho, reclining buddha

drop a coin and make a wish

grand palace

watching muay thai

khaosan road

military police with shields just right behind us

catching a glimpse of the red shirts just in the next street

jim thompson house - my second trip here yet i still dont see what's so amazing about this man or remember anything about him

the hotel we stayed at. room - good, location - excellent, food - so-so, service good, pool - bad, too small

just right outside our hotel

home sweet home

bangkok

2010-03-25T23:59:00.003+08:00

back from a short trip in bangkok and had piles of work waiting for me, fortunately i managed to clear most of the backlog today.

bangkok was good. to our relief (or disappointment, can't decide which is it), we didnt meet with much inconvenience from the protests. not much excitement there, though we did managed to get a glimpse of the red shirts and military at khao san area.

it was SCORCHING hot.

we got conned watching the tiger show. so people who are reading this, please do not be as dumb dumb as us. if you want to watch, dont go to patphong. also, always go with a local if possible, otherwise, give it a miss. you wont be missing out on much.

it's the usual story. the guy who brought us there told us we only have to pay 200 baht. we went, there were only 4 other customers in the pub, 2 angmoh men and 2 jap ladies. we thought that since there were big angmohs around, they wont dare to do anything. after 45 mins, the 2 angmohs left, so we followed. unfortunately we were a bit slow, the angmohs got away, but we were told we had to pay 2600 baht!!! faints! bf argued with the guy and the guy hit bf in the stomach (not hard enough to cause any damage, only enough to be offensive). in the end we managed to negotiated down to 600 baht and left. the 2 jap girls suffered the same fate as us. they saw us leaving and decided to leave, and managed to get off with 600 baht also.

so, that's the story.

moving on...

to be continued.

musing in a sat afternoon

2010-03-20T13:45:00.003+08:00

it's raining.

from the last that i remembered, it hasnt rained like this for quite a while.

just returned from a business trip from KL last night. it was scorching desert hot. what a nice change! for once, i'm contented staying at home.

but then again, i'm off to bangkok tomorrow. :p despite the 'bloody' protests and all, we're going ahead with the trip.

this business trip wasnt as packed as the previous ones, but just as intensive. i've got so much to learn, absorb and digest, and so she said: you've to get up to speed.

you can't be simple minded anymore - the corporate world is not as simple as you think.

apr and may are going to be as hectic, with a few trips being planned ahead already.
johor - 3 apr
penang - 7-11 apr
kl - 14-17 apr
kuching/sibu/sarawak/brunei - mid may

umm..looking forward to more challenges.

CNY in Hong Kong

2010-02-17T23:26:00.009+08:00

our hotel room - royal plaza hotel. pretty good, big room, nice buffet breakfast. we got the club room so there was even free high tea and cocktails in the afternoon. about 15-20 mins walk to mongkok mtr. not that near but still acceptable.

sis and me

chinese new year parade at tsim sha shui

the whole world has got to be here

watching the parade wasnt part of the plan actually. was trapped because the roads were closed off and i didnt know how to get to the mtr on other side of the road. the parade lasted for 2 hrs and more.

repulse bay

brother and his hongkonger gf, rita

it'll be nice to stay in one of those apartments behind us.

ocean park

my fav animal

lazy panda that enjoys eat-all-you-can buffet all day long

ocean park was maddeningly crowded when we went on cny chu er. the queues were extremely long, people were pushing and shoving each other, some tried to cut the line. not trying to be discriminate but seemed like most of them were from china....

macau

macau was sooo crowded too, people people everywhere.

black sand beach (direct translation) - apparently the sand is really (naturally) black, i thought it was just polluted.

grand lisboa casino

spent this year's cny in hong kong with family. it was colder than expected; temperatures hovering between 10 to 15 degrees.

hong kong hong kong..i have a love-hate relationship with hk. love it for cold but not freezing cold weather; everything just feels so much more romantic when it's cold. hate it cos it's so dry, making my lips puffy. love the fact that the city never sleeps; you can go out at 12am and there're still so many people around, so you'll never feel lonely. hate it for the same reason cos it can be sooo freaking crowded at times and you just cant walk straight without bumping into someone.

nevertheless...

KNOCK KNOCK.

it's back to reality tomorrow.

bits and pieces

2010-01-28T15:08:00.003+08:00

clubbing with my dearest colleagues at butter

zachary - may's 1 month old son - he has a LOT of hair!

cycling at east coast park

2010-01-21T22:53:00.001+08:00

who wants to go bangkok in march?

and japan in apr?

2010-01-14T00:08:00.003+08:00

it's possible to love two people at the same time.

too much twilight is giving me weird ideas.

where before there was just one thing i could not live without, now there were two. there was no division - my love was not split between them now, it wasnt like that. it was more like my heart had grown, swollen up to twice its size in that moment. all the extra space, already filled.

1/4 of a century old

2010-01-04T00:51:00.006+08:00

i wish i was one yr old all over again...

thank you darling, for a wonderful night

..and xmas came n gone...

2009-12-28T23:40:00.002+08:00

2009 on the whole has been a relatively smooth sailing year...there were some slight hiccups but things blew over quickly. i remember wishing at the end of 2008 that 2009 would be a better year and this wish came true.

my wish for 2010 is to...
earn more money!
travel more
enjoy life more
and be healthy......
and for everyone around me to be healthy.....

more photos from korea

2009-12-28T23:00:00.008+08:00

just couldnt resist posting more of the photos taken in korea, for remembrance sake..

let it snow let it snow

2009-12-16T21:34:00.013+08:00

i'm back from the land of 'kimchi", as zx so put it. indeed, every single meal came with kimchi and those small little bowls of seaweed, veg and more veg, which both me and bf do not eat. but the bbq pork, the ginseng chicken and rice were tasty. the trip was great, really did enjoy myself. we went with a tour and met some interesting people. the group was mainly made of families, parents who brought their children out during the school hols. me and bf got acquainted with some aunties who the way they treated us, reminded us of our parents.

the weather was cold but not as cold as expected when we were at jeju at the start of the trip. we could stay outdoors without jackets. however progressively, temperatures dropped. just before we left seoul, it was close to -7 degrees. VERY cold. regrettedly, we didnt get to see any snow. sigh!

some of my favourites in korea (not the full collection yet as i havent uploaded all my photos) . it's the real stuff, no photoshopping at all!

my favourite activity - skiing at yongpyong resort, where winter sonata was filmed.

the thrill of the speed when you're skiing down the slope..whoa, wish i could do it all over again.

the coldest place during my trip in korea - we took a cable car to the top of the mountain, dragon peak, where the ski slope starts.

snow snow everywhere, freezing cold when the wind blows.

my fav pic - the most beautiful place in the entire trip - nami island, where winter sonata was filmed also.

the happiest place in korea - everland

the most adorable animal - sexy bear at safari in Everland

myongdong - korea's shopping district. the lightboxes reminded me of hong kong!

more to come soon!

**

i saw how this pair of sisters treated each other and their mum during the trip. it made me feel ashamed of myself. why cant i give my love to someone as unconditionally as they do? why cant be as selfless?

perhaps once upon a time i was like that, but i've already learned the danger of giving it all. it's like forcing yourself into a dead end with no other way route to escape should plan A fails. so we have learned to adjust and accommodate - give in moderation, so that if the blow does come one day, we already have an airbag prepared in front of our chest to buffer the pain.

having said that, i've this sudden impulse to love him more
give him more of my love
wish for nothing in return
letting it go
is it possible to do that?

also, i've come to realised - the older one gets, the more one understands the meaning of fear
it doesnt get any easier; it gets worse
like a baby who has never fallen before, has no fear of walking
like a hand which got scalded before, will stay away from kettles
like a teenager who was humiliated in front of his classmates, will shun the limelight
some things just dont get easier with age

team werewolf

2009-12-07T23:14:00.006+08:00

i was 3/4 into the book when i watched the movie, new moon. for those who didnt read the book, they must have found the movie painfully slow and draggy. but for me, the pace was actually much faster than the book, cos i know i took damn long just to get to the part, but we were just 15 mins into the movie.

the movie follows the progression of the story quite religiously, so much so that i could recognise most of the dialogue as straight off the book. but as in twilight, i cant help but find the exchanges between edward and bella awkward. why is he speaking like he is constipated?? and she really does seemed to have one expression only throughout the book - that pained, blank look.

wish the movie skipped some of the parts, and spent a bit more time developing the characters and relationships between the wolf and the girl, and the girl and the vampire. instead, there's length but no depth.

anyhow, i totally agree that this movie is targetted at ladies between ages of 13 to 30. if you dont fulfill either criterias, chances are you'll hate the movie.

***warning! you'll think i'm a 16 yr old teenage girl after reading the following paragraph***
i'm in love with jacob black. yes, he does look a little weirrrd (and i think he looks crappy with long hair). but he was so sweet and endearing, with this everlasting happy aura surrounding him (before he turned in a werewolf that is). he was obviously head over heels for her; you can tell just by looking at the way he looks at her. in the presence of such intense fierce love (even though it's really only on-screen and fictitious), it makes my heart melt...

and let's not forget, that HOT BOD. he is officially my fav character in the movie hehehe. i'm officially on the team WEREWOLF HAHAH.

love - in reminiscence

2009-11-30T23:49:00.005+08:00

and this was something i wrote on this very blog 5 yrs back.

***

Love

Sunday, August 01, 2004 // 2:49 PM

How do you know when the person you're in love with is the true love of your life? I always believe in a person's lifetime, he or she will meet this other person, this person whom he is destined to be with...and when this person appears, you will know. You just know, deep in your heart. It's true. I have seen many examples around me. But sometimes people break up. Sometimes you meet the right person at the wrong time, sometimes you meet the wrong person at the right time...

***

isnt it sad that marriage and love arent always synonymous? marriage is about meeting the right person at the right time. as for love, it has no limitations as to where or when or how you would meet that special someone.

it seems that at the age of 19, i have already grasped this basic concept.

2009-11-30T01:07:00.002+08:00

am 1/4 into the book NEW moon now and i'm still waiting for the action to begin. it's such a whinny book, i have no idea why people said it's good!

anyway, just read some totally horrendous reviews on new moon, the movie. think i've second thoughts whether i want to watch it.

2009-11-30T00:33:00.004+08:00

i'm so glad i'm on off tomorrow!

although i must admit, i havent been working as hard for this show as i did previously. without really meaning to, i have taken a step back and taken a huge chill pill. not that i've been particularly useful before, but at least i had made an effort to be actively involved.

oh well, my excuse being the additional job scopes assigned to me. you take some and you give some right?

afterall, i'll be going KL on friday and experiencing the same things all over again!!

this weekend, i
1. shopped for wii
2. played wii and bought wii guns and more games
3. successfully organised bf's semi-surprise bday dinner
4. worked
5. took the train from changi airport to expo so as to avoid the jam and long queues at expo
6. clubbed at zouk where i havent been to for at least 6 months.
7. drank long island tea and flaming lambo - both which i havent touched for at least 1 yr odd.
8. got a really bad hangover at work the next day.
9. clubbed at dragonfly/boiler/lobby with colleagues
10. contemplated buying a netbook

NOV is gonneee...DEC will be a happy happy month with xmas just around the corner...

2009-11-15T23:15:00.001+08:00

oooh checked out the weather in korea and it's already -2 °C over there now.

brrr...

freeze the brains

2009-11-10T00:15:00.003+08:00

suddenly feel the urge to take a month off, and fly fly fly away. to anywhere will do. to rome where you're literally stepping on hundreds and thousands years of history to cambodia where we once climbed the steep steps of angkor wat (which according to alex, has already eroded by now and is closed off to the public), to vegas where we were staying at golden nugget hotel and playing with the water tunnel, to new york where i was happily eating pinkberry (saw this yogurt place at iluma that appears exactly like pinkberry except for the name, shall go and try it one of these days), to mauritius where there was only the sun the sea the sand and me...

i'm going korea in dec - the land of the frozen. did i mention how much i hated feeling and looking like a dumpling the last time i went to korea, because of all the thick clothing we have to pile on?

but perhaps, just for the sake of a change in environment and lifestyle, it's good to freeze my brains out.

i had a good weekend meeting up with old friends. the pa 7 groupie on friday night, where fengyi handed out her wedding cards to us. also found out that X and her bf have broken up, just when they were about to apply for a flat (this procedure comes before marriage these days). the guy's mum told them they can only get married at 30, otherwise they will get divorced. honestly!? who still believe in such things these days? X is my age, 24.

that wasnt the worst. the guy agreed and did not stood by her. we agreed that she is better off without him. better to end it off now when they're both still young than to wait till she is 30 to realise they're not meant to be.

also met up with the rgs girls on sunday. rachel is going to be a mother and she looks wonderful! done deal, she said. no more partying and late nights, but hey, we all got to move on one day. and looking at the number of people around me tying the knot, it shouldnt be too long before we all move on.

A, B and D

2009-11-02T23:44:00.003+08:00

so tired. it's only monday, and i know i should be feeling refreshed. but neh, i'm not.

i feel so sian.

last week was madness. i was so busy i was like a tornado moving from meeting to meeting, trying to resolve one issue after another. i literally had no time to pause and take a breather. on one hand it does feel good to be so pseudo-productive; on the other hand, you just kind of get lost in it all.

i try so hard to juggle A, B and D but these days, it's starting to occur to me that i will be better off abandoning A and just concentrating on B and D.

2009-10-26T23:42:00.003+08:00

my sister's keeper has got to be one of the most heartbreaking show i've ever watched in my life.

dont you feel lucky just to be born with 10 intact fingers and toes?

i feel blessed just to be alive.

no money? no career? no car? no looks?

they only matter if you're healthy.

2009-10-20T23:43:00.001+08:00

never knew eating could be such a chore!

2009-10-08T22:40:00.002+08:00

Things are slightly better than before now. i'm starting to realise how everything seems so much lighter now when i have learnt how to let go. nothing is fair in life - that's a fact. someone might get more chocolates than you, but if you really think about it carefully, you probably had more strawberries. frankly, it serves no purpose counting those lost chocolates that you thought were rightfully yours. what's lost is lost - brooding backfires and decreases productivity. look forward. you might have taken a longer route, but you turned out just fine.

in life, you got to lose some, in order to win some - you cant have best of everything. you cant visit the pyramids, and expect to climb mount fuji at the same time. exactly what i've been trying to do, and hence the reason why i'm still stuck at the first few steps for both.

the bf is right. you're who you think you are. if you think you're a superman, then you can fly. if you think you're a chicken, then be prepared to get slaughtered.

it's time to rise up to the occasion.

you're better than that.

got to keep on believing.

a mother's love

2009-10-06T21:58:00.003+08:00

the fundatmentals for one's existence is purpose.

this must be the reason why there are so many suicides in this world.

human beings cant live without a purpose.

i remember a period in my teenage years when i was constantly in a state of depression, searching for my sense of identity.

i didnt know what i was living for.

i'm in a similar state now, albeit in a different context.

i'm tired of seeing everything, but not doing anything.

i want to know what i am supposed to do and know how i'm supposed to contribute.

come to think of it, the root of the problem lies in the lack of fulfillment, the lack of self-satisfaction and hence resulting in a lack of motivation.

this has to be rectified.

***

on another note, just being random, thought of something my colleague mentioned the other day:

i never knew my husband has the capacity to love a person so much, until we had my son.

i'm curious. is anyone really capable of loving someone so much, whole heartedly, unconditionally?

would i feel the same way, when i become a mother?

would it only happen, when i become a mother?

do all mothers feel the same?

does the love for your children, surpass any other sort of love that exist?

wouldnt it be tragic, if someone live through life, without ever knowing what love truly is.

2009-10-05T00:36:00.002+08:00

congratulations myy besstieee!!!

it's heart warming to think about the ups and downs i've been through with you, and now finally, you've reached the finishing line.

i have always known that YOUR day will come sooner than mine.

anyway am soo happy that you have found your happiness. WHEE!

lateral training

2009-09-30T22:44:00.002+08:00

quite excited really, although i understand i will once again be improving laterally, but losing out on in-depth training.

jack of all trades, but master of none - which may not exactly be a bad thing right?

kind of reminds me of O levels, where we took 9 subjects, as compared to 4 only for As.

oh well, i guess i will give myself a bit more time and see where it goes.

2009-09-15T22:25:00.002+08:00

lesson no. 1:
in order to succeed in life, you must learn how to package your words. never bare all your thoughts out on the table. THINK, process, filter, package, and then present your points systematically, with supporting evidence, and always keeping in mind the objectives.

if you dont filter, you may end up saying things that would turn around and shoot you in the face.

if you're not systematic, you may end up talking about everything else except the point you're trying to make.

if you dont have supporting evidence, your claims will end up crumbling and you'll end up looking really stupid.

if you dont have an end in mind, then sure enough, you'll never get to your end.

there's a reason for everything.

i got to keep all these in mind, because too often i do things based on feel, and not logic. this concept totally does not work out in business.

there IS a REASON for everything.

time traveler's wife

2009-09-06T23:55:00.004+08:00

last week was hell. i have been so busy. by the looks of it, the coming week ain't gonna get any better.

the word that reverbrates through my head most often these days, sadly remains to be the same subject i brought up some weeks ago: incompetency. somehow, i'm still unable to shake that lousy feeling off. i have done nothing that has remotely impresses me enough to be make me feel clever. and note that i have said impresses me, and not my bosses or colleagues, because most of the time, it's really all internal.

in fact, in all instances, i'm the one grading myself. and the more i do, the more things i find myself lacking, be it in negotiations, knowledge, analytically, strategic planning..... so much so that i find myself not comprehending why some people can still hold such confidence in me, despite seeing me fumble and fall so many times.

sigh, ok moving on from the heavier topic...

watched time traveller's wife today and i thought it was pretty decent, though it is in no way comparable to the book. i'm a massive fan of the novel; there was so much more content. the movie pretty much stayed true to the book, though there were many other stories revolving around the couple, friends and families that werent illustrated. figured they werent be able to squeeze everything into a 2hr film, so that wasnt quite surprising. i thought rachel mcadams was perfect as claire, still can remember her from the notebook, another heartachingly touching movie. i knew the ending right from the beginning, but was touched all the same. in fact, i was SAD before it actually happened because i already knew what was going to come next.

me, the weirdo.

alba, we named her alba

2009-08-24T22:25:00.002+08:00

was gym-ing on sat, and came across this quote on someone's water bottle:

you're what you do repeatedly
excellence is not an act, but a habit.

hmm.

this is why people who succeed in one thing, seem to do well in every other thing also.

it's not just the aptitude that matters, but the attitude.

i need to buck up.

2009-08-19T21:55:00.002+08:00

after so long, why do i feel like i'm back at square one again?

have i been circling? have i made no progress?

sigh.

Mauritius

2009-08-17T19:07:00.008+08:00

Arrival at the Mauritius airport - we were welcomed with fantastic weather!

My boss dying for a smoke, after the 7 hrs long flight

we stayed at sofitel resort, wonderful hotel with the most COMFY BED i've ever slept on. the room was very nice, too nice for one person...

the balcony at the end of the room opens up to a sea view, (although it was kind of blocked by some coconut trees), the perfect place to chill with a glass a wine..

a huge pool, but a pity the water was ice cold, probably because it was winter. my teeth starting chattering the moment my whole body was submerged in water, had to keep swimming laps to generate heat. brrrr...

cold it might be, but i still couldnt resist it.

horse-riding in the sunset -a heart-achingly romantic moment

watching the sky translate into different shades of purple and orange

blue blue crystal clear waters that put sentosa to shame

soft fine sand that collaspes under your feet

in the presence of such pristine beauty, there stood a lonesome figure...THATS ME!!

couldnt resist taking a few more pics of the sea, just to give proof to myself how BLUE it really was.

to be honest, i kind of thought the beach and the sea look better in the photos than in reality...but who is to know until you go there and see for yourself. i dont want to burst anyone's bubble!

taken to lunch at a restaurant surrounded by nature

me on the streets on port louis, the dusty and congested capital of the country. roads have been laned since the colonial times.

new showroom showcasing toshiba notebooks

my boss and our mauritian partner

all in all, i must said i had a good trip, although it was really more work than play. i treasured the little time i had by the beach, and the peace and tranquility one can almost never get in singapore. it was just me, myself, my thoughts, and the sun, sea and sand standing witness to my presence.

life in mauritius is obviously slower paced. the people there are also more carefree and easy going. when it relates to work, there is a lack of tension and stress that we would normally feel in singapore.

i wish i could stay there longer; to enjoy the illusion that i'm living in another world.

happy happy

2009-08-17T01:29:00.003+08:00

2 weddings and a trip to mauritius in the past 10 days!

jasmine lau tied the knot with fm last sat at grand park hotel

and last night, our dearest rachel hoong got married. ooh she looks all grown up now....haha...

happy happy for them
to have found the love of their lives.

makes me come to the next question,
who amongst us will be next?

2009-08-06T22:21:00.002+08:00

i've been working so hard for the past 3 days, close to midnight on mon and wed, and until 1.30am on tues.

i'm so tired today.

there are always things cropping up to keep my head occupied. there has been a rather huge inflow of information these days, and i know i should take some to digest and analyse, so that i wont forget these lessons learnt, but am just too tired to do so.

anyways it's off to mauritius next week for a short biz trip. looking forward!

of death and existence

2009-08-01T01:12:00.006+08:00

someone reminded me tonight, that love in today's world is so complicated.

he commented that women are acting like men.

women sleeping with married men.
women sleeping with about-to-be married men.

on top of that, there are teachers who sleep with students

women sleeping with women
men sleeping with men

in this crazy world, let's all try to maintain that bit of sanity.

***

yesterday, i told someone that i was fearful of death, because in death, we dont exist. and the knowledge of non-existence, scares the hell out of me.

he then posed this question back to me: do you believe in soul?

do you believe that after death, your soul goes up to heaven?

i said, i dont know, do you?

he then replied, yes, because i'm a christian.

he then went on to explain, how do we know that the soul that is rising to heaven, is really you? there are 2 ways to verify, ym is ym because ym looks like ym, and because ym has memories of what ym did a second ago. hence, point no. 1, if ym's soul looks like ym physically, then ym's soul is ym. however ym's soul takes on no form, and therefore we cannot use this point for verification.

point no. 2, ym's soul must have the same memories as ym for ym's soul to be ym. but memories fade with age. how do we verify if ym's soul is ym even though ym's soul does not have the same memories as ym? at the age of 60, we probably lose some of our memories too. does that mean that ym at 60 is not ym at 21?

conclusion is, we dont know whether ym's soul is ym.

similarly, in startrek, how do you know that the spock on the planet is the same spock that appeared in the spaceship a second later?

like the truman show and the matrix, how do we know that the world we are living in is the real world? maybe everything doesnt exist.

how did the big bang occur and how was the universe formed? was it a mere coincidence?

how did life come about? how did i come about?

indeed, there are TOO MANY questions with NO answers.

which is why scientists believe there must be a greater force out there.

which is why we have religion.

to answer my very first question, how do we know that after death, our souls go to heaven?

the answer is, faith.

faith dispels fear.

report card

2009-07-30T22:12:00.006+08:00

i received my score card today. although i havent received my results, i roughly have an idea how i'm going to fare already...considering there are only about 2 months left to go.

sigh, if only i've gotten it earlier. it would have given me a better idea of what i was supposed to achieve. i would have put in that extra bit of effort, i think.

but then again, these responsibilities didnt fall into place until much later.

i'm generally an efficient person, but not very accurate.

i'm a big picture person, but i mess up my details.

i can actually be very lazy too, unless i'm super passionate about something. though occasionally, i tend to experience short bursts of enthusiasm that surprise even myself.

today, i find myself asking this: am i a good worker?

and my answer is: only when i'm passionable about something lor....duh.

excuses excuses...

right, my aim is to do my work well, even when it's something i'm not interested in.

me and the 2 interns in my office, on their last day of work

midnight movies

2009-07-26T23:11:00.004+08:00

gold class + midnight movie = zzzzz, regardless of how much action-packed the movie is.

watched transformers and i fell asleep 1 hr into the movie. i woke up periodically after that to see the ex-cia agent, the battle at the pyramids and megan fox telling sam she loves him.

and so, i swore i wont fall asleep again last night, when we caught harry potter.

i fared slightly better this time. i think i only went to lala-land 1hr45min after the show started, meaning i kind of missed all the fighting scenes.

didnt particularly like this harry potter. found it too dark. the first and last time i read the book should be 4 yrs ago when it first came out. i admit i cant remember too much from it, but there was one scene from that book that left a strong impression on me - at the funeral, harry potter broke up with ginny because he didnt want to bring harm to her. AIYO. dont understand why they can leave such an emo scene out from the movie! and there were simply too many non-essential snogging scenes. this isnt 90210!

anyway there are many more details i couldnt remember, like why snape was the half blood prince. maybe i'll go buy it and re-read it again!

lala. blading today was good. we should do it more often! :)

tying the knot

2009-07-20T20:21:00.005+08:00

i have had a good weekend.

met up with the nus people whom i went cambodia with. it felt sooo good reminiscing about the times we spent in cambodia - staying in tents and bathing under the stars, eating happy pizza and all the girls getting freaked out when liangguo seemed a little zonked out, how freaky the rooms we were staying at were and the scratching sound qiming heard in the middle of the night, me, debbie and fengyi lying on the deck chairs at this very cosy and quiet pub by the beach, looking up into the night sky and just talking...

ummm....

at the blink of an eye, 3 yrs have passed.

everyone is working now. we have teachers, architects, doctors, pharmacists...

the most shocking news was: qiming and fengyi are getting married (not to each other)!!

the last time i met them, both were still unattached.

now, when you put the two of them together, all they talk about is where to do their wedding shots, get wedding gowns, make diamond rings and wedding bands, what kind of taps and tiles to get for their bathroom floors, loans to take to repay apartments they've purchased...

shucks, i felt young.

it must be a sign. everyone around me is getting married. alan got married last sat. jas lau in aug. sean in oct. fengyi in nov.

but no no, it's not time yet. yes, married/to-be-married people will tell me: there's never a best time. there will always be something that will hold you back, be it career wise, financially, mentally unprepared...

but i guess when it's meant to happen, it'll just happen, and you wont have to think.

goodness, fengyi only met her fiance less than 2 yrs ago, and they're getting married now. some will say it's too soon, but when you hear her talk about him, and the things he has done for her, you know she has chosen right. and i'm happy for her. Envious in fact. they make you believe that: love really can be so simple...

unfortunately my concept of love has never been simple, disillusioned by the numerous relationships i have been in and out. it was one of those times i wish i could erase my past, and start off on a blank sheet.

but it's ok. i'm not so bad now.

2009-07-17T15:11:00.003+08:00

have you ever been in situations where you're forced to do something you hate to do, yet you know would be beneficial to you?

like drinking that bitter tasting solution that supposedly would cure all ailments
like pulling out a rotting tooth
like running that full 20 min even though you're exhausted

sigh.

endure.

you know it would be beneficial.

2009-07-15T23:17:00.000+08:00

i'm soooo tired.

get it back

2009-07-13T23:30:00.003+08:00

was busy preparing the flyer for the upcoming nus matric fair today.

i remembered when i was a freshie, and was choosing a notebook to buy, i didnt even consider the specs. i was like,"oh this looks pretty nice," and i bought it.

and of course, another reason why i chose the notebook was cos jas bought the same one too. haha.

5 yrs later, i cant even switch it on now.

i wonder if students these days are as ignorant as i was then.

probably not. i've come to realise i'm not the typical customer of IT products and gadgets.

oh how times have changed. 5 yrs ago, $2.5k was considered the norm for a notebook. now, you can easily get a decent notebook for $1.2k or less.

yes, times have changed, for i realised i no longer know how to think like a student.

on another note, i'm feeling incompetent.

what's my excuse?

inexperience? laziness? lack of passion? lack of interest? lack of involvement?

or just to be extremely crude and honest: a lack of flair!

sigh. hopefully it's not the last conclusion.

true enough, i havent been put to the test.

let's just hope i'll live up to expectations when the test finally comes.

lately, i've been feeling restless. i feel a lack of fulfillment in life.

got to go out and get it all back!

2009-07-09T11:42:00.002+08:00

give me a little time to sulk

at my own incompetence

2009-07-07T16:43:00.002+08:00

with no intention to be pessimistic, it seems that asia is falling apart.

protests in xinjiang, china
north korea firing missiles
vietnam flooding
bombings in philippines
myanmar imprisoning auug san suu kyi
not to mention h1n1 everywhere...

aiyo.

2009-07-03T19:43:00.002+08:00

在树上唱歌
by 郭静

想要光着脚丫在树上唱歌
你说的每个笑话我都笑了
是你变幽默还是我变快乐

好久不见你说我大不相同
偷偷告诉你我的心去整型了
不想对每件事情都那么严格
弄得全世界好像只剩挫折
爱一朵花不猜它能开多久

放宽了心情把什么都变美了
好多事物全被缩小了
心里不想放的就去了算了
让太阳把脸庞给晒得红彤彤

2009-06-26T19:28:00.001+08:00

when you have to be tough, you have to be tough.

cant always have people walking over you.

2009-06-25T14:08:00.001+08:00

i dont know which one is hurting more now, my health or my pocket.

whatever, let things be.

let's meet up

2009-06-09T23:35:00.003+08:00

friends who were once inseparable now become hi and bye acquaintances.

it's not that he doesnt care for you; it's just that you've simply stopped having things in common.

the older you are, the more unreceptive you are to meeting new people.

i share the same sentiments. i'm no longer interested in getting to know people, and having to strike up conversation for courtesy/duty sake.

today was an exception. i lived up to others' expectations of myself. i had to.

the older you are, the less friends you have.

but..but...there are some who do stay, and those that do, are the true blue friends.

so to those people whom i keep saying we should meet up soon, LET'S MEET UP SOON!

langkawi part 3

2009-06-09T22:47:00.009+08:00

island hopping

being attacked by monkeys

look how adorable they are! but they are naughty creatures, watch out for your things when they're around, they just might snatch it away in a split second

by the lagoon side

monkeys clinging on to my leg

eagles feeding

the whole sky was filled with eagles, i have never seen one before, let alone so many

blue blue waters!

underwater world

the penguins all seemed to be looking at the same direction

baby penguin jenson

cable car

2009-06-08T01:02:00.004+08:00

langkawi part 2: the hotel

our hotel room

the view from the balcony in the morning, if only i could wake up to this every morning! we only had a partial sea view, costs a bit more to upgrade to a full sea view.

the shuttle bus we have to take to our hotel room. the whole resort is made up of chalets (1 chalet = 1 hotel room). the shuttle is really fast so it wasnt that inconvenient.

this is how our chalet looks like from the front, where the entrance is. the back faces the sea.

the more expensive suites, where you literally stay on the water. sort of reminds me of the movie: the lake house

perhaps one day when we are richer, we will get one of these suites, and stay here for a week, away from the rest of the world!

Langkawi

2009-06-05T00:47:00.008+08:00

just returned from a lovely trip to langkawi last sunday. back to work on monday and it has been a HECTIC week so far. the late nights have taken a toll on me and i'm exhausted now.

uploaded some of the photos below and wanted to pen down my thoughts and rearrange the pics but am too tired to do so now. my eyes are closing.....

so i shall sign off here..

to be continued. *updated*

resort's swimming pool, with a beautiful backdrop of mountains behind. we stayed at this hotel called berjaya spa and resort, which had wonderful comments when we checked it out over the net. it didnt disappoint us; an ideal place for a retreat. it's located far from the main town centre and the more happening beaches, but that didnt affect us too much. anyway there isnt really much to do at langkawi beside the beach and the sand. the resort concept is wonderful: each room is a chalet/house by itself. plenty of privacy and quiet, and we even had a sea view.

at the hotel's private beach

bf had to jump many times before i could capture the next shot

the beach is all peace and quiet...

night market (opens at 5.30 and ends at 8) - one of the worst pasar malams i've been to. absolutely nothing that interest me to spend my money.

on the way to seven wells waterfall - walking up the flights of stairs was sooo tirrrrrrrrrrinngg..

but it was worth the effort

2009-06-03T00:15:00.002+08:00

'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

2009-05-25T23:38:00.002+08:00

...and the hole in the pocket continues to grow bigger...

with all the impossibly attractive sales that the boutiques are holding, how can anyone resist the bargains...

and GSS hasnt even began officially!

oo well. never mind, the acc is going to be replenished soon.

it's off to langkawi this thurs. hurrray!

oooh yes, before the day finishes, HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my TFF - ZX!!!

2009-05-21T08:57:00.002+08:00

i'm feeling increasingly frustrated.

i want to run, but there seems to be iron balls tied to my legs.

it's either i ignore, or i sort it out.

2009-05-12T00:51:00.004+08:00

feeling officially broke now, after a weekend that burnt a huge hole in my pocket.

bought a LV wallet for mum, for mother's day of course. thankfully bro had a share in it, so the cost was cushioned.

bought a pair of tiff & co. cuff links for bf - a belated vday pressie actually. appropriate too, considering he will be starting work officially in june and would definitely have a use for them.

bought new specsy for myself - a pair that is considerably more presentable than my previous pair, and could be wore out without me having to feel too embarrassed.

on another note, i had some returns too.

bf's mum bought me a burberry blue label bag from japan. apparently blue label can only be found in japan. a very nice baggie, and will no doubt be my default bag from now on.

been stocking up on my corporate wear, buying dresses, skirts, trousers and blouses from boutique stores. i'm starting to repel clothes from zara and mango; finding them a tad too 'mass'. even coach, which is supposed to be a slightly upper-tier brand is getting too common on the streets.

watched star trek and xmen. loved star trek, xmen was okay.

transformers and harry potter - coming soon! yipee.

had a good long weekend. it's back to worrrrk tmr.

2009-05-08T12:17:00.003+08:00

some pics from company function:

2009-05-07T16:14:00.001+08:00

it's may already.

this has been a crazy week.

it's work, work and more work; late nights everyday.

i need the weekend to come faster!

2009-04-27T14:40:00.003+08:00

in life, there are always choices to be made.

you can either stick to the convention, or be brave enough to follow untrodden paths.

there's no wrong or right.

you just simply enjoy different sceneries.

butter fun

2009-04-27T00:22:00.003+08:00

one of my colleagues is leaving next week and we had a farewell party for her last friday at overeasy first followed by drinks at butter. had loads of fun! :)

all of us at overeasy - i'm surprised how much i liked the place and how popular it already is despite being so new. i love the ambience of the place, and the setting - beside the sea, and the floor-to-ceiling glass panels. it also attracts the right mix of people.. reminds me a little of bala, without its shadiness and pretentiousness...yet.

doreen, audrey, ice and mee

anne, audrey, doreen, may and me

tim and me

it was nice to hang out with everyone in a different setting other than the usual boring office. everyone was more relaxed and all out to have a good time.

to days of more fun and laughter ahead.

2009-04-24T10:14:00.004+08:00

it's funny how friendships are formed.

there are some people whom you naturally clique with effortlessly. you don't have to struggle to find a common interest, words just come and you can talk to him/her about anything under the sun.

there are some people whom, no matter how hard you try, you just cannot feel comfortable around them. you feel awkward, you have nothing to say, and you just cant wait to get out of their company.

2009-04-20T23:45:00.002+08:00

i knew you've made the right choice for yourself, the moment i saw your eyes lit up when you spoke about it.

i'm happy for you. i've always known this is the path for you, and you'll excel in it.

my only fear is that it would pull us apart, into two different worlds...and you would drift further and further away from me...

but i must have faith, if not in myself, then in you..in us..

bali - part 2

2009-04-16T22:24:00.002+08:00

lotus lotus everywhere

no, i wasnt poking my mouth, it's just the angle

that's me, high up in the sky

the older ones on banana boat

kuta beach

..all good things have to come to an end and it was time to bid farewell..

Bali - part 1

2009-04-15T00:31:00.006+08:00

mum & dad

all of us - from left - rita (bro's gf), bro, dad, mum, aunt, uncle, me & sis

blue oh blue blue sea

view from the hotel room - swimming pool hidden behind the trees

view from the hotel room - blue blue sea at low tide

women sewing batik wear

sis getting her shorts drawn - it was done in less than a minute, and cost 10,000 rp (S$1.30)

the finished artwork

view from the mountain top - overlooking another volcano

the lake on the far right of the volcano provides water for all in bali, therefore no water sports are permitted there

believed to be the sacred water

me in sarong, can't enter the temple in shorts, sort of like the same as in thailand

women in bali balance the things they carry on their heads, for religious purposes

to be continued...

2009-04-14T23:18:00.004+08:00

went shopping today and bought some clothes.
happys.
shopping always makes me happy.
how typically female i am.

just came back from a 4 day trip in bali with the family.
a pretty enjoyable trip.
despite i found the tour guide very irritating initially, because of the way he pronounced his Rrrrrrs and the way he always looks straight ahead at the traffic instead of looking back at us when talking to us in the coach.

bali is nice. life is simple. life is primitive. it's nice to live without the pc for a few days.

it's the kind of place that makes me feel i can just live on a beach forever, and just tan and eat and swim everyday.

but..it's nowhere near cambodia. haha, the love of my life, and i think it'll always be.

ramblings

2009-04-07T23:16:00.002+08:00

i suddenly thought abt the feeling
i wonder how it's like to feel that way again...

fav songs at the moment:
tattoo by jordin sparks
halo by beyonce

i'm enjoying work better.
work is piling everyday. more and more given each day.
but it's ok, the more the merrier.
last week was especially tiring; worked till 11plus for 3 nights in a row.
my eyes nearly popped out. staring at figures all day and all night can be very draining.
i fell asleep seconds after my head touched the pillow.

but it's all good.
i dont mind the piles of work, the late nights or the fatigue.

life feels a little empty these days, so it's nice to have something to fill it up for a change, and less to think.

i like my colleagues, most of them at least.
i've learnt not to judge one by their appearances. they are deceiving. like many things in life, you often got to delve deeper to really understand people. everyone has unwritten stories.

ramblings ramblings.

2009-03-30T09:06:00.002+08:00

caught confessions of a shopaholic with bf yesterday. i enjoy chick flicks, and many of them make up some of my fav movies. i'm also a big fan of sophie kinsella's books. but i was surprised to find myself quite disappointed with the movie! maybe cos it's so drastically different from the original storyline. the movie was admittedly verry funny at some points, but painfully predictable. becky was adorable and loveable, yet she made me feel slightly annoyed with her irresponsible and shallow behaviour.

one doesnt get away with everything just because you're a pretty red head with luck. the original story honestly had so more substance to it.

in comparison, i thought sex and the city and devil wears prada were much better. ooooh well.

walking in circles

2009-03-25T23:34:00.002+08:00

if only i have studied something else instead of life sciences.
if only i have had someone to seek advice from.
if only i have strived to achieve more in school.
if only i have given more thought to the future before entering my first job.
if only i knew what i wanted in life earlier.

if only if only...

life could have been so different.

there's so much i think i could have achieved, but hadnt.

but who could have accelerated the know-what-u-want-in-life process?

even now, i'm not sure whether i completely know the answer.

i've been walking around in circles, until i finally found a chance to walk out of it, only to wonder if i'm heading in the correct direction.

i keep thinking to myself: there must be more than that in it for me.

i'm not contented with just this.

i want more.

2009-03-17T22:42:00.003+08:00

"you've got to start somewhere."

"your brain is like an underutlilised sponge; there's still so much more capacity to absorb and learn."

yes, there's so much for me to learn; i'm feeling excited.

but then again, on a more cynical note, isnt that always the case at the beginning?

2009-03-15T18:05:00.001+08:00

tomorrow is the start of a brand new relationship.

i trust that this time, i have made a wiser choice.

also, i got to knock my head and constantly remind myself not to repeat mistakes which i have committed before.

i wanna go shopping!

but he is sleeping.

what a pig.

zzz.

16 vs 24

2009-03-13T00:35:00.005+08:00

i was bored, so i went back in time to look at my forgotten past.

www.geocities.com/yimingggg - i typed this into the browser, wondering if it's still in existence.

and it is!

the last time i updated it was in 2002, when i was 17. i'm amazed with myself. i could actually create an entire website on myself, with midis and photos using dreamweaver. No doubt the design is extremely simple and of no award winning material, but it is still my work that tells the story of my youth.

reading the comments in the guestbook touched me, even though the last one was written 4 yrs ago.

i'm made to recall the similarities and the differences between the 16 yr old tay me and the 24 yr old me.

i'm steadier now. happier too - i would like to believe so although it remains to be questionable sometimes. i know who i am and where i'm heading. whereas at 16, i was a girl trying to find my way out of the mist, lost and confused.

however, at 24, i dont think i would have the courage to bare out my heart and soul and tell the whole world my life story.

music

2009-03-11T18:31:00.003+08:00

another 2 songs i like at the moment:

安静了by S.H.E

and

下雨天 by Lara from 南拳媽媽.

i'm sooo cheeenaaa.